18. "What is" rules; "should be" is only fantasy

One test of reality is what the Ancients have used over the centuries. What’s real, they say, is just “what is”. Or another way to say it is that facts are real. When we add our interpretation to those facts, though, we’ve got a whole different issue. Now we’ve got a story of our own making instead of reality. The fact has been covered over with our story, and most of the time that story is painful to us.

Yet many beliefs we’ve learned over the years don’t seem like a story. They appear to be real. For example: You’ve dated a woman several times and now she won’t return your emails or phone calls. You say to yourself, I was kind to her, we seemed to have a good time together and now she’s ignoring me. She should at least be kind enough to tell me what’s going on. I don’t deserve to be treated like this.

That seems pretty real doesn’t it? Most people would no doubt agree with you. But let’s take that apart a bit for a better look. Stripped to basics what’s the fact? The fact is the woman won’t respond to you. No story there, that’s just the way it is. If you had no interpretation or judgment about that it wouldn’t cause any pain. But when we add the judgment, “It should be different we hurt. That's because we're trying to make our dream real. Dreams are never real.

Everyone knows a woman should treat a decent man with respect don’t they? But is that belief valid when you shove it up against reality? No. What’s true is that women treat men like that sometimes don’t they? Maybe we’ve even done something similar ourselves. She isn’t returning your calls. That’s the way it is.

Forget what we think is supposed to happen. “What is always rules. “But,” you could argue, “just because it is doesn’t mean it should be.” But wait a minute. Can you really change what already is? It may change in the next minute, but right now it’s the way it is. Period. And since we’re not running this universe how can we say we know more than God (Intelligence Energy) about how things should be? Maybe it’s simpler to see that all happens as it does and drop our certainty that we’re right. If we do, what do we feel? Usually a whole lot of peace. Maybe that’s a sign that we’d be wiser to float with the river rather than trying to swim upstream. After all, if the woman is supposed to return your call it’ll happen. Don’t fret, don’t judge, just BE.

17. "Why should I be punished? I didn’t do anything wrong!"

It’s so easy to make ourselves victims. How do we do it? By one thing only: Our thoughts. We think we’re a victim just because we told ourselves that. Maryanne is a woman I know who’s been single about a dozen years since the death of her husband after a long marriage. She’s bright and articulate and she feels vulnerable and gets hurt easily in her dating life. She’d been dating Hank at times for a couple of years. They were both part of the same church and both participated in a number of church retreats for mature singles. She told me Hank had wanted to be just good friends and that she wanted more. Maybe she was pushing, but one day Hank made it very clear he wanted no romance. She was devastated.

Maryanne sent me an email describing her deep hurt and her dilemma. The dilemma was this: Since they were both active in regional weekend retreats for singles she knew she’d see him at these functions. If she saw him she’d feel hurt and sad. When I suggested she stop attending them for awhile she said, “Why should I be punished when I didn’t do anything wrong?” The obvious implication is that Hank did something wrong.

Yet from everything she had told me Hank had just been honest with her. She felt victimized, however, as though he should have wanted to commit to her. Any time we find ourselves using words like should or ought or wrong and similar words we know we’ve made a judgment. At those times we think we know how people should be and what they ought to do. We’ve forgotten that our view is a fantasy. What’s real and true is that “what is” is. You can’t argue with that reality and call yourself sane.

Maryanne's judgments were causing her a lot of unnecessary pain. When she said she shouldn’t be punished by skipping these meetings you’d think someone else was imposing that restriction on her. But who? She herself made up the idea that not going to the meetings would be punishment, as though Hank had set it up. But all Hank did was to be honest and tell her he didn’t want a romance.

How could she have gotten past her pain? By asking herself a few simple questions: Is it true Hank did something wrong? Was he punishing me? Is it true he should want a relationship with me? Honest answers would be no. How do you know that? Because what happened is real. That’s the end of the story. We get stuck in old belief patterns that aren’t true and we don’t realize it. And how do we feel when we believe these lies? We have a lot of pain. When we see the truth, on the other hand, we can feel a lot more peaceful. The emotional hurt is a ringing bell that says, your thinking is off track. Simple investigation through questioning puts you back on track and back to peace again.

16. Red flags are flying; ignore them at your peril

Single seniors often feel the clock is running out on them. If they don’t find a romance soon it’ll be too late, they think. In my years of dating I’ve heard a number of women say, “Men want attractive women and I’m getting wrinkles; I don’t look as trim as I used to either.” They worry that they won’t be desirable. Some say they have an ache to be held and cherished and they think they need to have that to be happy. “I have so much love to give,” they say.

As a result, many older singles submerge their real nature, hoping that by giving in they’ll find the love they want. One way they do this is by not allowing themselves to see the red flags that signal “this isn’t the right person for me.” I’ve asked some people who have been in bad relationships later in life, “Did you see any red flags earlier or were you suddenly surprised when you got hit with reality?” Virtually every time the answer is, “Oh, there were lots of flags; I just didn’t want to see them.” They saw the picture they wanted to see, not the picture that was really there.

Marge was a woman I knew some years ago. She had been an opera singer in a large city, and now was a nurse. She had finally divorced her second husband after years in a marriage that was what she described as dull and lifeless. Her second husband wasn’t a bad guy at all, but they had nothing in common.

She loved beautiful music, read widely and wanted stimulating intellectual conversation. He was interested in beer and watching ball games. She later realized that she was hungry for nurturing and security when she met him and they had good sex in common. But that’s all. When I asked if she’d seen any red flags before they married she admitted they were flying all over the place. She chose to ignore them and spent many unhappy years with him. She has since met another man and is in a really happy marriage.

I have a friend, Carl, who met a woman about five years ago who was described to me as drop-dead gorgeous. Carl was star-struck. He used to tell me that she loved him so much she didn’t want him out of her sight. “Red flag” was the image that popped up in my mind, but apparently not his. Some months later they married and I lost track of Carl.

About two years later he was in touch again. The marriage had ended and he was bitter and disappointed. “My gosh,” he said, “I’m almost 60 years old. I should have known she was insanely jealous. It was so obvious when I look back. She was beautiful and I think I let that take over. Besides that, she wanted to be with me all the time and that felt good,” he was honest enough to say. During the year before Carl met this woman he had told me several times, “I’ve been single now for six years and I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.” I think his quiet desperation fogged his vision.

In both cases these people were expecting someone else to make them happy. And when they met someone who was attentive to them they felt “this is the one.” What they apparently didn’t realize is that no one can make us happy. If we want love that has to come from us.

When we try to make others responsible for the love we long to feel we have a full time job making sure they stay in our lives the way we need them to be. We control and manipulate because we haven’t learned that we can just give ourselves what we expect them to give us. How do we do that? By stopping the frantic chase and just being ourselves for awhile. Instead of letting our thoughts tell us we need someone, we simply let those thoughts pass by while we enjoy this moment, just as it is. And in that authenticity we might be surprised to find that we attract the opposite sex because we’re so at ease with ourselves and we don’t put any pressure on them. Just Being isn’t a bad place to be!

15. Stop the “when-then” game and be happy now

Almost everyone is on a quest for something, virtually all the time. In either a subtle or gross way people usually are looking for something “over there” which also means “then”. It’s the when-then game – when I get that then I’ll be happy. Watch – really watch – your own thoughts and you might notice that’s true for you.

And then it happens, sure enough, we do get what we wanted and we are happier – for a little while. But the feeling doesn’t last very long. Then we’re back to the next when-then game.

We get the new TV and it’s wonderful, for a few days or a few hours. If it was really true that the new TV made us happy wouldn’t we be happy as long as we owned it and it was working? But we’re not. Why? Because it wasn’t the TV that made us happy. What was it then? Well, here’s a thought that might surprise you, it surprised me. We’re not happy because we got the thing we wanted. No. We’re happy because for a short time the seeking has stopped and there’s peace. It’s the natural peace that we “are” as beings when we’re not trying to control life. There’s no straining for something, no stress in always trying to get somewhere we’re not. The effort and striving is over. What a relief!

But then the mind wants more excitement and jumps in with another desire, and we’re back on the race track again. We’re like a mouse on a wheel. I’m not asking you to believe this, by the way, check it out. Look at your own experience next time you get what you wanted and see if there isn’t a relief from the struggle to attain for just a short time.

Finding love and relationship is one of the big things many older singles seek. It’s natural it seems for us to want a relationship in our later years, when the kids are gone and we’re alone. Many of us have had long marriages and we’re used to having a partner and want that again. So the search is on.

What we don’t notice, however, is that we’re usually so busy seeking appreciation and love that we don’t stop long enough to see the love that’s already here. That love is just the pure love of being, just as we are and with the world as it is. Somewhere about the age of two or so we picked up the idea that “I” am running “my” life. It’s been reinforced and conditioned in us ever since. So the idea of “me” has a long history.

But if we really devote ourselves to a little self-discovery we find that no matter how much we look, we can’t actually find a place in us that we can call “me”. We have a brain we know. We can find that. But where is this thing called me? It’s just an idea. When you really look you’ll notice there is no “you” that control “your” life. You don’t breathe yourself, you don’t beat your heart. You don’t grow your hair, digest your food and grow yourself into an adult from childhood. If we controlled our bodies would a lot of people choose to be older, or sick? If you controlled your thinking would you have unhappy thoughts?

Obviously, the control isn’t in our hands. Yet we get upset when life doesn’t go “our” way, without realizing that the “person” we think we are is just part of the landscape. So if there’s no “me” seeking a better life, what would be left? Instead of seeking and striving there would just be peace and contentment wouldn’t there? A spiritual teacher from Australia, “Sailor” Bob Adamson, has a book titled, What’s Wrong With Right Now – Unless You Think About It?

What he’s saying is that thinking always has to do with past or future. When we’re in the place people call “lost in thought” we’re really not thinking at all. We’re just being. Thinking always changes, and our emotions surge and wane accordingly. But being is just seeing that life flows through us by some unknown power, just as it flows through everything else we call nature. Seeing that, we can relax and just let it be. When a relationship happens, it happens. That’s all there is, folks!

14. You’re not responsible for “their” feelings

Many people have the misguided idea that they emotionally hurt other people. The reality is that we simply don’t have that kind of power. If people feel hurt by someone, they’ve chosen that feeling. Consider it this way. If someone you don’t like says something derogatory about you, you really don’t care much do you? On the other hand, if someone close says the same thing it could hurt a lot. But if it did, the hurt would be because you let those remarks in and chose to believe something about them or the author of the words.

Or look at it another way. Let’s say someone said something “bad” about you yesterday. You didn’t hear it then and you’re not affected by it at all. Then today you hear what they said and you’re devastated. If what they said was hurtful it would have hurt when they said it wouldn’t it? Doesn’t it take your hearing and interpretation of it before it hurts? If you interpreted the remark as a non-event it would just float by wouldn’t it?

Somehow, we’ve gotten the idea that we have power over other people’s feelings. With that belief comes also the belief that they have power over our feelings. Then we’re left with this: If they do what we want we can be happy. If they don’t we’ll hurt. The logical conclusion then is that we have to make people change so we can be happy. That’s a pretty big and insane job don’t you think? I’ve found it’s a lot easier to just see that life plays out its game and when we try to insist on the game being played our way we’re miserable. Let it go its own way and we’re naturally happy. And in the end if we say something, and someone is hurt, that may be their wakeup call to take a closer look at the reality of life.

13. You may manipulate and hardly know it, but the price is high

Most of us don’t think we’re manipulators when it comes to dating. But often manipulation happens in subtle ways, and it happens a lot I’ve noticed. What is manipulation, exactly? Two of the Houghton Mifflin Dictionary definitions for the word are:

1. To influence or manage shrewdly or deviously.
2. To tamper with or falsify for personal gain.

Wow, those sound pretty sinister don’t they? But in large or small ways you might notice that especially in the dating game there’s a lot "trying to influence... for personal gain." And it all comes about due to a false belief you could state in three words: “I need something.” So let’s explore that a bit deeper.

Debra, a 60-something friend of mine told me she recently went out with a guy to a fancy dinner and to the musical performance. She said something in her gut didn’t feel right about the date the whole week before. She felt she was being manipulated. Here was a man she didn’t know well at all, who was trying hard to impress her, she felt. This was “putting on the dog” in her mind.

Another friend, Kathryn, met a man who asked her out to a movie. During the movie he asked if he could hold her hand. She didn’t really want to but gave in because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, she said.

Debra later told me she knew all week beforehand that she should have canceled the date to the opera. The price she paid was feeling exploited and maneuvered during the whole evening. The man trying so hard to make an impression did. It was just the wrong impression.

In Kathryn’s case she wanted her date to feel she was a nice person. So she held his hand even though she didn’t feel close to him. She didn’t feel good about it, but allowing hand-holding did feel better to her than to risk being considered rude. (Subtly managing the situation for personal gain - to get approval.)

In gross or subtle ways we often do things to manipulate others. Usually the intention is to gain by getting approval of some kind - appreciation, love... something. When you really look, you may find that much of your life has been spent trying to get approval and appreciation. I have a friend who was staying in her son’s home with her teenage granddaughter while her son and his wife were on a vacation. She was having a really hard time sticking to rules for the teenager who wanted to push Grandma. My friend later admitted that she didn’t want her granddaughter to be upset with her. Bingo! There it is again, that need for approval. And the manipulation? Letting Granddaughter bend the rules just a little.

The point is this: Manipulation and deceit is never necessary. Tampering with a situation to make it appear better takes a lot of energy and usually makes us miserable. What's the purpose? Is it true that we need the approval of other people? What’s the worst that would happen if we didn’t get it? It's only our conditioned beliefs and thoughts that cause us to think we “need” someone to appreciate or approve of us. What’s the reality? Would we survive without it? If Kathryn had told her date, “No, I’m really not comfortable holding hands right now,” she wouldn’t have felt the stress of doing something unpleasant for her. And her date would have gotten an honest response to his overtures.

The dates that Debra and Kathryn had weren’t a lot of fun for them. They were wary because their dates obviously wanted something from them. Maybe it was more closeness, maybe sex, it doesn’t matter. These women didn’t follow the truth within them and they paid a price. If you catch yourself subtly misleading or deceiving someone – even smiling when it feels false – you might ask yourself this question: What do I think I need that makes me want to manipulate this situation? Your answer might be: “I think I need love.” Or “I want her to think I’m a good person” for instance. Then ask yourself: Is my belief true or is it just a thought? Do I really need what I think I need? You might find being authentic and honest with yourself and your date gives you a freedom you haven’t known, and a more peaceful, happier dating life. If you don't get approval from some, that's life.

12. A clue: All emotional suffering is from thought

Do not seek the truth.
Only cease to cherish opinions.
- Sang-Tsan

Throughout history the Ancients have seen that the reality of life is that the world is what it is. It rolled along on its own long before we ever arrived, and will continue long after we’re gone. Yet we come along and think we know how it should be: My grandkids don’t come over often enough. The woman I’m dating works too many hours. He drinks too much. She’s too much of a flirt. And on and on it goes.

What I like about authentic teachers is that they don’t ask you to believe them. Instead, they say check it out for yourself. Have a good look. Does your opinion about how things should be really have an effect? Do we really know how it should be? Would it be kinder to let others be who they are? That doesn’t mean we have to be with them, but we also don’t have to try to change them. That’s not our job, and it’s controlling and manipulative.

We say, “Don drinks too much.” Is that true? Isn’t that like saying the sun shines too bright, or the sky is too blue? What’s the truth? The sun is as bright as it is, isn’t it? And the sky is as blue as it’s supposed to be, obviously. That’s it. Also Don drinks as much as he does. Without your opinion you just see the facts don’t you? That doesn’t mean you don’t help Don if he wants help and you’re moved to do so. But the results of that help are not your business.

Do we really know that if things were the way we thought they should be they’d be better? I think we’ve all had times in life where we’ve said, “Wow, that was a real blessing in disguise.” Other times we see no benefit for a certain happening. But do we really know even then?

In short, can we know more than God, or whatever you want to call that Intelligence-energy that is the One Source from which all things arise? Our thoughts aren’t a problem. After all, what created those thoughts of rejection and disagreement that you might have? Did you? Or are they just thoughts, meant to disappear into the same source they came from, like a cloud in the sky? All we need to notice is that they’re part of the happening of the world, always changing. We just don’t need to be attached to them as “mine”.

11. "Where there's no jealousy there's no passion." - What???

Ginny was set to perform in a local amateur variety show. The show ran for a week. She was proud of her talent and looking forward to her performances. My friend Roy had dated Ginny for a couple of months, and naturally was sharing her enthusiasm. One evening she told him about other friends she had invited to see the performance; several of whom were men she knew.

Roy expressed delight for her that she could share this proud experience in her life with friends who would also come to see her perform. But her reaction surprised him. There was a long silence, he told me, and he knew something was wrong. Ginny finally said, “Did you hear me that two of the people who are coming to see me this week are single men I know?” When Roy said yes he understood that, she responded with scorn, “Roy, where there is no jealousy there’s no passion,” she said. Further discussion revealed that she was hurt because he was feeling no jealousy. To her, jealousy would have been proof of his interest in her. Roy didn’t continue to date her long after that.

He later told me, “I just don’t live in that world. Why would I be jealous when I know it makes her proud to have friends come and see her sing?” Of course, her jealousy was a turn off to him. “I’m not interested in someone who clings to me and thinks she owns me,” he said. “If there can’t be freedom to have friends of either sex that’s not the kind of relationship I want.”

Realationships aren't ownership

The whole incident reminded me of how we’ve been conditioned in our society. Especially in the years when we were young, it seems to me, there was a real emphasis on exclusivity and ownership in relationships. Maybe it’s still that way for most of society, I don’t know. That jealousy is supposed to pass as love I guess: The more jealous you are, the more you love me.

To me, that’s a business contract: I’ll do this for you IF you do this for me. I’ll love you IF you don’t talk to other men. I once invited Theresa, a woman I was dating at the time, to a dance where there were large, round tables that seated four couples. We didn’t know any of the couples but talked to them at the table during the evening. Later in the evening Theresa went to the restroom, and it happened that the husband of a woman sitting near me was also gone for a few minutes.

Music for the dance was a big band orchestra and they began playing a great Glen Miller tune; we both said it was the perfect dance song and decided to dance it together since neither of us had a partner at the moment. There was nothing more than just a dance, a chance to enjoy the music. But when I got back to the table Theresa had returned and was clearly upset. When I asked her about it she said how rude she thought it was that I’d dance with another woman when she was there as my date.

I was surprised. When you really care for someone don’t you want for them what they want? With a little investigation into her own thoughts, Theresa might have realized that instead of falling into the old, conditioned response of jealousy, her reaction might have been different. Maybe she could have noticed I was having fun, and simply delighted in that. When I returned to the table she might have shared in the joy rather than wishing I’d sat alone at the table while a great dance piece played. Would you guess her reaction drew me closer to her? It’s like saying, “I’ll get mad at him/her so they won’t do THAT again! Boy, that’ll make them want to be with me.” Oh, really?

10. You’re impressive… or are you?

Have you ever been with someone who’s working hard to impress you? It’s so obvious. I know a woman like that. Jane is in her 50’s, bright, articulate, single… and lonely. When she’s in a group, especially around men, she struggles to be funny and clever and noticed. Clearly she’s putting out a lot of energy to be liked. When you’ve been with someone like that are you impressed? Does it ever work?

Yet, you may also be one who’s pretentious and posturing much of the time, especially around people in a dating situation. Maybe it’s just in subtle ways but you know you’re doing it when you notice how much energy it takes from you. You try to hold that phony smile in place, you try to use notable expressions.You avoid expressing an opinion that could conflict with someone else’s. You laugh when you don’t really want to and painstakingly keep your mask propped up.

Somehow we’ve grown up with the idea that to make a good impression we have to appear to be more than we are. It’s as if who we are isn’t good enough. We think they won’t like us and they won’t give us the approval we want if we don’t impress (press on) them with our value to them. We want them to walk away thinking that the fraud they met is who we really are.

It’s a lot of work. And for what? Why would we need to impress someone? We must think they have something we need: They can bestow or withhold approval. But is that really true?  The whole scene is really a sham. Is their approval or disapproval anything more than just an opinion they have? Does that mean you’re worthwhile or worthless?  No. Look at it this way: Two people listen to some music. One thinks it’s great, the other thinks it’s terrible. Is either right? No, the music is just the music. The same with you. Some like you, some don’t. But that has nothing to do with you. You’re just you.  

Even if we did succeed at getting approval by impressing someone, what did we really win? Well, we got someone who approves of our mask and costume. But they don’t know the person inside the costume. In short what we end up with is a lot of stress while we live the lie that we really do need someone else’s approval, and then the added stress of wearing our gussied up costume to get that approval.

And that’s not all. We’ve also got the long-term stress that every time in the future when we’re with that person, we have to wear the costume again. We have to keep it dusted off and looking glittery and gleaming all the time. Can it be done? Doubtful, very doubtful. Sooner or later your new friend will get to know who’s inside the costume. Will they then approve or disapprove? If they stay in your life that’s the way it is. If they leave, that too is the play of the Universe. If we see that reality of life suddenly our stressful “I need you to like me” game is ended. Life then is just about “being.” Wouldn’t dating be easier and more fun if you could just “be yourself” instead of having to “be someone better?”