268. Your insecurities can have you living in mature dating hell

The desire for security drives a lot of actions in life, and it sure shows up regularly in dating, especially in these mature or senior years. We want things pinned down. We want to know what’s going to happen next. We want things buttoned up and firmly fixed so we’ll know where we stand. We don’t want any painful surprises.

Veronica is a friend of mine who recently began seeing Chet, a man who had been divorced many years ago and has been alone since then. She told me she and Chet had been together three or four times and were getting along great. But apparently Chet was feeling uneasy. He called my friend and said he wanted to discuss some things that were important for him. He said he needed to know: Was she really invested in knowing him? How serious was she? Why didn’t she call him more often? What did she see their relationship looking like? He said he just wanted to know so he wouldn’t waste a lot of time and emotional energy on something that might not be going any place.

Chet’s concerns aren’t abnormal. But are they realistic? Would he really be able to feel secure if he had some answers? The truth is that life has no security, and we all know that when we examine it closely. You can have the most permanent, secure love relationship in the world and your partner gets killed in a traffic smashup. Or dies of cancer. Or finds someone new.

When we want security it’s because we think we have some control over life – our life. We want to prop it up and make sure it looks exactly the way we want it to look. But that’s a myth. There just ain’t no such thing, have you noticed? Life unfolds as it does and it doesn’t care a whit about our opinions and desires. Whatever this intelligent energy is that expresses itself through all the intricate functioning of our bodies and the planets is dictating the whole show.

We can watch it unfold in peace, and be in heaven. Or we can push and shove and try to control things and live in hell.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

267. Does body image keep you from dating freely and enjoying the experience?

If you’re just beginning to date again – or even if you’ve dated awhile now in your mature years - a major concern for you might be what you look like now that you’re older. You’ve got wrinkles and some sagging skin now. You don’t have the youthful look you did when you were dating earlier in life. You may have also gained some weight. People often have the feeling that they just wish they looked younger again, and they do everything possible to appear young.

That’s a stressful way to live, and if your concern with looks is always in the back of your mind when you’re with a date you’re probably not nearly as fluid and authentic as you’d be without those fears and beliefs.

There’s a simple way to dispel that worry; take a look at it and see what’s really true. If the story you’re telling yourself sounds like this: “I wish I looked younger.” Or “No one will be interested in me now that I’m older,” you can question those beliefs. Even the belief I’ve heard often, “Men only want younger women,” can be examined a bit. Is it true that men only want younger women? Is it true you’d be better off if you looked younger? Can you really, totally know that?

Reality is that everyone looks older as they get older. That’s the way the world works. And unless you have a fixed idea of what beauty or good looks is you can also see beauty and attractiveness in older people. Another reality is that it’s true, some men do want younger women. But do you know there are also women who want younger men? So what? Sometimes the sun shines and sometimes it’s cloudy too. That’s just the way of it, as a friend of mine says. Another reality is that every day seniors and mature daters strike up wonderful romantic relationships.

Remember, when we examine life closely we realize we don’t really know what’s best for us and we’re not running this show. If you’re supposed to be with a partner that’ll happen. If not it won’t, and your fears and thoughts about the why of it won’t make any difference, as they never have in the past.

Believing our self-doubting and inhibiting thoughts can make dating in these later years a stressful event. But without those false beliefs senior dating can also be a fascinating, unfolding mystery and a discovery of whole new worlds of love and caring.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

266. Communication usually isn’t the problem in dating relationships, judgment is

The inability to communicate is often cited as the problem between couples in relationships. Just because we’re in the mature stages of our lives doesn’t mean the ability to communicate with one another has improved. It only improves when people are willing to look at life realistically and be honest with themselves. Honesty often means we have to let go of our precious stories. We have to let go of being right and making the other person wrong.

We all know that a lot more than words are communicated when we’re speaking to each other. In romantic relationships that’s especially true because we know each other well enough to know what hurts the other, and sometimes we want to be hurtful.

However, when we’re not judging our partner we don’t need to hurt them in an effort to make them change. We don’t feel they’re responsible for our feelings so we’re not angry and trying to control them. When we’re enjoying a person for who they are as they are we usually communicate clearly. If we say, “Let’s go out to dinner,” that’s what we mean.

If we’re upset with our partner, though, and think they should be different, the words, “Let’s go out to dinner,” could be said with anger or that look of disgust we’re known for, and the meaning is clear: “You’re an idiot and the least you owe me is a nice dinner,” for example.

Communication is hardly ever the problem when two people really want to listen to each other and feel respect and care for each other. It may take us a few tries but we’ll almost certainly be able to eventually communicate what we mean and be understood.

So it’s not communication that’s the problem. It’s judgment that’s the problem. When we’re upset with our partner because we think they should be different we manipulate our communication to try to control them and make them do what we want. Our manipulation is unmistakable. It’s not honest communication and it never builds love.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

265. When you love yourself you can share with a partner, not need him

We hear all the time that we should love ourselves. Loving ourselves, we’re told, is our job and we can’t expect someone else to do it for us because they’re busy trying to love themselves. But what does it really mean to love ourselves? One of the ways we love ourselves is by realizing that we’re the ones deciding how life is (for us!). It isn’t about what life is dishing out but how we judge it – either good or bad for us. In article #264 I wrote about believing someone should want what they don’t want. In that belief and its naturally following expectation we’re hurting ourselves, not loving ourselves. We’re not seeing reality. We’re telling ourselves a lie, without realizing it.

Willingness to question thoughts and beliefs and see the truth takes us immediately to self-love. In this case we see specifically that who a person is and how they live is exclusively their business. When we don’t resist that by thinking they should be different we’re left with a feeling of ease and freedom – peace, or self-love.

We let the other person be who they are (as if we had a choice anyway) and we do whatever is apparent for us regarding them. In dating we may choose to be with the other person as she is or we may move on to someone else. But we don’t need to try to change them or fight them. If we move on it’s without judgment and anger toward them. After all, they’re being themselves, just as we’re doing.

That respect and love for the other person is also love for us: We’re no longer feeding ourselves a story that isn’t true and making ourselves miserable. Instead we’re just observing the way things are. Seeing the way life is rather than judging that it should be different is the primary way we love ourselves. “Seeing”, with no need to modify, alter or change anything, always feels peaceful, content and satisfying. We’re quietly and simply in love with life as it is.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

264. She suffered because she thought her friend should want what he didn’t want

It’s so easy – and we’re so conditioned – to think that if we can just get circumstances to change we’ll be happier. But no matter how upset we get, that’s nearly always hopeless because life is what it is. For example, today I was talking with a woman who had asked for help in sorting out some painful things in her life. I had suggested she try using the method called The Work that was introduced by Byron Katie (www.TheWork.com).

This woman, that I’ll call Kathryn, had written that she felt hurt and angry because a man she had a relationship with only wanted sex from her. She thought he should respect and honor her by wanting more than just sex.

Questioning those thoughts and beliefs helped her get some clarity. When I asked her if it was true he should be different from the way he was she was quite quickly able to see that it wasn’t true. He should be who he is, just as she is who she is. How could he want what he doesn’t want? Kathryn thought she was suffering because this guy wanted only sex from her. But as she unraveled the truth, with the help of some questions, she was able to see that her suffering really was because she thought this man should be different. It wasn't about him after all, it was about her.

When I asked how she felt when she held to the belief that he should want something he doesn’t want her answer was that she felt demeaned, and that gave her a stomach ache. Asked how she felt without that belief her answer was: Peaceful. Any time we suffer emotionally it’s only because we’re resisting what is. It could only be that, because just observing reality without a judgment can’t have any pain in it. It’s when we think it should be our way rather than the way it is that we hurt.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

263. Loneliness doesn’t exist except as a thought we believe in

Single seniors and mature men and women often feel lonely. It feels like we’re lonely because we have no partner in our lives. We think if the external world would change and give us a partner we wouldn’t need to feel lonely any more. But the external world is all our own projection. It’s like a mirror. You can’t look into a mirror without seeing your own reflection. It’s impossible.

In exactly the same way you can’t look into the world without seeing your own reflection because you project onto the world what your thoughts are about it. Two people can listen to the same music and one likes it, the other dislikes it. Obviously the music was just a fact. Our perception and projection is what makes it good or bad for us.

Back to loneliness, if we think we should be with someone we’re lonely. If we don’t think that’s necessary we’re not lonely. It’s all about believing our thoughts, and that’s where inquiry comes in. When you look at reality you see that you don’t have a partner. Should you? Do you know more than God? Obviously right now you don’t need a partner or you’d have one. Are you absolutely sure you should have a partner and that you wouldn’t be lonely if you did? In my first marriage I was lonely, and I’m not the only one who has experienced loneliness while having a partner.

There are more than six billion people on this planet. Is loneliness really a problem or is it just thinking that’s the problem? You can argue with “what is” but you can’t win. You can’t even be sure you’d be better off if you did win!

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

262. This one, primary desire is the heart of all suffering – in dating and in life

When you’re seeking a mate, and dating, you know before you start that there’s a risk involved. The risk is that you could wind up with a broken heart. We want not to be hurt. But the primary desire everyone has – the desire that causes all the psychological suffering there ever was or could be – is the desire to have the world be the way we want it to be rather than simply seeing it the way it is.

You don’t need to ponder this idea and wonder if you could believe it or not. All you have to do is look at your own direct experience. Isn’t it true that every time you hurt emotionally it’s because you think something or someone should be different? Judgment is another word for it. We judge – this is wrong, this is bad, this shouldn’t be. Without judging where can suffering exist? It can’t.

So the question is how you get rid of that primary desire to have the world be the way you want it rather than the way it is. If we narrow our focus down to mature dating we’ve all been around long enough to see that what was a broken heart often turned out to be a blessing in disguise. What we knew with certainty at that time, we later realized we didn’t know at all. Wiping out emotional suffering is always a matter of questioning: Do we really know it shouldn’t be the way it is? Could we just allow ourselves to watch life rather than think we should run it?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

261. When one myth about mature dating drops a whole host of others drop with it

What happens in dating is the only thing that could happen because that’s what did happen. There’s one operating principle (many call it God) in this world so how could it make a mistake? We can’t have a problem with dating and relationships unless we believe our thoughts about them. This morning I was talking with a woman about these ideas and she said, “I just keep repeating these dumb mistakes.” I asked her, “Can you really know what you did was a mistake in the big scheme of the world?” After pondering the question a bit she said, “No, I don’t really know that.”

She had believed her thought that some action she took was a mistake, and along with that came her judgment that it was dumb. But when “mistake” goes do you notice that “dumb” goes with it? “Mistake” was never real so it can’t stand up to scrutiny and serious questioning. And “dumb” was also just a myth tied to the first myth. When one goes the other goes… and that’s not even true. They don’t actually go because they were never there in the first place. It was all illusion.

That’s how the mind works; it appears to make real something that was never real in the first place, such as a statement like, “I should have a partner.” With that come thoughts like, “There must be something wrong with me.” “I have to find ways to be more attractive.” “If I just put on a happier face maybe then I’d find a partner.” Each statement is like the judgment “dumb” above. It’s the fantasy child of a fantasy woman, the first belief: “I should have a partner.”

The way you know you don’t need a partner right now is that you don’t have one. Tomorrow you may have a partner but in this very moment what you have is what you have, and fighting it is creating a war with reality that you’ll always lose. Without that war you just have life, as it is, which is totally satisfying once we give up the idea that it should be our way rather than the way it is.

Sometimes people ask me, “Does that mean I shouldn’t put my profile in the personals to find dates and a partner?” The answer is no, you simply do what you’re moved to do as part of the functioning of the world, but without needing a particular result. The joy is in the happening in the moment. You simply enjoy the process, watching the mystery of life unfold and realizing that you’re part of the unfolding along with everything else. No one ever put us in charge; we just thought so.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer