56. Dating “pain” passes more quickly when we stop loading sensations with labels

When you have thoughts that argue with reality you’ll be in pain and you’ll always lose. Reality is just what is. It’s only when we have an opinion that it should be different that we hurt. Our opinionated thoughts bring up sensations that register in our bodies. We call them emotions. They’re sensations in the body that come from our thinking not from some physical source like a cut finger, a pulled muscle or a disease.

Dating, even as seniors when we might think we’ve gone beyond teenage feelings, can still often be painful. We don’t get what we want and we hurt. We’ve been conditioned to think we know how things should be. And when they aren’t that way we suffer. The first thing we can do about that is to examine our thoughts. Are we seeing reality as it is or are we resisting what is?

When we look we see that life doesn’t go according to our opinions and wishes. It never has. It just goes as it goes and the sooner we see that reality the more we’ll enjoy life. Believing it should be our way is living in a fairy tale world. So… the woman you’re interested in doesn’t want to see you again. That’s like your hopes for a sunny day, and it rains instead. Well, that’s just the way it is. There will be other sunny days. There will be other women to be interested in.

Sometimes, though, our emotional pain gets pretty intense and we have trouble dropping the “should” and “ought” thoughts that are causing that pain. That’s when we can notice what label we’ve put on what we’re feeling. What we actually experience in our bodies at any time are simply sensations. But we slap labels on these sensations and as we do we load them down with all our past memories of what that label means. The sensation becomes a lot more painful than it is without the label.

We tell ourselves we’re feeling afraid, anxious, angry or depressed. That’s the label. But what’s the actual sensation in our body? Is the stomach in knots? Does it feel hot? Is there just an empty sensation? Without labels we’re simply being with what is. When we add a label we add all the emotions we remember from the past when we had a similar sensation. We’re then feeding the sensation with a lot of energy and thoughts that aren’t true.

Animals don’t do that. I often have a lot of squirrels in my back yard. It’s a big yard with lots of bushes and trees so neighborhood cats also like it. Sometimes a cat will spot a squirrel and the chase is on. There’s never a real contest because the squirrels are too fast. But obviously the squirrel is also running for his life.

What’s interesting is what happens when the threat is over. The squirrel will sit for half a minute or so with its tail swishing up and down in short bursts and it’s obvious the animal is releasing pent up energy. The squirrel’s nature is to live, so adrenalin pumps as it’s racing for its life. But when that adrenalin is no longer needed the squirrel shakes it out and a minute or so later he’s going about his business as if nothing happened. If that were the average human we’d be fuming and worrying for days. We’d have labels for our sensations and our minds would now have an inflated picture of what we felt and we’d be reliving the experience and the suffering a hundred times.

Next time you feel what you might normally call anxiety or fear or loneliness try just being present with the energy and sensation in your body without labeling it. When you withdraw energy from the label, which is nothing but a thought, the sensation takes its normal course and disappears. You’re like the squirrel, letting the energy take its course and pass through you. Then you’re back to simple inner happiness, just watching this mysterious life unfold and going about your business.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

55. Between dates are you happy with now or stuck in worried thoughts?

When we’re dating at this later stage in life it’s a different game than it was when we were young. Then, we had our whole lives before us. Life felt like an exciting adventure as we were meeting new people and exploring new relationships. By now, though, we’ve had a lot of life experiences, lots of memories that give us a lot of ideas about how life has been and how we want it to be. Dating as a senior or more mature person is quite different.

With our experience of living we now have a lot to think about. It’s also not uncommon to be more aware that life isn’t going to last forever and we want to get the most from it, and especially we want the right partner to share it with. Every time we meet someone new or go out on a date we’re evaluating, analyzing, interpreting. That’s all in thought, and it seems to have a good purpose: We want to pin down a future we can feel secure in. But as we do all that, we’re really living in the past – a dead past, which is what “past” is. Even thoughts of the future are nothing more than a past projected forward. We’d have no idea what a future could be if we didn’t have a past to refer to.

True living and a sense of inner joy, on the other hand, is just in this moment and it comes through the five senses, not through our thoughts. When most of our awareness is taken up with our thoughts that’s also where most of our energy goes. Energy is what life is made up of. Without energy nothing can live. But energy goes only where it’s directed. It doesn’t care which direction it takes. An electric motor will go forward if you push the switch one way and reversed if you push it the other way.

Since it takes energy for anything to live, the more energy you put into something the more life it has. So as we focus on dating, and thoughts of our past and future, those thoughts become bigger and seemingly more real. You put your energy into erroneous thoughts and beliefs and they just take on more life.

In those times, even though we’re using our senses to navigate through life, our whole life becomes about our thoughts. While we’re dating we can become consumed with thoughts about that process, many of them painful thoughts. We may be thinking it’s hard to meet someone or wondering if the one we met will call again. The thoughts take over, and they’re often not thoughts of ease and peace and happiness. They’re thoughts of worry: Will this guy be the one? She seemed cool last night, is she losing interest? Soon thoughts about your dating can take up most of the energy of your life and leave you feeling drained and unhappy.

Instead of putting so much focus and awareness into thoughts there’s an alternative: Switch the energy. Let your focus be on your senses, what you’re seeing, hearing, smelling, touching and tasting in each moment. Without thought there’s nothing at all wrong with right now. That’s where your real life is being lived. And that’s where the natural joy of life as it is can be experienced. When you find yourself in emotional pain it’s always about what you’re thinking. Take the energy off thinking and just be present. In presence there’s freedom and contentment.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

54. Three commitments to yourself that can make a dating relationship work

Usually when people talk about making a commitment in a relationship they mean they’re committing to be loyal and faithful to their partner. It sounds good but the divorce courts prove it’s not real. It only lasts as long as the partner does what we expect them to do, in most cases. As long as they toe the line and do what we want we’re committed to them. It’s love with strings attached.

A woman by the name of Meta Zetty (yes, her real given name) has had some profound experiences in seeing and understanding life. She sees commitment in a relationship in a different way. Instead of committing to your partner she recommends making a commitment to yourself – actually three commitments. “The beauty of this approach to relationships,” she says, “is that maintaining these commitments does not depend on anything that anyone else says or does.”

Her suggestion for three commitments you make to yourself in a relationship are:

1. Be yourself. This means you’re 100% authentic in the relationship rather than trying to live up to what your date or partner might want, or what you think they might want. You don’t pretend to be something you’re not, you don’t pretend to like something you don’t, you just honestly be who you are. Your regular date may decide she wants to be with someone who lives differently and you may lose that dating partner. But you feel appreciation and love for yourself because you’ve been honest with yourself and with her.

2. Tell the truth, which means the real truth about what you’re feeling and experiencing in the moment. That’s not as easy as it sounds when your partner asks you to go out tonight and you say you really just want to be home alone and read. It means saying what you feel, not sharing theories or beliefs. And you’re sharing what you feel. Statements you make sound like, “I feel…” not “You should…” or “You always…”. Saying the truth doesn’t mean confessing past secrets either, or telling what you expect in the future. It’s always just in the present moment.

3. Accept responsibility for your feelings. This acknowledges that no one else is responsible for how we feel about our present experience. If we’re feeling hurt or pain of any kind – sadness, disappointment, jealousy, anger – it’s because we’re arguing with what’s real. And that’s no one else’s fault. Remember, what’s real is what is actually happening, not what we think should happen or what we want to happen. “What is” always rules.

These aren’t easy commitments to live by but the beauty of them is that they’ll work every time, no matter what the other person says or does. You live naturally, easily and happily because you’re simply allowing the truth of who you are to shine unimpeded.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

53. Your dating relationship doesn't have to end in anger and disgust

We’d like to think that as we’ve gotten older we’ve also gotten wiser, more loving and compassionate. Many people feel they have a “lot of love to give” to a relationship, as some women have expressed it to me. We’d like to have compansionship and love, so we can share those feelings of warmth, nurturing and care. But when a relationship ends or has some sour outcomes we might be surprised to find our feelings of love and compassion disappear, replaced with feelings of anger and vengeance.

How can that happen so suddenly? Someone you say you care about so much is suddenly a hateful character in your eyes. It happens because we’ve been programmed to think that things are supposed to go a certain way in relationships. We think there’s supposed to be honesty and integrity and good will. There’s not supposed to be cheating and deceit and unkindness, for instance.

But the world is made up of both of these elements isn’t it? To know there is honesty there must also be dishonesty. Knowing happiness only comes from having felt unhappiness. We live in a dualistic world – pleasure/pain, good/bad, right/wrong, inner/outer. Nature is a reminder of that with its calm and stormy weather, the ebb and flow of the tides, the blossoming and dying of flowers. We’re a part of that nature – human nature. So we can expect life will have its opposites, and it happens in personalities just as it happens in nature.

When we see that life is just what it is we don’t have to hurt with intense feelings of dislike for what someone says or does. It’s how life is; some are kind, some are unkind. But even these distinctions are not real, because to Life what someone does is just a happening. We’re the ones who put the labels “good” and “bad” on situations. We think we want only the good. But that’s like wanting only happiness. Without unhappiness we wouldn’t even know we were happy would we?

So when we’re dating we can either expect life to always be pleasant and never disappointing, or we can just see life as it is and move on. After a horrendous flood or a devastating hurricane nature just calmly takes up where it left off, without judgment, without opinion. We can do the same when we see the reality of life rather than trying to live by our fairy tale dreams.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

52. Senior dating can hurt as much as teenage dating when you believe your thoughts

Romance and affairs of the heart are often really painful for people. It’s no different when you’re a more mature guy or gal. Senior dating can be just as hurtful as teenage dating, and for the same reasons. I’ve talked about how it’s always our thoughts that cause us to suffer emotionally in life. It’s never an event or a person but always our thoughts or beliefs about that event or person that causes pain.

The way to get out of that suffering is by honestly investigating our thoughts and beliefs so we can see what’s real and stop living by the lies we’ve been telling ourselves. After that kind of investigation people are usually amazed at the relief and lack of stress they suddenly feel about an incident.* They often say, “It can’t be this easy.” It’s not surprising they’d think that because their old, painful way of seeing life has been with them for years, sometimes decades.

We’ve gotten the idea through some forms of psychology and therapy that it also takes years to reverse those long-held beliefs. But it doesn’t work that way, for the same reason it doesn’t take years to light a cave that’s been dark for centuries. The darkness was only an absence of light. When light shines, the darkness that was never a real entity in itself, disappears instantly. A wrongly held belief is merely the absence of the truth.

Let’s say you’ve had a painful belief for years that you’re not attractive to men. You decide to question that to see if it’s true, and you realize it isn’t. You have lots of proof of times when men found you attractive and alluring. Once you see that reality, just by stopping and looking, it’s like shining a light into a dark cave. The erroneous belief that you were not attractive is instantly seen as false. You don’t have to change anything or fix yourself in any way. You just see the truth for the first time. You realize your old belief was just a wrong thought, an illusion. It has no substance. You don’t have to remove an illusion that was never there.

Maybe it’s a little easier to see this if we look at children and their fear of a monster under the bed as they’re getting ready for sleep. You turn on the light, you show them there’s nothing under the bed, and the problem is gone because it was only a thought believed in, nothing more.

Worry is like that. It’s a thought that we believe and it scares us. But when the worry is over and nothing fearful happened we see that the intense suffering we felt was simply an illusion because we thought we could believe our thoughts. Thoughts about ourselves are no more true than a false worry thought. At some point a thought appeared – “I’m not attractive”. Maybe someone told you that, it doesn’t matter. Somehow the thought showed up for you and somehow you latched onto it and believed it. It became true for you. But in reality any belief we have about ourselves is nothing more than thought-energy that appears and disappears like lightning unless we grab onto it and consider it one of the elements of “me”.

Once you’ve seen enough truths you may eventually even see that nothing you believe is true. Life is living itself, and your beliefs and thoughts about it have no bearing on it at all. Then you can settle back, relaxed in the knowing that without an opinion about how life should be, you’re quite happy with what is, just as it is.

* You’ll find a highly effective questioning method described in article #19 in the November 27th archive in the sidebar.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

51. Dating is better when you’re not living lies about yourself

What you think of yourself deeply affects how you relate to other people. As a man or woman dating in your senior years your so-called self-image is as critical as it was when you were a teenager just starting in the world of dating.

If this self-image – this idea we have of ourselves – is so important maybe it would be wise to investigate it a bit. We could say that a self image is a compilation of separate ideas we have about ourselves. We’ve grouped them together and now we say “this is me”. It’s a bit like having a bunch of lego blocks scattered on the floor. Then someone comes along and puts them together and builds a house. But is it really a house or is it lego blocks put together to look like a house?

There’s a huge difference between the lego blocks and our building-block ideas of ourselves, however. The blocks are real. Our ideas about ourselves aren’t. Those ideas consist of whatever impressions we have of an event in the past. They’re always faulty, for two reasons. One is that our interpretation of an event could have been wildly inaccurate because of things such as our age at the time, our emotional state, our fears, our programming, and more.

The second reason our building block ideas are faulty is that our minds only remember a very small amount of what actually happened in an event. Think back to the last conversation you had with someone. It may have lasted for 10 minutes, yet if you relate it to someone else you can only remember about a minute’s worth of the dialogue. And you don’t remember that during that talk you scratched your forehead and saw a bird flying by out the window. Even worse, you can’t remember that great joke your friend told you. You couldn’t possibly remember all the things that happened in that time.

So with our imprecise memory of events and thoughts over months and years we form ideas that seem as solid as building blocks. Then we take these erroneous building block ideas and build our house which we call “me”. That’s how we define ourselves. From then on everything in life is referenced to this false sense of “me” or “I” and we don’t even know it’s false. If our building block ideas were made up of impressions of our unworthiness and inadequacy we’re working with malformed blocks. The “me” that we think we are, then, is pretty distorted. And that skewed “me” is what we present to the person we’re dating. It’s not true but we present it as though it is.

If we see ourselves as not very appealing how do you think we present ourselves? Probably not very confidently. And how are we perceived? Probably pretty much the way we present ourselves. You don’t have to be a genius to see through a person with a low self-image. It shows from their every pore, in every movement they make doesn’t it? They either look and act as unworthy or they may project elaborate pretenses to try to appear good enough.

What’s the image you project? Whether you’re in your 50s, 60s, 70s or beyond you might want to investigate what kind of self-idea you’re putting out in the world as you date? Ask yourself, Is my idea of me really true? After all, this “me” you think you are is just your own bundle of ideas. Are they true? Were they ever true when you really look?

If you feel even the slightest sense of inadequacy or unworthiness you don’t have to keep believing that self-created picture. Instead, explore, investigate, question and see the truth. Break the shell of a false self-image and let the natural, loving, genuine self that’s the essence of every person shine through in you. I guarantee dating and life will be better when you’re not living lies about yourself.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

50. When you “secure” your relationship you lock your partner in prison

In the last article, I wrote about how the need for security leads to the desire to have an exclusive dating relationship with someone. When we think we have to compete to get what we want in life it’s natural that we’ll try to tie things down so we can feel more secure. Especially in our senior years many tend to feel fear for the future, and they want security. In relationships it’s usually called commitment.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with commitment at all when it’s freely given. But when Jane tries to pin Joe to a commitment he’s not ready to make there’s a problem. Jane, of course, wants a guarantee that her dream man will be there for her so she wants to lock things up, to make sure things don’t change and he doesn’t leave. But Joe feels like he’s being forced into prison.

Trying to make sure nothing changes in your relationship is not the way the world works. It works exactly the opposite. Change is the very foundation of this world. There has to be movement, which is change. Without movement everything becomes stale and dies, like a lake that has no inlet or outlet. Soon it stagnates and dies. Our very bodies prove that change is the norm. We breathe in and out, our heart pulses and rests, then pulses again, our thoughts change moment to moment. In nature the tides come in and out, seasons come and go, day turns to night and to day again. There’s a to and fro in life, an activity and a rest. It’s all about movement and change.

Yet we somehow think we can make life secure. So we want to fence in our partner, like a horse in a corral. But is it even possible to guarantee someone will be there for you? Maybe they’ll die tomorrow. We seem to know that, yet we want to control everything we can, especially that our guy or gal won’t be free to find someone else attractive. That feeling comes from fear, but is it honestly what you want for someone you profess to care about? Do you want to imprison them so they can’t possibly find someone new? Or would you feel more loving by allowing your date or partner to feel free to find anyone in the world? If they stay with you they stay freely, not out of obligation. If they move on, isn’t it pretty clear that they feel happier with someone else? And wouldn’t you be happier with someone new who wanted to be with you rather than someone who felt forced to be there?

There is no security in this life, no matter how much we may want it. Gravity always pulls toward the earth, not away from it. Water is always wet. And life constantly changes. We’re happy when we ride along with “what is” instead of trying to squeeze life into the shape we want. You can’t defy gravity and you can’t defy change. Go with it and live a life of ease.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

49. Your dating life is simpler when you don't need security

Have you ever been dating a guy and you wanted him to make a commitment to you? Or you’ve felt those pangs of jealousy when you see your date having fun talking with another guy at a party? These and dozens of other conditions we find ourselves in feel like a real threat to our security don’t they?

If you’ve experienced these feelings you’re not alone. Most people spend a good deal of time trying to nail down security in life, either in a partnership or a job or even just being admired and appreciated by their circle of friends. That’s why we’re constantly trying to please people. We want their approval so we can feel secure.

How much of your life energy do you spend either seeking security or mourning the fact that life changed? If you look you may see that it’s quite a bit. Yet life is not about security. The true nature of life is change. Everything changes, you’ve no doubt noticed. Constant change is built into life just as gravity is. That’s the way it is. So seeking security is seeking something that doesn’t exist.

When you look at it that way it seems pretty silly doesn’t it? Do we really want to struggle for something that isn’t? It’s impossible to find security because there is no such thing. When that sinks in it can feel pretty hopeless. But the need for security only comes from the idea that “I’m a separate entity and I have to make life work.”

Is that true? Are you self-generated? Or does some unknown power give you life? I was with my 93-year-old dad this summer when he peacefully died. One moment there was breathing and the next moment it stopped. Yet the body hadn’t changed. Lungs were there, eyes were there, ears were there. But none of them functioned any more. The life force was gone. Dad had no control over the life force.

We also have no control over the life force that animates this body we call ours. We think we’re living life but the life force is actually living AS us. That means there is no “me” that needs security. There was never security in any moment of our lives anyway; life just moved as it did. Seeing that leaves you free to just enjoy life as it happens. Date, meet people, enjoy the process as you float in life like a leaf in the wind. That takes no effort, and without effort what’s left in life is just simple joy and the freedom to be. The struggle and pain is gone.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

48. There’s an answer if you’re tired of the ups and down of dating

I’ve had lots of older people who are now back in the dating world tell me they’re surprised at all the emotions they feel. The emotional ups and down are like being in high school or college again, one woman told me recently. The ups can be fun for awhile, but there’s always the down, and that hurts. My own experience, however, is that whenever we’re suffering as we date it’s guaranteed to be because of what we're thinking. There’s no other reason – ever. Look for yourself and you’ll see.

I'm defining suffering as emotions such as worry, anxiety, doubt, fear, questioning, seeking, jealousy, sadness, disappointment, etc. Not all thoughts are about suffering but all suffering is about thoughts. When thoughts are about how to fry spuds or dig a hole there’s no suffering.

If you look you'll notice that thoughts just are. They show up by themselves. It's only when we refer them to a so-called self-center that there's often pain because the world isn’t the way this me-center thinks it should be. Life isn’t meeting our demands. That resistance to what is, based on a self-centered “me”, is always painful. What you think should be is the story that causes your pain.

What is, is pure fact. For example. “John didn’t call tonight when he said he would.” That’s a fact. “John obviously doesn’t care about me or he would have called,” is a story. We’ve embellished the facts, added our interpretation or judgment and in the creation of our story we cause ourselves to suffer.

But suffering doesn’t have to continue. There’s an easy way to bring it to an end and it can happen in an instant. One way is just to let go of the thought you’re believing. Don’t be attached to it. Give it no energy and it just withers away and dies. No doubt it’ll come back again and again for awhile because that’s your habit and pattern. If you consistently ignore it though it eventually just goes away.

However, if you can’t just see that the thought appeared out of nowhere and will go back to that same nowhere, there’s a second step you can take. That second step is to question it: Is my thought really true? About John the question would be, “Do I really know John doesn’t care because he didn’t call?” When you see that you don’t really know, and you’re willing to just live in that not-knowing, your suffering is over. How does it work like that? It works because once you give up the idea of a “me” who knows what should be, you fall back into the pure awareness that happens naturally because you exist. Then there’s no “me” that wants anything, thus, no pain. The self-centered ego-me idea, though, always has an agenda, and the agenda is “my way” is the right way.

If you're in pain sometimes as you date, or for any other part of your life, you might try something new. See life as it is, without a story and witness life without an opinion. “I” or “me” always has an opinion. Pure awareness just sees life unfolding, as though from the sidelines, and basks in the mystery of it. From there you see that nothing is wrong.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

47. “Who does he think he is expecting me to move to his hick town?”

Elizabeth is a friend of mine in another state. She sent me an email several months ago, frustrated because of what she was told by a man she’d been corresponding with. The guy lived about 150 miles from her in a small town. He told her he wouldn’t move and would expect any woman who wanted to be with him to join him there.

That news exasperated Elizabeth. “My gosh,” she wrote to me, “he expects a woman to move to that small hick town of his? Who does he think he is anyway – God’s gift to women? He thinks he’s so wonderful that any woman would just pick up and move where he wants her to go?”

The irritation Elizabeth was feeling came directly out of her view that this man was trying to tell women what to do. That wasn’t happening at all. What the guy was doing was simply being clear about what he wanted. He was clearly saying “this is what I want and if that fits you, fine. If not, we’re not a match.” Nothing wrong with that; he wasn’t demanding anything.

I’ve noticed it’s easy for us to judge another person and we don’t even notice we’re trying to tell them how they should live. Without realizing it, Elizabeth was thinking that if a guy wants a relationship he’ll have to be willing to compromise and move out of his “hick town”. But do people need to make concessions when they don’t want to? No, of course not. This guy was being upfront and honest, and a woman can take it or leave it. Seen that way there’s no problem.

The kind of faulty thinking we see in Elizabeth happens all the time in dating, from the seniors I’ve talked to over the years. Some examples are:

He wants to make sure all his money goes only to his children when he dies.
If she was willing to compromise a little she’d join me at the horse races.
She won’t even consider the idea of traveling in an RV.
He’s not going to tell ME he won’t join me for my family Chistmas gatherings.
She wants to go out dancing without me when she knows I don’t dance.
It’s so unfair of him to continue to date other women while he’s dating me.
We’ve been dating for six months and now she’s going on a cruise without me.
He spends way too much time with his kids.

The list could go on. In all cases, statements like these are saying, “That person doesn’t have a right to live as they want to.” If you think like that you’re going to suffer because you’re resisting reality. Think of it this way: Who has the right to decide how you live your life? If your answer is “I do” then doesn’t every other person also have that right? Does a date have any obligation at all to join you at the horse races? Does he have a duty to date only you? Is it all right for her to take a cruise without you? The answer in all cases is yes, of course.

You’re never a victim of someone else’s choices. You always have the right to either accept a person as they are or to see that this isn’t a fit for you and move on. Either way you’re not judging the person in any way. They’re just fine the way they are and we don’t need to control them. Without those judgments you’re without pain. It’s that simple.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer
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46. Concern about past and future is just worry about what isn’t

Maybe you’ve seen a PBS program about a guy who built a small log cabin on a lake in a remote area of Alaska and lived there for many years alone. His provisions were flown in periodically and his legs and a canoe were his only means of transportation. Someone once told him they worried about him all alone up there. His answer was: “Why worry about what isn’t?”

Yet that’s what most people do most of the time. We often either live in anticipation of the future (what isn’t) or in guilt, shame or regret about the past (what isn’t). For every moment we’re caught up in “past” or “future” thinking we’re missing the only real life there is – the present, right now!

As a senior in the dating world, our focus on what isn’t – the past or future – takes many forms. And every single one of those forms is nothing but a thought. There’s no reality to it at all because what isn’t can’t be real. Only what is can be called real.

It takes so much effort to live in the past or future. Besides missing the present – which is the only time there really is -- we’re also usually in stress. Desiring something is a form of worry about the future. And the twin brother of desire is the stress of finding ways to fulfill it. In fact, being at all concerned with outcomes or results from our actions is just a waste of energy and time that’s simply consumed by what isn’t.

For instance, you choose something nice-looking to wear on a date because you care about yourself and about him. Once it’s chosen, however, any thought about it is nothing but worry about a future that isn’t. Will he like it or not? You have no control and your thought about his future reaction is just a thought. It has nothing to do with reality. It’s easier to just see reality when it gets here and avoid the stress of worry between now and then.

Nothing that happens right now is a mistake. It’s all just the Divine plan, playing itself out moment to moment. The Alaska pioneer was right: The so-called future just isn’t. And neither is the so-called past. That’s a guarantee, and the proof is in the fact that thoughts about future and past happen only right now – 100% of the time. Only now. Only now. Only now. That’s all there ever is. So we don’t need to spend energy on what isn’t and instead we can just be in what is. That’s where the peace, joy and happiness are.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

45. Your heart aches because of your beliefs; question them and be happy

"John called me Honey. He wouldn’t have done that unless he really cared.” “Christine turned me down when I asked, so obviously she’s not interested.” Both of those statements are based on an unseen belief – the belief that we know how people think and feel. Is that true? Maybe John naturally calls women Honey or Sweetheart as a matter of course. Maybe Christine had a particularly tiring day, but she doesn’t want you to think she’s getting old so she doesn’t tell you that.

Without being aware of it, even as we date at this more mature age, many of us have a lot of programmed beliefs that sneak into our lives and raise havoc. Over the years we’ve been thoroughly conditioned by the life we see, to assume certain things.

Byron Katie, in her book Loving What Is (see link at right) includes a list of some of those unquestioned, basic beliefs we tend to hold. A few of them are:

The present isn’t as good as the future
It’s possible to waste time
I’d be happy if I had my way
Life has been unfair to me

As seniors in the dating world many of us have also unconsciously bought into other beliefs, such as:

Time is passing me by
It’s possible to say the wrong thing or be in the wrong place
I need to figure out how to meet the right person
Others need to understand me
It’s critical to make a good first impression
We can determine what others think and feel

Judgments we make about ourselves and other people are often born out of these beliefs, and with them we cause ourselves a lot of pain. If you notice, these beliefs all come out of a sense that we know how life “should be”, and that “what is” isn’t good enough. Let’s take an example and follow it through a bit, the belief that “It’s possible for me to say the wrong thing or be in the wrong place.”

I’ve talked to many seniors over the years who are busily questioning the profiles they place in online dating services. A number of women, for instance, have asked me, “What do men want to read about women that I should put in my ad so it’ll get noticed?” The belief is that if my profile says the right thing I can make men notice me. How about the belief, “I can be in the wrong place”? How can you know the right or wrong place for you? Do you know more than the power that energizes life? And do you really think your words in a profile can determine how people feel about you? Do you control how they feel or do they?

The belief that you have to say the right thing in a profile would follow you right into your dating wouldn’t it? You’d be watching your words and actions carefully to make sure you’re controlling how your date feels. Is that really something under your control? Let’s say things seemed to get cool toward the end of the evening, or you didn’t get a call the next day as you had expected after a date. You start questioning yourself. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told him about other dating experiences I’ve had,” “He probably didn’t want to hear so much about my mother’s, health” “I shouldn’t have been so direct about my political beliefs”. All these thoughts are based on a belief that your words can be right or wrong.

But when you see life clearly you realize there is no right or wrong. If you think something is right you can bet someone else will think it’s wrong. So how could it be either wrong or right except in the mind of the one making the judgment. You can’t possibly say the wrong thing or be in the wrong place. You can’t possibly expect to have others understand you. It isn’t possible for you to do the thing that will bring the “right” person into your life.

As one zen master said centuries ago: “Spring comes and the grass grows by itself.” It really is that simple. Life in all forms, including you, grows and happens by itself also. To be happy in this dating life you could just relax, flow with it, and bask in the wonder of it all. You can’t know more than the Absolute what’s right for you so why not do what comes naturally and let results take care of themselves? That’s when you’re just naturally happy.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

44. Reader questions: Isn’t doing what you want pretty self-centered?

How do you feel when you do what someone asks but you don’t want to – you give, but it feels a lot more like a “have-to”? I’d be surprised if you said you feel happy. More likely you’d probably say you feel resentful. Doing what you don’t want to do usually comes from a sense of fear or obligation. Certainly you don’t feel self-respect and self-love.

In article #42 on this blog I discussed how we often give ourselves away, especially in dating, by doing what we don’t want to do. We think we must do that to get the approval we want. The article drew a personal email from a reader that I’d like to quote, then answer. It’s a question others may have also. Here’s the question the reader asked:

Don't we all do things, at times, do a favor, go somewhere, help someone, not because we just wanted to, but because it is important to them? What is wrong with that? Do we always have to just do what we wish to do? Isn't that rather self-centered and selfish? If we have nothing that is urgent at the moment, isn't it nice, just to please someone else?

It’s a good question and perhaps I wasn’t clear about a distinction I was making, so let’s clear that up first. When we do something for someone out of love, everyone wins. The recipient gets a gift of love and the giver gets a gift of love – the healthy self-love of doing something that makes him feel good. I call that healthy because when we have that sense of self-love, we’re not starving for love and manipulating others to get what we could easily give ourselves just by being true to ourselves.

We sometimes hear that self-love is, well… selfish. We should love others first, they say. We’ve also heard that we can’t love others without first loving ourselves. Rather than believe the conflicting opinions we could answer the question from our own direct experience: Do you feel good when you do something out of a sense of obligation, and you don’t really want to? What’s that feel like in your body? Do you steam a little bit inside? On the other hand what would it be like to let yourself know, maybe for the first time, what you’d honestly just love to do in a given situation?

Let’s say your dating friend, Marion, asks you to visit her adult kids with her. You really don’t feel like going but you say yes because you think Mary will be hurt or angry if you don’t. You go, but you go with resentment. At the very least, Mary now owes you one. That’s not self-love and it’s not love for Mary either. It’s manipulation to keep yourself out of trouble. You lose because you don’t respect yourself, and Mary loses because eventually she gets the brunt of your animosity. If nothing more it’s one more irritation with Mary to add to your hidden list. And it’s not even Mary’s fault. All she did was ask.

The reader wondered if I thought doing only what we want to do is self-centered. This is the kind of self-centeredness I’d call self-love, and yes I see that it works to do what we want to do. Doing something for any other reason is just cutting a deal. Doing what we want is healthy because when we don’t love ourselves we’re unhappy, and no one benefits.

Our natural state is freedom and spontaneity. When we’re not trying to control life we live honestly and intuitively in the reality of who we are. On the other hand, when we feel we have to manipulate others by being dishonest we’re not free, we’re not spontaneous and we’re not happy. Instead, we’re cunning and sneaky and deceitful. I choose the freedom and happiness that comes out of giving from love or not giving at all.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

43. Senior dating is light, easy and fun when you don’t believe your painful thoughts

The way to happiness and ease in dating as a senior is pretty much the same as the way to happiness and ease in any aspect of life and at any age. The focus on senior dating here is only because as I began to date again after my wife’s death I realized quite soon how much hurt there was in the process for so many people. Strangely enough there’s a simple way out of that emotional pain, a way of seeing life that sages and wise men and women through the centuries have pointed to.

That way is to just see clearly that life lives itself by itself without the need for input from us. Life doesn’t ask for our advice and if you’ve noticed, it doesn’t take it when we offer. When we begin to see that we’re not a separate entity unto ourselves we also can begin to see that we’re simply part of the happening that life is. We’re another one of the objects that appear as this world, in other words. We know we’re present or that we exist, and that presence we are is the same presence we were when we were two days old, in our teens and today. Our bodies have changed, our thoughts and beliefs have all changed through the years, but the pure essence that we are has never changed. No one can say I’m not. And we don’t have to think to know that we are, that we exist. It’s a knowing that doesn’t need thought.

So where does all this emotional pain and struggle and worry come from? It comes from thoughts only. And the thoughts are mere appearances in this pure awareness or knowingness that we are. Now, if you’re still with me this far I know this is confusing stuff if it’s new to you. So to keep it simple I’d suggest, if you’re interested, that you just see that life happens. This is it and that’s all there is. It’s never going to get better because it doesn’t need to get better. If we don’t impose thoughts on what’s happening there is no such thing as “better” or “worse”. Those are just judgments from one person’s viewpoint. To an American terrorists are terrible. To a terrorist Americans are terrible. Clearly, “terrible” is a judgment we’ve imposed, depending on our stance isn’t it?

What’s all this have to do with dating at this later stage of life? Just this. Even though by this age we’ve been conditioned for quite a few years to think that we need to run life, that idea can be dropped in an instant if we want to look honestly and see reality as it is.

When we simply allow life to be what it is, and notice that we’re not running the show, the drama and trauma are over. Life then becomes light, easy, effortless and an interesting mystery. Not only are we not running the life show, we’re also not running this show called “my” life. If you look, breathing, heart-beating, hair-growing, digestion and all thoughts happen by themselves. Even if you think you could do a better job of breathing than nature is doing, try it. Within a minute or so you’re out of wind and struggling because you don’t know when to breathe.

It’s that way with all of life. It works better when we let the Infinite do what it’s doing. Thoughts pop up and we think we brought them forth and therefore they’re important. When you examine it, though, your thoughts just appeared. “You” don’t need them for life to go on just fine. Your deep sleep is the simplest example. You’re not thinking, yet life is taking care of you just fine. We see that ­presence, with no need for thought, happens regularly. We just don’t notice. We all have times every day when we’re totally engrossed in something, whether it’s a project, making love or watching a sunset. We’re so deeply involved that there’s just life going on and then suddenly thoughts show up and we notice we’re there.

What’s the bottom line of this conversation? Just this: To live lightheartedly as you date just be a witness to life instead of trying to control it. When thoughts come, let them pass on through, which is what they all do eventually anyway. If you notice you’re hurting emotionally look to see what you’re believing in that moment. Then stop. Stop and question: Is this thought true (Jeff should have called me as he promised.)? Do I know for sure that my way is better than what is? Who would I be without my belief – if I just see what life is (including Jeff)? You’re the presence and awareness that allows thoughts to show up, much like the screen allows the movie to show up. And you can live life as that screen, pure and unaffected by the movie. Don’t be the drama and trauma of the movie and you’ll find life is just a magic happening – delightful, easy and fun.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

42. Do you demean yourself to get what you think you need from your date?

How often do you give yourself away thinking that’s how you’ll be loved and approved of by a date or partner? For example, your date invites you to a party you don’t really want to attend and you go, not out of love for her but because you’re afraid you’ll lose something if you don’t. He asks if he can spend the night and you’re not ready to be that close, but you say yes because you’re afraid you’ll lose something if you don’t.

I’ve known two women who agreed to have sex with a man they were dating, not because they felt that close to him but because they were afraid he’d move on if they said no. The result is both women felt they had betrayed themselves, and it didn’t feel good.. It’s easy to fall into the “give in” trap because we’ve been steeped by society to feel we have to give people what they want so we can get what we want. So instead of living fully and honestly and spontaneously, we’re always making business deals. That’s not love. So it’s no wonder we don’t enjoy dating in these senior years when we walk away feeling that we lied to our date (doing what we didn’t really want to do) and belittled ourselves. When we demean ourselves is it any wonder that we don’t feel self-love and we’re constantly looking to someone else to show us the love we’ve failed to show ourselves?

Even smiling when it’s forced is a form of degrading yourself. And why are we doing that? Because we believe we have to in order to get our needs filled. Yet we all know that empty feeling in the gut, or that hot flash in the head that tells us we’re not being true to ourselves. That’s a clear signal telling us our thoughts are out of kilter. Because when our thoughts mesh with what is (listening to that gut feeling in this case, and acting on it) we feel peaceful, not stressful.

When the suffering feelings come instead of giving in and being false you could ask yourself a few simple questions: Is it true I won’t find love if I don’t wear a mask and play the phony game? How does it feel to live this way? How would it feel to live honestly instead? If I really need to give myself away to please her is that the kind of relationship I want?

If you’ve been pretending and acting and wearing a costume to try to please someone, you might also ask yourself, has it ever really worked? If being honest with yourself and your date sounds more peaceful you could just take the risk and see what happens. It’s possible – even likely – that your date or partner will be able to start being more honest too. Then you’ve got a relation based on care and love, for your date or partner and also for yourself. And then you might find dating a lot more fun and a lot less stressful.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

41. Smile - he was supposed to deceive you, it’s the reality of life

Sally went to a coffee shop to meet Joe, a man she’d been corresponding with by email after having connected with him on an online dating service. She had described the red coat she’d be wearing and shortly a man came in, glanced around and headed for her table. “You must be Sally,” he says. And he must be great-grandpa Joe! Sally is shocked. He’s at least 15 years older than his photo and the age he reported. Sally had been duped. I met a woman from an online contact once who still runs the same photo online, and she must be at least 20 or 25 years older than that photo, no exaggeration. Because you’re a senior in this dating game you may feel that by this age people won’t be deceptive. The reality is, it happens. So since these articles are about having more fun with the adventure of dating, let’s look at this scene and see if we can take the heat out of it.

Sally can get angry and hostile toward Joe, or toward the whole dating situation for that matter. If she does, who suffers? She could blame Joe for her anger. But let’s face it, Joe was just being Joe. Another way to view it though is to simply recognize that it happens. It’s the reality. How do you know it’s supposed to happen? It does, just like the way you know it’s supposed to be raining when it is. Reality is just “what is”. When we don’t interpret it or judge it or fight it we just notice what an interesting life we all lead. You can call that Pollyanna thinking if you like. I call it realism and common sense. And oh, peaceful and happy, by the way.

The theme I hope is running through all these articles on senior dating is this: It’s never the person or situation that’s the cause of pain for anyone. It’s always our thoughts about it. And that’s good news because it means you don’t ever have to hurt emotionally because of what someone does or says. What you can realize, if you feel betrayed by someone, is that you can always question your own thoughts and get back to peace.

Quite simply it works like this: Joe lied to Sally about his age before they met. Was he supposed to have lied? Sure, because he did. “But that’s wrong,” you say. Yes, according to what we’ve been taught it seems that way. But we’ve been taught to think we’re supposed to get what we want rather than simply accept reality as it is. Was Joe supposed to have lied? We’re taught to automatically think, No. But what’s the reality, did he? Yes. And is that part of the reality of life, that people lie sometimes? Yes. Have you ever lied yourself? (I’m going to guess the answer is yes.) So Joe is just doing what you’ve done yourself. What’s the difference?

We’re not in charge of life, and when we think we are or should be, we immediately suffer. You go out to get in your car one day and you’ve got a flat tire. Do you swear at the car and kick the tire? Or do you just sigh momentarily and get the tire changed? To the extent that you’re angry you’re insane aren’t you? Maybe you don’t think the tire should be flat. But does that tire care? No. Are the stars in the heavens going to move because of your anger? Of course not. Consider it part of life when you own a car. And Joe? He lied to you. So what? Consider it part of life when you’re dating. Or you could sell the car, or stop dating. It’s all about your thinking.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

40. You want love? You can stop trying so hard!

I have a good friend in her mid-60s who has always made a firm point of telling men that she was equal to them. “I’m not better than men but they’re no better than I am either,” she’d say. She told me that in her early 20s, before she married her husband, it was critical that he understand that. She also admitted he never disagreed, even though she pressed the point often. She’s now widowed, and before she gets very far in a relationship with a man, she says, she makes sure he understands that he must consider her equal.

One day we were talking and she mentioned that she felt invisible as a child. As an example she cited a time when she “ran away from home” when she was about nine or so. She lived on a large farm so running away was running down to the river, where she and her siblings safely played often, and waiting for someone to come looking for her. She was from a large family and no one came looking. She felt her mother didn’t even notice she was gone. She also concluded, at nine, that she must not be loved very much. That belief was still quite painful to her.

As we talked I asked if she wanted to question that still hurtful feeling that her mother didn’t even notice or care that she was gone. She agreed and we started going through some questions. Was it possible her mother just wasn’t going to be manipulated by her little daughter when she probably knew exactly where she was? Could she know her mom didn’t even know she was gone? Was there proof that her mother loved her? As she looked she realized her beliefs were unfounded.

She also realized there was overwhelming proof of her mother’s love for her. During our talk it became abundantly clear to my friend that she’d been unnecessarily harboring that feeling of being invisible and unworthy for more than 50 years. It was a huge relief to her to see reality instead of her “little girl” picture. And she realized she no longer had that urge to prove her equality.

What this all comes down to is that when we feel unworthy or unnoticed we’re in a a constant struggle to be recognized: “Won’t you applaud me, notice me, see how good I am or how smart I am or how pretty I am?” If you’re constantly seeking appreciation and approval from others you might question that and relieve your pain. Is that really true? Where’s your proof?

A friend of mine, a national motivational speaker, says, “The problem with us is that we compare our insides with other people’s outsides.” Isn’t that so true? We know our little niggly insecurities and sense of inadequacy. “But look at her,” we say. “She’s so confident, so strong and self-assured. I could never be like that.” But do we really know she isn’t hiding the same feelings inside that we are?

We think we’re not good enough, never quite fit in, never as attractive or funny or intelligent as someone else. Especially as we’re dating in this older stage of life we’re trying to put our best foot forward. Sometimes that can turn into pretense. It takes the form of wearing a mask and pretending to be something we’re not.

In conversation we say we agree when we don’t, or we participate in activities we don’t enjoy. “He wants to watch Sunday afternoon football? Oh, you’d love to… when you really hate the game.” Pretending and wearing a mask can only appear successful for a short time before the real you comes out, however. Then relationships crash. And we wonder why. After all, you’ve tried so hard. And that’s just the problem. You may have been been deceiving, and no one likes to be lied to, whether in words or in phony behavior.

The solution to “need for love and approval” comes down to questioning our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves, again. Question thoughts like the struggle to be equal. If you really felt equal would you have to insist on it? If you feel “less than” is that belief true? When you think you need to be with someone and need that person’s approval ask again: Do I really “need” him or her? Isn’t it painful living a lie and wearing a mask?

If you can’t just be yourself with someone are you sure you’re right for that person? You might be surprised to find your friend enjoys you much more when you stop the act and just be yourself. No pretending, no lying, no mask, no phoniness. Ask some questions and set yourself free to just enjoy the discovery of new friends as you move into dating in these later years. It’s so relaxing to just be you.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

39. “She’s supposed to vote my way” – are you sure?

In the years of work I’ve done to understand myself and life better I’ve seen that most of the time – and I really mean “most” – the emotion we feel when we’re upset has little to do with a current incident and much more to do with something from our past. Pushed down memories and feelings erupt, much like a volcano that’s finally released and blows.

The instant and intense feelings of jealousy, for instance, can often be traced to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness that quite often go back to childhood. As kids we took on those feelings based on things that happened or that we were told. Not knowing how to handle the feelings we stuffed them down and tried to live life as well as we could. Now, many people as they’re dating in their senior years, are surprised that these same old feelings pop up as a complete surprise.

Painful feelings explode in people with high and low education levels and with high and low status in life. Emotional maturity has nothing to do with money, power or status. A friend of mine had been dating a retired doctor. One night at dinner with friends the subject of politics came up. The doctor happened to learn that my friend didn’t share his views and planned to vote for the “wrong” candidate in the national election coming up. Dinner ended and my friend and her girl friend drove to the doctor’s house with him where they were going to share a little more time together. As they talked on the sidewalk after emerging from the car he pressed my friend again about who she planned to vote for. When she gave him the same answer he abruptly told her and her friend they were no longer invited into the house. He spun on his heel, walked in and slammed the door. In a few days he was apologizing, probably wondering to himself, where did all that anger come from?

Many of the emotions we can label – anger, jealousy, loneliness – often come from fear. Somehow there’s the fear that we’re going to lose something. The good news is, if sudden painful emotions arise for you they don’t have to continue. Instead, you can investigate to see if they’re true. Once the truth is seen the same feelings aren’t likely to come up next time around because you’ve already seen that what you thought was a snake in the road was only a rope.

I did a lot of work in the past aimed at going back to ferret out the start of painful emotions. I’ve since learned, however, that trying to find the source of the feeling isn’t necessary. All we need to do is investigate the present honestly. The doctor could, for instance, sit down and write out his feelings and question their accuracy if he was interested. His obvious thought was that his date for the evening shouldn’t plan to vote for the “wrong” party. But is that really true? Shouldn’t she have the right to vote as she wants just as he does? Is it true that he needs to control her vote and be angry if he can’t? Does he even know for sure that his party is right?

When someone hurts from jealous isn’t it the same issue? Aren’t they trying to control someone for fear of losing something? Whatever they’re trying to control, is it true they know best – that their way is right? Looked at honestly you might find you’re left with just the peace of letting people be who they are and allowing the world to do what it does. There’s an immense freedom and relaxation in that.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

38. If you loved me you'd do what I want

I have an acquaintance who’s been married many years, and he and his wife have a nice arrangement when it comes to their own interests. One example is that she likes the ballet and symphony; he doesn’t. So she goes to those functions and he stays home or does other things. It isn’t an issue for either of them and they both seem to recognize that in this area they’re different. They simply honor the difference.

That seems to be rare, though, and I’ve been surprised at the number of more mature singles I’ve known who have specific expectations to be fulfilled by any mate they connect with. The potential mate is expected to participate in his family’s Christmas gatherings, for instance, or to be alongside as she attends workshops. Though they may not be worded this way, the expectations is, “If you love me you’ll do what I want.” People say things like, “Well, that’s just what partners do when you have a good relationship,” or “I went to the opera with her, now the least she can do is go cross-country skiing with me.”

When your relationship includes those kinds of expectations you’re not talking about love. If you really love someone don’t you want them to be happy? And wouldn’t that entail their doing what they want? Of course if you want your partner to do something with you or for you, by all means ask. But your freedom to ask means your partner also has the freedom to say no. A “no” doesn’t mean someone doesn’t love you. Maybe your partner loves you enough to be honest with you, so there won’t be resentment later. Also, your partner could come right back at you with, “If you loved me you wouldn’t want me to do something I dislike.” The road runs both ways doesn’t it? Freedom always works; coercion and guilt never do, in the long run. Notice how you feel when you attempt to persuade your dating partner with guilt. That’ll tell you whether it works for you or not.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

37. The right question leads to dating happiness, the wrong one to pain

One reality we all see as we’re dating in our senior years is that our bodies aren’t as vital and spunky as they used to be, and we know that decline will continue. Of course that brings up what I’ve heard a lot, and I’ll bet you have too, “I want to find a partner because I don’t want to go through my later years alone. Time is getting shorter, I’m not getting any younger, and I don’t have as much to offer as I used to have.”

The underlying question is: How can I find a partner soon? It’s a nagging question that can haunt you. The problem is that it’s based on the assumption that I’m supposed to have a partner now. In other words, the question is the wrong one and it leads us down a painful path. Rather than, “How can I find a partner?” a more basic question that points you to reality would be, “I think I’m supposed to have a partner right now – is that true?” Since “what is”, or reality, is always true you know the answer. Look at it this way: It’s raining outside. How do we know it’s supposed to be raining? It is. “What is” always takes first place, and it doesn’t care whether we agree or not. It just is. In fact, can you even be sure there’s a “me” there to agree or disagree? We have ideas of a “me” but no one seems to find one when they really look. With no “me” to judge, all so-called problems are solved.

In the case of your finding a partner, you’re not supposed to have found one yet. How do you know? You don’t have one. That’s it. That’s what is. It can sound harsh but do you really know having a partner now would be best for you? Do you want to argue with reality and be miserable, all the while still not having a partner? Or do you just want to see that reality is what it is, and live a life without problems? It’s just like seeing there’s no water in the mirage. You don’t fight it, you simply see reality and don’t expect water there again.

While we give energy to a future that’s just a myth in our heads, we suffer and we don’t get to live the now that’s here. This moment is all there ever is. “Future” and “past” are just thoughts, and they only show up right now. When we’re in pain because we think we need a partner and don’t have one, we’ve lost any joy of the moment. And it’s all because we believed our thoughts when we could have questioned their reality.

For just a moment let yourself feel how you’d be without the thought: “I need a partner.” Just really feel that for a moment. Isn’t there a relaxation and an inner ease when you’re not trying to control life? Do you suppose it’s possible we’re not supposed to be trying to control life and instead just noticing that we’re “being lived”? If you just watched your dating life unfold, without thinking you have to control it, do you think it could just be a fun adventure?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

36. Relax and be happy, you can’t make a partner appear anyway

Your dating life will get much easier when you realize you don’t have to make things happen. You don’t have to find the perfect mate, for instance. When or if the right mate is supposed to show up in our lives it will happen, just as when new buds are supposed to show up on your rose bush in the spring it happens. Not a moment too soon, not a moment too late.

Now, that may sound pretty dreary and hopeless – “the right mate will show up when he’s supposed to”. But if it does, it’s because we have the thought, “If I had a mate I could be really happy.” Remember, though, it’s only a thought that makes life unhappy for us. When you’re asleep at night, where there are no thoughts, you’re not unhappy at all are you? In fact, our natural state is just contentedness. Dreamless sleep is proof. Or think how content and satisfied you are when you’re engrossed in some activity you like. You’re just fully present, not worrying about the past or future, and the natural state is simple joy. You don’t even notice where the time went.

It turns out that it’s a lot more relaxing to just notice that Life is moving all by itself. Nature takes care of itself, and we’re part of that nature. It seems pretty clear to me that that’s what Jesus meant when he said, Why worry?, look at the birds of the air and the lilies of the field. They don’t worry and they’re perfectly taken care of. Sages of all centuries have said the same thing: you’ll have what you need when you need it.

We don’t have to try to run the show. The truth is, we don’t know how anyway. We think we make things happen but we don’t even know how to move our hand do we? We know a thought shows up, “I want to move my hand” and it moves. But we don’t know which muscles and ligaments to activate to make that happen. In fact, next time you talk to someone, even on the phone, notice that your hands are moving all the time to help you explain. Yet you’re not even conscious that it’s happening until it’s pointed out. So, are you actually moving your hand? Or is hand-moving being done through you, just like your heart is beating and lungs are breathing? Some Power beyond you seems to be taking care of it all. Is it possible that Power is also taking care of you having a partner or not?

When you think, “I need a mate” you can ask yourself, “Is that true? How do I live when I grab onto that thought, and it’s not happening?” In that case, you’re arguing with reality, and you’ll always lose. In a way it’s like saying, “I need it to be sunny” when it’s raining. You can think that all you want but you’ll just make yourself miserable. When you go along with what is – the rain, in this case – you’ll be content again. If you don’t need a partner you’ll just be able to relax and enjoy the moment on your next date. Wouldn’t that be more pleasant?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

35. She could be peaceful even when he’s not faithful

If you think the man or woman in your life can make you happy, you also have to believe they can make you unhappy. Most people live between those two poles don’t they? Whether you’re a dating senior or a twenty-something that’s what you’ve probably learned: “If you do what I like I’m happy. If you do what I don’t like I’m unhappy.” We apply that same rationale to our date, our lover, our grown children and the neighbors. We’re sure we know what’s best. At least we know what’s best for us. That’s why we invest so heavily in trying to change people – so we can be happy. Even if our motivation is really “just to see them happy” isn’t the deeper reality that we want to make ourselves happy by seeing them happy?

But who gave us that job of changing externals so we can be happy? We took it on all by ourselves. We’ve assumed a “me” that’s running our lives, and we know what’s best. Then we have to fight all our lives to make it happen. But it never does. Once one problem is solved another comes up. If it’s not your date or partner it’s your grown kids or the government. There’s no peace. It’s a never-ending struggle. The only time we feel total relief is in deep sleep. There the thinking stops so “our” problems stop.

In these articles I’m talking about a radical change of view. Instead of attempting to get what we want, we notice reality as it is and do nothing more. Nothing! Just notice. Just observe. Just witness it. How many times have we been so sure something was terrible and later we’ve said, “That was a blessing in disguise.” Even when we can’t see what we think is a good end result do we really know from an infinite standpoint?

The lover isn’t faithful

Here’s an example. Take the lover who isn’t faithful to the monogamy he promised. We’re sure that’s dead wrong. But drop the judgment and we see what’s real. We see a man who isn’t faithful to his promised monogamy. “But he’s not supposed to do that,” you say. That’s a nice myth, but the reality is, he did. Can you fight that reality and win? No. It’s a done deal. He did what he did. “Supposed to” has as much to do with it as a red shirt.

If you want to judge him for it and feel abandoned and angry, guess who hurts? You do. The realistic, common-sense approach that seems so radical is to see the truth, not what you think should have happened. You can never live in the past; that’s where “should have” lives.

But from a place of seeing the truth in the moment you can say, “I understand you need to be with other women. For me I need a man who’s monogamous. We’re different, so I choose to move on.” There’s no need for all the emotional turmoil you’d experience if you’re resisting reality. In place of it is just the calm understanding that Life moves as it does. Part of the movement is a man who isn’t monogamous and a woman who sees that and moves on – effortlessly, spontaneously. Pretty simple isn’t it?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

34. Cling to your thoughts and reap dating disaster

You may be new to the senior dating world or you've been in it awhile. Or maybe you’re just considering the idea of dating again at this age. Without even realizing it you may also have a lot of preconceived ideas you’re buying into about dating in these mature years. In my last 10 years or so of dating as a senior I’ve heard mature singles talk about a host of beliefs they cling to that keep them from enjoying the whole adventure of dating.

Beliefs like “I’ve tried those online dating services and they don’t work,” or “I’ve looked at men’s profiles and they’re all looking for younger women” or “Women my age are too matronly; they don’t interest me” or “I’ve tried dating and everyone I meet is just not a fit for me.”

Have you considered, however, that those are beliefs – thoughts you’ve bought into? Of course they’re true for you because you believe them to be true. If you really want to know the truth, though, you might question those beliefs that could be preventing you from just having some fun at this senior dating thing.

Write out a belief, say “men are looking for younger women” and then look honestly to see, “Is that absolutely true?” You might notice that for some men it’s true, and for others it isn’t. Or take the belief “everyone I meet is just not a fit for me.” Well, maybe you just haven’t met enough people then. There are hundreds of thousands of singles in their senior years in this country. There have to be a few that would have some potential for you, don’t you think?

Question your beliefs

I’ve dated a great deal in the last 10 years or so and I’ve met a number of women who just weren’t a match for me, or me for them. We had a pleasant chat over coffee for an hour and it was over. But so what? There have also been many who, even though they may not have been a romantic match, have turned out to be very good friends. I’ve had a lot of enjoyment just sharing time with a variety of women. She didn’t have to be the love of my life for me to have a great time.

You might also have the mistaken belief that you need a partner to be happy. Is that true? Can another person make you happy or is that really your job? After all, you’re the only one you’ll never leave. But if you’re stuck to the idea that you need a partner to be happy, naturally you’ll be unhappy while you have no partner. There are no mistakes in life. It all happens just as it does, so if you have no partner it’s because right now you’re not supposed to have a partner. If you think that’s wrong ask yourself, “Can I absolutely know that the best thing for me right now would be to have a partner?" As one spiritual teacher says, “Who are we to think we can tell that which created us how to run our lives now?”

While you’re pursuing the dating world why wait for the glittering princess or the shining knight in armor to make you happy? Why not be happy while you’re in the process of meeting new people and exploring new possibilities? If you go into every first meeting with an agenda such as “I need to find just the right one” will you really be open to just seeing this person as she is?

It might help to remember that it’s always our thoughts that make us unhappy. It’s never any situation or person, but what we think about that person or situation that gives us pain. There’s no exceptions to this. You’re never unhappy in deep sleep are you? The circumstances of life didn’t disappear as you slept. What disappeared was your thoughts about them, nothing more.

If we think another person will make us happy we’ve assigned them a job they can’t fulfill. We’ve become attached to our idea of that person – our mythical image of him - not to the person as he is. Instead, when you’re just exploring life with no agenda, with your heart and mind wide open, isn’t there a natural joy of just being? Not being this or that, but just being. Live from there and your dating can be fun.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

33. "I'd never do that" - but does that make it wrong?

It can be surprising now, as a senior, to notice that some of the same old stuff comes up that came up when we were dating in our earlier years. A lack of understanding the behavior of our date or partner is one issue. “I just don’t understand you, I’d never do that,” we say, as though our way is right and theirs is wrong. Somehow we’ve picked up the idea that we’re supposed to understand them. We seem to think it’s their job to explain to our satisfaction. If it doesn’t make sense to us we won’t approve.

But wait a minute! Is it really the obligation of your date or lover to justify his behavior to you? Let’s say he doesn’t want to meet your family just yet. Or she plans an evening with girlfriends at a play. You don’t understand; it’s not the way you’d behave.

Does your date need to justify his actions to you? Or is it more true that he has a right to live as he wants? Who gets to decide how you live? If it’s you, then shouldn’t he also get to decide how he lives?

We always lose when we try to control life. People do what they do. Life happens as it does. Every tree grows with exactly the right number of branches and the right height. Every flower blooms precisely when it's supposed to. When we let Life flow the way it’s already flowing anyway, we’re happy. Our insistence on understanding another is not our right. Instead of trying to understand you can simply notice and accept. When you do that, you’re free, your partner is free and you can both enjoy seeing each other happy, doing what each wants to do.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

32. “I'm not good enough” – are you sure that’s true?

Throughout life we’ve been taught to think things through and figure things out. “Use your head,” they tell us. The message is clear: The mind is the key to our success. So we’re used to listening to our thoughts.

But you might have noticed, thoughts are often wrong,. We worry (thoughts) about something bad happening and later realize that was wasted energy. We think we know how something will turn out, and we don’t. We believe (thoughts again) we know how someone feels about a situation; they didn’t feel that way at all. Yet we don’t seem to notice how often our thoughts have nothing to do with real life. Life doesn’t care what we think, it just does what it does.

As we date in these mature years there are a lot of thoughts that can deter us or keep us from being happy. Most of them are probably wrong. If you head out on a date believing you’re not very attractive because you’ve put on 10 pounds, for example, how happy are you? How available are you to your date? Many of us have added a few pounds, we’ve all added a few wrinkles, parts of us that used to be vital and firm now are probably sagging a little.

Aging happens and there’s not a thing we can do about it. What we can do, however, is notice whether we’re believing our thoughts – about dating or anything else. If we’re not questioning our thoughts and beliefs we’re probably hurting, maybe a lot of the time.

We can’t stop the thoughts, they just show up. We don’t decide when to think or not, or what to think about. Don’t believe me about this, look and see if you want to. So, we don’t control thinking. But – and this is a big but – we can begin to see through the thoughts instead of attaching to them. A thought comes: “He probably won’t like me; I’m too fat.” Really? Is that true? Can you absolutely know that’s true? When you hold that thought you’re pretty miserable aren’t you? And if you answer honestly you’ll see that you don’t even know that it’s true. Would you be happier if you just let that thought go by?

I’ve known women who wouldn’t date for months because they had put on some weight. They were assuming they knew the truth – that men wouldn’t want to be with them. On the other hand, I know a man who’s been married twice, both times to fairly heavy women. And he’s a skinny guy. I also know three older, single women who have had face lifts. They must have felt they’d be more attractive to men. But is it true? The person they were was still there.

Every time you’re feeling some painful emotion – disappointment, sadness, anger, fear, unworthiness – notice what you’re thinking. If you want to get past the suffering ask yourself, is that thought true? If you’re not sure it is, doesn’t that mean you’re suffering for something you can’t even verify? How would you live if you didn’t believe the thought? You might notice you’d have a lot more fun and you’d also be a more delightful playmate.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

31. You're happy naturally when you drop your "shoulds"

Happiness. It’s the one thing we’re all looking for isn’t it? Whether it’s the teenage kid wanting to get his first car or the widower in his 60s who’s thrilled about the new woman he’s just met, we’re looking for happiness. Any time we want something it stems from the desire to be happy. We think if we get what we want it will add to our happiness. And it does, for a short time. But then we all know by this age, we’ll soon be on the search-for-happiness treadmill again. It never fails, what we get isn’t satisfying for very long.

I’ve talked about happiness in these articles, but what I mean is not a happiness that’s the opposite of unhappiness. That kind of happiness is always temporary and fickle. It’s here one minute and gone the next. Unhappiness is always lurking in the shadows. It comes in the form of worry that the thing we got will be gone, or we’ll get bored with it or it won’t deliver what we had pictured.

The kind of happiness I’m talking about is what you might also call inner joy, or contentment, or ease of life. I mean a general relaxation about life, where you notice that life has no problems; it’s all just an interesting adventure. The funny thing is, we don’t have to search for anything or get anything to have that kind of easy joy. We don’t have to search because that’s who we already are when we stop covering our essence with our inflated, ego-infected ideas of how the world should be.

When we let go of opinions and judgments and just see life as it unfolds, we’re like the child who just sees a fascinating world to explore. You don’t have to give a small child happiness. They’re happy naturally as long as they don’t have a physical problem, such as being hungry or needing to be changed. That same inner satisfaction and wonder for life is our nature also. It’s simply a matter of surrendering to life, just as it is.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

30. She got angry when she got no praise

I knew a woman once (we’ll call her Marie) who became angry and silent with her husband because he came home from work and didn’t notice she had washed and waxed the kitchen floor. You might think that’s a silly thing to be upset about but people do similar things all the time. It happens especially in dating relationships because we’re usually so hyper-sensitive to whether we’re being accepted and loved or not. And seniors in their 50s, 60s and beyond are no more immune than younger folks. In fact, I’ve seen that unless we question our programmed responses to life that programming will jerk us around until we die. Usually we’ve been programmed pretty early in life. The old tape plays and we don’t even know it’s been turned on.

We don’t know, that is, until we start paying attention to that unmistakable signal – we’re emotionally hurt. We know it by the pain in the shoulders, the hot feeling in the pit of the stomach, the knot in the gut. If Marie had known how to listen to that gut-wrenching sensation, she could have seen that her thoughts were the cause of her pain.

As she was feeling the disappointment and hurt she then might have stopped to question her belief that her husband should have noticed her shiny floor and praised her. She might have seen that his not noticing didn’t mean he didn’t care about her. She might have considered that perhaps he was tired. Or maybe he was worried because his annual review didn’t go well that day. The truth is, she wouldn’t need to know why he didn’t notice her clean floor but only that he didn’t notice. In simple terms, what happened was that he didn’t notice. You can accept it or fight it. Either way it doesn’t change.

But notice how painful it is when we believe our thoughts about a person or event and the world isn’t acting according to our beliefs. Seeing how much we hurt we might be more willing to question ourselves. In Marie’s case, let’s say she held the belief that her husband didn’t care about her because he didn’t notice the floor. That thought brings a lot of pain.

On the other hand, how would she feel if she questioned her belief that he didn’t care. She might see that she doesn’t know whether that’s true or not. What does life actually show? Do men sometimes not notice the gifts of women? Do women sometimes not notice the gifts of men? Sure. We’re all human. That’s the way life is, isn’t it? (See Article #19 again for Byron Katie’s method that could be used in this type of questioning.)

Do we really think that by getting mad at someone they’ll change and then we can be happy? That’s crazy isn’t it? The world and its people just do what they do. As long as we expect the world to make us happy we’re doomed. Happiness only comes from seeing that the world always does what it’s doing. When we let go of our opinions and judgments what’s left is just the natural wonder and awe of a child, watching this mystery of life unfold.

In this case, Marie was apparently expecting her husband to give her approval, instead of just approving of herself for a job well done. When he didn’t give it she felt cheated. Whether the issue is that your date didn’t hold the car door for you, or didn’t bring the flowers you expected or didn’t compliment you on your new dress, the disappointment always hurts when you expect something else. The question you can ask then is always the same: Is my interpretation of this correct? Do I know I’m absolutely right in my belief about this?

By investigating life we might understand that we’re not really controlling the show. We’re not in charge. When we believe life should be our way instead of the way it is, we suffer – always. The suffering may be in the form of jealousy, sadness, anger or whatever, but it’s there. It’s the warning bell, saying, “Your thinking is off track.” It’s like physical pain in your body, saying, “Time to see the doctor.” The suffer bell is saying, “Time to question your thoughts and beliefs.” If you do question, you might be surprised at the contentment and happiness you feel when you see “what is” and simply allow it to be that way. Then if you need to act you will. But you’ll do it with clarity and calm, not anger and hurt. “They” are never the cause of our suffering. It’s only always about us and our thoughts.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

29. Is your giving free, or do you want something back?

You’ve been in a long marriage and you know the ropes. You know that in a good relationship people do things for each other. Now you’re a senior in the dating world again and naturally you bring the pattern of your marriage into your life as you meet and mingle with potential partners. But often our idea of people doing things for each other forgets the freedom part. Instead of giving freely the giving looks like this: “I do this for you and you do that for me.” That even sounds fair doesn’t it? Good balance. But in order to keep a balance there has to be a list on one side balanced by a list on the other side.

That’s what many relationships are. They’re more like a business contract if you really examine them. The contract looks like this: “I’ll do this for you IF….” I’ll do this for you IF you go to the opera with me. I’ll do this for you IF you go to the company party with me. I won’t get mad at you IF you stay close to me at that party and don’t wander off and talk to other people. I’ll do this for you IF you go to my family functions during the holidays when I know you’d rather stay home.

I say relationships are usually about trading because there are few people who give love with no expectation of return. Love – real love - means no strings. It doesn’t mean “I do this for you and I expect something back.” You may expect just a smile, or a thank you. Or you may expect him to go with you to visit your grandkids. If you expect anything at all, it’s not love; it’s not freely given.

Instead, you’ve set up a contract. And the worst part is, your dating partner hasn’t even seen it or signed it. It’s a secret contract that only you know about. As you read this you may be saying, “I’d never do that; I don’t operate that way.” But if you look closely at some of the painful times in your relationship you might notice that an unmet expectation was the cause. You’re hurting because your partner hasn’t fulfilled his end of your secret bargain. How does that affect your relationship? Can’t you imagine your partner is chagrined when she finds out there were expectations she didn’t know about? If you think this doesn’t happen just recall how many times in life you’ve heard people say something like, “I went to (fill in the blank) and now he won’t even come to (fill in the blank).” Doesn’t add much happiness to your dating life does it?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

28. Without the freedom to leave you have no freedom to stay

If you could put that new guy or gal you’re dating in a cage would you do it? If you could cage them you’d always know where they were and they couldn’t get away from you. Of course you wouldn’t want that. But isn’t that what we’re doing, figuratively, when we try to control another with our jealousy and rage? We want to have power over them so we can be sure they’re always available to us. Our insecurities make us think we need to be in command of the person we’re dating.

But if we look deeper is that what we really want? If we really care for a person do we actually want them to stop living life the way they want and live life according to our wishes? Does that feel like love, or does it feel like manipulation? If we stop for just a minute to remember the feelings we’ve had when we feel trapped by a person, I think most people would say it’s not a good feeling. When someone is clinging to you don’t you feel smothered? Don’t you just want to get away?

Real love is always freedom. If we truly love someone we want for them what they want for themselves. It’s in freedom that people want to stay in a relationship, not when they’re being boxed in. If they don’t have the freedom to leave they don’t have the freedom to stay. It would be like saying, You have the freedom to eat but you don’t have the freedom to stop eating. Would you start eating? No, because you know you'd die. Look what happens to a pool of water when it has no outlet. A stream keeps feeding it but if it has no release the pool gets stagnant and dies. Or consider breathing… could you take in air without being able to let it out? It doesn’t work does it?

If you think you need to control someone by your jealousy you could ask yourself, Will she love me more when I try to restrict her freedom? Do I really need her to live her life my way instead of her own? Restriction isn’t love, it’s possession. And every possession contains within it the fear that you’ll lose it.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

27. Are you happily dating or tortured by turmoil?

The title of this blog is about making senior dating fun. “Fun” is a short word that works well in a headline. Better words might be something like “making senior dating pleasant” or “being happy as you date in these mature years”. What I’m really talking about is not “fun” as opposed to “not fun”; I really mean “fun” in the sense of being content and peaceful as you date, living with an inner joy or an ease that isn’t disturbed by what happens in your dating.

But the question is, How do we get to that place of contentment where we’re not bothered by the ups and downs of dating? Let’s just paint a scene here. Let’s say you wake up in the morning. For a few seconds you’re not quite aware where you are and thoughts of the world haven’t shown up yet. Then the thoughts come and you remember you had a disagreement with your lover. You’re immediately flooded with feelings of fear and unease. Shortly after, the phone rings and you get the news that you’re a grandmother for the first time, and you’re elated.

Did the fact of your disagreement and the fact of your new grandchild make you happy or unhappy? After all, those were facts before you thought about them. But they didn’t affect you until thoughts came in. It’s like that in life all the time. Certain thoughts show up and we’re happy, other thoughts show up and we’re unhappy. When we attach to those thoughts we’re always on a rollercoaster aren’t we? It happens a lot in the dating world because many of us have a strong desire to be successful in finding a partner. Especially as seniors we often don’t want to be alone in later years. So the stakes are high, thus the emotions are intense.

If you depend on the mind, it’ll always make you unhappy. Even when you feel happy there’s the fear that you’ll lose what’s making you happy and so even the happiness is tainted with a fear in the background. I know a woman who told me she’s always asking her lover, “Are we all right?” What she means is, Am I secure with you? Are you going to leave? That’s all just generated in thought.

Actually it’s not thoughts that are the problem. They come constantly without our consent. The problem is that we latch onto those thoughts and think they’re “my” thoughts. We act like they define us. But the thoughts change so frequently - and the feelings that go with them – that we have to wonder, Can I really hang my well-being on all these shifting thoughts? Without the thought who would we be? We might just be like the small child, aware and present, but without an interpretation and judgment about thoughts, just watching and witnessing life and noticing that most of the time life doesn’t even coincide with our thoughts. Want proof? Just think of all the things you worried about that never happened. Or just watch and see how your feelings go up and down because of thoughts. Do you really want to live that way? Be the witness and you don’t have to.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

26. Mature dating as carefree as a playful pup

You know that natural delight with life that you see in a playful pup or a cooing baby? As a senior in the dating world do you feel that natural delight? Probably not. But animals and small children live that all the time. It’s their nature, and it’s also our nature. But we usually don’t live in that freedom and inner joy. Why not?

The sages and mystics throughout the centuries have all said the same thing after awakening to the reality of life. The difference, they say, is that small children, under the age of two or so, don’t yet have that sense of “me”. Put them in front of a mirror and they don’t know the reflection there is their own image. So without a sense of “me” they don’t try to control and judge the world. They’re simply aware of the world, without really even knowing they’re aware. It’s simply total surrender to “what is”. But that’s even a wrong way to say it because there’s no sense of a “me” there to surrender. It’s just Isness, if you could say it that way.

I take a 3- or 4-mile walk most mornings, and this morning I saw some people stopped and talking to a neighbor. A dog on a leash was standing there, just waiting calmly. Another dog might be straining to move, but not because he’s unhappy, only because he’s curious and his nature is to explore. A lot of squirrels play in my back yard and they’re totally spontaneous. They jump here and there, sometimes playfully chasing each other at rocket speed, totally at ease with just being. They don’t even know they’re squirrels. They just are!

We “are” also, without even thinking about it. Without thought we know we exist, that we “are”. From that place we’re just simple presence or awareness, like an animal or a small child. But we’ve taken on a “me” identity, and with that we’ve also assumed that we know how the world should be working and what people should be doing. What we don’t seem to notice, and the mystics have always pointed out, is that what we think about the workings of people and the world has nothing to do with how it really is. We think our date should be nice to us when they’re not. Well, guess what? Reality always wins – they weren’t nice. That’s it. If we want to argue with that we’ll be miserable. If we want to simply see it as the way life is sometimes we’ll be spontaneously happy, like a small child.

Then from that freedom we might ask them to be nicer but we’re just asking. We’re not trying to change them so we’ll be happy. We can ask and if they don’t agree we can just let them be who they are while we move on to other things. It’s really simple when we get rid of the idea that “I’m a separate entity that has some control” and “I know how life should be”. We’re not in control. We can see “what is as it is” and be joyful. Or we can think “we” know best, and fight and argue and be in pain.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

25. He shouldn't be dancing with her! - really?

Jealousy: It's a huge issue in many dating relationships. Fear is what people usually experience when they’re jealous, and the way we often express it is in anger. We might think that by the time we’re seniors and dating, we’d be beyond jealousy. In my experience that’s not the case. I’ve known people in their 80s who feel extreme jealousy, and they suffer. If you’ve felt jealousy in a relationship you know what it feels like. Your body tells you in an instant. However, if we step back from the automatic responses in our heads, and question ourselves instead, we may find surprising peace.

When we feel jealous of our friend or partner in a relationship what we’re really saying is, You don’t have the right to do what you’re doing: You shouldn’t be so friendly to him, you shouldn’t be so flirty with her, you didn’t need to meet her for coffee, you shouldn’t have danced with him, etc. But what’s real here? What’s real is that they “did” do whatever it is you’re objecting to. The world is as it is. We can argue with it as long as we like and it’s still the way it is, including the people who populate it.

With our jealousy, however, we’re saying to someone: You shouldn't live the way you want to live. You’re supposed to live the way I want you to live. Isn’t that what’s going on? Is that what you’d call love? It’s certainly not freedom is it? And it looks a lot like coercion, force and manipulation to me.

We fear that Special One will move out of our life. So we make ourselves miserable trying to control them. On a practical level, does it work? Let’s review the scene: She does something and you feel jealous. You get angry with her. Now she’s supposed to love you… more? Oh, sure, that makes a lot of sense doesn’t it? “I’ll get mad at you and then you’ll really love me!” I don’t think so.

When we really look and admit it to ourselves don’t we see that life just is as it is? If we really had control over it, would many of the things in our life have happened the way they did? So if someone leaves you, you could just notice reality: They left. Then ask yourself, Can I know they should have stayed with me? Can I really know that would be best for them and me? You might see that you really don’t know.

Mostly we’re trying to find security where there is none. None… really. Your partner could get killed by a bus tonight. You could die of a heart attack before bed time. Let your lover/friend/partner be who they are and notice how you feel. The stress of trying to control is gone. What’s left is peace and inner joy. Isn’t that why you wanted a partner in the first place?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer