97. Don’t try to cover the earth in leather, just wear shoes

How do you know when you have a problem in your dating relationship? It’s easy, you’re hurting emotionally. Even though we think of relationships as a “we” kind of partnership there really is no such thing as “we”. That’s just a word describing two people. And that’s the key, it’s always two people, two individuals each with their own thoughts and feelings. Any problem any of us ever has is always a solo affair: “I hurt”.

Often people feel victimized by their partner in a relationship. “If she would only change then I wouldn’t have to hurt,” is the way it seems. But as long as we look to the other to make us happy we’re always victims. We’re like a yo-yo on a string – up, down, up, down.

Solving problems in a relationship is always about coming back to your own peace, no matter what’s going on with your partner. If you approach a problem in the relationship with the idea that you have to fix it and make the relationship continue you’ll find you’re trying to take responsibility for a “we” that doesn’t even exist.

You can only be responsible for your own clarity and you really can’t do a thing about the other person. He may want to inquire into his own behavior and views of life so that judgments can drop or not. But if you expect him to do that or demand that he do that so you can have the relationship you want you’re pressuring and manipulating him and you’re also leaving yourself in pain.

The question of bringing peace to the world was once asked of the great Indian sage Ramana Maharshi. The maharshi, realizing the questioner was not at peace within himself said, “You’re like the man who wants to cover the earth in leather rather than just wear shoes.” In other words, take care of your own peace first, then you have peace to give.

In relationships it’s the same, I notice. When we take care of our own peace we can come to our partner from a place of love, not a place of manipulation or resentment or judgment. We don’t know what causes another person to say or do what they do. We do know, however, that what’s happening is reality at the moment. If we see it as simply “what is” in life at that time we’re no longer fighting and resisting life. It’s the natural way to peace.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

96. To keep him she did what he asked but lost her freedom

It’s not unusual at this mature stage of life, to have a strong desire for another partner. Some of us have been with a partner virtually our whole adult lives and now, through death or divorce, we find ourselves alone again. There seems to be good reason why those who have studied relationships say it’s a good idea not to get too involved too fast. If we do we may be operating from need rather than a natural instinct to simply share life with someone. And need is nearly always manipulative.

That was true of a friend of mine a few years ago. Judy is a very attractive, well-educated, bright and articulate women in her 60s who was dating a man a few years ago. This guy, who was among the socially elite and who was around her age, apparently wasn’t what I’d call emotionally mature. His apparent insecurities propelled him to ask Judy not to have contact with any other men, even her male friends who were just buddies.

I found out about this when I placed numerous calls to her just to chat, as we often did, and got no responses. I began to wonder if she was sick or something. Finally I got a short call telling me she had agreed not to communicate with any other men and she was honoring that comittment she’d made.

I was actually stunned because I’d always seen Judy as quite independent and self-reliant. But obviously she was willing to give up her freedom to be herself to get the approval of this man. The relationship didn’t last too long, which isn’t surprising, because the guy proved to be controlling in other ways also. But the point I saw so clearly is how easy it is for us to think we need someone in our lives and think we can squelch our natural ways by giving ourselves up to get that someone.

That’s a high price to pay. Desire has its other side which is disappointment. If you think something or someone will make you happy you’re bound to feel that disappointment. Happiness doesn’t come from getting something. We feel it when, for a short time after we’ve attained something, there’s no wanting, no pressure to be on the move looking for the next thing to make life exciting or acceptable.

Next time you feel a strong need to have someone in your life you might consider questioning that desire. Can you really know that would make you happy? Is it possible the Universe is giving you exactly what you need if you simply witness what happens in life without trying to make life go your way? This phantom “I” that we think we are really doesn’t exist and isn’t running this show we call “me”.

The thought, “I’m doing…” or “I’m deciding…” is really only a thought. Doing happens as the One Spirit expresses itself AS a person called Mary or Chuck and it’s easy to assume we’re the doers. But hearing happens before you think “I hear” and seeing happens before you have the thought “I see”. Since the Universe is breathing you, beating your heart, hearing and seeing you, maybe it’s also on the right track in terms of when you should have a partner in your life. Trust and acceptance may give you a lot of peace, and a chance to just date and have fun while being your natural self, without pretense and without giving yourself away.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

95. Change is the mystery of Christmas morning, so drink it in

Security is a big issue for most of us. Beyond the desire to feel secure about the basics of life, of course, I’m talking about emotional security. We’re alone and dating in these mature years and a high priority in that effort is to find the right man or woman. We think our happiness will be secure if only this man will notice me, if only this woman will marry me. But have you noticed that life really doesn’t dish out security?

Yesterday I was in a local Costco store being helped by a guy with two prosthetic legs. He was probably in his late 30s or so and had a wonderful, warm personality. He spent quite a bit of time with my friend and me and since the conversation was easy and friendly I asked, at the end, what happened to his legs.

It turns out he had been getting something from the trunk of his car along a freeway two years ago when a driver, later found to be high on drugs, lost control of his car and smashed into him. In one instant he was changed from a healthy, young, active husband and father to a legless man who uses a wheelchair, and a cane to sometimes walk. He’s living proof that there is no security for any of us.

Reality is that Life expresses itself through us as it does through the weather. The IT we refer to in “It’s raining” is the same IT that breathes our lungs, grows our hair, digests our food, and lives our lives. IT expresses itself as a thunder shower and as an apparent man I call me. IT expresses as a happy relationship or an argument.

So when we seek security instead of just trusting that all will happen as it needs to happen, we can never be happy because happiness is always out there in the future somewhere. It’s never here, now. There’s another aspect of this that’s even more insidious and prevents happiness. Let’s say you’re finally out with that man you wanted to date. You’ve gone out several times now and you really enjoy his company. Then you start to think of the future. Will this last? Will he continue seeing me? Will this lead to a committed relationship? Maybe marriage?

You’ve lost happiness again because your need for security brings on what I call futurizing. You’re denying yourself even the pleasure of this moment. Right now you’re out with a delightful man and you can fully experience the joy of that – if you let yourself. But instead you start thinking about how life always changes. This evening will end. Maybe this relationship will end. You can’t afford to just fall into the pleasure of the moment totally because you know it’s going to change. Instead, you want security, as though that were possible.

The wise person, seeing life as it really is, knows that true living means fully accepting that things come and go – always. Life isn’t a stagnant, dead pond. It’s an alive, spontaneous, ever-flowing river of change that you can never capture in a bucket. With that understanding you can see that the present moment, whatever that moment is, is a moment in eternity, never to be again. The wise person can then step into it fully, without reservation, and drink from that fully alive water, without trying to stop it or put it in a box. With that approach you forget trying to set up a security that can never be. Instead, there can be just fully accepting “what is”, as well as accepting that this “what is” will be gone and there will be a new “what is” in the next instant.

There’s an old saying: You can never step into the same river twice. Not only is the river changing moment by moment but so are you. You’re not the same person and it’s not the same river. When you surrender to life you can jump with both feet into whatever experience there is. Drink it in fully, eat it with both hands. Don’t hold back. Because the only moment there can ever be happiness is this very moment. Why pass it by because you think real happiness will be in the future or because you’re afraid to drink it in fully for fear of losing it? Change is the mystery of Christmas morning. Drink that in too.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

94. Some people, like fire and gas, just don’t go together – and no one is wrong

As a mature dater you’re probably aware that some relationships, no matter how hard you try, just don’t work out. It could be a relationship with people at work. Or you may have had conflict with a particular neighbor. And it has happened to many of us by this age that we just couldn’t make it work with the one we chose to spend our lives with, the one we were committed to in the deepest way.

Maybe even today you’re in a relationship that seems to have conflict. And yet you know that the person you’re with is a fine, wonderful, loving human being. You want it to work. You know it should work. You feel it’s supposed to be. But... it isn’t happening.

Reality is Truth. And Truth doesn’t care about what’s supposed to be or what looks like it should be. It only operates in the reality of what is. And that reality is that we’re all born with different inherent characteristics. If you’ve had children you know that. I have six childen and when they were little I was amazed at how different each was (and still is) from the other. Different personalities. Different sensitivities. Different ways of expression, and more.

So the reality is that some personalities and some sets of characteristics just don’t blend well. It’s like fire and gas. Put them together and you’ve got an explosion – every time. You can send the fire to therapy to learn to relate better, and the gas could go to the best spiritual guru on the planet to learn spiritual depth. It doesn’t matter. Put the two together and there will never be harmony. There will always be an explosion.

But is there anything wrong with the element of fire by itself? No, it’s perfect just the way it is. Gas is also perfect just the way it is. It’s only in the wrong combination that there are problems. Put fire with wood and it works perfectly. Put gas in an engine and that combination is perfect. But together? – never.

It’s the same in relationships. No matter how spiritually or emotionally evolved we are, there are some people that – as wonderful and loving as they are – we just don’t click with. It doesn’t mean anyone is bad or wrong, and you can verify that for yourself. I’m sure you’ve met men or women whose spouses have left them and you say to yourself, “That’s such a fine, wonderful person, how could anyone even think about leaving them?” Yet it’s happened.

We sometimes get the idea that if we’re really good and really on a path of emotional maturity or spiritual growth, we shouldn’t have problems with people any more. What’s the reality? Do good people have trouble with good people? Yes, of course. It happens all the time. What does it mean? It means just one thing, and one thing only: those two people don’t work well together. It’s simple. It doesn’t take a lot of analyzing and it certainly doesn’t mean you should beat yourself up because you can’t seem to get along with someone.

It only means there’s a difference. When nature puts together a certain combination of heat and wind forces there’s lightning. Is it bad? No, it’s just natural. When you’re with someone and you’re triggered into frustration and annoyance why not just accept that obviously you two don’t belong together? You don’t have to make anyone wrong. There’s no need to blame. It’s just a matter of realizing the truth. Does it work? No. Will it ever work? No. So be apart from that person and love them and allow them to be, recognizing that their characteristics and personality are theirs and your are yours and there’s never a need to make them work together. There are six billion people on this planet. Go choose another one.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer