129. It’s too simple but it’s true: Change your thinking and your dating will be happy

That headline is a pretty radical statement isn’t it? It almost sounds stupid doesn’t it? You may think: How could my thinking change my dating experience when the problem is him (or her)? So if you’re in pain it’s obvious to you that it’s what the other person has done that’s causing that pain, right? But there’s a hitch: How come when you’re asleep and not dreaming there’s no suffering? Is it possible that the suffering only comes from thinking?

Throughout history wise folks who are sometimes called enlightened or awakened have been telling us that the only problems in life come when we believe and attach to thoughts that show up. We all know that from direct experience. That’s what happens when we worry. Let’s say someone doesn’t show up when they say they will. We start to worry they’ve been hurt in an accident, or mugged on the street. We can work ourselves into a frenzy and then they walk through the door. What was the cause of all the fury and frenzy if not our own thoughts? They had no reality in fact, yet because we believed them we were in a panic.

The same thing happens when we believe our thoughts about how life should be. Now really, how the heck do we know? In the scheme of things we’re just a tiny bubble put here for a very short blip of time. The universe has been in existence for who knows how long. And yet we start out knowing nothing and grow up to think we know how things should be? That’s crazy isn’t it?

Do we really know our date shouldn’t have left us for someone else? Do we know he should have called when he said he would? Do we know she shouldn’t be flirting with that other guy? Do we know there shouldn’t have been a Hurricane Katrina that leveled all those homes and killed all those people? No, when we look directly into our own experience we have to admit we don’t really know.

Yet we can suffer deeply by thinking dating should go “our” way instead of the way it is. The reality is that life just does what it does, and the sooner we see that all of it just flows (and we’re part of that flowing) the sooner we just relax and enjoy this moment. After all, this moment is all there is.

When you let thoughts go in the same way they came you’ll notice you don’t suffer. When you grab onto them, however, and believe them you automatically live out of those thoughts. Then you can suffer big time. For example, Janie should want to date you again because you know you could give her everything she wants? Well, if she says no to further dating obviously what you think is false. ‘What is’ always rules. You can’t ever successfully argue with reality. You lose every single time.

So… if we’re dating to be happy and we have our idea of what happiness is (finding the right woman or man) we’ll never be happy. Happiness isn’t ever based on someone else. On the other hand, if we just date for the joy of sharing time with someone we’ll be happy whether a particular “someone” is there or not. Maybe we’ll have a permanent relationship with someone and maybe we won’t. But that won’t dictate our happiness. Oh, I can almost hear your complaint now: “But that’s too simple!” I agree, it seems so. But give it a trial run and see for yourself. Drop your opinions and judgments for just a moment and see how that feels. Maybe a little more contented and peaceful?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

128. Dating in ‘bewilderment’ is much simpler than striving for ‘control’

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.
Cleverness is mere opinion,
bewilderment intuition.
~ Rumi

I saw this quote this morning in an online newsletter I get and it reminded me again how reluctant we are to give up control. “Buy bewilderment” the famous spiritual poet of the 13th century says. What’s that mean?

Many of the spiritual teachers I’ve known and read say words like, “Be willing to live in the unknown.” In other words, be willing to just relax into bewilderment, the place where you have no control.

Often, as I’ve dated in my 60s and now into my 70s, what I’ve noticed is that people suffer a lot because they think they can be in control. What Rumi is saying is not that you use an act of will to live in bewilderment but that when you see that your true nature is just BEING you also see that there’s no ‘one’ to have that opinion he speaks of. Without an opinion ‘you’ simply relax into ‘what is’, which is simply watching life unfold -- in bewilderment and an easy contentment

Another way of saying all this is to use the word ‘judgment’. Judging is trying to be in control. When our date or partner doesn’t do what we want, we judge her and say she should do it ‘our’ way. When the government doesn’t operate the way we want, we judge it and say it should be done ‘our’ way. Have you ever noticed that judging and having an opinion makes us suffer in some way? It may be slight, but there’s not an open, relaxing, loving welcoming of life when there’s judgment and opinion.

Dating at this age in life can really bring our judgment to the fore can’t it? It’s easy to think we’re running out of time and we want a partner before we die – and we want him NOW! But when we look into it we can see that our wants of the past often haven’t been met. When they were, it was luck, like winning at a slot machine. We get our way just often enough to think we’re in control.

There’s a lot of stress in trying to be in control and push life (including our dating partner) around all the time. Whenever something doesn’t go our way we think of it as a problem, and then we try to fix it, usually by wanting to change the other person. But what if our dating life or our dating partner is just the way it is, for no reason other than it just is? If we saw life that way we could live simply in the wonder and ease of bewilderment. There’s a great joy and love in that. If you wonder about that just close your eyes for a moment and picture your life if you simply saw everything as it is, without your opinion and judgment. You’d simply be living in the mystery and bewilderment of this moment. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? You can have it – now!

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer