146. Desire is fixating on an idea that can make dating miserable

Our lives, the sages and masters tell us, are largely unhappy because of our attachment to our desires. That certainly used to be my life. It’s pretty easy, as we date in our mature years, to feel a lot of stress and anxiety over not having our desires met. Why? One reason may be because we see we’re not immortal. We’re not going to be here forever. And there’s the idea, for many, that “I don’t want to die before I experience…” whatever it is they want. We can end up putting a lot of pressure on ourselves. There’s often a sense of desperation.

But reality says we don’t really even know that our desire, for a relationship in this case, will bring the happiness we seek. You can check that out in your own experience. How many times have you wanted something and gotten it only to realize that it didn’t take long for a new desire to pop up? If what we wanted had been satisfying we’d be satisfied as long as that thing or condition continued in our lives.

Desire is simply the fixation of the mind on an idea. Let me say that again: Desire is the fixation on an idea. We’re putting a lot of time into futurizing, thinking we know what’s best for our lives. It all leads back to thinking there’s a ‘me’ who can control things. Yet a little investigation shows us that there is no such thing as a ‘me’ running this show. ‘Me’ is just a thought. Drop the idea that ‘you’ can control things and simply flow in the happening of right now and – what do you know? – there’s happiness. It’s been waiting in the wings all the time for us to stop long enough to know it. It’s simply that uncaused joy of life and living, unfolding moment by moment. You live in it the moment you’re in the moment – all those times when you’re not fixating on desires and futures.

Dating isn’t much fun when you’re seeking a result. Then we’re always measuring whether this date experience is getting us to our goal. But without a goal dating is just enjoying being with someone. If something develops and that someone becomes a romantic partner, wonderful! If not, it wasn’t meant to be. Either way, when you’re relaxed and without an agenda you can have fun in dating.

Next time you think you know what’ll make you happy, and you’re pushing hell-bent to get it (or him or her!), ask yourself if you’re really, really sure. Do you actually know what’s best for you? Or is it possible that the One Infinite Intelligence that is the power behind all things knows better? Could it even be possible that the One is expressing itself as our idea that there’s a ‘me-in-control-here’? Hmmm!

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer