166. Accepting “what is” in mature dating reveals the happiness we seek

The real source of our happiness – whether we think a partner or a new car will do it – is pretty hard to see. By the time you’re a senior or mature person in the dating world you’ve probably noticed that when we get happiness it doesn’t seem to last very long. Yet all we know how to do when the short-lived happiness is gone is to try for something new. So life becomes continued stress and striving, punctuated by brief respites of happiness and peace.

I was talking about happiness in the article (#165.) I wrote yesterday, and I said:
“What does actually make us happy if it isn’t getting more? Strangely enough the sages have been teaching forever that the end of seeking reveals the happiness that’s already our true nature. It’s just been waiting for us to notice. A Chinese spiritualist and philosopher of many centuries ago, Chuang-Tzu, put it this way: ‘Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.’

Seeking and striving by its very nature tells us that we’re not happy with what is right now. So seeking, itself, is unhappiness.”

Maybe a little expansion or clarification of that would help. Until we look closely we don’t see that getting something we wanted really has nothing to do with the short-lived happiness we feel at that time. We think we got the thing we wanted and it made us happy. But soon our achievement or acquisition became commonplace and the happiness wore off.

But the truth is different. The reason a sage writes that happiness is the end of striving for happiness is that it’s in that space after we get something that we let go of the seeking and struggle for a short time. That’s when we’re happy and at peace. Check out your own experience and you’ll probably see that it works like this:
1. We want something.
2. We strive to get it.
3. Sometimes we actually do get it.
4. Then we’re happy and we think it’s because we got what we wanted.
5. We don’t see that it’s the end of seeking, the relaxing, not the getting, that made us happy.

There’s peace when we simply relax into our natural being, without the effort and struggle of trying. Then, for a short time we’re all right with the world. We’re not unhappily looking for something more, bigger or better. That relaxed acceptance of the world just the way it is leaves us with the uncaused joy that’s our natural state. If joy is like a light bulb, wanting and striving is covering it with mud. When we clean off the mud of wanting and desire, and let life flow the way nature intended, the light shines brightly and happily, as it always has been.

So how can we be happy when we’re dating? We’re happy when we simply relax with what’s happening. We’re actually being lived by the ultimate source that is everything. If it’s meant for us to date, we do. If it’s meant for us to find a partner we do. Life, like the ocean, ebbs and flows. We’re happy and peaceful when we just allow it to be as it is. And isn’t happiness and peace the reason for dating in the first place?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

165. Could it be that happiness exists when we stop seeking it?

Have you ever noticed that nearly everyone thinks if they get something more they’ll be happy? More money, more power, more status, a new relationship – if I had this I’d be happy. On close investigation we see that getting more isn’t the answer. If it was we’d still be happy from the things we got earlier that made us happy then – for a short time. If more money made us happier then the richer we got the happier we’d be. The wealthiest on earth would be the happiest.

What does actually make us happy if it isn’t getting more? Strangely enough the sages have been teaching forever that the end of seeking reveals the happiness that’s already our true nature. It’s just been waiting for us to notice. A Chinese spiritualist and philosopher of many centuries ago, Chuang-Tzu, put it this way: “Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.”

Seeking and striving by its very nature tells us that we’re not happy with what is right now. So seeking, itself, is unhappiness. The subject of this blog is senior and mature dating. We just assume that the purpose of dating is to find a partner and therefore more happiness. So does it make sense for me to quote some ancient philosopher about not seeking? What I’ve seen in my own experience is that it does, and here’s why.

Every time I’ve tried to get something more I notice that I feel stress. Thoughts swirl around: what steps do I need to take? how can I make this happen? which way do I need to turn? can I do more, can I do it faster or better? oh, I’ve got what I think I want; now how do I keep it? Those thoughts don’t produce peaceful, happy feelings.

Yet in the 12 years since my wife died I’ve dated quite a lot. I continue to date and I continue to enjoy the company of a woman. In those earlier dating years I was striving. Now that I’ve grown spiritually and see the reality of life, dating for me is quite different. It’s just part of the natural flow of “my” life and I enjoy it for what it is. I can never know that finding a partner would really make me happier. We all know relationships can sometimes be pretty confusing and painful. So having a partner may bring me suffering, I just don’t know.

What I do know is that the infinite intellegence energy of the universe (call it God or whatever word suits you) knows what it’s doing as it exists and lives through everything that is – including you and me. If we’re supposed to date and find a partner that’ll happen. With that realization dating can be done without striving and stress, without seeking a future. It can be its own reward, just like dancing or listening to music is its own reward.

Life will continue to unfold as it always has. Without striving and struggling for what we feel we don’t have, we’re already happy. There’s an ease and contentment in not thinking we have to run the show and control events and circumstances. What’s left when we give up the judgments and give up thinking life has to be “my way” is happiness. It’s our natural state, and we live in that state every moment that our focus is on just being in the now of life rather than on the central character we think we are, with all its “shoulds” and “oughts” and wants and desires.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

164. When you have to coax him for a compliment is it meaningless?

Women are different from men. Have you noticed? I’m joking; of course you have. Physically it’s easy to notice the many differences between men and women. On a mental and emotional level there are also huge differences but they’re not so easy to see and it’s common for us to overlook them. Men think women see things the way they do, and vice versa. Many books are available on the subject.

They usually focus on how we can change ourselves and be more perceptive. I’d like to talk, instead, not about changing the person we think we are but about seeing life as it is, without our judgments and stories. The other day I had a conversation with a friend and the subject of compliments about dress came up. Women like to be told they look nice, and often men don’t even think about saying something. A woman might think if he cared he’d tell her but he honestly doesn’t notice.

I remember when my wife was alive and we’d visit someone’s house for the evening. On the way home she’d say something like, “How did you like that wall paper in their dining room?” I’m struck dumb. “What? What wall paper? I didn’t notice wall paper. Heck, I didn’t even notice there was a wall there.” She’d be incredulous: “You mean you didn’t even notice that pretty lavender wall paper?” No, the truth is, I didn’t.

Because women often don’t seem to get the compliments they’d like to hear regarding how they look or how well they’ve accomplished something, they sometimes throw out hints. If the guy is perceptive enough to pick them up (and she can’t begin to understand if he isn’t!) he might give her the compliment she’s seeking. More than once I’ve heard a woman in such a situation say, “Well, I had to coax it out of him so it couldn’t have been sincere. If I have to ask for it, it doesn’t really mean anything.”

But does she really know he doesn’t care and that his compliment isn’t sincere? The ego is so subtle and so needy of praise and approval that we often don’t even notice that our hurt is only based on our own belief about how things are and how they should be. Our beliefs often have little or nothing to do with reality. It’s important to remember that every single time we suffer in a relationship it’s because we’ve made a judgment. We’ve looked at some situation and decided it shouldn’t be the way it is. We judge that it should be our way instead.

Joe gives Sally a compliment. Even if she had to ask for it, can she know for sure that he didn’t mean it when he finally was reminded to notice? If she thinks it’s insincere does she know for sure that he sees life the way she does and what’s obvious to her is also obvious to him?

If you notice yourself suffering emotionally in any way, in any circumstance, there’s a simple solution. Just ask yourself, “Am I sure I know how this should be?” If you get to the depths of that question – if you see that you probably don’t absolutely know how the universe should be working or what it means when your guy or gal doesn’t do or say what you want or expect, you’ll notice your emotional hurt disappears. It disappears because it was only based on your resistance to life as it is. No more resistance and Voila! no more pain.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

163. Blame is gone when you realize "I'm responsible for all my feelings"

The "he said/she said" game is pretty common when it comes to dissension and disagreement in dating relationships. It’s a pretty easy scene to fall into. Some problem comes up and an argument starts. Often within a few minutes someone says, “Well, you started it when you said….” Then the other says something like, “Yes, but before that you said….” And the blaming begins.

But have you ever considered that blaming can only occur when we feel the other person is responsible for our feelings? As soon as we judge the other person and think it’s their fault that we’re unhappy, we’re doomed to fail in any communication. When I see clearly that only I can choose my feelings the whole picture regarding my date or partner changes. Without judgment and blame I don’t need to be hurt or angry with you at all because you’re just being who you are, and it has nothing to do with me.

I may see that you’re very different from me and therefore we shouldn’t spend time together, and that’s no problem. Oh sure, there may be some disappointment initially because you thought this was a person you’d enjoy. But there’s no sense of retribution, no sense that you hurt me, no sense of dislike for you. Just the recognition that we’re different. And what’s wrong with that?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

162. Her will power was no match for her insecurity

Recently I heard a dating story that reminded me again how easy it is for the ego center in all of us to create self-imposed suffering. My friend Melissa told me this story about herself. She was going out of town for a few days with a friend she was dating. In the past when she was with Harley some old insecurity feelings had gotten triggered in her and she reacted in ways she later regretted. Sometimes the trigger was jealousy. Sometimes it was a feeling of unworthiness. But it got triggered. This time she was determined that wasn’t going to happen. Her will power was strong and she wasn’t going to fall into the old pattern again she told herself.

Well… she did. You may have had the same experience. With all the will power we can muster we’re determined not to be hurt or jealous or angry at a date or partner. We’re determined not to get triggered into hurtful, childish reactions. But it happens anyway. And as we look at our lives we can see that will power has never worked. If it had we wouldn’t still be dealing with the same issues at this mature stage of life.

When you investigate how life really works you realize it’s only the ego, that strong sense of personal identity, that could ever think it had will power. And the very idea of will power strengthens that ego and puts it on high alert. It’s going to make sure your will power succeeds so it’s watching closely to make sure you don’t fall into your old hurts again. In effect it’s the ego saying, “I’m going to make sure your ego doesn’t get triggered.” We’re asking the ego to police itself. That’s like giving the thief a police badge and assigning him to find the thief. The very insecurity that caused Melissa to gather all her will power was the same insecurity that caused her ego sense to be hurt in the first place.

At the beginning of their trip naturally Melissa’s insecure ego watched closely every move Harley made. Of course, she quickly found ways that he didn’t measure up because she was the one who had set the standards – in her own mind, of course.

The first afternoon and evening they were together Melissa found that Harley wasn’t attentive to her in the way she expected. She didn’t react though and she felt her will power was working. But the next day when again she wasn’t given the attention she expected the pile of hurts got too big and her disappointment and anger erupted. That’s not really surprising is it?

Since will power and brute force doesn’t work in keeping ourselves peaceful in a relationship, what does? My experience shows me that what’s needed is exactly the opposite of will power. It’s what the sages and saints have been pointing to for years. Will power is all aimed outside of us, watching others closely and fighting our urge to react.

But the opposite of turning “out there” for answers is to turn inward instead. The problem is never what happens. It’s our assessment and judgment of what happens, based of course on our ego center. When Melissa felt she wasn’t getting enough attention, instead of judging Harley and shoving her negative feelings down, she might have asked herself, “Is my idea of the attention I want what should actually be happening? And after all, who is this me who thinks it’s so wise that it has all the answers?”

Reality always rules. It’s what is, and you can’t ever successfully change what is. Melissa’s idea was what she wanted and didn’t have a thing to do with what is, she later recognized. At that time, reality was that Harley was living his life according to Harley, not according to Melissa. Should he have been living it her way, which by the way she had expected him to get through reading her mind? Or should Harley just behave as he was? Since reality always rules, the answer is pretty simple. Without her judgmental story Melissa would have had no suffering and no problem. Who created the hurt for Melissa? Was it Harley? Or was it the story Melissa told herself about what Harley should be doing that he wasn’t?

If you feel your will power could ever make life work for you, I invite you to look to your own experience. Has it ever really worked? If not, maybe it’s time for a new approach. Maybe you could look inside instead, at the judgments you make. Maybe you could wonder at whether your way is the right way. Is it possible the Intelligent Energy that powers and exists as everything knows what it’s doing?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

161. Since no one can hurt your feelings where’s the risk in mature dating?

If you’ve been aware of the news in recent weeks you’ve probably seen stories about the degrading comments Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell have been slinging at each other. Each of these famous and supposedly successful people has been throwing verbal insults and degrading remarks at the other and apparently feeling hurt and angered by each other. Trump acts as though Rosie has cut him down so he has to defend himself by doing the same to her. Rosie retaliates. You may have seen these shenanigans and thought to yourself, as I did, “My god, how childish!”

Yet Rosie and Donald are really just playing out on the national stage what most people believe: that what others say about us can make us feel happy or hurt. But that’s a total lie. Actually we’re the only ones who can choose to be happy or hurt by either accepting or ignoring what anyone else says about us. In reality, no one can hurt us emotionally. Even if they wanted to they just don’t have that power because they can’t decide how we’re going to interpret their remarks.

When you really look at that deeply and see the truth of it, that realization can change the way you live. No longer are you then a victim of anyone else’s actions or words. You’re not vulnerable any more.

But if this is true why are people so easily hurt by what someone says? The only answer, apparently, is that we haven’t been taught to look at reality. We’ve been conditioned to the myth that other people can determine our feelings. But can they really? Does anyone have the key to your head so they can get inside and make you think you’ve been hurt? And don’t our feelings – any feelings – only materialize because of our thoughts?

Yet that fear that someone else can hurt us plays a powerful role, especially in dating relationships. And perhaps even more so in senior or mature dating because many at this later stage in life feel desperate about finding romance before it’s too late. We want romance yet we dread being hurt. But think about it: If you’ve really looked and you consequently have no concern that someone else can hurt your feelings you have a freedom you didn’t have before.

You no longer have to wait for a guy or gal to make the first move if you want to meet them or ask for a coffee date or a dance. The word “risk” doesn’t even need to be in your vocabulary any more. What risk is there if you know that no one can hurt you? If you ask someone for coffee or a dance and they say no aren’t you in the same place you’d be if you hadn’t asked? Who knows why they declined, it’s just what happened and without your story of why it’s not a problem.

Living without the fear that anyone can hurt you emotionally can totally change your life. But to recognize that truth, if you still feel I could hurt your feelings, you’re probably going to have to really look deep inside. With open, honest investigation you can see the reality of life not the lie most of us have lived by and suffered from. Then what’s left is a freedom and ease that’s always been there, you just had it covered over with a fairy tale.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

160. Dating differences aren’t a problem when you come from love not judgment

Differences are natural in any relationship, and in many cases people simply agree to disagree and it’s no problem. In a romantic relationship that becomes a little harder though. It’s not so easy to just see that we have a different view of something and then go home. Dating differences often affect us directly – when they involve the kind of recreation we’ll pursue or other ways we spend time together, for instance. We want our partner with us but we want what we want, not what they want. What do you do?

“Compromise” is the word that probably comes most readily to mind. One dictionary defines the word as: “An accommodation in which both sides make concessions.” “Negotiate” is another word, defined as, “Confer with another in order to come to terms or reach an agreement.” I sometimes have a problem with the word “compromise” because it often means giving in just to achieve peace and stop the arguing. In that case the one who gives in often feels resentment. They feel they lost something and they gave away their rights. It creates a separation and division in the relationship, even when the concession is subtle.

In negotiating, however, I like the idea of conferring with your partner because that involves caring and love. When you confer you’re not just automatically assuming that your way is best and should be followed. Instead you’re open to questioning and listening. You confer to really learn what your partner wants and then match that against your own wants. The result may be that you give in to what your date or partner wants but you don’t do it to achieve peace, thus feeling you lost. Instead, you concede and agree to your partner’s wants out of authentic love, not expecting something in return. It’s not barter, it’s an unconditional giving that carries no resentment with it.

One simple way some use to understand each other’s wants is for each person to state, on a scale of 1 to 10, how important the thing they want is. If my desire to have it my way is a 7 and my partner’s desire for her way is a 9 or 10 it may not be hard at all to simply say, “Gosh I see that this is really important to you, let’s do it your way.” Another way to handle things is for each person to simply pursue their own interests and activities sometimes. Jane wants to go to a movie one night and Chet isn’t interested. So she goes and he stays home. No judgment, no problem.

However it’s done, when we get our egos out of the way differences with our date can be handled without judgment and criticism if we recognize that they’re natural and not wrong. It’s also critical to realize that it’s not up to your partner or date to make you feel good. You may badly want Joe to attend the symphony with you, and though he doesn’t care for the symphony he may go because he cares about you. At other times, however, he may feel that it’s just not something he wants to do. Doesn’t he have that right as much as you have the right to want him with you? Can you really say he doesn’t love you because he doesn’t do what you want?

If the differences are extreme you may decide to stop dating a person. But that doesn’t mean he’s bad, just different. Whenever you feel that you’re right and your date is wrong your judgments are going to make you suffer. At that point you’re thinking your date should be something she’s not. That’s what judgment is – thinking something should be “my” way rather than the way it is. How do you know Margaret should be the way she is? The same way you know it should be raining on a rainy day – that’s simply what is. When the judgment is gone the suffering is gone. When your behavior springs from caring and love differences aren’t a problem.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer