298. Let the outcome of your dating be as it is and you’ll find joy in the adventure

When we feel heartache and disappointment in dating it’s always our own thoughts that cause us to hurt. But that’s hard to see. We’ve been conditioned to believe that it’s what someone else says or does that causes our emotional pain. We think it’s because they’ve deceived us or lied to us or rejected us that we’re hurting.

Karl Renz, a spiritual teacher from Germany, who shares his understanding with people in many European countries, says it this way: The mind itself creates the problems it struggles to solve.

“But how is it possible,” you might ask, “that our own minds create the hurt we feel, when we can prove, for instance, that our date or partner deceived us?” Obviously, we think, it’s their deceit that makes us hurt. But in reality their deceit doesn’t make us hurt. It’s only when we think they should not deceive us that we hurt. In other words, it’s our story or our belief about their action that makes us hurt, not the action itself.

So the mind creates our suffering by believing that “what is” should be different. Then the mind struggles to relieve the pain by trying to change the other person, make them wrong, etc.

As we date in these mature and senior years it’s natural there will be times when things don’t go the way we expected. Your date loses interest in you, or you find she’s not the person you thought she was. You might be lied to or cheated on. You may begin to see that your date is trying to control you. A woman I know was dating a man who wanted to marry her. He told her, “If we were together I’d still let you continue the volunteer work you now do.” Clearly, she knew that kind of control wouldn’t work for her.

These incidents may be disappointing or painful. But if they are it’s because we want life to go the way we think it should go rather than simply seeing that it always goes the way it goes. It’s always our own mind that creates our problems by resisting “what is”. Then the same mind tries to solve the problem that never existed except in our thought-story.

But without our stories we can see and accept that life is just what it is. We can begin to trust that what happens is meant to happen because the Energy that powers everything must know what it’s doing, even if it seems to our limited minds that it doesn’t. Then dating takes on a whole new look. It becomes an interesting exploration and adventure, a chance for new and exciting experiences. And we don’t have to own or worry about the outcome. Let the outcome take care of itself and just have fun living.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

297. See which way the wind blows with your dating and you can be happily content

Did you know that baby wolves in the far north live or die depending on the wind? Literally. I saw it on a nature program on TV the other night. (And you won’t believe how this ties into mature dating! ) Here’s how it works.

The wolves are born in the spring and nurse from their mothers until early summer. Then they need solid food, which for the wolves are the caribou that inhabit the same terrain. The problem is the baby wolves can’t travel far and if the caribou herds don’t travel near them there’s no food for the young ‘uns.

What causes the herds to travel in a certain direction? Mosquitoes, believe it or not. They’re so fierce in the summer months that the caribou herds travel into the wind to keep the mosquitoes away from their faces. So their direction of travel is determined by which way the wind blows. If that takes them away from the wolf dens there’s no food for the wolves and the young ones don’t survive.

So it’s a story that reads like this: Baby wolves can’t live without solid food after a couple of months. Why is there no solid food? Because there are no caribou. Why aren’t there caribou? Because the herds are moving in other areas. Why don’t the wolves follow them? Because the babies are too small. Why do the caribou travel in other directions? Because of swarms of mosquitoes. Why do mosquitoes dictate which way the caribou travel? Because caribou travel into the wind to keep mosquitoes away from their faces. Why does the wind blow in a certain direction? Who knows? If you were a meteorologist you could probably trace this back further but eventually you’d come to “I don’t know.”

Now, how the heck does this relate to mature dating? This way: I know from experience that a lot of seniors I’ve dated and know spend a lot of time in anguish, trying to figure out why something happened. They think if they can figure out why, they may be able to come up with a solution: “Oh, he didn’t call me after two dates. Why? I revealed too much about myself too soon. Obviously that was the wrong thing to do.” Solution: “Make sure I hold back and try to say only what I think men want to hear.” You get the idea I’m sure.

The point is this: The question “Why?” is wasted effort. Everything causes everything. In other words, you can try to trace any happening back to its cause and you’ll never find one. We could even get back to, “Why is there a world or a universe?” When you give up questioning why, you also give up the need to try to manipulate circumstances to control the outcome you want. So much effort and turmoil!

It’s much more natural in life and in dating to simply be an observer rather than a questioner. Life is the way it is. How can we know it shouldn’t be another way? It isn’t, that’s all. Should that guy have called again? No, because he didn’t. End of story. End of anguish and effort and suffering. Life obviously has other plans for you.

As that ancient Chinese spiritual text, the Hsin-hsin Ming (The Mind of Absolute Trust) says, “When one is free from attachment all things are as they are, and there is neither coming nor going. When in harmony with the nature of things, your own fundamental nature, you will walk freely and undisturbed.”

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

296. When we stop believing our thoughts dating can be another simple phase of life

Have you known people who get lost in their worries at times and just go deeper and deeper into pain and confusion? We sometimes hear people say they need to get hold of themselves. We can see their thoughts have taken them for a deeply painful ride.

It’s easy to do. About a year ago I was with Pete, a friend of mine, when he got a call from his daughter-in-law, Julie. She had just returned from an overseas trip and was to be met at the airport by her husband, Pete’s son. But the guy wasn’t there to meet her and Julie wondered if Pete knew where he was.

Within minutes Pete was almost a nervous wreck. His son always carried a cell phone and was very responsible. He’d certainly have been there to pick up his wife who had been gone for several weeks, Pete assured me. The next thing I knew Pete was in real turmoil as he worried about what happened to his son. About an hour later he got another call. His son had arrived and was just fine.

A few weeks ago this same Pete talked to me about another matter, this one involving a woman he’s been dating. He had tried to set up something with her and hadn’t gotten any response from her for several days. “This just isn’t like her,” he said. Immediately he knew she must be tired of him and he wondered aloud why she didn’t just tell him she didn’t want to see him any more rather than avoid him. He was in a world of agony and anguish.

A few days later he swung by her house and she met him at the door. She was her usual self, friendly and warm, and unhesitatingly invited him in. During the ensuing conversation it turns out that he had sent her an email and thought he had asked for a response. She, on the other hand, didn’t realize he wanted a response and thought that plans were already firmed up. It was all a misunderstanding.

In both incidents – his son not showing up at the airport and his conviction that this woman had unceremoniously dumped him – it was only Pete’s futurizing thoughts that caused him so much suffering. To this day he doesn’t know why his son wasn’t at the airport.

Even when we get proof that we can’t believe our thoughts, as Pete did twice, we still believe our thoughts. We know a relationship shouldn’t end. We know our date shouldn’t be rude to us. We know we should have a partner. Yet it’s only because we believe we know how the world should work rather than seeing how it does work that we live in such emotional pain and turmoil. When will we ever live comfortably in the not-knowing and simply be with what is, watching it unfold, peacefully and painlessly moment to moment? After all, that’s really the only truth there is.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

295. If you want painless dating in these mature years try this

Because dating, even in these mature years, is so personal and it so easily pin-pricks into our self-worth issues we can often have heart-wrenching pain and suffering as we go about meeting new people and attempting to find a new partner. In these articles I’m suggesting what is a radical idea to most people, and it’s this: All – and I stress the word all – of our emotional suffering comes only from our thoughts.

Nearly everyone thinks suffering comes from the outside. In dating we think it’s caused by what our date or partner says or does. But when we look closely we see that thoughts are the cause. We see what is, think it shouldn’t be that way, and suffer. In short, we make up our own stories, our own fairy tales and fantasies about how life should be. We believe our story, and since we can't get our way and change what is we hurt.

A simple example: You’re at a dance with Joe. Joe decides to dance with another woman and you’re hurt. It’s your thought, not Joe, that caused your pain because if you didn’t know Joe was dancing with another woman you wouldn’t hurt at all. So it’s not his act but your thought that makes you hurt.

“Yes,” you might say, “but when I find out he’s dancing with another woman it hurts because that obviously means he’s not very interested in me.” But if you didn’t believe your story that he’s not interested in you would you still be hurting? Maybe you find out that he felt sorry for a woman he’s seen sitting alone all evening. He cared and just wanted to give her a chance to dance. His dancing with her had nothing to do with you. You could still choose to hurt because you might feel he still shouldn’t have danced with her. You might still think if he really cared about you he wouldn’t do that. But that would be entirely your projection. Can you really be sure that Joe isn’t just caring about someone and that it has nothing to do with his lack of interest in you? If you turned it around you might even feel more love for Joe because you can see what a caring, thoughtful man he is.

To me, the simple proof that it’s always our own thoughts that cause us to suffer is this: When we go to sleep at night there’s no suffering, except possibly in a dream. We may be in the middle of horrendous heartache when we go to bed. But when we fall asleep where is the pain? The circumstance hasn’t changed but we’re not projecting our interpretations and judgments onto it during those sleep hours.

We think we know how life should be, and especially how our life should be. If someone we love leaves us we know they shouldn’t. We know we could be their perfect partner, and we feel the emptiness and craving for their love because we think we know how it should be. To relieve that pain ask yourself if you can be certain that your thoughts are true.

Can you absolutely know life should be your way? Is it possible that the Power behind your breathing and heartbeat, and that keeps the stars in place, knows what it’s doing? Are you 100% sure that this woman who left you would be your best life partner? How do you feel when you stop believing you know best and just see life as it really is? There is peace and simple happiness. Then dating is an interesting, fun adventure. And isn’t that what you really want? – happiness right now?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

294. We shape our dating life like cookies from a cookie press

When you see a star-shaped cookie you know it’s been made with a cookie press. A lump of dough is placed in the back end of a tube, then squeezed out through a disk pattern in the front end that shapes it into a star to be baked as a cookie. The original lump of dough looks entirely different after it goes through the shaping disk of the press.

That’s how most of us deal with what we experience in life much of the time. We innocently and unconsciously shape it into a pattern, based on our own beliefs, without realizing that we’re no longer dealing with the fact of a situation. Our self-shaped story is painful to us because it argues with the facts. We’ve pressed “what is” through our cookie press.

For example, a friend of mine, in her 60s, told me recently that a man she’d been dating suddenly stopped calling. When she called him and left a message he didn’t respond. Immediately she began to feel that he wasn’t interested and that she was unworthy and had failed again as a desirable woman. She had shaped her own story and was no longer dealing with reality, which is that the man hadn’t called or responded to her calls.

Without realizing it she had put his action of not calling through her cookie press and it came out as “He doesn’t want to talk to me so I must not be okay.” But she didn’t know that for sure. Maybe instead he was injured and hospitalized, maybe he was sick, maybe he had a family emergency and had to suddenly leave town.

Even if she could confirm that he wasn’t interested in her any more does that need to be painful for her unless she puts that thought through her cookie press and comes out with an “unworthy cookie” story? Where does that “unworthy” idea come from except her own belief – her own self-created story? He could even say, “You’re not worthy of me,” and so what? That would be his perception, and he has a right to it. But if you push it through your cookie press and believe it means you’re worthless you’re now hurting because of your own fantasy. You’re no longer dealing with reality.

The mind is a wonderful slave but a terrible master. Every emotional pain we ever have occurs because we put facts through our cookie press and believe what comes out the other end. We forget that the star cookie isn’t really a star, it’s cookie dough.

This is why the sages have consistently said, “You’re not in the world; the world is in you.” We each create our own world, pressed out through our own cookie presses. If you want to live more happily and have more fun in these mature dating years just notice when you’re hurting emotionally – feeling disappointed, empty, worthless, jealous, angry. Then ask yourself, “Where have I taken what’s real and shaped it into my story?” It’s always the story that makes us hurt because it’s not true.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

293. She wanted an explanation she didn’t get, and was upset

“Will you tell me why you don’t want to come to dinner?” Kathleen asked. She had invited me to dinner after we had agreed to go for an afternoon walk. We’d met 6 weeks earlier and had gotten together several times. But I wasn’t ready then to come to dinner so I had thanked her and declined. I told her I didn’t want to explain any reasons but that I felt it was best not to do that right now.

“Well, I know I’m responsible for my feelings and you’re responsible for your feelings,” she said. “However, I do feel that sometimes people owe me an explanation. Are you saying you won’t explain? I’d just feel more comfortable if you told me why,” Kathleen said. “Yes,” I said, “I understand you’d like an explanation but as you said, I’m not responsible for your feelings and I’d prefer not to have to explain myself.”

Kathleen went on to say that this kind of response from me wouldn’t work for her and said if I held to my view we’d need to end further contact, which we did. In a conversation with her several weeks earlier she had told me about a married son of hers who lived some distance away who wouldn’t agree that her dog could come with her for a week-long visit in their home. She told me she was irritated and angry about that and that “it took me quite awhile to get over that.” So I wasn’t too surprised over her reaction to my lack of explaining things to her satisfaction.

In both these cases Kathleen obviously felt she had a right to get what she wanted, and was upset when it didn’t happen. Her reactions and responses were typical of many relationship problems that stem from expectations and rights people think they have over other people. But do we have rights over how others live their lives?

The actuality of real life tells us we like to be able to live our own lives without judgment and condemnation. So when we try to interfere with the way others live aren’t we trying to control them in ways we don't want to be controlled?

If you’re upset because your date or partner doesn’t explain his activities, you can relieve your stress by asking yourself, “Do I know how he should live his life and does he owe it to me to explain why he does what he does?” If you’re not happy with his behavior toward you it doesn’t mean you have to understand. You only have to see that this is reality and take whatever steps are right for you, accordingly.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

292. A love companion can never fill your emotional void or make you happy

Some years ago I dated a woman for a short time who was very successful in her career but she admitted that when it came to relationships she always ended up choosing the same kind of person and it was a disaster. On the outside her two husbands and other committed dating companions she had had were quite different. But on the inside, it turned out, they were pretty much the same. They all filled a hole in her for a short time but eventually the game was up and things flew apart.

Until we understand that always the primary relationship we have is with ourselves, we’ll be looking for another person to complete our lives or make us whole and we’ll never be happy. Successful relationships don’t work that way. Unless we bring a healthy, happy emotional grounding to any relationship we’re always going to be victims of that person we choose.

We end up manipulating our partner or date because we think we need to keep them in place so they’ll continue to give us what we lack. If they don’t show love in the way we think they should, for instance, we get scared. That fear can turn to anger with our partner for betraying us. Or we may find we’re bending ourselves into a pretzel to do everything we think our partner wants so we won’t be abandoned. Both are just different forms of manipulation. And of course it pushes your partner away because you’re expecting them to do your job, which is to make yourself happy.

What it comes down to is that we attract to ourselves the kind of person who fills the hole in us. For example, if we’re needy we attract a care-taker. If we’re controlling we attract a pushover. It’s simply the nature of how life works, this time showing up in relationships: you can’t have up without down or in without out. And you can’t have needy without a care-taker. But the care-taker and the pushover can only exist in that environment for so long, then all hell breaks loose when they can’t stand their roles any more.

Then the needy, or controlling, or care-taking one moves on to the next date or partner and the cycle repeats, complete with all its pain. Seeing it this way it’s clear that relationship problems aren’t ever about “them.” Any emotional hurt we ever feel is always about us. That’s why we get such a huge payoff when we’re willing to look honestly at the realities of life and question our beliefs. If we’re needy we can look to see if it’s true that we can’t take care of ourselves. If we’re a controller is it true we need to control so we won’t feel fearful and insecure? One question you might ask, for example, is this: Is there security in this world?

If you’re a person who seems to end up with the same kind of problem in virtually every romantic relationship you have, you can stop all the pain by just turning inside rather than jumping to someone outside to make you feel good. Find out the truth of who you are and stop telling yourself the lies that keep you victimized. Finding someone to fill your emotional holes just ain’t never gonna work!

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

291. When we let thoughts pass dating is easy and problem-free

You probably know that old saying you hear in the bible, “It came to pass.” Well, that’s what thoughts do. They come to pass. That’s their nature. And if you notice that happens sometimes in split seconds, sometimes a bit longer. But every single thought passes very quickly. When they seem to stick around it’s because we’ve nursed them and fed them. Then they build, one on top of the other. You know how it works in dating: “He didn’t call; he should have called; why didn’t he call; maybe he doesn’t care; that’s awfully rude of him; that’s how it always works for me; initially I attract a guy then he gets to know me and disappears.”

Each thought comes to pass quite quickly but it seems to birth another thought, and another and another. It happens because we put the energy of belief into the original thought. But thoughts just show up. They’re not personal. They don’t mean anything. Every thought is recycled; it’s been thought millions of times by others. If we put no belief into a thought it just passes on. It can’t live without energy so it disappears into the Silence and Stillness it came from.

If you want to live happily, simply be in harmony with life as it is. Thoughts will appear and then disappear as another thought replaces it in an instant. But give the thought energy and it builds on itself, one thought at a time until you’ve got a thought-bundle that’s huge and seems so real and believable. Yet it’s all built on myth because the truth is we don’t know why things happen or what will happen next.

Meanwhile all those thoughts we hold on to block the joy and pure simplicity of this moment. How does it feel while you watch a beautiful sunset on a glorious evening while holding the thought, “I wish she were here to enjoy this with me.” Do you notice how that thought, and only that thought, ruins the natural joy of just being?

The entire universe operates perfectly and has for eternity. Why not let it be and live joyfully, trusting Life just as it is? The alternative isn’t much fun and never works because we have no influence anyway.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

290. There can’t be happy dating without hurtful dating -- until we stop judging and comparing

We live in a world of twos – duality. It couldn’t be any other way. There can’t be up without down, joy without sorrow, peace without stress. We couldn’t say anything about an object if there was nothing to compare it to because, in effect, it wouldn’t exist. If there was tree, for example, and there wasn’t something you could call “not tree” then everything would be tree and we wouldn’t know tree at all. In fact, without something separate from tree there couldn’t even be space or a human to live in it.

So duality is a given in the world. The emotional pain in dating life comes when we take sides in the duality. This is better than that. Taking sides and judging is what the mind does best. It’s always making a comparison and judging: This should be and that should not be.

But let’s look at the belief we have that causes us to suffer so much. Are we really so certain of what should be? We’ve learned from other people that certain things should happen but do we know for sure? I’ll bet you can think of times when you’ve been so very certain and then later changed your mind. Maybe a relationship ended and you were so certain this was absolutely the right person for you, and you were crushed. Months or years later you say, “I’m so glad that ended. If it hadn’t I wouldn’t have met my true love” or “…I see now that I’d have been miserable,” etc.

Yet even with the proof of personal experience, showing us without doubt that our “certainty” was a sham, we still seem so certain that things should be our way rather than the way they are. Mary was rude to you. Tim stood you up. Harry took advantage of you. Gerry lied. None of them should be that way, we say.

But when you don’t argue with reality you see that Mary, Tim, Harry, and Gerry were being who they were. There have to be some liars and rude people so there can be honest and well-mannered people. One couldn’t exist without the other and who is to say we shouldn’t connect with some of them? You shouldn’t get a flat tire or cancer either but it happens. That’s reality.

Life is and it shows up as everything, including people we think are right and wrong. With clarity – seeing life as it actually is – we don’t need to compare one thing with another, and then judge how things should be in our dating life. When we witness the happening of our dating with interest and curiosity, and without an opinion, dating is peaceful and fun. Remember what Jesus said? “The kingdom of heaven is within you!” In their own words every sage has said the same thing.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

289. Of the two ways to go about dating and mating one is peaceful, the other painful

Life is the way it is. Have you noticed? No matter what we think about weather disasters, disease, war, or famine life just is. It’s the same with dating. We may think we deserve a mate because we have a lot of love to give. (I’ve heard that a lot in my 12 years of dating and I’ll bet you have too.) We may think we have control. But with some looking we see that we don’t.

Life didn’t ask our opinion about how tall we’d be, the color of our eyes, whether we kept our hair or not, or what talents we’d be born with. Life doesn’t need us to breathe or blink or beat our hearts in rhythm. Life just does it. In the same way, Life doesn’t give us a choice about the thoughts we have. They come out of the Void and silently slip back into that Void.

Our dating in these mature years will be just what it is. There are two approaches we can take to it, however, that will make the entire difference between whether we’re happy or not. One is to believe thoughts that may come saying we should have control... and argue, be bitter, disappointed or in despair because we have no partner. The other is to watch what naturally happens, including dating and our thoughts about it, and just enjoy the process. There’s always joy in watching the beautiful mystery of Life unfurl as it does, but it’s more subtle than we may be used to.

We’re used to excitement, activity, going and doing. But have you noticed that all the noise and movement appears on the background of stillness and silence? When the activity stops what’s left is stillness. When the noise stops what’s left is silence. In that stillness and silence there’s never turmoil, only a quiet contentment, a causeless joy. From that place we can watch all that appears, including thoughts such as “I need a partner to be happy.” We can notice that everything is simply an appearance that comes and goes. The Mystery is delightful when we see it just the way it is!

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

288. Without your unwitting story you might find your partner is more lovable than you thought

We’ve talked about how facts become stories and it’s the story that causes us to hurt, never the fact. Reality is another word for fact. It simply means “what is” just as it is. Most of us have been so conditioned to think in terms of our stories that we don’t even notice we’re the ones who added that story.

For example, you speak to your partner and he doesn’t answer. That’s the reality. A simple fact. The way the story gets added to that is when we interpret that action and attach our completely fictional meaning to it. It happens so automatically and insidiously that we believe the story as though it were a fact. We don’t even notice we’ve unwittingly added the story. It’s all fact in our minds. That is, until we investigate. And what reminds us to question our thoughts? Our pain. You’re suddenly not at peace, and that hurt is the signal to inquire. Do we really know what we’re talking about? That’s why questioning to see reality is such a powerful way to bring us back to peace and happiness and fun in life.

Let’s put our story-making habit into an example. It works like this: “I just spoke to Jim and he didn’t answer and that means…” and from there we add all kinds of stories, such as, “…he’s mad” or “…he just doesn’t care” or “…he thinks I’m too stupid to know what I’m talking about.” We can add a thousand projected stories, depending on our own self-image or conditioning. But the stories are purely our own invention because we’ve decided what it means that Jim didn’t answer.

I’ve added bold face to the words “and that means” because we don’t usually think those words or say them to ourselves. But in truth that’s what we’ve just done. We’ve determined what someone’s words or actions mean without having the slightest idea whether we’re correct or not. In our innocence we don’t notice this, however. Interpreting and judging is natural. To us, it’s how life is lived, and how everyone lives. And for most people it is how they live. That’s why most of us are hurting so much.

Of course after we’ve added our neat little story then comes our judgment: “Just who does he think he is to think I’m stupid!” “Just because I disagree with him he doesn’t need to get mad.” “He’s so selfish and rude; he’s never interested in what I say.” With those judgments there’s your pain. Judging always feels stressful and hurtful.

So how do we get past the hurt we create in our relationships? Stop. Look. Inquire. Do we really know what our partner’s words or actions mean? Are we sure things should be the way we think they should be instead of the way they are? We live in harmony with life by seeing facts as they are, without our interpretations and judgments. If we ask poor old Jim why he didn’t answer when we spoke we might just be told he was so engrossed in his project that he didn’t hear us. Hmm, now wouldn’t that be a revelation! Maybe he isn't such a bad guy after all.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

287. When you’re in pain over dating you’re believing thoughts that aren’t true

In dating, when we’re hurting it’s because we think the other person did something bad to us and we have no control. Naturally we feel victimized and helpless. For example we believe thoughts like, “He doesn’t care because he doesn’t really listen to me.” “She should return my phone calls.” “He should do something special to show his love for me.” With those thoughts we hurt.

Over the centuries, however, those wise ones who live peaceful, happy lives remind us that thoughts aren’t believable. We don’t ask for them. They just appear. But we believe them as though we had created them and own them. Worry is a good example that we’ve all experienced intimately. Worry is nothing but a consistent thought about an imagined future we think would hurt us. In your own experience how many times have your worries actually materialized? Probably almost never. Yet we worry over and over. Even after we’ve been tricked again and again by our thoughts why is it that we continue to believe them?

Our thoughts about dating trick us in the same way. Whenever you’re hurting about your dating relationships it always works to look at what you’re thinking, because emotional suffering follows thoughts. What do you believe about the situation or your date/partner? Are you sure you’re believing what’s real or is it possible you’re believing a story you’ve made up?

Let’s say you think your date should return your phone calls. That’s a story. Should she when she doesn’t? You hurt because you think she should be giving you what she’s not giving you. Do you know for sure she should be doing what you want? Is your happiness her job? Reality is that she should not be returning your phone calls because she isn’t. That’s the fact without your story.

To believe you know what your partner or date should do is pretty crazy. Actually you know what they should do by watching what they do – period. Reality doesn’t hurt, only our beliefs and stories about it hurt. People are who they are and they do what they do. If you don’t see that just watch. In the end isn’t it we who create our own pain by deciding our partner should be different?

When we believe thoughts like these we’ve built a prison for ourselves and locked ourselves in it. We’re victims, thinking other people are controlling how we feel. But are your thoughts actually telling you what’s real? Are they worth believing? Or have you latched onto a fantasy that just looks real, like worry looks real?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

286. Questioning your thoughts may seem too simple to end mature dating pain – but it works!

When I speak of questioning your thoughts to end the turmoil, desperation and pain that can come with mature dating I understand it’s easy to discount the idea. The one complaint from people is that this is too simple. We’re conditioned to think that we’ve got to put out a lot of effort to make changes in our lives. It’s the “no pain, no gain” idea.

But when we see that all the painful emotional issues of our lives come from our thoughts, questioning those thoughts to see how true they are might make a little more sense. All our lives we’ve heard how life should be: “People shouldn’t do bad things to other people.” “Our dating partners should always be honest and true to us.” “We shouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.” “I’m never quite good enough.” We’ve picked up these ideas but are they true? Doesn’t it hurt when we think those thoughts? If we really look, and see the truth, do we still hurt?

Take any one of those statements above and we can see, with a little investigation, that they may not be true at all. For instance, “I’m not good enough.” How many of us think that about ourselves – at least some of the time if not virtually all the time. It’s a program that runs in the background of our lives almost without our recognition, until we start looking at how that single idea shapes our actions. Because of it we may be constantly trying for other people's approval, for instance. We may be always struggling to be somebody better than we think we are, wearing the mask of an actor. We’re not free when we’re not living authentically. It’s not fun. And in the end it never works.

But inquiry brings us back to the truth: Are we really not good enough? By whose standards? What’s “good enough”? Do we really need more approval than we’ve got? What I see so clearly is that every one of us has exactly the approval we need at any moment. All you have to do is see the approval you’ve got and you know that’s what you need – because you’ve got it.

Or what about the belief that we shouldn't hurt someone's feelings. What god gave us that power? Don't we decide our reaction to what someone says or does? When you think you can hurt someone's feelings you've made yourself responsible for what you have no control over. Sure, we can be kind, knowing some people hurt their own feelings based on our words. We can be considerate but we don't have to be dishonest to protect them. Their feelings are not our job or within our power.

The universe always works the way it does. That’s reality. Storms happen. People get sick. Things live and die. Change occurs. Life turns out different from the way we thought it would, even day by day. We think we’re going to answer the phone and we trip and fall and break an ankle. Oops? Who’s in charge here? Well, it’s obviously not us.

Yet we want to think things should be our way. That’s an innocent myth. Things should be the way they are. How do we know? This is it. Questioning always gets you to reality if you’re willing to be honest. With reality comes peace and happiness. We can opt for that or we can insist on our way and suffer.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

285. You can’t let go of painful thoughts but question them and you can end the hurt

Let’s say Laurie is at a party with Dale and she sees him talking and laughing with another woman. Without a judgmental thought about it Laurie can be happy that Dale is having a good time. But often we don’t see things just as they are. We see them as we think they are and form judgments: “That’s not right; that’s rude, he shouldn’t be flirting like that,” and on and on our stories go. With those thoughts comes pain. Emotional suffering always comes only from thought, never from a situation, object or person. It’s always what we think about the situation or person that makes us hurt.

So it would appear that to get rid of our pain we have to get rid of thinking wouldn’t it? But no one has ever been able to control thoughts. You can’t get rid of them. They come and go on their own. If we could let go of thoughts we’d all have done it when they started instead of suffering for days, months or years about something.

We can’t let go of thoughts but we can question them to see what’s true. And when we understand life as it is instead of getting locked into our stories of how it should be, thoughts let go of us. They were never real in the first place. They only appear to be real because we believe them. Is it true Dale shouldn’t be having a nice time with a woman? It may look like flirting but do we know he’s not just being friendly? Even if Dale is flirting is it true he shouldn’t be? Do we know for sure how he should be living his life? Is it true that Dale’s actions can threaten Laurie? If there’s no threat would there be any reason to judge him?

Once we see what is, without our interpretations, analyses, opinions, and judgments, suffering is gone. It’s that simple. All it takes is investigating our thoughts to see what’s true so we can live in joy and harmony with things as they are.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

284. Follow your gut instead of your beliefs and dating is happy and enjoyable

Recently I read an article about emotional intimacy in relationships, which I shared with a friend. In recent years she had dated two men who, she said, were really nice guys, with fine qualities. But something was missing which she couldn’t put her finger on. There was nothing really wrong in their friendships but my friend knew she wanted more. It turns out that she wanted to be with someone she could share with on a deep, emotional level, though she couldn’t put that into words at the time.

When she read about emotional intimacy she realized that was what had been missing. Her intuition, or gut, knew something was wrong for her in those relationships but she couldn’t put it into words or make sense of it mentally until she read the article.

To me, her experience is a good example of why it's important to trust our inner instincts in dating, even when they seem to make no sense to our heads. Trusting your gut, or your true essence, is different from having your life run by old beliefs you’ve learned, which are usually not accurate at all. Gut feelings are a knowing, a clear sense, that comes before thought. It’s like the sense of knowing that you are. If someone asks you if you exist your response is automatic: “Yes, of course.” You’d have to exist and be aware of that existence to even have a thought. So knowing comes before thought. Intuition springs from that same source, our true nature.

Belief, however, is always a thought, recalling a memory of something we’ve learned. It’s not based on knowing or direct experience. As we trust our intuition more and more we see that those intuitive impulses – that Life Intelligence – is meant to lead our lives. It blinks our eyes, beats our hearts and brings forth our next thought. All we have to do is follow what’s intuitively obvious and life, including dating, becomes just an easy, enjoyable, peaceful movement of energy. There’s no need to try to mentally psyche out life. We don’t need to try to run the show. Instead, we can just go with what we know is right for us. And our heart, or gut, or intuition tells us what that is.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

283. What happens in mature dating is never painful except for our thoughts about it

All the heartache, disappointment, despair, loneliness and pain of mature dating comes and goes, have you noticed? Even in the midst of deep hurt there are moments of no hurt at all, such as when you stub your toe and your thoughts instantly go to that physical pain. Meanwhile your heartache just disappears – poof!

Where does it go? Was it real? Or was all that hurt just a thought? Since it can disappear in an instant what could the pain be except a fleeting thought? That’s why it makes sense to question thoughts and beliefs. While we hold a thought it feels physically real. Let’s say Ron’s thought is, “I want Adele to love me.” The more that thought is nurtured and fed the more Ron hurts.

But is it true that Adele should love Ron? Can he positively know that would be best for him? With that thought he’s in a world of hurt. Without it he’s just living life and watching things happen. When he doesn’t know for sure what should happen he’s open to what is. And with his focus off the thought what happens to the pain? It disappears in the simple awareness that Ron’s strongly held belief may not be true.

Thoughts seem to have great power to create pain for us. But in actuality they have no power at all because there’s nothing real about them. Thoughts are as fleeting as a lightning flash and as real as a shadow. Meanwhile, every moment a painful thought-illusion occupies us we’re not only hurting but we’re missing the only living there ever is, the life that happens in the present. And that present-moment life is not suffering at all.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

282. Bliss may be far-fetched but happy, adventurous, mature dating can be yours

You’ve probably heard of the sages and gurus who speak of living in bliss. It sounds wonderful. Isn’t that what we want when we’re seeking a partner? – bliss? But that idea may not be too practical in real life.

In my study of spiritual traditions I’ve seen that the word bliss is often confusing. People sometimes think it means living on a constant high. Others think it must mean some sort of spaced-out, trance-like existence. Maybe it’s been a translation issue, but the honest, people of clarity who share spiritual wisdom speak of the happiness that’s our true nature as being simply a problem-free life. As one teacher, John Wheeler, puts it, “Life becomes open, natural and joyous – not necessarily in an overt way.” It’s the simple realization that everything is all right just as it is. And when it changes, as it always will, that’s all right too.

We live in that knowing that life is just fine when we question the beliefs we hold that cause us psychological suffering – in dating and in other aspects of life. When we don’t think we have all the answers and when we realize living is happening through us, our focus on “my way” loses its intensity and we start being happy just with what happens in the moment. The natural intelligence that expresses itself as everything we experience doesn’t have problems and suffering. It’s always only our idea that life should be our way rather than the way it is that makes us suffer.

Do you ever really know what should happen in life? Are you really the small, separate person you think you are, who has to struggle with life? Life is living through us, as us, and when we see that, dating becomes simply an interesting, fun adventure, without problems.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

281. We don't "need" love when we discover that feeling loved is an inside job

We hear all the time that we have to love ourselves before we can love others. Or that we don’t need love from others when we truly love ourselves. The problem is, how do we truly love ourselves? Most people find that the way they try to get love from themselves is the same way they try to get love from others – by manipulation. When we try hard to give others what we think they want – to get their love through flattery and deceit – we’re manipulating. We’ve also made ourselves victims, waiting for someone else to make us feel happy and loved.

When we try to give ourselves what we think we want we’re also victims, hoping something we do will make us feel acceptable and worthy. You can take all the cruise trips you want, and soak in a perfumed tub with flowers and candles, but those methods of manipulation don’t do anything for self-love. Loving ourselves isn’t doing something, it’s being something. And what we’re being when we love ourselves is a spontaneously peaceful, happy person, content with life. Self-love and simple being in life are what’s always been there when we see through our self-loathing.

So, how do we love ourselves? We question our beliefs to see reality without our painful stories. At first that may pose a seeming problem because the things we don’t like about ourselves are the things we don’t want to look at. But that’s because we think when we recall what we loathe about ourselves we’ll just be reinforcing self-hatred. “Look at this terrible thing I did, and think about that cruel thing I said. Obviously I’m a terrible person.” We don’t want to think that.

But there’s a way to look at our past and see that it’s not something to regret and hate ourselves over. What blocks us from loving other people is judgment, and it’s the same with ourselves. We judge ourselves by believing our thoughts about how bad we’ve been. Then we’ve trapped ourselves into trying to find someone to love us so we can feel worthy. Of course it never works. Who’s going to love you when you, yourself, think you’re unlovable? That’s what you project. No, self-love is an inside job, not an outside job. And we’ll never see that unless we’re willing to question our beliefs and thoughts about ourselves.

What do we regret having done? Are we willing to look? Did we do the best we could at the time? Is it true we really wanted to hurt someone? Or is it more true that we were so hurt and confused that we lashed out as the only defense we knew then, the only survival technique we thought was available at the moment?

After we’ve questioned our long-held beliefs, and when we see that they’re not true, what’s left automatically is self-love. We don’t have to do anything to gain love. It’s what we are naturally, just as a light shines naturally when we clean the mud and dirt off the bulb.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

280. Believe a partner should be monogamous when she’s not and you'll suffer

What we know in mature dating doesn’t cause us to suffer. What we believe is the source of all the emotional and psychological pain we feel. Knowing is reality. Belief is a story we’ve learned. That applies to any belief. It’s our story. Let’s say you find that your partner is not being monogamous. That’s what you know. Now, let’s say you believe she should be monogamous. That’s your story and the split-second you believe that story your pain begins. Your belief and your pain come side by side, self-created.

Pain hurts but there’s a gift in it as well. It’s the signal telling you that your thinking is off track and inviting you to play Private I and investigate to see whether your belief is really true. Seeing reality and ending our pain is that simple.

In this case, you’d simply ask, “Is it true my partner should be monogamous when she’s not?” Obviously, what’s happening is true, not what you believe should be happening. Do people have affairs in this world? Is that part of the reality of life? Can we know for sure that our partner should be monogamous? In the larger picture of life are we absolutely sure we know what’s best?

If you still think your beliefs are right you could ask further questions: Does my partner have a right to live her life her way? Do I have a right to demand that she live it my way? Who decides how I get to live my life? Who gets to decide how she lives her life? With simple questions, given honest answers, you find that life is a series of happenings, all things changing, all things coming and going. Can we know something or someone shouldn’t go? Who are we to decide we know best?

Though I didn’t have the understanding of life that I do now, when my wife died, one thing seemed really clear in the midst of all my emptiness and pain: She was supposed to be gone. I knew that because when I looked around she wasn’t here any longer. Somehow, that knowing was clear: It was supposed to be, because it was. All life, I see now, is like that. Reality rules.

When we simply witness life as it is, without our stories, we don’t suffer. You can argue with reality all you want, but all you’ll ever get is heartache and pain. It’s madness to argue with what is. Drop the resistance and judgment, see it the way it is, and pain is gone. Suffering is always optional.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

279. Living in our make-believe world makes for a lot of suffering in dating

Most of the time we live in an unreal, make-believe, invisible world – a lie of our own creation. We wake in the morning and create our world out of our thoughts and beliefs. Here’s what I mean. Louise has been dating a guy and suddenly, without warning, he says he wants to date someone else. She’s crushed, and agonizes for months over what went wrong and why he isn’t with her any longer.

Marie has the same experience. She’s been dating a guy and without warning he tells her he’s ending the relationship. Marie, however, sees the reality of life and knows to just witness it as it is. If she has doubts or sadness she questions herself to see if it’s true that the relationship should have turned out the way she expected or hoped, instead of the way it did. With some clarity she sees that she doesn’t know the big picture and she can’t be positive that this relationship should have continued.

In fact, she can be positive that it should not have continued… because it didn’t. Living life without emotional suffering is seeing that life is just the way it is. Suffering would only occur for Marie if she thought it should be her way rather than the way it is. She would have to think that she has a voice in the matter, when in fact she’s simply being lived, as is everything else.

Once she realizes life happens the way it happens she can easily take it in stride and simply enjoy the next experience, the one that always replaces whatever disappears. This is clarity, peace and happiness. And it all comes from questioning our beliefs and seeing reality as it actually is. All our stories then end and all the suffering is gone without a story.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

278. We tend to blame ourselves but we can’t make a mistake in mature dating

You can’t make a mistake in mature dating. When there’s a problem in our relationship it’s easy to think it wouldn’t exist if only we hadn’t said or done something. I know that flies in the face of what many of us think. We think, “If only I hadn’t been so honest.” “I shouldn’t have disagreed with what she said.” “I made a mistake when I asked that other woman to dance.” It’s called regret.

If you’re feeling regret over some action you took or words you spoke in your relationship there’s a simple way to get past that pain. Ask yourself, “Could I have done better in the moment?” If the answer is no, what is there to regret? If the answer is yes, question yourself a little more. It may be that you’re holding on to a belief about what behavior is right or wrong, good or bad. But does that belief square with reality? Is it true in your own experience that at the moment you took the action you could have done better? Didn’t you do the best you knew at the time to get what you thought would be the best outcome for you?

Regret is a waste of energy and robs you of the chance to be peaceful and happy with this moment. It’s the memory of a belief that isn’t true. Could something be different than the way it was? Can you truly know it should have been different?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

277. If you stop judging you stop hurting and mature dating is then a fun adventure

All the pain in mature dating comes from one thing and one thing only – what we think about what’s happening. A happening itself doesn’t cause pain. It’s only when we think it shouldn’t be happening or it should be happening differently that we suffer. Whenever you find yourself thinking or saying words like “should”, “ought”, “right”, “wrong”, “good”, “bad”, etc. you know you’re judging. It’s all about thinking we’re right and the situation or other person is wrong.

The job of the mind is to prove it’s right. So it judges and compares and pits this thing against another thing. The Tao Te Ching, that ancient Chinese spiritual text, says, “When people see some things as good, other things become bad.” When you think someone’s words or behavior is bad you’re not open to see the good that can come from it. We seem to think that from our limited human perspective we can assess and judge what that Infinite wisdom is showing us.

Once we question our thoughts, however, we may see that what we think is wrong and bad is just something we’re not clear about. For example, let’s make up a story about Mary. Mary’s relationship ends and her friends and family are happy because they could see this wasn’t the right guy for her. But Mary didn’t choose to end the relationship and she’s heart-broken, only to realize months later that her friends and family had more clarity than she did. Now she’s glad things didn’t go her way after all. If she hadn't believed her thoughts that the relationship shouldn't have ended she wouldn't have suffered in the first place. Instead, she'd have been able to acknowledge the change in her life and simply watch the next thing show up, whatever it might be.

Believing our thoughts without question is a recipe for pain. Questioning shows us that reality is the way of life and maybe we really don’t have the “right” answers after all. Without our right/wrong thoughts and beliefs we’re left with seeing life as it is. And “as it is” is just life spreading itself out before us moment by moment, full of interesting surprises and miracles if we’re willing to see them.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

276. Was it true that sex too soon ended her relationship?

For many of us there’s a lot of stress in dating. In many cases it’s a new experience after being married or with a partner for years. Something has happened – death, divorce – and you’re single again. And now you’re in your 50s, 60s, 70s or more. You want to find a partner. You don’t want to live life without companionship, love and warmth. That’s a strong desire for you, especially now that you’re older.

Sad to say, that very desire is the beginning of a lot of trouble because we can easily think we have to be something special to be wanted or loved again. So, almost without realizing it, we begin to play the game of “make-believe”. We become inauthentic, trying to be someone we think is more acceptable. When we’re with a date we agree with things that in our hearts we don’t believe. We do things we don’t really feel is true to ourselves because we want love and approval. We’re trying to impress.

Reality, however, is that we are who we are. Each of us is given different personalities, different talents, different interests. We don’t have to try to be something we’re not. Acting is so stressful compared to “being”. “Being” is simply moving through life without effort, spontaneously, naturally, authentically – and happily.

Some years ago I met a woman who told me her story about a past relationship that ended. It was painful to her for a long time and she naturally questioned why it may have happened. What she concluded was that she got into a sexual relationship with this man too soon. “If only I had waited then probably this relationship wouldn’t have ended,” she said.

But since she was willing to explore the reality of those painful thoughts she realized, with some questioning, that she couldn’t know that her beliefs were true. In fact, she realized that the relationship ended not a moment too soon or too late. How did she know? She looked at reality and saw what happened. It’s like seeing that it’s raining outside. You know it should be raining because it is. You know anything should have happened because it did. Thoughts about it won’t change a thing. What is, is.

When we think we have to control how a relationship goes by being phony and false we’re living in a dream world. If a relationship ends it was supposed to end. If it continues that was meant to be. We can stop trying to be the “right person” for that wonderful man or woman we think we need in our lives. With some questioning we can even see that we obviously don’t need a relationship when we don’t have one. We think the right relationship would make us happy but can we know? Doesn’t that infinite, intelligence-energy that expresses as the universe seem to know what it’s doing? We could just trust life, live honestly and authentically, and be happy and relaxed in our dating. The ease of that is what I call dating fun.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

275. You can end stomach-churning suffering that often comes with mature dating

Thinking of writing a book some day, I started taking notes about mature dating some years ago when I realized how much unnecessary pain and confusion I saw in people my age when it came to dating. The disappointment and heartache, in both men and women, is so obvious in dating because those feelings are so emotionally acute and penetrating. The feelings are often knifelike as they stab deep into our guts.

What I had realized by then was that these feelings are always self-created, though we do that innocently. We don’t realize that we create our own world each minute. In dreamless sleep there is no world and no stress or suffering. It’s only when we wake up and say “I” that we suffer. The mind is endless in its capacity to create huge dramas out of passing thoughts. All based on that little one-letter word, “I”.

But when we question our untrue thoughts the stress and suffering they’ve created disappears because there was no reality behind those thoughts. It’s like the turmoil we create for ourselves by worrying about something that never happens. You’ve done it. You know what I’m talking about. Your worry was all a mind game, but what a drama! And what pain that false drama created.

The movies we create are endless when we don’t stop to question thoughts. Are these thoughts true? In dating can we really know what someone thinks or what they mean by their words or why they do or don’t do something? Can you really know your date or partner should do or not do what you think? Are you sure you know what’s best for you in the long run? Can you be positively sure? Does your own history show you’ve been right in the past?

Thoughts are nothing more than a game the mind plays to keep itself alive and entertained. Meanwhile, life – reality, what is – goes on as it does, with or without our opinions or approval. We don’t need to figure it out. We don’t need to know the future, or why something happened in the past. We can live in not-knowing and be contentedly happy, watching life blossom and unfold in new surprises every moment. This is peace. This is the end of stomach-churning suffering.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

274. Looking at reality ends suffering – but it seems too simple

In our “doing” society we nearly always think we have to “do” something to get rid of the disappointment, pain or suffering that often comes with dating. Yet in this blog I’m saying, “Just see reality as it is and all the suffering drops away by itself.” “How could that be,” you may be wondering. “It can’t be that simple.”

That’s the surprising part of all this: it is that simple. Here’s why. Doing involves will power. By force of will we’re going to change our thinking. “Think positively, not negatively,” the experts say. But if will power worked wouldn’t it have worked for you a long time ago? When you’re hurting emotionally wouldn’t you just will the suffering to be gone and it would be gone? But we can’t do that.

Investigating our often false thinking and seeing the truth of life is a whole different game. It has nothing to do with force or will power or effort or doing. It has to do with simply seeing what’s true. Then the ideas that argue with the truth evaporate by themselves because they were hanging on an illusion.

Let’s put this in the form of a simple, hypothetical example. Darrell and Kate have dated several times and things seem to be going well. But days go by and Darrell hasn’t called. Kate’s mind starts working overtime: “He probably got to know me better and realizes he doesn’t like me after all.” “He’s rude not to call.” “I’d never just drop out without telling someone.” “Why am I always the loser?” Those are all plausible-sounding stories but what do they have to do with reality? Absolutely nothing. And they cause Kate to agonize in turmoil.

The truth is, the only thing Kate knows is that Darrell hasn’t called. Period. That’s reality, and without a story there’s no pain in that at all. The pain is born only when a story is born. Let’s say Darrell never calls again and Kate chooses not to call him. What does she know then? That she wasn’t supposed to have a further relationship with Darrell – because she doesn’t. That’s it. Is there suffering in that? Only if Kate thinks she should have had a relationship with Darrell. All stories we create are just thoughts passing by that we latch onto and make real for ourselves. They’re all lies, but we don’t know that until we look. And looking seems too simple.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

273. Did you know that desire is the source of any dating pain you feel?

In your dating life desire is the basis of all your emotional suffering. If you’re hurting in any way about dating it has to be because you want something or someone to be different. When we don’t get what we want we suffer – in the form of sadness, anger, jealousy, frustration, loneliness and more. I’m not talking about a simple preference, of course. I’m talking about a desire that says, “If only I had that I could be happy.”

Life, however, unfolds without our desires. It just shows up, always fresh and sparkling new every moment, offering unequaled surprises and beauty if we just stop and see it.

Usually, though, we’re too busy wanting and judging to just be with what is. “Being” seems too simple. "Being" is just doing the next obvious thing without interpreting it and without a desire to alter or modify it. You live in the truth then, the truth that you don’t need to know and can’t know what’s going to happen next. This morning, for instance, I was going to have a cup of tea and go out for my usual exercise walk. I opened the refrigerator – and there in the bottom was blueberry juice, running all over. I had put a frozen bag in to thaw and apparently it had a slit in it. What a surprise!

So instead of walking right away I spent the next half-hour cleaning up blueberry juice that had run all over. I had just thought I was going out immediately for a walk but what did I know? It’s that way with dating too. We think we know what’s going to happen or what should happen. And then we suffer when it’s not what we expected. Life gets much simpler when we realize that it is what it is. Life (or God, or Source, or Infinite Intelligence) is living us and everything else. Having a war with it gets you nothing but misery. “Being” with it as it is gets you joy and peace, and some surprisingly happy experiences.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

272. Your date or partner doesn’t make you hurt, your beliefs and expectations do

Change is normal; every split-second moves out to make way for the next split-second. The very definition of change is “different”. You see it easily in the flow of nature: seasons come and go, day turns to night, there’s the rise and fall of breathing, and the rise and fall of nations. There’s heat and cold, calm and turbulence. With change come surprises, but only because we have expectations.

In mature dating, where we’ve let our heart get involved, change and surprise often hits us square in the face. We’re emotionally deeply invested and we can’t escape it. When things don’t go the way we want we label it disappointing and heartbreaking. But life doesn’t knock us around when we see it as it is, without expectations and without trying to hold on to things that are on their way out, including relationships. When we don’t take things personally we see that there’s just life. There’s no need to try to make sense of it any more than a fence post could make sense of itself. Without realizing it’s part of a bigger picture – the fence – the post can’t understand.

We’re invited by the Life Force every moment just to see what we need by seeing what is. It’s unconditional love, and if it has to come in the form of suffering at times it’ll do that. Each minute we’re being invited to see that we are the essence of life, showing up in form along with everything else. We’re not the pained, bewildered little person that’s separate from the Life Force and thinks it has to make life work all by itself. In dating this means we can let go of stress, bewilderment and suffering, and simply witness and enjoy life as it moves and modifies, floats and flows – just as it is.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

271. If you’re hurting it may be a case of mistaken identity

In mature dating, any time we’re hurting emotionally because of what someone else says or does we’ve got a case of mistaken identity. We’ve identified ourselves as a person who needs someone to be a certain way for us to be happy. By our thoughts we’ve taken on the identity of a victim.

But is our belief really true? Do we really need another person to be different so we can be happy? Let’s say Sid and Janie are in a committed relationship and Janie says she’s pulling out. Sid is crushed and suffers for months. He feels if only Janie would come back he could be happy again.

But is that true? Reality shows us that after a time Sid gets over his pain and begins to happily date other women again and move on with his life. Janie didn’t come back and yet Sid is happy. So his sadness or happiness couldn’t have had anything to do with Janie. It was within himself, in his own thoughts and beliefs. Any time we argue with reality we hurt. See reality as just the way life is and suffering ends. In the end Sid may realize how lucky he is that the relationship with Janie ended because he now sees they weren’t meant for each other. He just thought they were.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

270. Mature dating pain is gone when we watch life just be the way it is

Whenever you’re feeling the discomfort or emotional pain of wanting someone to change you can relieve that suffering by looking inside yourself. We always want someone to change because we want something for ourselves. The stress is that they don’t change the way we think they should.

Rather than focusing on getting someone to change, which results in interfering with their lives and causes us a lot of stress, we can focus instead on whether it’s realistic to argue with the way life is. Just seeing life without our self-centered desires is the end of all suffering. When we don’t want anything different we don’t suffer. It’s that simple. Facts never cause suffering. It’s always our disagreement with those facts that make us suffer.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

269. Loneliness doesn’t have to be our life if we question our thoughts

In one day recently I heard about two people, both seniors, who are single and extremely lonely. One is a woman who told me about an emotionally abusive relationship she’s in but who clearly doesn’t want to leave it because she says she can only imagine loneliness. The other is a story I heard about a man who’s wife died four years ago and he’s been deeply lonely ever since.

It may be hard to see this but any feeling of stress and suffering, including loneliness, comes only from our thinking. This isn’t something I’m suggesting you believe. Instead I’m suggesting, if you’re interested, that you check it out for yourself. Many times during any day we all find ourselves busy thinking of something that completely abolishes our suffering, if only for a moment. In those moments loneliness is gone. In other words, you have to think about being lonely to be lonely.

The woman I talked with seems to be afraid to drop her unfulfilling relationship because, as she said, “I have no prospects” for another relationship. Instead of dealing with the present she’s trying to deal with a future that she’s imagining.

I know nothing about the widower except that he’s lonely. But my experience would say he’s probably thinking thoughts like, “I can’t be happy without her.” “I need her in my life to be happy,” etc. But is that true? If you asked him if he’s had times of joy and happiness in the last four years I’ll bet he’d admit he has. Maybe times with his family, his grandchildren, friends, even sitting alone in a peaceful setting such as beside a gurgling creek, or even watching a ball game on TV when his side is winning. So he’s had happiness without her.

The point is this: All emotional suffering comes from our thoughts. We believe the thought that says, “I need her.” But isn’t he functioning in life just fine? Is it really true that he needs her? Can he even know that her life would have been better if she’d lived? Can he know his life would have been better if she’d lived? No, we can’t really know any of that. Reality is always the teacher because it doesn’t lie. It doesn’t deceive. It isn’t phony. It’s just what is. You can count on it.

Questioning the stories we tell ourselves – if we’re willing to answer honestly – always leads us back to the peace that’s under all the mind’s shenanigans. The mind is a wonderful slave but it’s a terrible master when its thoughts pop up about life and we get involved with those thoughts. We feed those thoughts and give them a comfy place to stay. So when will they leave? We muck around in the sticky mud of suffering and call that life.

Before any thought can arrive, however, there has to be some aware being that the thought can show up in or on. That beingness is who we are, and it’s like a movie screen. It isn’t affected by the thoughts and movies that show up on it. It’s always at peace and without problems. Since that Aware Being must be there for us to even have a thought, and since it exists before thought, it must be who we really are.

Life changes moment by moment. It changes so fast, in fact, that before we can even speak of a moment it’s already gone. Our suffering comes from not wanting some of the changes and holding on to the idea that life should be our way rather than the way it is. Without that thought we move freely in the world, relishing new relationships and enjoying the sparkle of life in the moment, even in such a simple thing as doing the dishes. If we’re lonely we can live in our wretched thinking or we can live in the awareness that watches a thought come and lets it go, like a cloud in the sky.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

268. Your insecurities can have you living in mature dating hell

The desire for security drives a lot of actions in life, and it sure shows up regularly in dating, especially in these mature or senior years. We want things pinned down. We want to know what’s going to happen next. We want things buttoned up and firmly fixed so we’ll know where we stand. We don’t want any painful surprises.

Veronica is a friend of mine who recently began seeing Chet, a man who had been divorced many years ago and has been alone since then. She told me she and Chet had been together three or four times and were getting along great. But apparently Chet was feeling uneasy. He called my friend and said he wanted to discuss some things that were important for him. He said he needed to know: Was she really invested in knowing him? How serious was she? Why didn’t she call him more often? What did she see their relationship looking like? He said he just wanted to know so he wouldn’t waste a lot of time and emotional energy on something that might not be going any place.

Chet’s concerns aren’t abnormal. But are they realistic? Would he really be able to feel secure if he had some answers? The truth is that life has no security, and we all know that when we examine it closely. You can have the most permanent, secure love relationship in the world and your partner gets killed in a traffic smashup. Or dies of cancer. Or finds someone new.

When we want security it’s because we think we have some control over life – our life. We want to prop it up and make sure it looks exactly the way we want it to look. But that’s a myth. There just ain’t no such thing, have you noticed? Life unfolds as it does and it doesn’t care a whit about our opinions and desires. Whatever this intelligent energy is that expresses itself through all the intricate functioning of our bodies and the planets is dictating the whole show.

We can watch it unfold in peace, and be in heaven. Or we can push and shove and try to control things and live in hell.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

267. Does body image keep you from dating freely and enjoying the experience?

If you’re just beginning to date again – or even if you’ve dated awhile now in your mature years - a major concern for you might be what you look like now that you’re older. You’ve got wrinkles and some sagging skin now. You don’t have the youthful look you did when you were dating earlier in life. You may have also gained some weight. People often have the feeling that they just wish they looked younger again, and they do everything possible to appear young.

That’s a stressful way to live, and if your concern with looks is always in the back of your mind when you’re with a date you’re probably not nearly as fluid and authentic as you’d be without those fears and beliefs.

There’s a simple way to dispel that worry; take a look at it and see what’s really true. If the story you’re telling yourself sounds like this: “I wish I looked younger.” Or “No one will be interested in me now that I’m older,” you can question those beliefs. Even the belief I’ve heard often, “Men only want younger women,” can be examined a bit. Is it true that men only want younger women? Is it true you’d be better off if you looked younger? Can you really, totally know that?

Reality is that everyone looks older as they get older. That’s the way the world works. And unless you have a fixed idea of what beauty or good looks is you can also see beauty and attractiveness in older people. Another reality is that it’s true, some men do want younger women. But do you know there are also women who want younger men? So what? Sometimes the sun shines and sometimes it’s cloudy too. That’s just the way of it, as a friend of mine says. Another reality is that every day seniors and mature daters strike up wonderful romantic relationships.

Remember, when we examine life closely we realize we don’t really know what’s best for us and we’re not running this show. If you’re supposed to be with a partner that’ll happen. If not it won’t, and your fears and thoughts about the why of it won’t make any difference, as they never have in the past.

Believing our self-doubting and inhibiting thoughts can make dating in these later years a stressful event. But without those false beliefs senior dating can also be a fascinating, unfolding mystery and a discovery of whole new worlds of love and caring.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

266. Communication usually isn’t the problem in dating relationships, judgment is

The inability to communicate is often cited as the problem between couples in relationships. Just because we’re in the mature stages of our lives doesn’t mean the ability to communicate with one another has improved. It only improves when people are willing to look at life realistically and be honest with themselves. Honesty often means we have to let go of our precious stories. We have to let go of being right and making the other person wrong.

We all know that a lot more than words are communicated when we’re speaking to each other. In romantic relationships that’s especially true because we know each other well enough to know what hurts the other, and sometimes we want to be hurtful.

However, when we’re not judging our partner we don’t need to hurt them in an effort to make them change. We don’t feel they’re responsible for our feelings so we’re not angry and trying to control them. When we’re enjoying a person for who they are as they are we usually communicate clearly. If we say, “Let’s go out to dinner,” that’s what we mean.

If we’re upset with our partner, though, and think they should be different, the words, “Let’s go out to dinner,” could be said with anger or that look of disgust we’re known for, and the meaning is clear: “You’re an idiot and the least you owe me is a nice dinner,” for example.

Communication is hardly ever the problem when two people really want to listen to each other and feel respect and care for each other. It may take us a few tries but we’ll almost certainly be able to eventually communicate what we mean and be understood.

So it’s not communication that’s the problem. It’s judgment that’s the problem. When we’re upset with our partner because we think they should be different we manipulate our communication to try to control them and make them do what we want. Our manipulation is unmistakable. It’s not honest communication and it never builds love.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

265. When you love yourself you can share with a partner, not need him

We hear all the time that we should love ourselves. Loving ourselves, we’re told, is our job and we can’t expect someone else to do it for us because they’re busy trying to love themselves. But what does it really mean to love ourselves? One of the ways we love ourselves is by realizing that we’re the ones deciding how life is (for us!). It isn’t about what life is dishing out but how we judge it – either good or bad for us. In article #264 I wrote about believing someone should want what they don’t want. In that belief and its naturally following expectation we’re hurting ourselves, not loving ourselves. We’re not seeing reality. We’re telling ourselves a lie, without realizing it.

Willingness to question thoughts and beliefs and see the truth takes us immediately to self-love. In this case we see specifically that who a person is and how they live is exclusively their business. When we don’t resist that by thinking they should be different we’re left with a feeling of ease and freedom – peace, or self-love.

We let the other person be who they are (as if we had a choice anyway) and we do whatever is apparent for us regarding them. In dating we may choose to be with the other person as she is or we may move on to someone else. But we don’t need to try to change them or fight them. If we move on it’s without judgment and anger toward them. After all, they’re being themselves, just as we’re doing.

That respect and love for the other person is also love for us: We’re no longer feeding ourselves a story that isn’t true and making ourselves miserable. Instead we’re just observing the way things are. Seeing the way life is rather than judging that it should be different is the primary way we love ourselves. “Seeing”, with no need to modify, alter or change anything, always feels peaceful, content and satisfying. We’re quietly and simply in love with life as it is.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

264. She suffered because she thought her friend should want what he didn’t want

It’s so easy – and we’re so conditioned – to think that if we can just get circumstances to change we’ll be happier. But no matter how upset we get, that’s nearly always hopeless because life is what it is. For example, today I was talking with a woman who had asked for help in sorting out some painful things in her life. I had suggested she try using the method called The Work that was introduced by Byron Katie (www.TheWork.com).

This woman, that I’ll call Kathryn, had written that she felt hurt and angry because a man she had a relationship with only wanted sex from her. She thought he should respect and honor her by wanting more than just sex.

Questioning those thoughts and beliefs helped her get some clarity. When I asked her if it was true he should be different from the way he was she was quite quickly able to see that it wasn’t true. He should be who he is, just as she is who she is. How could he want what he doesn’t want? Kathryn thought she was suffering because this guy wanted only sex from her. But as she unraveled the truth, with the help of some questions, she was able to see that her suffering really was because she thought this man should be different. It wasn't about him after all, it was about her.

When I asked how she felt when she held to the belief that he should want something he doesn’t want her answer was that she felt demeaned, and that gave her a stomach ache. Asked how she felt without that belief her answer was: Peaceful. Any time we suffer emotionally it’s only because we’re resisting what is. It could only be that, because just observing reality without a judgment can’t have any pain in it. It’s when we think it should be our way rather than the way it is that we hurt.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

263. Loneliness doesn’t exist except as a thought we believe in

Single seniors and mature men and women often feel lonely. It feels like we’re lonely because we have no partner in our lives. We think if the external world would change and give us a partner we wouldn’t need to feel lonely any more. But the external world is all our own projection. It’s like a mirror. You can’t look into a mirror without seeing your own reflection. It’s impossible.

In exactly the same way you can’t look into the world without seeing your own reflection because you project onto the world what your thoughts are about it. Two people can listen to the same music and one likes it, the other dislikes it. Obviously the music was just a fact. Our perception and projection is what makes it good or bad for us.

Back to loneliness, if we think we should be with someone we’re lonely. If we don’t think that’s necessary we’re not lonely. It’s all about believing our thoughts, and that’s where inquiry comes in. When you look at reality you see that you don’t have a partner. Should you? Do you know more than God? Obviously right now you don’t need a partner or you’d have one. Are you absolutely sure you should have a partner and that you wouldn’t be lonely if you did? In my first marriage I was lonely, and I’m not the only one who has experienced loneliness while having a partner.

There are more than six billion people on this planet. Is loneliness really a problem or is it just thinking that’s the problem? You can argue with “what is” but you can’t win. You can’t even be sure you’d be better off if you did win!

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

262. This one, primary desire is the heart of all suffering – in dating and in life

When you’re seeking a mate, and dating, you know before you start that there’s a risk involved. The risk is that you could wind up with a broken heart. We want not to be hurt. But the primary desire everyone has – the desire that causes all the psychological suffering there ever was or could be – is the desire to have the world be the way we want it to be rather than simply seeing it the way it is.

You don’t need to ponder this idea and wonder if you could believe it or not. All you have to do is look at your own direct experience. Isn’t it true that every time you hurt emotionally it’s because you think something or someone should be different? Judgment is another word for it. We judge – this is wrong, this is bad, this shouldn’t be. Without judging where can suffering exist? It can’t.

So the question is how you get rid of that primary desire to have the world be the way you want it rather than the way it is. If we narrow our focus down to mature dating we’ve all been around long enough to see that what was a broken heart often turned out to be a blessing in disguise. What we knew with certainty at that time, we later realized we didn’t know at all. Wiping out emotional suffering is always a matter of questioning: Do we really know it shouldn’t be the way it is? Could we just allow ourselves to watch life rather than think we should run it?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

261. When one myth about mature dating drops a whole host of others drop with it

What happens in dating is the only thing that could happen because that’s what did happen. There’s one operating principle (many call it God) in this world so how could it make a mistake? We can’t have a problem with dating and relationships unless we believe our thoughts about them. This morning I was talking with a woman about these ideas and she said, “I just keep repeating these dumb mistakes.” I asked her, “Can you really know what you did was a mistake in the big scheme of the world?” After pondering the question a bit she said, “No, I don’t really know that.”

She had believed her thought that some action she took was a mistake, and along with that came her judgment that it was dumb. But when “mistake” goes do you notice that “dumb” goes with it? “Mistake” was never real so it can’t stand up to scrutiny and serious questioning. And “dumb” was also just a myth tied to the first myth. When one goes the other goes… and that’s not even true. They don’t actually go because they were never there in the first place. It was all illusion.

That’s how the mind works; it appears to make real something that was never real in the first place, such as a statement like, “I should have a partner.” With that come thoughts like, “There must be something wrong with me.” “I have to find ways to be more attractive.” “If I just put on a happier face maybe then I’d find a partner.” Each statement is like the judgment “dumb” above. It’s the fantasy child of a fantasy woman, the first belief: “I should have a partner.”

The way you know you don’t need a partner right now is that you don’t have one. Tomorrow you may have a partner but in this very moment what you have is what you have, and fighting it is creating a war with reality that you’ll always lose. Without that war you just have life, as it is, which is totally satisfying once we give up the idea that it should be our way rather than the way it is.

Sometimes people ask me, “Does that mean I shouldn’t put my profile in the personals to find dates and a partner?” The answer is no, you simply do what you’re moved to do as part of the functioning of the world, but without needing a particular result. The joy is in the happening in the moment. You simply enjoy the process, watching the mystery of life unfold and realizing that you’re part of the unfolding along with everything else. No one ever put us in charge; we just thought so.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

260. Being peaceful and happy is as natural as gravitating toward a mate

Our natural state is peace and happiness. You can prove that to yourself by just noticing that in those moments when you’re just being, without really thinking of anything, you’re perfectly content. Or consider this, before any movement there’s stillness. Stillness has to be the background on which movement appears. It’s that way with noise also. Before sound there’s silence. Notice that you can jiggle a cup of water and when you stop jiggling it goes back to its natural state, stillness. You can make any sound – strike a gong, play a note, say a word – and when the sound stops there’s silence again. Silence is the natural state.

In silence and stillness there’s nothing but peace, no disturbance. It’s the peace we feel when we’re asleep at night. It’s the state small babies live in until they get old enough to have a sense of “me” and begin to believe their thoughts. We suffer, in dating and in other aspects of life, because we’re confused. We resist and argue with life as it is; that’s the confusion. We think life should be different because we’re confused about who we are. We haven’t noticed that living is happening through us not from us. We aren’t the authors of life. In fact, we have no independent power at all. Our very existence and every breath and heartbeat is given to us.

When you feel stress about your experiences in dating just notice that you believe some thought that’s fighting with what is. We don’t argue with gravity, we don’t whine that leaves fall off the trees in the fall, we don’t complain that some flowers have no perfume. This is all just the way life is, and who knows why?

All of life is like that. There’s a name for it when we disturb our natural inner silence and stillness by thinking anything should be our way instead of the way it is. It’s called insanity.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

259. You can’t lose when you see dating as it is, a delightful adventure

This morning I read a comment written by a 70-year-old woman who was saying that being older is not as good as being younger. As you read that do you notice that this is a woman who’s adding a slight stress to her life by arguing with reality? If you question whether something that subtle is stressful put yourself in her shoes a minute and ask yourself two questions:

1. How do you feel emotionally when you think the thought that life isn’t as good as it once was? Just feel that for a moment.

2. How would you feel if you paid no attention to that thought and just let it disappear into wherever it came from? Feel that one.

Even hypothetically, doesn’t question #2 feel better? Living happens, aging happens, spouses die or leave, we find ourselves alone in life. If you think it shouldn’t be this way isn’t that a bit like thinking if you drop a plate in mid-air it shouldn’t hit the floor? You just make yourself miserable.

The articles in this blog don’t say you can find a partner and here’s how to do it. What these articles say is that whatever happens in your dating you can enjoy life with a sense of well-being and contentment when you go with life as it is. Thoughts come and go by themselves. You can only have one thought at a time so any time there’s a new thought, which is every second or more, you’ve also lost the last thought.

If we buy into certain thoughts and nurse them and feed them and pay attention to them because we think they mean something we just create a lot of suffering for ourselves. I’m not even really talking about acceptance here, because to have acceptance you also must have non-acceptance and rejection. I’m only talking about being, before thoughts, before judgments, before attachments. Just see life as it is and you’ll have no pain. Then mature dating is a wonderful adventure and you can’t possibly lose.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

258. Believe thoughts about dating and they’ll bite you every time

The mind is a wonderful slave but a wretched master. Unfortunately, a huge part of our waking hours we let thoughts master us. We believe them, and then get jerked around by them like an animal on a chain, forgetting that we started the whole process: “He didn’t pay any attention to me when I spoke to him. He must be mad. It’s probably because I said I didn’t want to go camping with him. Maybe if I make his favorite pie he’ll get over it.” And our story builds and snowballs. But do we know it’s true? We’ve believed our thoughts without questioning them.

Let’s say this woman catches her insanity and says to her guy, “You didn’t answer when I spoke to you, is something wrong?” And he says, “You spoke to me? Gosh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you said anything. I was so engrossed in fixing this thing that I didn’t even hear you.” Or maybe he does say he’s mad because you won’t go camping with him. Is that your problem to fix? You know he’s supposed to be mad because he is. You don’t need to change him or fix him. You may decide you don’t want to live in that tension, though, so you go shopping. Or eventually you may decide to find a different guy. But you don’t fall into mind traps that say this shouldn’t be this way.

We build stories in our minds because we’re interested in our thoughts. We think they’re real and they mean something. But they’re not and they don’t! All worries, doubts, problems and questions about dating only exist and make us suffer when we’re thinking about them. What do most of us do to relieve the suffering? Usually one of several things: 1) We try to change someone so they’ll be or do what we want. 2) We try to find some experiences to get our minds off the suffering. 3) We try to keep the mind silent, which is like saying, “Don’t think of pink elephants.”

The real answer to the end of emotional suffering is always to question and see what story you’ve got going that argues with reality. Never once will your stories win when they fight reality because reality is just what is. How can you argue with what already is? We just think it should be different, but does that have any effect on what is? Not for a second!

The world works as it works. Dates cheat. Partners lie. Women have affairs. Men say mean things. Is your situation any different? It’s just what is. The way the Masters have found to be always at peace and happy with life is to see that we’re part of its creation and not to form self-centered opinions and judgments about it. It seems too simple, but if we just settle back and relax, life is problem-free. In the end we might even let ourselves see that the me-personality doesn’t even exist. There is no independent person. That too is just a thought.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

257. Do you really know that what you believe about dating is true?

All psychological or emotional pain comes from believing our thoughts. We can get a good dose of emotional pain from dating because we’re putting ourselves out into the world and feeling pretty vulnerable. In that situation we’re an easy mark. So when your date doesn’t call right away, or says something you take as critical, it’s easy to feel hurt because we believe what our thoughts tell us about these scenes.

We keep going into the mind for answers to life because we believe our thoughts are true. But are they? What we call mind is really just the memory of things that happened. It’s a wonderful tool when you have to know how to tie your shoes or fry potatoes. It does its job exceedingly well.

However, since its job is to record and play back it also remembers many things it was fed based on our interpretations of life that aren’t true – things we picked up from our experiences or ideas we were taught by those around us. For example, let’s say you saw a stern look on your mom’s face when she was angry with you. You learned that when you saw that look from Mom you’d better “straighten up”, as my dad used to say.

But then one day you see a stern look on mom’s face because she’s worried that Dad isn’t home on time. You think she’s angry at you, though you don’t know what you did wrong. But it sticks in your mind from then on that you can’t trust yourself because you can make people angry without even knowing it. That might result in your being extra-sweet and honey-nice to keep people from being angry at you. The technique becomes a major part of your personality, and it’s all based on the memory of a misconception that you still take to be true.

I once had a conversation with a woman who was almost paralyzed when she saw a garter snake, though she’d been raised on a farm and knew they were harmless. It turns out her mom had been raised in a part of Italy where snakes could be deadly and she passed that belief on to her daughter. Even though this woman knew that garter snakes were harmless her deeper belief, learned from her mom, was still intact. She hadn’t fully questioned it to really unmask the lie she lived with all her life.

In dating and romance we put our hearts on the line and we can feel easily hurt. But any time you suffer it helps to just look and notice that your suffering comes from what you believe, not from what’s actually happening. We believe someone is angry at us when they’re not. We believe our life would be better if he called when he doesn’t. We believe she shouldn’t cheat on us when she does. Reality doesn’t lie. But when you think life should go your way when it doesn’t, you churn inside and hurt. Seeing life as it is you’re like a baby, just watching. No judgment no pain. Thoughts can come and go, we just don’t believe them any more once we see what's false through self-questioning.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

256. There’s one thing in your life that will make dating peaceful and happy always

Everything in the life we know is transitory, changing. We search for new experiences, new sensations, new objects, new loves – anything we think will make our lives happy. Yet every single time they fall short because every experience of happiness leaves us sooner or later, and it’s usually sooner. When it goes we’re back to the search again.

Psychologists tell us there are people who are addicted to romance, or to sex. They find a new romantic partner and in that first blush of romance they’re thrilled. But then the rose fades and they’re disappointed. So they’re off for a new romance. It’s a constant circle of win and lose for them. Relationships with any object, whether it’s a new plasma TV, a new car or a new partner, will always leave us wanting. The thrill is short-lived and transient. Nearly everyone on earth lives their whole lives on this wheel of win/lose, then win and lose again. We strive for something, get it, and then lose the joy it temporarily brought.

There’s good news, however, and it applies directly to dating. The good news is that there’s one thing in your life that has never changed and is always peaceful and happy because it doesn’t take us out on a search again. That one thing is awareness or what we could call presence. You have a sense of being present. You know you exist. That knowing you exist isn’t a thought or belief. You don’t have to think if someone says, “Do you know you are?” Through all the changes in your life – the physical, emotional, mental, and experiential changes – that sense of being, that knowing that we’re present, has never changed. It’s never been affected by any circumstance or experience.

That sense of being or simple awareness is who we all are. No one could say “I’m not” because even to say the words you’d have to “be”. But when we learned the idea that we’re a separate person who has control in life, that’s when our troubles began. “Being” just watches life without judgment, desire, opinion or interpretation. It’s what you feel when you’re immersed in gazing, without thought, at a sunset or mesmerized by a project you’re deeply engrossed in. Small babies live in this empty beingness all the time, never discontent unless they're physically uncomfortable.

The times when we’re in emotional pain over dating are the times when we think we’re in control and believe our thoughts – thoughts that something should be different. That’s why questioning and investigation is so useful. It helps us realize that we don’t really know the answers to life, even our life, which we thought we knew. Eventually we begin to see that anything we add to that awareness of “I am” is trouble. Because that’s when we start dividing things into two – man/woman, good/bad, lucky/unlucky, right/wrong, should/shouldn’t, good/evil, pretty/ugly, etc. Immediately we’re judging that life one way – our way of course – is good and the other way is bad. Even at the moment it looks good to us we only have to wait awhile and it’ll be bad. We all know this. This is nothing new to anyone. The moment we’ve created right we’ve also created wrong. With “good” we’ve created “bad”. But there’s no such thing, except in our thoughts. We put the labels on and then suffer because of them.

To be at peace, content, and happy is as simple as just noticing that every thought, experience, or object appears somehow. What does it appear in? It appears in the clear space of presence or being. The being/awareness is the silent, still background that allows for everything without judging or rejecting anything. We live in that natural state of being or presence when we just witness life as it is. The alternative is to follow thoughts and beliefs out into the world of wants and needs and that never-ending win/lose wheel.

Whenever you have a disturbing thought you already know, from direct experience, that it will change. The mind jumps from one thought to another like a monkey in a tree. But the empty, space-like awareness that allows for thought is never affected and is always content and happy. That’s your true nature and it can watch thoughts without sticking to them or believing them. How could they be real when they’re changing all the time? Their fickleness is proof of their falseness.

When you live in presence/awareness and bring that to a relationship you’ll always be happy, no matter what’s going on with the relationship. Because whatever is going on is just another changing object that appears in the never-changing, always-content beingness of life. That's called living happily and harmoniously with what is.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer