291. When we let thoughts pass dating is easy and problem-free

You probably know that old saying you hear in the bible, “It came to pass.” Well, that’s what thoughts do. They come to pass. That’s their nature. And if you notice that happens sometimes in split seconds, sometimes a bit longer. But every single thought passes very quickly. When they seem to stick around it’s because we’ve nursed them and fed them. Then they build, one on top of the other. You know how it works in dating: “He didn’t call; he should have called; why didn’t he call; maybe he doesn’t care; that’s awfully rude of him; that’s how it always works for me; initially I attract a guy then he gets to know me and disappears.”

Each thought comes to pass quite quickly but it seems to birth another thought, and another and another. It happens because we put the energy of belief into the original thought. But thoughts just show up. They’re not personal. They don’t mean anything. Every thought is recycled; it’s been thought millions of times by others. If we put no belief into a thought it just passes on. It can’t live without energy so it disappears into the Silence and Stillness it came from.

If you want to live happily, simply be in harmony with life as it is. Thoughts will appear and then disappear as another thought replaces it in an instant. But give the thought energy and it builds on itself, one thought at a time until you’ve got a thought-bundle that’s huge and seems so real and believable. Yet it’s all built on myth because the truth is we don’t know why things happen or what will happen next.

Meanwhile all those thoughts we hold on to block the joy and pure simplicity of this moment. How does it feel while you watch a beautiful sunset on a glorious evening while holding the thought, “I wish she were here to enjoy this with me.” Do you notice how that thought, and only that thought, ruins the natural joy of just being?

The entire universe operates perfectly and has for eternity. Why not let it be and live joyfully, trusting Life just as it is? The alternative isn’t much fun and never works because we have no influence anyway.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

290. There can’t be happy dating without hurtful dating -- until we stop judging and comparing

We live in a world of twos – duality. It couldn’t be any other way. There can’t be up without down, joy without sorrow, peace without stress. We couldn’t say anything about an object if there was nothing to compare it to because, in effect, it wouldn’t exist. If there was tree, for example, and there wasn’t something you could call “not tree” then everything would be tree and we wouldn’t know tree at all. In fact, without something separate from tree there couldn’t even be space or a human to live in it.

So duality is a given in the world. The emotional pain in dating life comes when we take sides in the duality. This is better than that. Taking sides and judging is what the mind does best. It’s always making a comparison and judging: This should be and that should not be.

But let’s look at the belief we have that causes us to suffer so much. Are we really so certain of what should be? We’ve learned from other people that certain things should happen but do we know for sure? I’ll bet you can think of times when you’ve been so very certain and then later changed your mind. Maybe a relationship ended and you were so certain this was absolutely the right person for you, and you were crushed. Months or years later you say, “I’m so glad that ended. If it hadn’t I wouldn’t have met my true love” or “…I see now that I’d have been miserable,” etc.

Yet even with the proof of personal experience, showing us without doubt that our “certainty” was a sham, we still seem so certain that things should be our way rather than the way they are. Mary was rude to you. Tim stood you up. Harry took advantage of you. Gerry lied. None of them should be that way, we say.

But when you don’t argue with reality you see that Mary, Tim, Harry, and Gerry were being who they were. There have to be some liars and rude people so there can be honest and well-mannered people. One couldn’t exist without the other and who is to say we shouldn’t connect with some of them? You shouldn’t get a flat tire or cancer either but it happens. That’s reality.

Life is and it shows up as everything, including people we think are right and wrong. With clarity – seeing life as it actually is – we don’t need to compare one thing with another, and then judge how things should be in our dating life. When we witness the happening of our dating with interest and curiosity, and without an opinion, dating is peaceful and fun. Remember what Jesus said? “The kingdom of heaven is within you!” In their own words every sage has said the same thing.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

289. Of the two ways to go about dating and mating one is peaceful, the other painful

Life is the way it is. Have you noticed? No matter what we think about weather disasters, disease, war, or famine life just is. It’s the same with dating. We may think we deserve a mate because we have a lot of love to give. (I’ve heard that a lot in my 12 years of dating and I’ll bet you have too.) We may think we have control. But with some looking we see that we don’t.

Life didn’t ask our opinion about how tall we’d be, the color of our eyes, whether we kept our hair or not, or what talents we’d be born with. Life doesn’t need us to breathe or blink or beat our hearts in rhythm. Life just does it. In the same way, Life doesn’t give us a choice about the thoughts we have. They come out of the Void and silently slip back into that Void.

Our dating in these mature years will be just what it is. There are two approaches we can take to it, however, that will make the entire difference between whether we’re happy or not. One is to believe thoughts that may come saying we should have control... and argue, be bitter, disappointed or in despair because we have no partner. The other is to watch what naturally happens, including dating and our thoughts about it, and just enjoy the process. There’s always joy in watching the beautiful mystery of Life unfurl as it does, but it’s more subtle than we may be used to.

We’re used to excitement, activity, going and doing. But have you noticed that all the noise and movement appears on the background of stillness and silence? When the activity stops what’s left is stillness. When the noise stops what’s left is silence. In that stillness and silence there’s never turmoil, only a quiet contentment, a causeless joy. From that place we can watch all that appears, including thoughts such as “I need a partner to be happy.” We can notice that everything is simply an appearance that comes and goes. The Mystery is delightful when we see it just the way it is!

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer