210. Faulty self-beliefs can ruin your dating and your happiness

What we think of ourselves affects our whole view of life, including our dating relationships of course. I know a woman – I’ll call her Loni – who seems to see her whole life through a negative self-image. I was at a meeting one time, talking to a friend of mine, and happened to glance up to see Loni. Later she called me to ask why I was laughing at her. It turns out the moment I glanced at her I apparently was laughing with my friend. Loni knew I was laughing at her. That’s a pretty extreme example of a negative self-image but we all know that how we view ourselves colors our entire world.

Yet for most of us that self-image seems pretty solid; it becomes a thing, like a pair of colored glasses we wear every day. Every morning we get up and our glasses go on automatically. We’re looking at everything through that colored lens. Through the lens life looks like this: “Joe didn’t ask me for a second dance last night so obviously he thought I wasn’t good enough for him.” “Jill talked about her cousin’s great education so obviously she thinks I’m not very bright because I don’t have my doctorate.” It’s clear that our view of the world is all a projection based on our view of ourselves.

Since our self-image affects our dating so much maybe it’s worth taking a good look at it. What is a self-image, after all? We take it for granted that it’s who we are. But is that true? After all, when you look you can’t really find something called a self-image. If it’s real where is it located? It’s only a bundle of thoughts or mental images we hold about ourselves. And in fact that bundle of thoughts isn’t even consistent so how real can it be? Sometimes we think we’re pretty wonderful. At other times we think we’re complete losers.

If we examine those self-image thoughts what are they? It turns out they’re nothing more than ideas or concepts we picked up throughout life that we’ve believed in and made real for ourselves. A third-grade teacher didn’t praise your drawing the way she praised Jennie’s so there’s a label you stick on your forehead. It reads, “I’m not talented”. The kids laugh at your book report in the 6th grade. There’s another label; this one reads, “I’m stupid”. It doesn’t take long before your whole body is plastered with labels and if you read them it’s clear that you’re nothing but a loser. The proof is right there in the labels, see?

We’ve been living with them for years so they must be who I am, right? But is that true? All we have to do is investigate to find out. Is it true you’re not talented because that teacher didn’t happen to praise your work? Are any of those other self-image beliefs actually true? When you really look and be honest with yourself you see the fallacy of those beliefs. You see through that whole self-image illusion; you see it’s nothing but a sham.

Seeing reality – the truth of life – is powerful because when we see through the innocent lies we’ve been telling ourselves we don’t have to live with the suffering they cause any longer. Then we simply see life for what it is – events happening. Events that are no longer interpreted through an illusory self-image filter. Without our self-image projections the fact that Joe didn’t ask for a second dance means nothing more than the fact that it’s windy today. Life is what it is. Ah-so! Your contented happiness isn’t affected at all.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

209. Do you really want to tie your happiness to what he does?

Happiness is that elusive feeling that, try as we might, we can’t seem to pin down and keep around all the time. For most of us it comes and goes, depending on what we’re experiencing in the world. At least it seems that way. So if we get that phone call from the guy we met for coffee last week, we’re happy. If not, we may feel disappointed and gloomy. When we look, though, it’s pretty easy to see why happiness isn’t consistent in our lives. When we tie our happiness to outside events and other people we’ll always be a victim. We’re saying, “You’re the one who gets to decide if I’m happy or not.” Of course they don’t always consistently do what we want, so we’re jerked up and down. Not a fun way to live.

There’s another way to live in this mature dating world, however. It starts with seeing the truth of life. The truth is if another person could make us happy then whenever we’re with that person we’d be happy wouldn’t we? If we marry them we’re happy for life, with that kind of thinking. Well, we all know that just ain’t true. Divorce courts are filled with people who once thought their partners would make them happy for life and now can’t stand to be in the same room with them.

Happiness just doesn’t come from “out there”. The same event can make one person happy and not another. I could go to a heavy metal band performance where lots of people are thrilled and even stand in line and pay big bucks to get admitted. Me?... I’d be trying to find the exit door. So it’s pretty clear that happiness doesn’t come from out there. That’s an illusion. It comes from in here; it’s our projection. It’s like the light from the moon. It doesn’t come from the moon even though it looks that way. That too is an illusion. The truth or reality is that the light of the moon is a reflection.

Our happiness is always a reflection of our own feelings projected onto an event or another person. Every moment of happiness we’ve ever felt in our lives emanated from inside us. It flows from us, not to us. The reason we’re not happy all the time is that we manufacture opinions and judgments about how things should be. These judgments flow from inside us also. They have nothing to do with the reality of life as it shows up. We think we know how life should be and that’s another illusion. What’s true is that our natural state has nothing to do with judgments. It’s simply the state of being or presence, and that presence observes life without thinking it needs to change. Peace, happiness, and love are natural feeling that are always there when we stop trying to force our will on life.

So in practical terms how do we apply this to our example of the guy not calling after you’ve met for coffee? Like this: Without believing our thoughts we just see that life happens. If you don’t think you know what’s best – that he should have called or you want him to call – you just see reality as it is. If you wonder about this ask yourself: Do I really, absolutely, know what should happen?

You’ll probably immediately notice the calm peacefulness of your real nature when you just see what is. The space that exists because he didn’t call is now available for whatever else the universe will provide. What could it be? The mystery of life continues to unfold its own way with or without our opinion. Does it make more sense to take this false, self-centered “me” opinion out of the picture and just enjoy reality as it is? Without our judgments we might be clear to see that life’s natural beauty and perfect unfolding IS the happiness we’ve been seeking. What can be wrong about life without our thoughts about it?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer