277. If you stop judging you stop hurting and mature dating is then a fun adventure

All the pain in mature dating comes from one thing and one thing only – what we think about what’s happening. A happening itself doesn’t cause pain. It’s only when we think it shouldn’t be happening or it should be happening differently that we suffer. Whenever you find yourself thinking or saying words like “should”, “ought”, “right”, “wrong”, “good”, “bad”, etc. you know you’re judging. It’s all about thinking we’re right and the situation or other person is wrong.

The job of the mind is to prove it’s right. So it judges and compares and pits this thing against another thing. The Tao Te Ching, that ancient Chinese spiritual text, says, “When people see some things as good, other things become bad.” When you think someone’s words or behavior is bad you’re not open to see the good that can come from it. We seem to think that from our limited human perspective we can assess and judge what that Infinite wisdom is showing us.

Once we question our thoughts, however, we may see that what we think is wrong and bad is just something we’re not clear about. For example, let’s make up a story about Mary. Mary’s relationship ends and her friends and family are happy because they could see this wasn’t the right guy for her. But Mary didn’t choose to end the relationship and she’s heart-broken, only to realize months later that her friends and family had more clarity than she did. Now she’s glad things didn’t go her way after all. If she hadn't believed her thoughts that the relationship shouldn't have ended she wouldn't have suffered in the first place. Instead, she'd have been able to acknowledge the change in her life and simply watch the next thing show up, whatever it might be.

Believing our thoughts without question is a recipe for pain. Questioning shows us that reality is the way of life and maybe we really don’t have the “right” answers after all. Without our right/wrong thoughts and beliefs we’re left with seeing life as it is. And “as it is” is just life spreading itself out before us moment by moment, full of interesting surprises and miracles if we’re willing to see them.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

276. Was it true that sex too soon ended her relationship?

For many of us there’s a lot of stress in dating. In many cases it’s a new experience after being married or with a partner for years. Something has happened – death, divorce – and you’re single again. And now you’re in your 50s, 60s, 70s or more. You want to find a partner. You don’t want to live life without companionship, love and warmth. That’s a strong desire for you, especially now that you’re older.

Sad to say, that very desire is the beginning of a lot of trouble because we can easily think we have to be something special to be wanted or loved again. So, almost without realizing it, we begin to play the game of “make-believe”. We become inauthentic, trying to be someone we think is more acceptable. When we’re with a date we agree with things that in our hearts we don’t believe. We do things we don’t really feel is true to ourselves because we want love and approval. We’re trying to impress.

Reality, however, is that we are who we are. Each of us is given different personalities, different talents, different interests. We don’t have to try to be something we’re not. Acting is so stressful compared to “being”. “Being” is simply moving through life without effort, spontaneously, naturally, authentically – and happily.

Some years ago I met a woman who told me her story about a past relationship that ended. It was painful to her for a long time and she naturally questioned why it may have happened. What she concluded was that she got into a sexual relationship with this man too soon. “If only I had waited then probably this relationship wouldn’t have ended,” she said.

But since she was willing to explore the reality of those painful thoughts she realized, with some questioning, that she couldn’t know that her beliefs were true. In fact, she realized that the relationship ended not a moment too soon or too late. How did she know? She looked at reality and saw what happened. It’s like seeing that it’s raining outside. You know it should be raining because it is. You know anything should have happened because it did. Thoughts about it won’t change a thing. What is, is.

When we think we have to control how a relationship goes by being phony and false we’re living in a dream world. If a relationship ends it was supposed to end. If it continues that was meant to be. We can stop trying to be the “right person” for that wonderful man or woman we think we need in our lives. With some questioning we can even see that we obviously don’t need a relationship when we don’t have one. We think the right relationship would make us happy but can we know? Doesn’t that infinite, intelligence-energy that expresses as the universe seem to know what it’s doing? We could just trust life, live honestly and authentically, and be happy and relaxed in our dating. The ease of that is what I call dating fun.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer