49. Your dating life is simpler when you don't need security

Have you ever been dating a guy and you wanted him to make a commitment to you? Or you’ve felt those pangs of jealousy when you see your date having fun talking with another guy at a party? These and dozens of other conditions we find ourselves in feel like a real threat to our security don’t they?

If you’ve experienced these feelings you’re not alone. Most people spend a good deal of time trying to nail down security in life, either in a partnership or a job or even just being admired and appreciated by their circle of friends. That’s why we’re constantly trying to please people. We want their approval so we can feel secure.

How much of your life energy do you spend either seeking security or mourning the fact that life changed? If you look you may see that it’s quite a bit. Yet life is not about security. The true nature of life is change. Everything changes, you’ve no doubt noticed. Constant change is built into life just as gravity is. That’s the way it is. So seeking security is seeking something that doesn’t exist.

When you look at it that way it seems pretty silly doesn’t it? Do we really want to struggle for something that isn’t? It’s impossible to find security because there is no such thing. When that sinks in it can feel pretty hopeless. But the need for security only comes from the idea that “I’m a separate entity and I have to make life work.”

Is that true? Are you self-generated? Or does some unknown power give you life? I was with my 93-year-old dad this summer when he peacefully died. One moment there was breathing and the next moment it stopped. Yet the body hadn’t changed. Lungs were there, eyes were there, ears were there. But none of them functioned any more. The life force was gone. Dad had no control over the life force.

We also have no control over the life force that animates this body we call ours. We think we’re living life but the life force is actually living AS us. That means there is no “me” that needs security. There was never security in any moment of our lives anyway; life just moved as it did. Seeing that leaves you free to just enjoy life as it happens. Date, meet people, enjoy the process as you float in life like a leaf in the wind. That takes no effort, and without effort what’s left in life is just simple joy and the freedom to be. The struggle and pain is gone.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

48. There’s an answer if you’re tired of the ups and down of dating

I’ve had lots of older people who are now back in the dating world tell me they’re surprised at all the emotions they feel. The emotional ups and down are like being in high school or college again, one woman told me recently. The ups can be fun for awhile, but there’s always the down, and that hurts. My own experience, however, is that whenever we’re suffering as we date it’s guaranteed to be because of what we're thinking. There’s no other reason – ever. Look for yourself and you’ll see.

I'm defining suffering as emotions such as worry, anxiety, doubt, fear, questioning, seeking, jealousy, sadness, disappointment, etc. Not all thoughts are about suffering but all suffering is about thoughts. When thoughts are about how to fry spuds or dig a hole there’s no suffering.

If you look you'll notice that thoughts just are. They show up by themselves. It's only when we refer them to a so-called self-center that there's often pain because the world isn’t the way this me-center thinks it should be. Life isn’t meeting our demands. That resistance to what is, based on a self-centered “me”, is always painful. What you think should be is the story that causes your pain.

What is, is pure fact. For example. “John didn’t call tonight when he said he would.” That’s a fact. “John obviously doesn’t care about me or he would have called,” is a story. We’ve embellished the facts, added our interpretation or judgment and in the creation of our story we cause ourselves to suffer.

But suffering doesn’t have to continue. There’s an easy way to bring it to an end and it can happen in an instant. One way is just to let go of the thought you’re believing. Don’t be attached to it. Give it no energy and it just withers away and dies. No doubt it’ll come back again and again for awhile because that’s your habit and pattern. If you consistently ignore it though it eventually just goes away.

However, if you can’t just see that the thought appeared out of nowhere and will go back to that same nowhere, there’s a second step you can take. That second step is to question it: Is my thought really true? About John the question would be, “Do I really know John doesn’t care because he didn’t call?” When you see that you don’t really know, and you’re willing to just live in that not-knowing, your suffering is over. How does it work like that? It works because once you give up the idea of a “me” who knows what should be, you fall back into the pure awareness that happens naturally because you exist. Then there’s no “me” that wants anything, thus, no pain. The self-centered ego-me idea, though, always has an agenda, and the agenda is “my way” is the right way.

If you're in pain sometimes as you date, or for any other part of your life, you might try something new. See life as it is, without a story and witness life without an opinion. “I” or “me” always has an opinion. Pure awareness just sees life unfolding, as though from the sidelines, and basks in the mystery of it. From there you see that nothing is wrong.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

47. “Who does he think he is expecting me to move to his hick town?”

Elizabeth is a friend of mine in another state. She sent me an email several months ago, frustrated because of what she was told by a man she’d been corresponding with. The guy lived about 150 miles from her in a small town. He told her he wouldn’t move and would expect any woman who wanted to be with him to join him there.

That news exasperated Elizabeth. “My gosh,” she wrote to me, “he expects a woman to move to that small hick town of his? Who does he think he is anyway – God’s gift to women? He thinks he’s so wonderful that any woman would just pick up and move where he wants her to go?”

The irritation Elizabeth was feeling came directly out of her view that this man was trying to tell women what to do. That wasn’t happening at all. What the guy was doing was simply being clear about what he wanted. He was clearly saying “this is what I want and if that fits you, fine. If not, we’re not a match.” Nothing wrong with that; he wasn’t demanding anything.

I’ve noticed it’s easy for us to judge another person and we don’t even notice we’re trying to tell them how they should live. Without realizing it, Elizabeth was thinking that if a guy wants a relationship he’ll have to be willing to compromise and move out of his “hick town”. But do people need to make concessions when they don’t want to? No, of course not. This guy was being upfront and honest, and a woman can take it or leave it. Seen that way there’s no problem.

The kind of faulty thinking we see in Elizabeth happens all the time in dating, from the seniors I’ve talked to over the years. Some examples are:

He wants to make sure all his money goes only to his children when he dies.
If she was willing to compromise a little she’d join me at the horse races.
She won’t even consider the idea of traveling in an RV.
He’s not going to tell ME he won’t join me for my family Chistmas gatherings.
She wants to go out dancing without me when she knows I don’t dance.
It’s so unfair of him to continue to date other women while he’s dating me.
We’ve been dating for six months and now she’s going on a cruise without me.
He spends way too much time with his kids.

The list could go on. In all cases, statements like these are saying, “That person doesn’t have a right to live as they want to.” If you think like that you’re going to suffer because you’re resisting reality. Think of it this way: Who has the right to decide how you live your life? If your answer is “I do” then doesn’t every other person also have that right? Does a date have any obligation at all to join you at the horse races? Does he have a duty to date only you? Is it all right for her to take a cruise without you? The answer in all cases is yes, of course.

You’re never a victim of someone else’s choices. You always have the right to either accept a person as they are or to see that this isn’t a fit for you and move on. Either way you’re not judging the person in any way. They’re just fine the way they are and we don’t need to control them. Without those judgments you’re without pain. It’s that simple.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer
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46. Concern about past and future is just worry about what isn’t

Maybe you’ve seen a PBS program about a guy who built a small log cabin on a lake in a remote area of Alaska and lived there for many years alone. His provisions were flown in periodically and his legs and a canoe were his only means of transportation. Someone once told him they worried about him all alone up there. His answer was: “Why worry about what isn’t?”

Yet that’s what most people do most of the time. We often either live in anticipation of the future (what isn’t) or in guilt, shame or regret about the past (what isn’t). For every moment we’re caught up in “past” or “future” thinking we’re missing the only real life there is – the present, right now!

As a senior in the dating world, our focus on what isn’t – the past or future – takes many forms. And every single one of those forms is nothing but a thought. There’s no reality to it at all because what isn’t can’t be real. Only what is can be called real.

It takes so much effort to live in the past or future. Besides missing the present – which is the only time there really is -- we’re also usually in stress. Desiring something is a form of worry about the future. And the twin brother of desire is the stress of finding ways to fulfill it. In fact, being at all concerned with outcomes or results from our actions is just a waste of energy and time that’s simply consumed by what isn’t.

For instance, you choose something nice-looking to wear on a date because you care about yourself and about him. Once it’s chosen, however, any thought about it is nothing but worry about a future that isn’t. Will he like it or not? You have no control and your thought about his future reaction is just a thought. It has nothing to do with reality. It’s easier to just see reality when it gets here and avoid the stress of worry between now and then.

Nothing that happens right now is a mistake. It’s all just the Divine plan, playing itself out moment to moment. The Alaska pioneer was right: The so-called future just isn’t. And neither is the so-called past. That’s a guarantee, and the proof is in the fact that thoughts about future and past happen only right now – 100% of the time. Only now. Only now. Only now. That’s all there ever is. So we don’t need to spend energy on what isn’t and instead we can just be in what is. That’s where the peace, joy and happiness are.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

45. Your heart aches because of your beliefs; question them and be happy

"John called me Honey. He wouldn’t have done that unless he really cared.” “Christine turned me down when I asked, so obviously she’s not interested.” Both of those statements are based on an unseen belief – the belief that we know how people think and feel. Is that true? Maybe John naturally calls women Honey or Sweetheart as a matter of course. Maybe Christine had a particularly tiring day, but she doesn’t want you to think she’s getting old so she doesn’t tell you that.

Without being aware of it, even as we date at this more mature age, many of us have a lot of programmed beliefs that sneak into our lives and raise havoc. Over the years we’ve been thoroughly conditioned by the life we see, to assume certain things.

Byron Katie, in her book Loving What Is (see link at right) includes a list of some of those unquestioned, basic beliefs we tend to hold. A few of them are:

The present isn’t as good as the future
It’s possible to waste time
I’d be happy if I had my way
Life has been unfair to me

As seniors in the dating world many of us have also unconsciously bought into other beliefs, such as:

Time is passing me by
It’s possible to say the wrong thing or be in the wrong place
I need to figure out how to meet the right person
Others need to understand me
It’s critical to make a good first impression
We can determine what others think and feel

Judgments we make about ourselves and other people are often born out of these beliefs, and with them we cause ourselves a lot of pain. If you notice, these beliefs all come out of a sense that we know how life “should be”, and that “what is” isn’t good enough. Let’s take an example and follow it through a bit, the belief that “It’s possible for me to say the wrong thing or be in the wrong place.”

I’ve talked to many seniors over the years who are busily questioning the profiles they place in online dating services. A number of women, for instance, have asked me, “What do men want to read about women that I should put in my ad so it’ll get noticed?” The belief is that if my profile says the right thing I can make men notice me. How about the belief, “I can be in the wrong place”? How can you know the right or wrong place for you? Do you know more than the power that energizes life? And do you really think your words in a profile can determine how people feel about you? Do you control how they feel or do they?

The belief that you have to say the right thing in a profile would follow you right into your dating wouldn’t it? You’d be watching your words and actions carefully to make sure you’re controlling how your date feels. Is that really something under your control? Let’s say things seemed to get cool toward the end of the evening, or you didn’t get a call the next day as you had expected after a date. You start questioning yourself. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told him about other dating experiences I’ve had,” “He probably didn’t want to hear so much about my mother’s, health” “I shouldn’t have been so direct about my political beliefs”. All these thoughts are based on a belief that your words can be right or wrong.

But when you see life clearly you realize there is no right or wrong. If you think something is right you can bet someone else will think it’s wrong. So how could it be either wrong or right except in the mind of the one making the judgment. You can’t possibly say the wrong thing or be in the wrong place. You can’t possibly expect to have others understand you. It isn’t possible for you to do the thing that will bring the “right” person into your life.

As one zen master said centuries ago: “Spring comes and the grass grows by itself.” It really is that simple. Life in all forms, including you, grows and happens by itself also. To be happy in this dating life you could just relax, flow with it, and bask in the wonder of it all. You can’t know more than the Absolute what’s right for you so why not do what comes naturally and let results take care of themselves? That’s when you’re just naturally happy.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

44. Reader questions: Isn’t doing what you want pretty self-centered?

How do you feel when you do what someone asks but you don’t want to – you give, but it feels a lot more like a “have-to”? I’d be surprised if you said you feel happy. More likely you’d probably say you feel resentful. Doing what you don’t want to do usually comes from a sense of fear or obligation. Certainly you don’t feel self-respect and self-love.

In article #42 on this blog I discussed how we often give ourselves away, especially in dating, by doing what we don’t want to do. We think we must do that to get the approval we want. The article drew a personal email from a reader that I’d like to quote, then answer. It’s a question others may have also. Here’s the question the reader asked:

Don't we all do things, at times, do a favor, go somewhere, help someone, not because we just wanted to, but because it is important to them? What is wrong with that? Do we always have to just do what we wish to do? Isn't that rather self-centered and selfish? If we have nothing that is urgent at the moment, isn't it nice, just to please someone else?

It’s a good question and perhaps I wasn’t clear about a distinction I was making, so let’s clear that up first. When we do something for someone out of love, everyone wins. The recipient gets a gift of love and the giver gets a gift of love – the healthy self-love of doing something that makes him feel good. I call that healthy because when we have that sense of self-love, we’re not starving for love and manipulating others to get what we could easily give ourselves just by being true to ourselves.

We sometimes hear that self-love is, well… selfish. We should love others first, they say. We’ve also heard that we can’t love others without first loving ourselves. Rather than believe the conflicting opinions we could answer the question from our own direct experience: Do you feel good when you do something out of a sense of obligation, and you don’t really want to? What’s that feel like in your body? Do you steam a little bit inside? On the other hand what would it be like to let yourself know, maybe for the first time, what you’d honestly just love to do in a given situation?

Let’s say your dating friend, Marion, asks you to visit her adult kids with her. You really don’t feel like going but you say yes because you think Mary will be hurt or angry if you don’t. You go, but you go with resentment. At the very least, Mary now owes you one. That’s not self-love and it’s not love for Mary either. It’s manipulation to keep yourself out of trouble. You lose because you don’t respect yourself, and Mary loses because eventually she gets the brunt of your animosity. If nothing more it’s one more irritation with Mary to add to your hidden list. And it’s not even Mary’s fault. All she did was ask.

The reader wondered if I thought doing only what we want to do is self-centered. This is the kind of self-centeredness I’d call self-love, and yes I see that it works to do what we want to do. Doing something for any other reason is just cutting a deal. Doing what we want is healthy because when we don’t love ourselves we’re unhappy, and no one benefits.

Our natural state is freedom and spontaneity. When we’re not trying to control life we live honestly and intuitively in the reality of who we are. On the other hand, when we feel we have to manipulate others by being dishonest we’re not free, we’re not spontaneous and we’re not happy. Instead, we’re cunning and sneaky and deceitful. I choose the freedom and happiness that comes out of giving from love or not giving at all.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer