71. Allow freedom in dating relationships and avoid the pain of war

Almost everyone likes the word “freedom”. It has a good ring to it. We think of living in a free country and the personal freedom we have to say and do what we want within the standards of our society. Of course we all want the freedom of movement inherent in not being imprisoned or physically confined in some way.

The word “freedom” doesn’t seem to show up as much when we think about relationships, at least in my experience. But it’s a critical component of a relationship that quite often is abused and overlooked. To me a synonym for freedom in relationship is “love”. Here’s why I say that.

When you feel free in a relationship you also feel love because you’re not being restricted, forced, confined, and controlled. No one likes to feel chained and without personal control. Yet how many times do you see people doing just that in their dating? As soon as a relationship begins to develop they suddenly feel they have a right to make demands on their date or partner. Either through applying guilt or anger or some other manipulative method people often begin to build fences around their new lover: You can go here but not there. You can spend time with this person but not that one. You should do this and you shouldn’t do that. “I want (meaning expect) you to attend my grandson’s socker games with me,” is an example. Or “You should go to the play with me and if you don’t it just proves you really don’t care much about me.” The words might not actually be spoken but the unspoken messages are forcefully clear.

I’m not saying we need to stay in situations where the other person’s freedom brings us unhappiness, for example they’re having sexual affairs. But does that person have a right to live that way? Absolutely. Is it a loving act if we think we have a right to try to change them? No. Being clear about what you want, and walking away from a person who doesn’t behave that way makes total sense to me. But thinking we have a right to control and restrict and try to force someone to live “our way” doesn’t work, I’ve noticed. Neither the controlee nor the controller is happy. After all, who’s choice is it how you live your life? It’s yours isn’t it? Doesn’t your partner have the same right?

If you find yourself thinking you want to tell someone how to live, no matter how close a relationship you have with them, you might want to ask yourself, “Will this really bring me happiness and peace and the security I’m looking for?” If your answer is no you might, instead, just try asking for what you want. Noticing whether you get it or not gives you information for the choice you make next. But you’re allowing the other person to be free as you’re free. To me, that’s love. No tension, no stress, no personal war.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

70. If you expect a mind reader you’re probably on the wrong planet

I know a guy who asks a new woman to go out a couple of times but then he doesn’t date her any more if she doesn’t also ask him to do things. He expects dating to be a two-way street and if she doesn’t reciprocate it’s over for him. The poor woman he’s dating, on the other hand, can’t read his mind and she’s probably left wondering why he never called again after a couple of dates.

All it would take is for him to tell her he’d like her to initiate dates too. He wants to feel they both have an investment in being together, not just him. But the problem, as you can see, is that without realizing it he expects her to read his mind. She, on the other hand, may be new to dating after a long marriage, and when she dated in younger years women would never ask a man out. It was impolite and pushy in those days.

Conversely, I know a woman who doesn’t hesitate to just ask a man to kiss her when she’d like to be kissed. She doesn’t wait for him to think of it or get the courage if they’re new to each other. “The worst he can say is that he’d rather not,” she says.

I’ve heard women say, “If I have to ask and he then does what I want it’s not sincere. It feels like he’s not doing something because he cares about me but only because he feels obligated.” If that’s your thought question it. Is it true just because someone does what you’ve asked that they didn’t really want to do it? Chances are good that it’s not true at all. He just didn’t know, and once he finds out he’s delighted to do what he knows would please you in many cases.

A couple of books by sex therapists I’ve read say that one of the most frequent issues they face with couples seeing them for counseling is that neither partner will tell the other what they want sexually. That happens even after 30 years of marriage, they say. Yet most people who are tuned in just a little bit know that men and women are usually pretty different when it comes to sex. We’re wired differently. What a man wants isn’t necessarily what a woman wants, and a bit of clear communication goes a long way in getting our desires met. More importantly, we’re being honest. Truth in a relationship always finds a warm home.

If you notice you have expectations that aren’t being met by a date or partner ask yourself if you’re expecting them to read your thoughts. Is it true that their inaction means they don’t care? Or is it possible they just don’t know and they’d love to be told, directly and honestly?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

69. What’s true? Q. and A. about truth in a relationship

In Article #68 I wrote about how our opinions and judgments cause us so much pain when they argue with reality. I used as an example a woman who tells her guy she’s leaving a relationship. He thinks she should stay with him, and he could get relief from his pain by questioning that, I wrote. A reader responded: “…if a relationship that was real is suddenly sabotaged by a person… why are we supposed to call (that) ‘truth’”?

I had written that the guy could question his belief that she should stay with him. Here, we’re not talking about the truth or untruth of her statements or reasons for leaving. That has nothing to do with it. What we’re talking about is the truth of “what is”. What is, is that she said she’s leaving. That’s the reality, no matter how you cut it. The question is, can we really know that reality shouldn’t be, and that our way (she should not leave) is the best thing?

Reality is what’s true because it’s happening. Any opinion about whether it should be happening is a judgment or a thought. That thought isn’t real or valid. It’s just a pattern of energy. What is actually the case, however, is what I call truth or reality. You can’t argue that it’s not because it is, just as you can’t sanely argue that it shouldn’t be because it is. When she walks out the door, you can’t argue that she walked out the door. The question then is examining how the real world works. People walk out sometimes. That’s the way it is. Should they stay? Obviously not because they left.

In the same way, if it’s raining today should it not be? Well, clearly it should be raining because it is. Or another way to say it may be, ISNESS reigns (no pun intended).We can argue that it shouldn’t be and be miserable. Or we can see “what is” as it is and be more peaceful. I’m reminded of the quote: “Know the truth and the truth will set you free.” The truth is what’s happening, not what we want to happen. The same reasoning applies to the woman walking out. Do we even know that in the long run it would absolutely be best if she stayed? I’d say no. You can’t know the big picture of the universe so you probably can’t say you know better. Meanwhile, when you argue with “what is” you’re always in pain. When you see it as simply reality, as it is, you feel much less pain. For more about the questioning process I’m referring to read Article #19 or click on the Byron Katie link at the right side of the page.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

68. Thoughts can make a dating world of pain when we don’t question them

Whether you’re a dating senior in your 70s or a mature dater in your 50s your thoughts can create a lot of pain for you. In fact they’re the sole source of pain. We look to our mind to provide relief. However, if you think about it no one has ever found a mind. We have a brain, which stores memories and helps us assemble them for useful tasks. But no one has found a mind. Why? Because there is no such thing. Mind is just a word we use for a bundle of remembered thoughts.

We think we create those thoughts. But if that were true we could turn them off and on couldn’t we? We wouldn’t have hurtful thoughts for hours or days at a time if we could just turn them off. No, thoughts come on their own. You don’t know what your next thought is going to be until it shows up. You’ve probably been aware at times that suddenly you’re humming a tune in your head. You didn’t ask for that to show up. In fact, it may be a song you haven’t even thought of for a long time. And here you are with this tune playing happily in your head.

When we feel emotional pain how do we get relief? The sages and mystics throughout the centuries have taught that since a thought isn’t real we can question its validity. Thoughts come and go, sometimes very rapidly, so they have no real substance. Yet when we’re caught in them they seem solid. For example, let’s say the woman you feel in love with says she doesn’t want to be with you any longer. That’s extremely painful. But questioning it can help. Is the thought that she should stay with you really true? What’s the reality? Is she moving on? Yes. So that’s what’s real, not your thought. The thought is a fiction.

So can you absolutely know it would be the best thing for you to be with her? I actually mean, can you really know that? If you answer truthfully you’d probably say no, you don’t know for sure, since none of us knows what’s best for our future. Then another question: How do you live when you hold onto your original thought that she should be with you, and now you see it’s not even true for sure?

Probably with a lot of pain. Without that thought, “she should be with me,” what do you feel? Probably a lot more peaceful because now you’ve seen reality. We honestly don’t know what should happen, though it feels like we do.

I recently had an experience where thoughts seemed to overwhelm me – thoughts of love and thoughts that brought pain. Even with this kind of questioning my painful thoughts seemed to stick for awhile. In the moment of inquiring the pain was gone, but then the thoughts would flood back in and I’d have to question again. So it’s not always a snap to feel peace right away when you investigate and see the truth.

But it’s only in seeing the truth that we’ll ever get rid of the pain. After all, when you think about it, that’s what happens after weeks or months of a loss. We finally begin to realize that life does go on without that person. In fact we may have met someone that’s a better fit. Thoughts can hold you hostage. But you don’t have to let them. See the reality that this universe has its own plan and it doesn’t always match ours. And see that no matter how we resist, the universe always gets its way. So why not flow with “what is”?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

67. She turned men off by her need for approval

Some years ago a woman friend in her 60s was telling me about how she felt a constant, low-level ache inside because she didn’t feel loved and approved of. She noticed that she was always striving to be extra nice to people and to do what she thought they might want, so they’d give her a few scraps of approval. She was single and realized this was affecting her dating life immensely. She knew she was turning men off by her needy behavior.

I think that happens a lot. As little people we don’t know enough to discriminate between someone who’s telling us the truth about ourselves and someone who’s blistering us with their judgmental criticism. So to survive we do the best we can, and we usually create some form of what we’d now call manipulation. We try doubly hard to be good, to please others so they’ll think well of us. Our whole concept of ourselves is put together from the things we take in from others since we don’t yet have the ability to filter what they say through the lens of reality. As children anything they say to us is true.

If a parent tells you you’re stupid, you think that thought over and over and build what seems to be a hard fact: you’re stupid. If a teacher tells you your purple cows aren’t right you know you have no artistic talent. And so it goes. I saw the movie about Johnny Cash’s life yesterday. It was clear he fought his dad’s harsh judgment about him virtually all his life, even after he was a huge music success. He never felt he was good enough.

Virtually none of us gets through childhood without hearing negative things about ourselves. We assume those things to be true so that’s the self-image we carry around as us. Even when we get beyond childhood we continue to hear the echo of those negatives statements from ourselves. I used to say, “When I grew up I took over the job of beating myself up.” We’ve heard we’re stupid, we put the thought into a little garbage bag and as adults every time we do something that doesn’t work we grab our little bag, pull out the “you’re stupid” garbage and remind ourselves again – “Yep, you’re stupid.”

The question then is how do we live life now without that baggage from the past? How do we get rid of that faulty self-image so we can approach life and dating with spontaneity and freshness and authenticity? What we can do is question to learn the truth. Whatever you think about yourself, is it really true? A woman I know was told as a child by her mother that she had piano legs. She didn’t feel good wearing dresses. When she investigated, though, she realized it wasn’t true at all. She didn’t have thin legs but they were certainly shapely. She began to wear dresses and felt quite feminine.

The point is, whatever you believe about yourself – whatever it is! – question it. Beliefs are just thoughts from the past that we’ve held for awhile. They’re dead, not alive like the present moment is. So do we want to believe these ill-formed, dead concepts or do we want to see what’s true right now? If you keep looking you may even see that the very concept of a “me” is just another thought. With that, you simply notice from your pure, unchanging reality, what life is, with no opinion, no judgment, no good or bad self-image. Just life living itself.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer