214. She built her own penalty box and put herself in it, but blamed him

A few years ago my friend Miles was dating a woman in her mid-60s that he really cared about. He said she was a kind, wonderful woman who was fun to be with and had an easy-going, cheerful manner. The only problem was that she’d sometimes get hurt easily and react with anger and withdrawal. Later she’d feel sad after she saw that her emotional outbursts came from her insecurities and that Miles wasn’t the problem.

When they talked about how he felt about her anger and hurt Miles told her honestly that he wasn’t comfortable with it and he was reluctant to get into a deeper relationship with her. She said she was working to understand herself and he replied that he’d like to continue to date and just watch to see how things played out. But that also hurt her and she referred to his watching statement as, “You’ve put me in a penalty box and now I have to wonder how long you’ll keep me there before you let me out.”

For Miles it was clear he had nothing to do with putting her in a penalty box or anywhere else. He knew he didn’t have the power to do that, nor did he have any interest in it. He was simply living his life and watching how things unfolded between them. This is a perfect example of how thoughts can build stories that seem as real as events in a dream.

We say things like, “Boy, she sure put him in his place.” But that’s never true, of course. We only put ourselves in a place and then believe it’s real. This woman had obviously mentally created her own penalty box and put herself in it, thinking she was a slave and Miles was her slave-keeper. Apparently it seemed as real to her as prison bars.

No matter how we cut it, no one ever has the power to control our thoughts or feelings about anything. The moment we start hurting while thinking it’s someone else’s fault we’re at a fork in the road. We can either irrationally blame someone and be a victim or we can see that only we control how we feel and take responsibility for buying into crazy thoughts. Guess which choice breaks down the non-existent walls of the penalty box and brings us back to peace.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

213. Ending the discouragement and heartache of mature dating is as simple as seeing life the way it is

At first it’s difficult for nearly everyone to even begin to consider, let alone embrace, the ideas we’re sharing in the articles in this blog. “Leave things alone? Let life be just the way it is? How could I do that? If I don’t take care of things for myself, who will?” These are the kinds of thoughts we have about this way of viewing life. I know. I’ve been there. And I’ve sat in countless meetings over many years where people, in dialogue with someone sharing true understanding, have asked these same questions.

Yet, this way of seeing life is ancient. Those wise ones over the ages who drew followers because of the calm, happy way they lived have been saying the same thing: Recognize that life just is the way it is and leave it alone. Notice that some Infinite Intelligence seems to know what it’s doing.

Since dating in our mature or senior years can often be so stressful and we can feel so hurt when our hopes and expectations are dashed finding clarity can be heaven on earth. It can be the end of heartache and suffering for those able to give up old concepts and be open to a new way of seeing.

The opening words of the Hsin Hsin Ming, words from a Chinese master of centuries ago, sum up the teachings well:

The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When love and hate are both absent everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the smallest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the truth then hold no opinion for or against. The struggle of what one likes and what one dislikes is the disease of the mind.

It’s only due to our habit of accepting and rejecting that we don’t see the true nature of things, the way life actually is. Stop judging and we realize that ease, happiness, and peace have been with us all along. We simply had covered it with our “shoulds” and “oughts”.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

212. Why does she feel hurt and lash out? 'What?’ questions lead her to peace

Mature dating often turns out to be like a mirror, reflecting back to us who we are in our most insecure and fearful states. Sometimes we don’t like what we see. We may notice we strike out with hurtful, cutting words at times, when we’ve always thought of ourselves as a kind person, for instance. It doesn’t feel good to see that, so it’s natural to start questioning: Why do I do that? Why do I say hurtful things?

I’ve spent a lot of time asking “why?” questions in the past. At one point in my life I spent countless hours over about four years in a psychologically-based program designed to do just that – trace back my feelings and reactions to their so-called roots: “Oh, I see, I feel this and react that way because my dad criticized me when I was nine years old.” As I’ve now seen the way life actually is, I know why that method only worked temporarily.

What I’ve seen is that “why?” questions are the wrong questions. The mind loves chewing on questions like that because it gets to play with them for years and never find an answer. There is no cause for events. Any cause can be traced back to another cause, and then another and another: “Why did I feel that way? It’s because my dad said this to me. Why would he say that? He didn’t know any better because he was raised by an abusive mom. Why was she like that? Well, she was orphaned when she was six so she really didn’t know how to parent…” and on and on we go through the generations, to the beginning of time. The question “why?” only gives our minds a fertile playground to create ever more pain and confusion. Even if you think you know why it doesn’t help much.

There’s another type of question that’s a powerful tool to see the truth, however. That question is “what?”. “What?” doesn’t involve the mind at all. It only invokes pure, objective seeing, without interpretation, without judgment, without evaluation, without opinion – without anything. When you’re looking at “what” you’re viewing reality as a camera does, just taking in what it sees, without discrimination. With a “what?” question we’re looking only to see “what is”.

Let’s say your partner, Ray, has lunch with Linda, his long-time friend. You think he shouldn’t spend time with another woman so you’ve lashed out at Ray and you’re hurting. But “what” actually happened? Reality, without your story, is just that Ray had lunch with Linda. You probably wouldn’t have a problem with that if you weren’t feeling threatened. In fact, without your insecurity you could enjoy the fact that Ray had a nice time at lunch with an old friend.

“What?” helps you see the truth. If you want to get rid of your hurt and jealousy ask “what?” questions: “What’s the reality of this event? Does Ray have a right to have lunch with whoever he wants, just as I do? Does my jealousy and anger solve anything? Has it ever worked? Is Ray still with me, even after having lunch with Linda?” Notice that in all these questions you’re really just looking at “what’s” true. “What?” will always take you to clarity and peace when you simply see and allow life to be the way it is. “Why?” will always keep you spinning.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

211. The therapist even agreed that she hurt his feelings but is that possible?

Seeing life clearly isn’t always easy. Our conditioning is pretty strong. One of the things it seems we’ve all learned is that other people are often responsible for our feelings. “He hurt my feelings,” – or variations of that lament – is a common refrain.

The other day I read the opening of an advice column on relationships written by a couple, both trained as therapists – one a Ph.D. and the other an M.A. Here’s how a small portion of the dialogue went:

QUESTION: I told my husband of seven years (we have been together for a total of 15 years) that I was bored with our sex life. Now he is mad at me because I hurt his feelings….
ANSWER: …We're sure you didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but you surely did.

Really? She “surely did” hurt his feelings? I was surprised
that these well-educated counselors both agreed that this woman was responsible for her husband’s hurt feelings. When you look at reality and see the truth, though, how could that be? Could I get into the head of someone and click a switch that makes him decide to be hurt by something I said? I just don’t have that power. We always decide for ourselves whether to feel hurt or not.

Why is it important to be clear about that? Because living a peaceful, happy life comes when we deal honestly with reality, in all its forms. If I think I’m responsible for someone else’s feelings, those feelings include their happiness and their misery. That’s a huge burden I’ve taken on myself. Can I honestly do anything that would guarantee my partner’s happiness? No, of course not. Our feelings – our happiness – are always an inside job. Why try to play that role for someone else when you know you can never succeed? It doesn’t mean we won’t be kind. It doesn’t mean we won’t choose words thoughtfully if we know someone else may hurt their own feelings by what we say. But we’re never responsible, any more than we’re responsible for the weather.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer