82. Do you think it’s your job to supply your partner’s wants and sacrifice your own?

Is it all right to want what you want in a relationship? Or, to have a happy relationship, do you always need to give in to the other person? Some years ago I was talking to my friend Mellisa about this. She was a single woman in her late 50s at the time, and her counselor had just introduced her to the idea that it’s OK for her to be happy and to ask herself what she wants. “That’s a totally new concept for me,” she said. “It’s a shocking revelation, actually, to think I don’t have to please the guy I’m dating all the time. I keep thinking that to have a good relationship I have to find out what the guy wants and then provide that to the best of my ability.”

She said she realized that she’s so accustomed to pleasing others that she didn’t really even know what she wanted? As you read this, that same scenario may not fit you exactly, but you might find certain elements are true for you too. If you’ve ever felt that you’re giving up yourself in your relationship you might have bought into the same pattern of thinking. After all, why wouldn’t you? It’s a pervasive way of seeing life in many parts of our society and our families. It’s not uncommon to have picked up the notion that to think of ourselves first is selfish and unchristian.

Mellisa and I went on to discuss the results that occur when someone tries to take care of another person’s wants before considering their own. You’ve probably noticed that when that happens the situation looks like this: Person A tries to learn what B wants and give in to that, even if it’s not what A wants. B is happy and A may be happy too, at least in the beginning. You hear statements, in a new relationship, like, “I don’t care what we do as long as I’m with her.” But we all have natural characteristics that aren’t comfortably thwarted. After giving in for just so long to our partner we begin to wonder, “When is it my turn to get a little bit of what I want?”

At that point we’re saying to ourselves, “I’ve done a lot for him and he doesn’t seem to be doing anything for me.” And in that moment we’ve placed ourselves in a victim role; we’re expecting the other person to make us happy. As soon as you expect something from someone so you can be happy you’re a victim of their action. You’re like a cat, hopelessly waiting to be fed. Our reasoning is, “We’ve been struggling as hard as we know how, to make him happy, and he should be doing the same.” If the surrender you’ve been doing isn’t returned resentment soon builds.

Do you see how phony and inauthentic it is when you try to please everyone else first in the name of being noble and good? Instead, if we can be self-aware we’ll begin to see our natural inclinations, our natural likes and dislikes – the individual characteristics we’re all born with. When we follow those natural tendencies we’ll normally be content.

“But,” you say, “what if I tell my partner what I really want and she doesn’t want that? She may leave.” Yes, she may leave, and that may be painful for a short time. But would it honestly ever work in the long run when you’re giving in all the time to try to please someone else, then expecting him to please you in return? Seen that way, it’s a guessing game on both sides isn’t it? You’re trying to guess what your partner wants and fullfill that, and you’re expecting your partner to guess your needs and supply them. That’s pretty crazy isn’t it?

It’s like saying, You feed me and I’ll feed you. Why not just each feed yourself? You don’t really expect someone to know your wants and preferences nearly as well as you know them yourself, so why not just give yourself what you want? That lets your partner off the hook, takes away all the expectations and leaves you both free to just be yourselves. If you can’t be yourself in your relationship where can you be you? If you’re always stifling the real you to please someone, how long will that last before you explode?

Instead of thinking that satisfying your own desires is not loving, consider just the opposite. Maybe it’s the most loving thing you can do, because you’re not putting that burden on someone else. And you’re not blaming and resenting them if the job doesn’t get done well because now you’ve taken responsibility for yourself. To me, that’s living in integrity and love.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

81. Happiness isn’t striving for a partner, it’s just enjoying the dating ride

Basically everything we do, we do because we think it’ll make us happy. That’s true of dating in these later years also. Most people in their 50s, 60s or beyond have had partners, usually in marriage, and they want a partner again. Why? Because we think that’ll make us happier.

But it’s easy to confuse happiness with acquiring something (or someone, in this case), when actually happiness is our natural state. Look at small babies. Unless they’re physically uncomfortable (hungry, wet, sleepy, etc.) they’re never unhappy. They’re content, they smile and laugh easily, and their lives have no problems, literally. You might say, “Sure, but they aren’t old enough to realize the worries of the world.” And you’d be right, in one sense.

On the other hand, just because we’ve had years of experiences and we can justify having a lot to be anxious or unhappy about, we don’t have to live in emotional suffering. Instead, we can live happily even before we’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right. Think of this: Everything you’ve ever gotten that you wanted has only made you happy for a short time. The sparkle has always worn off, whether it’s a new job, a new house or a new husband. Restlessness returns and we’re back in the struggle again, this time for a new acquisition that’ll make us happy once again.

But since our natural state is only a state of uncaused joy, our striving to acquire seemingly blocks that joy. In reality, though, the joy is always there just like the sun is always there even when it seems to be blocked by a cloud. If you still wonder whether contentment and joy is our natural state think of yourself when you’ve had times of being totally in the present with some activity, whether it’s lying on your back watching the clouds on a summer day, or quietly strolling a beach, or fully engaged in creating something. Isn’t there just a natural, timeless ease and quiet happiness at those times?

When you see this you have the option to get attached to the “need” for a partner to be happy, or to just stay with the uncaused joy that’s your true nature. Now, am I saying don’t date and don’t look for a new partner? No, not at all. I’m only saying that you can do all that with a sense of adventure and ease and fun if – and this is a big if – IF… you don’t believe you “need” a partner to be happy.

If you’re attached to the idea that you need a partner to be fulfilled and happy, dating becomes a chore, full of drudgery and discontent. There’s always tension: “Will this be the right one? Did I talk too much? Should I have appeared to be more interested in sports? Will she date me again? I wonder where this is going?” And on and on and on.

Without attaching to the idea that you “need” a partner though, you simply let the moment take care of the moment. You let go of the idea of some reward in the future – which only blocks your enjoyment of what is, right now – and simply enjoy this, as it is. Most of us have the tendency to think it’s going to be better later on. We’ve lived our whole lives thinking that – when this happens I’ll be happy, when I have that right guy or gal, then I’ll be content. But have you noticed it never works that way? Be happy now, in this moment, just accepting what is, even if what is seems boring for a time. You can just be with the feeling of being bored and see what it reveals.

You don’t find real happiness by following the right path and waiting for a future, all the while living in stress and unhappiness. You get to it by just watching the flow of life in the moment and relaxing into this Presence that’s always here and nearly always overlooked. In that mode the whole process of dating is just an easy happening – just a normal part of life as it unfolds. Be the leaf floating down the stream and enjoy the ride.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

80. “Dating” is a picture-word in your mind that takes you out of the happiness of just “being”

This blog is called Senior Dating. I use the word “dating” because it’s a short, simple term most people understand. But we probably should be talking about “mature friendship” because that’s what I really mean. The word “dating” has a whole image built around it. It comes bearing certain gifts – or burdens, depending on how you view it. But it does come laden with meanings and expectations.

And its those expectations that cause much of our pain in dating. We expect a date to be fun. We expect this woman will be interested in us. We expect the guy to be polite and show us a good time. The expectations can run into the thousands I suppose.

But what if we met someone for coffee or some activity, whether it be a movie, dinner or a walk in the park, just as a person who may be a friend? Without the label, “date”, we may find all the expectations have dropped and we’re just being present to the person and situation as it is.

When we’re going on a date we may not notice that we’re anticipating the next romantic high in our lives. We’re looking to something in the future that’ll make us happier than we are right now. But happiness, like everything else, can’t occur in the future. It only happens right now because that’s the only place life happens. When we expect and wait for a future to bring us happiness we’re trampling the nature of presence just as it is, in the very footsteps we take.

It’s not about looking toward where the footsteps are heading but about the feel of the footsteps as we take them. Happiness in being with someone, as in life in any form, is simply seeing life just as it is, unfolding right now in the simplicity of THIS, the only thing that ever is, moment by moment. It’s not about futurizing with questions such as “Where will this lead?” In presence there is no future to be concerned about. We let the future take care of itself.

When you let go of “dating” and just be with a friend in the moment you may find you're a lot more relaxed and much more able to just “be”, without having to “be someone special". The stress is gone, the inner joy of just being is what’s left. Pretty good, don’t you think?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

79. Are you sure you know that Joan means what Suzie meant when Suzie used those words or behaved that way?

Dating in these more mature years means we’ve had a lot of time to build memories. It’s pretty easy to have those memories infringe on our current dating experiences. Our date or partner – let’s call her Joan – says something and immediately we’re reminded of a painful experience with a past partner we’ll call Suzie. Then we automatically assume that Joan means what Suzie meant when Suzie used similar words.

When I say automatic I mean that. Unless we’re conscious we just assume we know what Joan’s words mean. But do we? Instead of seeing or hearing the words as they’re presented it’s much too easy to add our interpretation and then form judgments, based on that interpretation, which may be totally wrong.

If you automatically add your own interpretations to words or events how will you ever recognize you’re doing that? Actually, it’s pretty easy. You recognize it by noticing when you’re suffering emotionally. Whenever you’re hurting you can see, if you want to look, that it’s your thoughts that are causing you pain. You think you know something and you think you know how things should be.

The pain you’re feeling is a reminder to question your thoughts: Do I really know what Joan meant by that remark or that behavior? And even if I do, do I really know it shouldn’t have happened or should have happened in a different way? Can you successfully play God and know absolutely that your way is better than the way it is? Questioning, you may find, will take you out of judgment and resistance to what is. When that happens you’re back in quiet peacefulness, simply noticing life as it unfolds. Dating can be just a delightful adventure again, in all its diversity.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer