278. We tend to blame ourselves but we can’t make a mistake in mature dating

You can’t make a mistake in mature dating. When there’s a problem in our relationship it’s easy to think it wouldn’t exist if only we hadn’t said or done something. I know that flies in the face of what many of us think. We think, “If only I hadn’t been so honest.” “I shouldn’t have disagreed with what she said.” “I made a mistake when I asked that other woman to dance.” It’s called regret.

If you’re feeling regret over some action you took or words you spoke in your relationship there’s a simple way to get past that pain. Ask yourself, “Could I have done better in the moment?” If the answer is no, what is there to regret? If the answer is yes, question yourself a little more. It may be that you’re holding on to a belief about what behavior is right or wrong, good or bad. But does that belief square with reality? Is it true in your own experience that at the moment you took the action you could have done better? Didn’t you do the best you knew at the time to get what you thought would be the best outcome for you?

Regret is a waste of energy and robs you of the chance to be peaceful and happy with this moment. It’s the memory of a belief that isn’t true. Could something be different than the way it was? Can you truly know it should have been different?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

267. Does body image keep you from dating freely and enjoying the experience?

If you’re just beginning to date again – or even if you’ve dated awhile now in your mature years - a major concern for you might be what you look like now that you’re older. You’ve got wrinkles and some sagging skin now. You don’t have the youthful look you did when you were dating earlier in life. You may have also gained some weight. People often have the feeling that they just wish they looked younger again, and they do everything possible to appear young.

That’s a stressful way to live, and if your concern with looks is always in the back of your mind when you’re with a date you’re probably not nearly as fluid and authentic as you’d be without those fears and beliefs.

There’s a simple way to dispel that worry; take a look at it and see what’s really true. If the story you’re telling yourself sounds like this: “I wish I looked younger.” Or “No one will be interested in me now that I’m older,” you can question those beliefs. Even the belief I’ve heard often, “Men only want younger women,” can be examined a bit. Is it true that men only want younger women? Is it true you’d be better off if you looked younger? Can you really, totally know that?

Reality is that everyone looks older as they get older. That’s the way the world works. And unless you have a fixed idea of what beauty or good looks is you can also see beauty and attractiveness in older people. Another reality is that it’s true, some men do want younger women. But do you know there are also women who want younger men? So what? Sometimes the sun shines and sometimes it’s cloudy too. That’s just the way of it, as a friend of mine says. Another reality is that every day seniors and mature daters strike up wonderful romantic relationships.

Remember, when we examine life closely we realize we don’t really know what’s best for us and we’re not running this show. If you’re supposed to be with a partner that’ll happen. If not it won’t, and your fears and thoughts about the why of it won’t make any difference, as they never have in the past.

Believing our self-doubting and inhibiting thoughts can make dating in these later years a stressful event. But without those false beliefs senior dating can also be a fascinating, unfolding mystery and a discovery of whole new worlds of love and caring.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

257. Do you really know that what you believe about dating is true?

All psychological or emotional pain comes from believing our thoughts. We can get a good dose of emotional pain from dating because we’re putting ourselves out into the world and feeling pretty vulnerable. In that situation we’re an easy mark. So when your date doesn’t call right away, or says something you take as critical, it’s easy to feel hurt because we believe what our thoughts tell us about these scenes.

We keep going into the mind for answers to life because we believe our thoughts are true. But are they? What we call mind is really just the memory of things that happened. It’s a wonderful tool when you have to know how to tie your shoes or fry potatoes. It does its job exceedingly well.

However, since its job is to record and play back it also remembers many things it was fed based on our interpretations of life that aren’t true – things we picked up from our experiences or ideas we were taught by those around us. For example, let’s say you saw a stern look on your mom’s face when she was angry with you. You learned that when you saw that look from Mom you’d better “straighten up”, as my dad used to say.

But then one day you see a stern look on mom’s face because she’s worried that Dad isn’t home on time. You think she’s angry at you, though you don’t know what you did wrong. But it sticks in your mind from then on that you can’t trust yourself because you can make people angry without even knowing it. That might result in your being extra-sweet and honey-nice to keep people from being angry at you. The technique becomes a major part of your personality, and it’s all based on the memory of a misconception that you still take to be true.

I once had a conversation with a woman who was almost paralyzed when she saw a garter snake, though she’d been raised on a farm and knew they were harmless. It turns out her mom had been raised in a part of Italy where snakes could be deadly and she passed that belief on to her daughter. Even though this woman knew that garter snakes were harmless her deeper belief, learned from her mom, was still intact. She hadn’t fully questioned it to really unmask the lie she lived with all her life.

In dating and romance we put our hearts on the line and we can feel easily hurt. But any time you suffer it helps to just look and notice that your suffering comes from what you believe, not from what’s actually happening. We believe someone is angry at us when they’re not. We believe our life would be better if he called when he doesn’t. We believe she shouldn’t cheat on us when she does. Reality doesn’t lie. But when you think life should go your way when it doesn’t, you churn inside and hurt. Seeing life as it is you’re like a baby, just watching. No judgment no pain. Thoughts can come and go, we just don’t believe them any more once we see what's false through self-questioning.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

243. Protecting yourself from potential romantic pain makes you a loser every time

During the years I’ve dated as a senior I’ve met more than several women who felt they had to protect themselves from being romantically hurt. To do that they’d hold back on sharing any real feelings for a guy. They wouldn’t hold hands when they felt like it, they were afraid to cuddle and kiss, and they tried to remain somewhat cool and aloof. They were almost trying to hide their interest in a guy even from themselves.

But does protecting ourselves from something that hasn’t happened and may never happen make sense? Unmet expectations would be the only reason a person would be hurt emotionally anyway. But why look to a future that’s made up purely in our thoughts? Now, in this very moment that’s already passed even before you can say the word “moment”, is the only time that exists.

Pictures of the past are only thoughts happening now. “Future” pictures can only show up now. Yet most of us live most of the time in our past and future thoughts and miss now, which is the only vital, alive moment there is. We’re hardly ever home. We hatch a future in our minds that we’ll be gut-wrenchingly torn apart because a romance doesn’t work the way we want it to. Then we invent a mechanism for dealing with that scene by protecting ourselves ahead of time. And it’s all just made up in our heads. It’s not real.

“Yes, but,” you say, (can’t you just hear it?) “I’ve been hurt before and it’s been excruciating. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I could barely function. I don’t want that to happen again.” That’s understandable. But the reason for that pain in the past was invalid. It doesn’t need to be that way in the future. In our innocence we’ve believed our thoughts that, for example, “if this person leaves my life it’ll be the end of my world.” But is that true?

With a little bit of understanding we can learn to question those thoughts that pop up out of nowhere. Do we really know this is the person for us? Are we absolutely sure? How do we live when we believe that myth we’ve created? Aren’t we miserable? Haven’t we been sure in the past and later realized our beliefs were wrong about many things? When we’re so sure we’ll be hurt or we need this guy or gal in our lives it feels so right because that’s what we think. Feelings always follow thoughts. Wake up in the first seconds of the morning before thoughts pop in and you’re not hurting at all.

What if you realize that this intelligent universe always rules. You can’t ever win by arguing with what already is. If someone leaves your life you’ve probably been spared. Thinking you know it should be your way would be the only cause of your pain. But flowing with the way things are you’re back in peace.

Not only is it unnecessary to protect yourself from future suffering that doesn’t ever need to be there, but when you do protect, you’re holding back the real. Your date or partner never has a chance to know you. You only give them a mask to know. How can that help a romance to flower?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

233. Stop giving yourself up in mature dating by seeing life as it really is

Any time we expect someone else to make us happy we’re going to suffer. When we think our partner is responsible for our happiness we often give ourselves up to that person so they’ll give us what we think we need. We make an unspoken bargain with them – I’ll give you this so I can have that. And what we expect from them they can never deliver because we’re the decider of what happiness is at any moment. Since that’s true how could someone else ever make us happy?

I know of a situation where a man brought his wife eggs and toast and she responded with: “Why do you give me eggs on a dinky, little plate like this?” Someone else, of course, would be happy that her husband was so thoughtful. Clearly, it wasn’t the action that made this woman unhappy. It was her thoughts and beliefs at the moment. Happiness never has anything to do with someone else.

Often we’re operating under two misconceptions in romantic relationships. First, we believe our partners can make us happy, and second we believe we have to manipulate them to get what we believe only they can give. But are those beliefs true? Just as someone else’s words can’t hurt us unless we choose to feel hurt, someone’s words and actions can’t make us happy unless we choose it.

I talked with a woman recently who told me she’s learning – in her mid-60s – “not to give myself away while I’m dating.” She has seen that she’s sometimes dishonest with herself and gives in to things she doesn’t want so she can get the love she think she needs. Then she doesn’t like herself very much of course.

Giving ourselves away isn’t self-love. No wonder we think we need to have someone else give us love. Since we’re not giving it to ourselves where else will we get it? Seeing it this way it may be clearer that we love ourselves when we stop long enough to see what’s true. Seeing life as it is, is seeing reality. It’s when we think it should be our way and we try to manipulate and control things to get our way that we suffer. If you don’t win the love and approval of the person you thought would give that to you, have you lost anything? No, that’s the way things are.

You can never win when you argue with reality. After all, do we really, really know things should be our way rather than the way they are? How do we deal with it when we see that we’re resisting what is? By investigating, asking some questions, looking inside: “Is it true I need love from any other person?” What price am I paying when I bargain and give in because I believe that thought?”

The most important relationship we’ll ever have is our relationship with our own thoughts and beliefs. They’re the single cause of our psychological suffering, and seeing through them to the reality that is, is the only way to end that suffering. Living with our stories – those thoughts and beliefs – will kill happiness and kill relationships because our stories and fairy tales cause us to be dishonest, manipulative and controlling. No relationship can happily thrive under those conditions.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

232. Look and truly see… do you really need their approval?

When we’re children we learn to define ourselves by what other people think of us. We get praise from parents, teachers and other authorities when we do what they want. And we get criticized when we don’t.

Unfortunately as grownups, even in our 50s, 60s and beyond, we’re still trying to get others to approve of us, especially when we’re meeting and dating. “Will he like my hair?” “Is this color too bright?” "What if she’s dressed up and I’m wearing jeans?” “Gosh, maybe I shouldn’t have let her know I’m not always the confident guy I may appear to be.” It’s as though we’re saying to everyone, “Please like me so I can think I’m okay. Don’t disapprove of me because then I’m worthless.” That sounds like a silly exaggeration doesn’t it? But take a real look, if you’re interested.

Living with the need for approval takes so much energy and is so stressful. Worse, when we need approval so badly we can’t be our natural selves, so the person we’re with never gets to see the real “me”. We’re working so hard at doing it right that we’re being phony – sometimes so phony we hate ourselves later for giving in to what we didn’t want just to get approval.

While it’s easy to see how we got into the habit of thinking we need approval, it’s also easier than you might think to break it. All you need to do is question that habitual belief. If you look into it deeply you’ll probably see that what someone thinks of you has nothing to do with what you think of yourself. That is, unless you believe it matters. It’s all your own belief. You need someone’s approval, is that true?

I’ll throw in a little warning here: People often hear that investigating and seeing reality is the whole answer and they say, “Aw, it couldn’t be that simple.” If you’re thinking that I invite you to give it a try. Honestly look deep into the matter and see what’s really true for you.

Without that old belief think how much lighter and easier life would be. You’d just move smoothly and spontaneously through life, taking what comes, including anyone’s opinion about you. After all, they have a right to their opinions. And for them their opinions are right. But those opinions have nothing – not one thing – to do with you. If you really examine that carefully and see through the myth you’ve believed all your life it’ll be hard to be concerned about what anyone else thinks. You’re free then, and dating can be just a fun adventure.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

231. Dating is painful when we believe our stories instead of seeing the truth

When dating or relationships cause us pain – and they often do – we usually feel sure that the source of that pain is the other person. “If he hadn’t…” “If she would only…” We can nearly always point at our date or partner as the reason why we’re hurting. After all, “He’s the one who lied to me,” or “She’s the one who secretly dated other guys.” So it goes against everything we know to hear that the only source of our emotional suffering – ever – is that we argue with reality. We think “what is” should be different. And the problem is, it isn’t different.

But let’s investigate life a bit and see what’s real. We say, “Jane shouldn’t have cheated on me.” But reality is that Jane did what she did and we label it cheating. Trying to argue with that or make Jane wrong is just asking for a lot of pain. The way life actually is, people sometimes cheat. Have you ever cheated in your life? That’s the way it is. That’s reality.

When we try to play God and say it shouldn’t be that way we’re going to hurt. Yes, I know, it’s easy to say that any good person would agree that Jane shouldn’t have cheated on you. That’s the way most of us have been taught to believe. But belief in a lie doesn’t make it the truth. The truth is that people cheat and in this case Jane cheated. “Cheating” is the story or label we’ve attached to her actions. And that story may not even be true.

Can you say she shouldn’t have dated someone else? What’s the reality? She did, right? Can you say it shouldn’t have rained today. What’s the reality? It did. Without adding our story that’s just what happened, and since the power that shows up as this world seems a lot more intelligent than we are maybe we could just trust that it knows what it’s doing. Seeing reality without adding our story isn’t painful. It’s just seeing reality, like seeing the sun.

It’s when we argue with reality that we suffer psychologically. Put another way, it’s our judgments that life should be our way that cause us pain. Yet, if you notice, no amount of judging you’ve ever done has ever changed what is. Any judgment that makes reality wrong and wants it to be different causes us stress because it’s a lie that opposes the way things are. Seeing without judgment goes along with the way things are, and we’re content and peaceful.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

227. Questoning your thoughts can bring relief from mature dating pain

“Is that true?” “Can I absolutely know that it’s true?” Those are the first of four questions Byron Katie offers in the simple process of investigating our thoughts that she calls The Work. Those questions, or any other deep questioning of your thoughts, will prove almost magical when you’re feeling stuck or hurting as you’re dating in these senior and mature years of life.

The reason a few simple questions are so powerful is that they make us stop and see reality, which is just the way things are. We’ve all heard of people who express thoughts like:

• I really need a partner.
• If he loved me he’d do what I want.
• It’s better to settle for him than to be alone.
• Love never lasts anyway.
• If I tell him how I truly feel he’ll be mad (or hurt).
• I don’t want to hurt her.
• If he really cared he’d know what I want.
• If I get angry enough she won’t do that again.
• If I do what he wants, even when I don’t want to, he’ll do what I want too.
• This bothers me but I won’t say anything because I don’t want to cause trouble.

Maybe you’ve even believed thoughts like this yourself. But are any of them, or a thousand more you could ask, really true? Is it really true you need a partner, for instance? I once knew a woman who said she got into one unhappy relationship after another simply because she believed that thought. She was unable to see that the relationship wasn’t right for her because she thought she needed to have a man. Eventually, though, each connection unraveled anyway, she told me, and she’d be off desperately grasping at the next wrong man because she thought she needed someone.

Every belief we have about relationships can be questioned. Many times you realize that, even though you’ve believed it all your life, what you think just isn’t true. With questioning you don’t have to try to use will power to change yourself. All you do is see reality and change happens automatically. It’s no different than walking down the road to get water from a mirage. You only have to see once that there’s no water there, and never again will you pick up a bucket and head for a mirage. It doesn’t take will power. It simply takes seeing what is.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

222. The core thought that can make a hell out of senior dating is the I-thought

When you think about the times when you’re hurting in the mature dating world you’ll notice that it’s only when you believe something should be different – the way you’d like it to be instead of the way it is.

Thoughts come all the time. Have you noticed that even though we say “I’m thinking” we really have no control over the thoughts that show up? But thoughts aren’t the problem. They’re just part of the way this world functions, obviously. The problem is that we grab onto thoughts and believe them and think they’re right while believing the way things are, is wrong. But how could that be? The way things are is just the way things are. How can we argue with what already is? You can’t fight reality and ever expect to win.

Have you also noticed that the present never has any problems? The problem is always thoughts – thoughts about the past or the future. But do they take place in the past or future? No, they take place only in the present. There’s no such thing as past or future. If you couldn’t think you wouldn’t have a past or future and you wouldn’t have suffering.

The core thought that’s the basis for all suffering is the simple thought “I”. Every problem we have starts with “I” or “me” or “mine”. When we see that this I-thought is just a thought and really doesn’t have control then all the other thoughts associated with “I”, such as what I like or want or don’t want… all those thoughts just drop away because they’ve started with an “I” that’s not even real.

We’ve been taught how the world works and how we have control and must run our lives appropriately. But reality, when you look, shows you that everything appears out of nothing and goes back to that. That void or nothingness has to be the basis for everything that shows up. We can call it Source or God or the Absolute. Knowing it’s the basis for everything we can just relax and trust that that God-Power can take care of things just as it always has. We don’t have to pay attention to the painful I-thought and all that goes with it.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer