66. Are you an honest person who deceives in dating?

When we’re dating, especially in these senior years, it’s easy for otherwise honest people to be deceiving, in both overt and covert ways, and in ways that might surprise even them. Some of the ways I’ll talk about may seem totally harmless. But they always bring pain, subtle though it may be.

For instance, you date Janie several times and you realize she’s just not the person for you. She’s a very nice woman, and being the nice guy you are, you don’t want to hurt her feelings so you don’t tell her the truth. Instead you say you’ll call her soon, with no plan to ever do so. Or if she calls you and suggests getting together you make up a handy excuse. You can chalk it up to caring about her. But is that totally true? Doesn’t the whole truth include the fact that you don’t want to hurt, yourself, by knowing that she’s hurting and you feel responsible?

Even if you could hurt her, wouldn’t it be more honest to just tell her upfront? I’ve had times when I’ve needed to do that, and I feel uncomfortable even though I know I’m not responsible for a woman’s feelings. But it’s the most loving thing I can do because I’m not stringing her along and I’m not lying to her. It also keeps my integrity intact.

Another way it’s easy to be dishonest, even when you think you’re a very honest person, is through subtle manipulation – so subtle you probably don’t even recognize it as manipulation. Let’s say the woman you’re really enthralled with likes to go out to dinner. You’d prefer meals at home, but you give her the impression that you love eating out. Why would you do that?

The answer is probably fear, fear that you won’t have the person you want in your life. At this age we’re often even more aware that we don’t have too many years ahead of us and that finding a mate may be harder than it seemed when we were younger. So we fudge a little. We lie about our age and call it a white lie. We haven’t been asked directly so therefore we don’t tell a date that we’re also dating others. We’re not lying, we tell ourselves, but aren’t we being deceitful?

We can easily overlook subtle untruths because it’s natural for people to want success in their dating. It’s not that you’re a bad person when you mislead, manipulate or lie in subtle ways. What happens when you live that way, however, is that you live in tension and pain. It may be subtle suffering but inside you know it doesn’t feel good. No wonder people say they don’t like dating in their senior years. This kind of thing isn’t fun, it’s not open and it’s not truthful.

Straight out truth is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and others. If you think you’re going to hurt someone realize it’s their own interpretation of your words that hurt them, not you. If someone tells you you’re just not a match for them does that have to be painful to you, even if you were very interested in them? It can be, yes. But question that idea that hurts? Are they supposed to be interested in you? No, because they’re not. Is it supposed to rain today? Yes, because it is. It’s that simple. Operate in the real world as it is, and not in your idea of how you want it to be and you’ll find you live in unflappable ease. Try to force and control and manipulate your dating world and you’ll hurt – 100% of the time.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

65. Her suffering is born from her dream-lies of the future

Wanting to be with a compatible mate is obviously built into us. For most it’s a pretty natural part of living, no matter how old we are. After my mother died my dad met a woman at a seniors gathering and married again at 88. She was two years younger. Certainly there’s no problem in dating to meet a partner. But you can be in a world of hurt when you’re blinded by the need to be loved and you don’t see reality.

A friend of mine, Annette, clings to the same guy even though he’s told her several times over the past few years that he doesn’t want a romance, only a friendship. They’re both in their 60s and active in the same church, so friendship in their many regional church activities would be natural. And even though Annette has told me she knows this guy is a womanizer and wouldn’t be good for her, she still keeps going back time and again, trying to establish a connection with him.

Six months ago he told her clearly once more that he wanted no more than a friendship with her. She told me she cried for two days. Several days ago she told me she traveled to Canada with him over the holidays to be with his family. I can see it already. She’ll be crying again soon.

It’s clear that her pain comes from her inability to see reality. A little investigation always reveals what’s real. In this case Annette could ask herself if this guy has been clear and consistent. Has his message ever changed? But we too often concoct false dreams. The future can be an alluring and captivating image we hold in our minds so firmly it begins to look real. We paint our dream pictures and cling to them. But they’re just thoughts that have no real substance if you look closely. They come out of nowhere and they’ll go back to nowhere if we don’t feed them with the energy of attention.

Dreams are pictures of the future that aren’t real. What’s real? What is, is real. What is is always in the present. Ask yourself, what’s true right now? Maybe you’ve just had a nice dinner together and kissed good night. Does that have anything to do with a future? It couldn’t have, because future is just a thought. No matter how many thoughts about the future we have, that’ll never change the fact that the future is just a made-up lie. I call it a lie because it’s not true. We’re deceiving ourselves.

The false always hurts because it’s made up. Reality never hurts… unless we have opinions that it shouldn’t be the way it is, unless we start embellishing it with false desires. Do we really know anything about the future and what it should be? Do we know the guy we’re interested in will make our life better for sure? Do we even know there will be a future? Of course the answer is no. So why not live in just now, just what is? In that presence is all we ever need. There is no future… only self-made dream lies.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

64. “He left me for a new lover”… is that good news or bad?

There’s an old Chinese story you may have heard about a poor farmer, barely eking out a living, who went out to his barn one morning to find his only horse had escaped. The horse was his only means of plowing his land and providing a meager living for his family. The neighbors heard about it and said, “Oh, you poor man. You’ve lost your only horse, what a tragedy.” The farmer said, “Well, maybe yes and maybe no.”

A couple of mornings later the farmer went out to tend his fields and noticed that his horse was back, and a herd of wild horses had followed him so now he had a herd of horses. The neighbors found out and said, “Oh, you lucky guy. Now you’re rich.” The farmer said, “Well, maybe yes and maybe no.”

The next day the farmer’s only son, who helped him on the farm, was breaking one of the wild horses and was thrown and broke his hip. The neighbors said, “Oh, you poor fella. Now you have no one to help you with the planting and you won’t have crops this year.” The farmer said, “Well, maybe yes and maybe no.”

A few days later officials from the military came to the house to draft the young man for war. But with his broken hip they couldn’t take him. The neighbors said, “Oh, you’re so blessed. All our sons have to fight and be killed but your son gets to stay home safely with you.” And the farmer said, “Well, maybe yes and maybe no.”

The point of the story, of course, is that we don’t know what the future will bring. Yet we spend a lot of energy fretting and worrying about a future that isn’t real. It’s only a thought in our heads. So if someone you’re attracted to doesn’t want to date you any more, is that good news or bad? If your lover suddenly finds a new lover, or cheats on you, is that good news or bad? We just don’t know. What we do know is that life is just what it is, and it’s always changing. Without opinions you can just let it be and watch. You might be surprised that what you see is nothing like the dreaded picture you had painted in your head.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

63. See the reality that life has ups and downs and dating takes on a new flavor

For a year, just after college, I worked as a newsman in a radio-TV station. It soon became clear to me that the world of news is the same day after day. I used to say, “It’s just another report of another accident only today it’s on a different corner and the victims have different names.”

In the last year we’ve all seen news ranging from the Indonesia tsunami to Hurricane Katrina to the recent loss of a dozen men in a coal mine in West Virginia. These are real tragedies, especially for those who lost loved ones, homes and more. Yet – and this may sound crass – realistically we can see that these things aren’t wrong, they’re just the way the world functions. It’s been going on this way since before we were born – same story, different corners and victims.

In that broader context we see that life is just what it is. God, or the Infinite Power, just functions and there’s necessarily the good and the bad. Yet we think there should only be good. But as soon as we see beauty the ugliness is there too. You could only know beauty from a place of not-beauty.

Why is this relevant to senior dating? Because it’s too easy to get into the painful habit of focusing our attention too narrowly, as though we were looking through a microscope. We can forget to lift our heads and see a broader, more full picture of life than the microbes under the lens.

When we suffer because we want only positives – right but not wrong, happy but not sad, good but not bad -- we’re forgetting that the world operates always in the pairs of opposites. We also forget that we’re the ones adding the labels “good” and “bad” to what is.

Some dates are going to be good and some aren’t. That’s reality. Some potential partners will add to our lives, others will bring hurt. That’s reality. Some will deceive us, others won’t. That’s reality. So instead of confronting life and fighting reality we’ll be at ease if we spontaneously go with what is. When you participate willingly with what happens, life is natural and free-flowing. You have a deep conviction of “Thy will, oh Lord, not mine.” With that also comes a deep sense of peace and joy. No resistance, no pain.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

62. Does real love come from feelings or from clarity and understanding?

Love is a funny word in our language. It has many meanings. People say, “I love baseball, I love that hairdo, I love this new car, I love my wife.” Obviously the same word applies to different emotions. The love you feel for baseball isn’t the same love you feel for your wife. When it comes to dating and romantic relationships the word is pretty often badly misused.

You might say you’re falling in love with the new woman you’ve been dating. But most of the time people really mean they love someone as long as that person is giving back what they want. So it’s not really love; it’s more of a trade. When your partner does something kind for you, you love them. When they do something you don’t like the love is gone and you’re angry with them and sometimes even want to hurt them.

Years ago I read a book by John Powell who described love as a decision, not an emotion. He explained that even when you’re angry or disappointed in your partner you can still operate from your underlying awareness of who that person really is, and from the compassion of who you want to be. You see the truth of who they are – kind, loving and caring – even though at this moment they may be pretty confused and nasty. You might even realize that you’ve been confused and nasty at times so she’s just doing what you’ve done. You don’t have to be nasty in return.

It’s easy to know whether you’re loving unconditionally and without strings. Just ask yourself if you want something from the person you love – anything at all. If you do something nice for them do you expect them to return the nicety? I knew a guy who used to give his wife a lavish piece of jewelry a week or two before Christmas. He’d give it to her every year the very day of the annual Christmas faculty party for the school she taught in. It’s obvious he wanted something back – a lot of praise. And his wife was expected to dutifully show everyone, “See the beautiful bracelet Harry gave me?”

Emotions – feelings – come and go. When we have conflicts with a date or partner we often look to our feelings, and base our responses on those feelings. That often means we start a war. But feelings are a lie; they’re fickle. What if you didn’t get caught up in your feelings? What if you stopped for a moment and questioned your thoughts. “Is this angry thought and feeling really true of what I feel toward my partner?”

You might notice that without your thoughts about how hurt you feel because of her actions you could instead switch the focus to her and see her hurt and confusion right now. Instead of looking to feelings to give you the truth you could look to the reality of who you know her to be under her temporary hurt. With that understanding and awareness you wouldn’t need to start that war. You could be compassionate instead and have a lot more peace and happiness.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

61. Living only happens now, yet dating is about the future. What gives?

By its nature dating is about the future. We want to meet someone and find out if they could be our partner. In reality, however, there is no future. Future doesn’t really exist. It’s only a picture in our minds. Right now is all there ever is. When we think of the future we think of it right now. But if you look carefully at your life you’ll probably notice that we spend a lot of energy trying the make the future better than right now. In effect we’re saying that right now isn’t good enough. The future will be better if I do the right thing now.

But when our imagined future gets to be right now what are we doing? Looking to the future again. There’s a lot of stress in that. We can’t just settle down and be. We have to be striving, striving all the time, attempting to make a better future. Yet real living can only happen in this moment; it’s the only time there will ever be. When our minds are full of chattering thoughts about past and future how much of the moment do you think we’re experiencing? Not much. The senses are still registering everything in the moment – we see, hear, feel, etc. But the fullness and richness of simple presence isn’t fully enjoyed because so much of our energy and attention is on thoughts. We miss the moment.

So how do we reconcile that with dating, which is nothing if not about future? Here’s what the mystics teach: Take your attention off the future and let it take care of itself. What’s needed when the future gets to be the present will be there as we need it. If you’re on a date with someone be completely with that person, without “future” thoughts like: “I wonder if this will go further? Will he call again? Is tomorrow too soon to ask her out again? He’s asked her to dance twice, does that mean he’s falling for her?” This doesn’t mean we don’t plan for a future. If you’re planning for a date the planning can only happen now, so be fully present to it when it’s happening.

With your attention channeled on now instead of anticipating the future or rehashing the past, you’ll more fully experience the joy of life as it is – not how you hope it will be, but just in the magnificence and full flavor of right now. As you give energy to wanting something in the future your life is about trying, strain and stress. As you put more attention into just “what is” right now you’ll be tension-free and calmly witnessing as life unfolds naturally, just the way it’s meant to be.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

60. Will flair and flash or everyday being make you happy with a new partner?

I’ve noticed that sometimes it’s easy, even as a senior in life with a lot of experience, to forget what’s really important as we date. What are we really looking for? Yes, we’re looking for a relationship but what do we really want from that relationship? It’s sometimes surprising to me to notice all the online dating profiles that are focused on what I’d call the flash of life. People talk about travel and nights on the town and walking sunny beaches in far-away places. Yes, all that is romantic but is it realistic?

When you think about it, beyond the flamboyance and flair, beyond the dazzling lights and paid-for pleasure aren’t we really looking for someone who will just be there for us in everyday life? Sure, I understand people saying they like to travel so they can find a traveling partner. But it seems to me the focus is on external activities and appearance much more so than on ordinary daily life. And out of the 365 days in a year how many will be spent on flash and flair and how much of the time will be in normal, everyday living? Things like going for a walk in the neighborhood, preparing simple, healthy meals at home, quiet visits to friends and relatives, the nurture and care of one another in times of a health crisis. How would your date stack up in these areas?

You may have seen the story below, that I think illustrates what I’m discussing here. It reminds me that we often seek “out there” for happiness when the real happiness is in just simple, daily being.

Here’s the story:

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the Mexican. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican. "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the Mexican. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really?"

"And after that?" said the Mexican. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village on the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

59. Your years of “wisdom” may be causing you a lot of dating pain

As a dating senior, whether you’re in your 50s, 70s or beyond, you’ve lived enough years to have gained some valuable wisdom and experiencee. I was reminded of that again this morning when I read a New York Times op-ed piece written by a guy who’s lived on a farm with his wife for the past eight years. He wrote that he understands the wisdom of the old farmers he knows.

“They are wise,” he wrote, “because everything has already happened to them. The barn has burned down. The cows have trampled the cornfield. A finger has vanished into the combine. The soybean market has gone south. If the very worst hasn't happened to one farmer, it has happened to the neighbor down the road. A lot of the surprise has gone out of life.” We could say that about a lot of other things in life too at this age: A lot of the surprise is gone.

Yet sometimes our experience doesn’t seem to serve us well. When it comes to mature dating, I’ve noticed just in my own experience over 10 years that a lot of the surprise about life may be gone, but it sure isn’t true about a lot of relationship pain. Why is that? It appears that while we’ve had a lot of experience we’ve also formed some pretty firm ideas of how things should be by this age. And our ideas may not match reality in the dating world.

Even if we’ve had real challenges in past relationships we tend to forget that challenge is actually a realistic part of a relationship, especially when we’re older. And especially after a long marriage. Dating at this stage of life is never what we expected we’d be doing, and it’s new and different than it was 30 or 40 years ago. We have our ways of doing things and seeing life. Someone else comes along and their ways aren’t like ours. We were used to how Fred didn’t pick up his socks and Mary got irritated when the toilet seat was left up. It wasn’t much of a big deal.

Differences can be painful, though, when we think my way is the only way and your way is wrong. The cows aren’t supposed to trample the cornfield. Maybe Ray, the guy you’re now dating, flirts with waitresses. You think, “My late husband never did that and Ray shouldn’t either.” Or Marge, your new love, wants to keep her male friends. Your wife doted only on you; doesn’t Marge love you enough not to need other male friendships?

The problem in these and many similar scenarios we could describe, is that if you’re hurting you probably haven’t questioned your life views. You haven’t needed to question them in the past. But now you’re in a new game. Are your beliefs and long-held conceptions true? Does it really mean Marge doesn’t love you because she wants to have lunch with other guys as friends? Is Ray’s flirting with a waitress just his fun, joking way of enjoying people instead of the threat to your relationship that you’ve made it out to be?

Suffering in your dating can only come because you haven’t looked to see reality as it is. “What is” never causes hurt. Only our opinions of what is cause us to hurt. We’ve all lived long enough by this time to have a lot of fixed “shoulds” and “oughts” about life. So everything we see in life, tends to pass through these “right-wrong” filters. In other words we’re judging most of the time. When we stop judging, however, we can see what’s actually happening, not what’s happening through our filters. We see that our idea of what Marge and Ray should do is just that – our idea. Does that make it right? When you question it you may find your way of seeing has been colored by the past.

Your husband flirted and had affairs. Does that mean Ray is flirting to have an affair? Is it true that he’s even flirting at all or is that your interpretation of his friendliness? When you’re hurting because of something your new date or partner does it’s time to stop and question, if you want to get out of the pain. Ask yourself: What’s making me angry or sad or jealous? You find your date is doing something she shouldn’t be doing. But ask further: Is that true? Are you seeing through filters that may never have been true? Is it possible your belief is just plain wrong? Have an honest look. With openness you might find you’re seeing this new person with fresh eyes, not through your filters. And who they are, you might see, is wonderful.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

58. Your painful programming can be gone in a flash when you stay in "now"

You might think you’ve been programmed to respond to situations in certain ways, or you have an image of yourself that’s been programmed for many years. These old programs can get easily triggered in a dating relationship because we’ve got something at stake. We want a partner. A guy I knew was married for many years to a woman who would just clam up when there was difficulty. That was probably her programming, and it just took over and that’s how she responded every time there was difficulty in the relationship. No communication. Great manipulation. The older you are the stronger the programming! Bummer!!! <Joking> But let’s take a look at programming or conditioning for a minute.

What is conditioning? It’s a memory of repeated messages we’ve taken in from others or given ourselves isn’t it? Someone may have told us we were stupid many times as a kid; we took in that message and even added to it by telling ourselves the same thing. So we say we’ve been programmed to feel stupid. People often act as though they’re victims of that conditioning. But anything from the past, including conditioning, shows up now only as a memory doesn’t it? It really doesn’t exist. It’s just a thought that we call memory because it’s from the past. There is no such thing as the past except as a memory that appears only in the moment. Right now.

Without thinking about it, how programmed are you? It’s not possible to actually be programmed. It’s only possible to have a memory of programming. Yet programming can have an effect if we don’t examine our thoughts. If an old memory tape plays and we’re not even aware of it then the programming is working. However, you don’t need a rocket scientist to become aware when programs are playing. Usually you’re not feeling happy at that time. You’re suffering. And the suffering is a clanging bell that says, something needs fixing here, just like pain in the body is a signal to get help.

So when you notice you’re hurting emotionally just stop for a minute. Stop and notice what you’re thinking. If you’ve got an old programming tape playing – one of those things you believe because you know you’ve heard it at least a thousand times – now you can know that it’s nothing more than a thought. See through it and it loses its power. After all, programming is just a phantom that seems real, just as you think a mirage will give you water, until you see the reality. It seems that we really are stupid because of the programming. But without thoughts there is no programming and no “stupid” feeling. It doesn’t take years on a therapist’s couch. Just notice your false thoughts and come back to “now”, that’s all.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

57. When senior dating makes you hurt here’s how to watch pain dissolve

Let’s say your dating has left you disappointed or angry, or feeling abandoned or jealous. Whatever it is, something is causing you to hurt emotionally. Yesterday I talked about how we label things and that labeling causes the hurt to last longer and feel stronger. Why is that true? Because the label is just a word, a thought, it’s not the reality. Have you ever noticed how something you worried so much about turns out to be much less painful in reality than your worried thoughts about it? That’s because we’ve dredged up a lot of painful memories from the past that we’ve slapped onto the thing with our label.

Without a label an emotion is just a sensation in your body. If you look around the room you’re sitting in right now do you have to tell yourself you’re seeing it? No, the seeing is just happening isn’t it? In the immediacy of what is you’re just seeing, before thoughts and labels come up. So let’s say you’re feeling a sensation you call fear right now. As soon as you label it you’re not seeing it fresh, just now, as it is. With your added label you’re now experiencing what that label means to you. But it’s based on what? It’s based on a dead past. You’re dragging in a past that doesn’t even exist except in your mind.

You say you’re feeling fear, and you remember all those terrible experiences you associate with fear in the past. Pretty soon you’re putting a lot of energy into that label, “fear”. Your natural reaction then is to resist those painful feelings and in thinking about it and resisting it what happens? Energy is fed into it and it grows and grows. Remember, without energy a thing just dies, even a thought or a label, which is just a word for a thought.

Bankei, a Zen monk of about the 16th century, said, “Everything is perfectly resolved in the unborn. Why exchange the unborn for thought?” What he means by the unborn is just what arises spontaneously and in the moment. He’s saying when we just see it and leave it alone it will resolve itself. When we exchange that simple seeing of “what is” with thoughts and labels we’ve turned it into something it’s not.

The way through an emotion, whether we label it fear or loneliness or jealousy or anger, is to just be with it. See it as it is, just in its freshness and immediacy, like you see the room before thoughts about the room come in. In just the clear seeing of a sensation, when it’s not fed energy by labeling it and resisting it, you might be surprised at how fast it runs its natural course and just disappears.

Yes, it may come up again because our habit is to label and resist. But once we’ve seen that the label isn’t the real, and the real is never as bad as the label, we can just drop the label again and be with what is. You’ve already seen that the label is not true so you don’t get stuck in that any longer. Then what are you left with? Just Being, contentedness.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer