223. Relationships can’t have a problem, only you can

Mature dating can be a great teacher. It often forces us to look at things we might have overlooked because it brings up painful feelings we can’t ignore. Years ago I was in a relationship that wasn’t working, yet my partner wasn’t willing to get any help to improve it. At the time I had no idea I could get help without her. So I lived in what I thought was a painful relationship.

I’ve since seen that no relationship ever has a problem because “relationship” isn’t a thing. It’s a word describing how two people get along. So any problem can only be within one or both of the people. If you’ve got a problem relationship and you’re hurting, you’re the one who has a problem. The proof is that you’re hurting. Your partner may be hurting too but you can’t do anything about that.

We’ve grown up learning to judge and blame, and that’s especially our tendency in relationships. When we do that, however, we’re victims of our own thinking. We’re saying, “If my partner would change I could be happy.” That’s not only hopeless but even if there is a change, something else will always come along and you’ll see yourself as a victim again. Without blaming and judging you get another picture, however. When you don’t put the onus on someone else you simply see life as it is: Your partner is doing what they’re doing and you’re deciding it should be different and making yourself hurt.

Now there’s some clarity. Since everyone has a right to be who they are, just as we do, do we really need them to change? No. We can either choose to stay and accept them as they are or leave. Neither choice has anything to do with our partner. We can ask them to change a behavior and whether they do it or not is their choice. In simple terms, our problem is always our stuff! Only we are ever responsible for our feelings. What our partners do is none of our business.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

222. The core thought that can make a hell out of senior dating is the I-thought

When you think about the times when you’re hurting in the mature dating world you’ll notice that it’s only when you believe something should be different – the way you’d like it to be instead of the way it is.

Thoughts come all the time. Have you noticed that even though we say “I’m thinking” we really have no control over the thoughts that show up? But thoughts aren’t the problem. They’re just part of the way this world functions, obviously. The problem is that we grab onto thoughts and believe them and think they’re right while believing the way things are, is wrong. But how could that be? The way things are is just the way things are. How can we argue with what already is? You can’t fight reality and ever expect to win.

Have you also noticed that the present never has any problems? The problem is always thoughts – thoughts about the past or the future. But do they take place in the past or future? No, they take place only in the present. There’s no such thing as past or future. If you couldn’t think you wouldn’t have a past or future and you wouldn’t have suffering.

The core thought that’s the basis for all suffering is the simple thought “I”. Every problem we have starts with “I” or “me” or “mine”. When we see that this I-thought is just a thought and really doesn’t have control then all the other thoughts associated with “I”, such as what I like or want or don’t want… all those thoughts just drop away because they’ve started with an “I” that’s not even real.

We’ve been taught how the world works and how we have control and must run our lives appropriately. But reality, when you look, shows you that everything appears out of nothing and goes back to that. That void or nothingness has to be the basis for everything that shows up. We can call it Source or God or the Absolute. Knowing it’s the basis for everything we can just relax and trust that that God-Power can take care of things just as it always has. We don’t have to pay attention to the painful I-thought and all that goes with it.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

221. “Out there” is never a problem in mature dating, it’s always “in here”

A friend of mine told me the other day about a bumper sticker she saw. It applies perfectly to the source of suffering in mature dating. It read, “Reality is not what you think!”

In just a few words that line sums up what we’ve been talking about here. Reality, or what actually is, has nothing to do with thought. What our senses register about the world just as it is, is reality. There’s no emotional pain in that at all.

What causes us to hurt in senior dating is the thinking that gets added to reality. Many times we don’t simply see reality, or “what is” just as it is. Instead we add judgments to what is: “He should call me.” “She should have told me the truth.” “They shouldn’t do that.” “I’m getting older and I should find someone soon.” But in all those cases reality is just the way things are. It’s always our opinions, interpretations and judgments that cause us to suffer. Without that, there is no suffering. There’s just reality and our awareness of it.

And if this seems confusing, reading further in this blog may help. I invite you to remember one thing, however, and that’s this. We’re ALWAYS the source of our own pain. The problem is never “out there;” it’s always “in here” – in our thoughts.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer