248. Are you a controlling person? You may be surprised when you answer this question

You probably don’t think of yourself as a controlling person, and you may be right. But if you answer this question honestly you’ll know. The key to this way of knowing yourself may surprise you. The question is this: Do you ever get defensive when someone criticizes you? Yes or no, what’s your answer? I’m asking you to stop and honestly answer with just one word, yes… or no.

If you said yes you’re controlling. Here’s why. The moment you get defensive you’ve not only lost your peacefulness but you’re trying to control what someone else thinks of you. Right now you may be saying, “What the heck is he talking about? That’s crazy? It has nothing to do with wanting to control; I’m just saying what’s true.” Yes. And you’re trying to get the other person to see you the way you see you. Isn’t that wanting to control how they think and feel in that moment?

If you’re in a relationship where you get criticized you don’t have to feel hot and bothered by that criticism at all. When you feel that hot feeling of defensiveness start to well up inside you just stop for a second and ask yourself, What’s real here? What’s real is that the one criticizing you is making sounds we call words. And we see that the words are judgmental so we call them critical, which makes sense. She may not even believe them but that makes no difference. Without adding an opinion or interpreting in any way you can hear critical words coming at you.

Some years ago I dated, for a time, a really nice woman who got jealous at times. When she did she would sometimes make some cutting remarks. One of those cutting statements was, “Oh, you just have a need to be needed by other women. That’s what boosts your ego.” I didn’t see myself that way at all but I also didn’t need to defend myself. Why would I try to change what she believed? She had the right to believe whatever she wanted to believe.

Besides, the moment I tried to change her mind by defending myself I would have lost my peace of mind and I’d have lost that battle. I have no control at all over her mind, nor should I have. Being defensive and trying to control someone isn’t right or wrong it’s just not very wise because it’s like trying to control the weather. It’s hopeless.

You may choose not to spend time with people who put you down and criticize you but you don’t need to judge them either. Why would you do that? Have you criticized others before? I have, and in the heat of my hurt or anger at that time I was doing the best I knew how. Well, so is everyone else. They’re confused, that’s all. Usually their confusion includes their belief that you’ve done something that makes them hurt. They think you’re responsible for their feelings. You can see their confusion with kindness or you can feel hurt and get defensive. Being defensive is never peaceful. Seeing reality, without a story, is always peaceful.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

247. You'll never succeed in dealing with the ghost under the bed

Pete was 67 and Alice was a few years younger when they met. There was immediate chemistry and they began seeing a lot of each other. After a few months, however, Pete began to notice some disturbing things about Alice. She seemed to be constantly picking at him in little ways, wanting him to change. This continued and Pete became increasingly unhappy. Friends asked why he didn’t move on and meet other women and he’d say, “Because she’s so sweet. When we first met I just knew I’d met the love for the rest of my life. I don’t want to let go of the woman I know is so right for me.”

When two people first get together one or both of them are often on their best behavior. They may not be very authentic in the beginning. But then with some time they become their real selves, and sometimes that’s not so endearing. Yet people stay in bad relationships, partly because the mind is so tenacious in its belief that it’s right. It doesn’t want to admit that it fell in love with an image, not the real Alice. Yes she was wonderful when she wanted Pete and was showing her best side. But there was also the other side – the critical, judgmental, controlling side that Pete hadn’t seen until later.

It’s painful to be in a relationship that isn’t kind and we often stay because we’ve believed an illusion created only in our minds. We’re not looking deep enough to see the truth. We want to believe we’re right.

The way out of these kinds of mind-entrapments is the way out of any kind of emotional suffering – inquire within and be honest. Ask yourself, for instance, was the Alice I met the real Alice? When I now see the entire picture of who Alice is do I still want to be with her?

When you’re hurting or uncomfortable in a relationship, and if you want to know the truth about it, you have to forget being right. Holding onto old concepts is holding onto pain. Being free of pain means seeing reality as it is, not the way you wish it was or think it should be. When we stop believing our concepts and see life as it really is we can deal with reality. We can never successfully deal with false images. That’s like trying to deal with the ghost under the bed.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

246. The way to end dating pain and suffering seems too simple, but it works

When you think of all the ways mature dating can be painful it’s no wonder that some people say they’re not interested in meeting a partner any more. They’ve been hurt too much and it’s not worth it, they say. Dating pain can range from jealousy, sadness, and anger to emptiness, disappointment, despair, and more. With all these ways to feel hurt it seems unbelievable that there could be one, simple solution that wipes every one of them away. That’s why people often say, “It can’t be this easy,” when they hear about what the sages and masters have been sharing for centuries. Sages say it’s just one misunderstanding that’s behind all emotional suffering.

That misunderstanding is basic and often hard to swallow at first. It’s this: We believe we’re living our lives and it’s actually the other way around: Life is living us. Every beat of our hearts, every move we make, every thought that pops in to wherever we think we think, is that mysterious power expressing itself through us, AS us. Not a lot of people are eager to hear this.

We can see the truth of this easily in babies and very small children. They have no ego judgments or desires because they don’t sense a separate me. They’re never unhappy unless they’re physically uncomfortable. But then around the age of two or so we all began to get a sense that “I’m separate” (you remember your kids going through the terrible twos don’t you?). From that moment on we’re in this fight to control, win, compete, interpret, and judge life.

But the basic sense of being that babies have is still our underlying essence. If you take any painful thought you have and notice that there’s got to be something separate from that thought to even know there is a thought, you’ve taken a big step. Before there is a thought we all know we are – we exist. And that beingness is aware. If someone asks, “Do you exist?” it doesn’t take a thought for us to answer, “Yes, of course.” That basic presence-awareness that sees and knows all objects, including thoughts, must be who we are in essence. That sense of beingness or isness has never changed throughout your lifetime. Ego thoughts, judgmental thoughts, self-image thoughts – all these have changed. But that sense of I-ness that is the space for thoughts to show up in has never been altered or disturbed by anything. It’s just awareness of life as it is.

Next time you have painful feelings about dating at this mature stage of life just notice that the thoughts that bring on those feelings eventually change. When we ask ourselves if we’re absolutely sure life should be the way we – at any moment – think it should be we have to say no. If we’re honest with ourselves we know we can’t answer yes to that question because so many of the thoughts and beliefs we held so firmly in the past have crumbled over time. Reality shows us we can’t really trust what we think and feel. We’ve proven that to ourselves again and again.

What we can do to date peacefully and happily is to just see life as it is. It doesn’t even take acceptance because acceptance means there would have to also be non-acceptance. Seeing life as it is doesn’t include good/bad, right/wrong, should/shouldn’t dualities because there could be no such thing until the so-called “mind” invents it. “What is” is just life, showing up moment by moment, without any suffering at all until we impose our wants on it. If you’re thinking, “This is too simple,” I don’t blame you. I only invite you to take a deep look and see for yourself.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

244. Judging and manipulation aren’t right or wrong they just don’t work

Have you ever found yourself unhappy when you’re giving to a date or partner without strings and without judgment? That seems to be when we’re happiest. When we don’t want something back from someone our action is not based on manipulation but on love. And when we’re not judging someone we’re emotionally and mentally joining them where they are, which is also love.

Judging someone and giving with conditions (strings) isn’t right or wrong it just doesn’t work. There’s no peace or happiness in it. Have you ever seen a judging, manipulative person with a peaceful smile on his face? Have you ever seen someone without a smile and sense of joy when they’re giving just because that’s what naturally flows out of them?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

243. Protecting yourself from potential romantic pain makes you a loser every time

During the years I’ve dated as a senior I’ve met more than several women who felt they had to protect themselves from being romantically hurt. To do that they’d hold back on sharing any real feelings for a guy. They wouldn’t hold hands when they felt like it, they were afraid to cuddle and kiss, and they tried to remain somewhat cool and aloof. They were almost trying to hide their interest in a guy even from themselves.

But does protecting ourselves from something that hasn’t happened and may never happen make sense? Unmet expectations would be the only reason a person would be hurt emotionally anyway. But why look to a future that’s made up purely in our thoughts? Now, in this very moment that’s already passed even before you can say the word “moment”, is the only time that exists.

Pictures of the past are only thoughts happening now. “Future” pictures can only show up now. Yet most of us live most of the time in our past and future thoughts and miss now, which is the only vital, alive moment there is. We’re hardly ever home. We hatch a future in our minds that we’ll be gut-wrenchingly torn apart because a romance doesn’t work the way we want it to. Then we invent a mechanism for dealing with that scene by protecting ourselves ahead of time. And it’s all just made up in our heads. It’s not real.

“Yes, but,” you say, (can’t you just hear it?) “I’ve been hurt before and it’s been excruciating. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I could barely function. I don’t want that to happen again.” That’s understandable. But the reason for that pain in the past was invalid. It doesn’t need to be that way in the future. In our innocence we’ve believed our thoughts that, for example, “if this person leaves my life it’ll be the end of my world.” But is that true?

With a little bit of understanding we can learn to question those thoughts that pop up out of nowhere. Do we really know this is the person for us? Are we absolutely sure? How do we live when we believe that myth we’ve created? Aren’t we miserable? Haven’t we been sure in the past and later realized our beliefs were wrong about many things? When we’re so sure we’ll be hurt or we need this guy or gal in our lives it feels so right because that’s what we think. Feelings always follow thoughts. Wake up in the first seconds of the morning before thoughts pop in and you’re not hurting at all.

What if you realize that this intelligent universe always rules. You can’t ever win by arguing with what already is. If someone leaves your life you’ve probably been spared. Thinking you know it should be your way would be the only cause of your pain. But flowing with the way things are you’re back in peace.

Not only is it unnecessary to protect yourself from future suffering that doesn’t ever need to be there, but when you do protect, you’re holding back the real. Your date or partner never has a chance to know you. You only give them a mask to know. How can that help a romance to flower?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

242. Marriage or partnership may not make you happier at all

A lot of us might take the stress and seriousness out of dating – and have a lot more fun – if we saw mature dating as part of living rather than loading it down with the goal of marriage or permanent partnership. If that goal isn’t met dating isn’t enjoyable to us. In short, it's no fun because it didn't work.

Yesterday I was talking to a 70-year-old woman whose husband died in 1990. She’s been single since then and desperately wants a partner. “I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without a romantic partner,” she said, implying there could be no more horrible fate. It’s not surprising that she’d think she’ll be happier with a partner. Most of us have seen studies showing that married people are happier and healthier than single people. That condition is widely borne out in nearly every country studied.

But further studies are showing that it isn’t marriage, at all, that’s behind the greater happiness of married people. It appears that happier people tend to marry and that’s why married people are happier than singles. In fact one large study, compiled from the records of 24,000 Germans over 15 years, shows that after the first blush of marriage people revert to the level of happiness they had before marriage. On a scale of 0 to 10 that figure turns out to be 7.28 for the married couples on average.

Other studies show that happier couples are those who don’t see their partners as perfect. High goals for happiness, if they’re not bucked up by solid communication skills, lead to disappointment in relationships, studies show.

What all this tells me, once again, is that there’s never been any proof that something outside of us will make us happy. Happiness is an inside job. The nice thing is that it doesn’t even take any effort. When you look deeply you see that happiness, joy, and love are our true nature and appear by themselves once we uncover them by realizing that Life is living itself just perfectly without our opinions and self-centered needs and wants. When we flow with life as it is there’s just happiness. Funny how that works isn’t it?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

241. If your mature dating includes expectations you’ll suffer unnecessarily

The search for more happiness is why people want to date and find a partner. We expect that we’ll be happier with someone than without someone, especially as we get older. I saw an article recently reporting that the first world map of happiness was produced recently. Denmark came out on top. The Danes have ranked first in European satisfaction surveys for more than 30 years. One of the main reasons, according to researchers, is that as a nation Danish people have low expectations of life. While there were other reasons, the study authors said one thing was clear – the higher the expectations the deeper the disappointment when they’re not met.

The Ancients have been trying to tell us for eons, it seems, that we’re happy when we simply see that what we have is what we need, without expectations. They say, question your thoughts and beliefs about what would make you happy and see if you know they’re true. Can you definitely know you’d be happier with a date or partner right now? Do you know this person you’re now with is the right one, and you should never part?

The sages advise us to look at reality, without our unexamined beliefs and stories. For example, one ancient Chinese text, the Hsin Hsin Ming says,

Gain and loss, right and wrong: such thoughts must finally be abolished at once. If the eye never sleeps, all dreams will naturally cease. If the mind makes no discriminations, the ten thousand things are as they are, of single essence. To understand the mystery of this One-essence is to be released from all entanglements.

The idea, of course, is to trust the One-essence intelligence of the universe as it is, to realize that we’re being lived as one expression of that One-essence. That essence that breathes us, beats our hearts, and keeps the planets in place is harmony and perfection in action even when we don’t recognize that.

The Tao Te Ching, another ancient Chinese spiritual text, has this to say:

When people see some things as beautiful other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good other things become bad.

… Things arise and [the Master] lets them come; things disappear and [the Master] lets them go. [The Master] has, but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect.

And the Ashtavakra Gita, a revered East Indian spiritual text shares this:

As the air is everywhere, flowing around a pot and filling it, so God is everywhere, filling all things and flowing through them forever. (The One-essence.)

When will men ever stop setting one thing against another?
Let go of all contraries. Whatever comes, be happy and so fulfill yourself.

…With resolute dispassion free yourself from desire and find happiness.

Clearly, spiritually wise men and women through the ages are saying it’s our beliefs or stories about what should be that cause our suffering, not the reality of life as it is. Hopes and expectations are another way we look to a future we think we want, without really knowing what’s best for us. Can we really tell That which created us what we need?

Dating can be based on expectations, which will surely be dashed at some point, or dating can be just another interesting aspect of living, just as going to a park or enjoying a sunset. Dating is a way to be with a friend, which may develop into permanence.

The future will take care of itself, no matter what we think. One way to live is to want the future to be your way, and be miserable when it’s not. Another way is to simply see that life shows up one moment at a time, and to relish the mystery and surprise of it as it is. Life will always be as it is, just as it’s always been. Happiness is to live in harmony with that reality and date playfully – content, peaceful, and relaxed. When you don’t expect anything you can’t lose anything. Life without seeking is joy.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer