9. You're hurting? Question your thoughts

We’re talking about mature dating here. But what we’re really talking about is finding happiness. We think if we have love we’ll be happy. Or if we feel secure and wanted we’ll be happy. We think someone should be there for us on lonely nights or if we get sick, or want a companion to travel with. With these thoughts feelings come up – the emptiness, the longing, the ache in the pit of the stomach. Notice that all these feelings start first with thoughts. We don’t control thoughts; they come unbidden. But when we see that we don’t control them, and therefore we don’t own them, we also don’t need to become attached to them. We see, if we look at our own experience, that they come and go, like a leaf in a stream.

When I’m in a grocery story I often notice babies in the carts of their parents. I’m a father of six kids myself so I have memories of my own small children. What you’ll see, if you watch a baby, is that they’re not affected by the world unless they’re personally uncomfortable – cold, hungry, needing to be changed, etc. You might have heard that the bible quotes Jesus as saying, “Unless you become like little children you won’t enter the kingdom of heaven.” He also said, “The kingdom of heaven is within you.” What was he talking about? As I now see life it’s obvious he was saying that unless you simply let the world be as it is, you won’t be able to just be in the heaven within you. Joy and peace is our true nature. We know that when thoughts subside, such as when we’re peacefully watching a sunset or we're totally in the moment holding a baby. But we cover our true nature with all our thoughts about how things “should” be. We want it our way. Babies don’t have that need. They take it as it is.

Of course when we want things our way that means we’re not accepting them the way they are. There’s conflict and resistance. And what do we feel? We suffer. We’re anxious, lonely, jealous, fearful, confused. Yet we really do feel sure that we know how things should be: After all, everyone knows your grown children should be nice to you, your date shouldn’t stand you up, and you should have a partner because you have soooo much love to give. We just know how it should be. But do we really? What's the reality? Are grown children always nice to their parents? Sometimes they're not. That's the way it is, isn't it? If you argue with that reality aren't you always going to lose? Is your "should-ing" about it going to change it? Aren't you going to hurt thinking life shouldn't be the way it is? Maybe our job here is just to relax with “what is”, trusting that higher power and surrendering to life as it is. Maybe our teacher is that next happy, curious, content baby we see, looking wide-eyed and peaceful in that grocery cart.

8. You've tried to change yourself, now try seeing "what is"

You may have noticed that my discussion of turning dating disappointment into dating adventure has nothing to do with changing yourself. It’s really all about seeing life clearly. There are a couple of examples used by spiritual masters to help explain this. You may have heard them. One is the story of the snake and the rope.

A man is walking a path in a land where there are dangerous snakes. It’s near dusk and he rounds a corner to see a snake in the middle of the path. He can’t get around it and he can’t get home without going past. So he gets a long stick and pokes gingerly at the snake, hoping to move it. No luck. It doesn’t move. He prods a little harder while his heart races in fear. After a few minutes it hits him: The snake isn’t a snake, it’s a rope.

Instantly his fear is gone and he just walks over the rope and heads home. No change was necessary, he just saw the reality or the truth of the situation instead of believing what he thought was true.

The other story is about a mirage. We’ve all seen them on an asphalt highway. They look like a shimmering pool ahead, but when we get there we realize it was just an illusion created by the heat. If we’d never seen a mirage before and we needed water we’d only make one trip there to find water wouldn’t we? After that, no matter how real the pool looked, we’d never grab a bucket and head to the mirage for water again. We’d realize that what we thought was true, wasn’t. We wouldn’t have to make any physical or psychological changes, we’d simply operate very simply on the truth that we’d seen.

In life clear seeing works the same way. When we really stop to question and investigate we realize that life is just the way it is. We don’t argue with most of it. We have no problem with the way gravity works, or that water is wet and fire burns. Trees add leaves in the spring and shed them in the fall. No problem. Earthquakes and floods happen. Though they can be painful we don’t shake our fists at nature. We simply see that nature does what it does.

When it comes to our so-called personal lives, however, we want to rule. So we argue with reality. We never win, because it’s always just the way it is anyway. But we seem not to notice that, and continue to resist and fight. Someone says something to us that we label as rude and we think: They shouldn’t speak to me that way. Aren’t we all part of nature too, human nature? Isn’t that the way nature appeared just then? You had no control over it, and they did speak to you that way. It’s the reality of life. People sometimes speak rudely to others. Compare it to this: The wind blew your hat off. You probably wouldn’t say, “The wind shouldn’t have done that.” It happened. It’s just what is. You pick up your hat and move on.

Back to the person who spoke to you: They said what they did, and you have no more control over that than the wind. Poke a little deeper (the snake) and you might realize you’re the one who put the word “rude” on their words. Later you find they were in a hurry and didn’t mean to be rude at all. Yet you created your own mirage. The person was never rude (no water there) in the first place. It all started with your own thoughts.

This world is obviously operating on some principle of Intelligent Energy and we’re not in charge. Does it make you happy to rail against what someone thinks about you or says to you? Or does it make sense to see that the wind blows when it does and people say and do what they do? When we think “we” know how life should be we’re going to hurt a lot. When we see life as it really is, and stop adding our stories of how it should be it gets easy. All it takes is some questioning - poking the snake to realize it’s only a rope.

7. Watch thought-clouds float by and your pain is gone

Every sage throughout history has seen the same thing and reported it: Thoughts cause our suffering. Investigate them, question them, and we get back to the peace and happiness that’s always there, under the surface. If you doubt that thoughts cause your suffering notice how peaceful you are in deep sleep. Everyone likes to wake in the morning and say, “Boy, I sure had a great sleep.” Was there any worry or fear in sleep? Depressed people sleep a lot. Why? In sleep there’s not the pain that comes from attaching to thoughts.

Dating seniors have no more thoughts than anyone else. But maybe, as seniors with more time on our hands, we mull over our thoughts too much. We let them eat at us. And we hurt. However we look at it, when we’re disappointed or sad or lonely or feeling abandoned we can consider that like a cow bell ringing, saying “Lookie here, your thoughts are off track.” Let’s take a look at thoughts and thinking just a bit to see if what we’ve thought about thinking is true.

Where do thoughts come from? They show up the minute you wake up don’t they? You don’t ask for them. You don’t even have a choice. They just appear. If they were our thoughts wouldn’t we be able to turn them on and off? And if they were ours would we ever choose sad, lonely or hurtful thoughts? Obviously not.

Maybe you’re “being thought”

Wow, now there’s a thought: If we don’t own our thoughts, who does? Is it possible that you’re just “being thought”? Just like you’re being breathed and your heart beats by itself? Well, wait a minute. What’s going on here? If I’m not doing this who or what is? Hmm, quite a mystery isn’t it? And that’s the point. It IS a mystery, just like the mystery of what keeps the planets in orbit. Or the mystery of a universe that has no edges, and therefore no center. That’s why we call it a mystery; we just see that it IS but that’s all we know.

So thoughts appear and they’re not yours. Furthermore, when you look at thoughts it’s easy to see that they often don’t match reality. For instance, you’re on a date with someone and when it’s over you keep thinking how distant and aloof she was toward you. You think, “I probably said or did something she didn’t like.” You ponder the situation and go over and over in your mind what you must have done wrong. Later you find she was distracted because she’d just learned that her small grandson needed a worrisome operation. She wasn’t being cold and aloof; she was worried and preoccupied. Her behavior had nothing to do with you. But look what believing in your thoughts did!

We’ve all had similar examples in our lives. Our thoughts about something were way off, just flat wrong! So we really can’t trust our thoughts, though most of the time we live as though we can. The result is unhappiness. When you start to just notice your thoughts without getting attached to them, you begin to see how much they control your level of happiness. Someone says something rude to you and you feel bad. You get a compliment and you feel good. You think their opinion of you is accurate don’t you? If you didn’t, why would you let their words dictate your opinion of yourself? It isn’t what they said, it’s just your own thoughts about what they said that are the culprit. Crazy isn’t it?

Pure Awareness isn’t ruffled by thoughts

But… as you watch your thoughts and how your happiness hinges on your belief in those thoughts you might ask another question: “Who’s doing the watching?” There must be something separate from thoughts that can see there ARE thoughts. That separate seeing must be just that sense of knowing that you are, that you exist. You might also notice it doesn’t have an opinion, it’s not ruffled by thoughts. It’s just the quiet background that allows thoughts to show up, like space allows “things” to show up, yet is invisible itself.

So let’s get practical. What’s this have to do with your everyday dating life? Just this. Instead of buying in to thoughts and getting upset by them, there’s another way. You could simply stay in that presence/awareness that watches thoughts, and just let thoughts come and go as they will, and always do. You start to notice that believing what you thought were “my” thoughts hasn’t made life happy or made it work any better. You begin to see through that illusion and realize they’re not “your” thoughts. They’re just thoughts. They show up in the content of life just like clouds and trees and everything else. They’re not accurate so why not just notice them and stay happy in the presence of the moment? Who knows, it could work! With their happy, peaceful lives, the Wise Ones have proven it through the centuries.

6. "Better-when" is guaranteed suffering, no exceptions

A major source of stress for a lot of single people, especially older singles, is the gnawing longing for a partner. The fear is that time is running out for that hoped-for partner. You’re living in the “better when” syndrome. Of course that automatically says you’re not happy now.

Most of us have lived the “better when” belief all our lives. As a kid it was, When Christmas comes I’ll be happy. Later it was, when I have a girlfriend I’ll be happy. Or When I can drive, When I graduate, When I get married, When I get that raise and… well, you know the story. Happiness is never now. But I’ll be happy later. Somehow we haven’t noticed that “later” never comes, or comes for only very brief periods.

And now that we’re a little older we start to face the reality that there isn’t always going to be a better future as we knew it. We may not have a lot of time or energy to conquer the world as we always thought was possible. Worse, we begin to agonize over the thought that we may not have another partner either. And with that, real desperation sets in. We begin to feel the stress of trying frantically to win the love and approval of someone who will become our partner.

With all that fear and stress, however, where is happiness in life? It’s gone isn’t it? The focus is on the future, so the present is missed. And yet the present is the only moment we can ever live. There is no past or future, really. Past and future are only thoughts that occur right now. This is it – the only moment of livingness there can ever be.

But, you might be saying to yourself, I don’t want to live here in the present when my “present” isn’t very happy because I don’t have a partner. I need to use this present time to work toward finding a partner so I’ll have a better future. Let’s examine that a bit to see if it’s true. You can verify the truth for yourself with a few questions.

Can you know for certain that you’re supposed to have a partner now? What’s the reality, do you? And are you sure your effort to bring a partner into your life will bring results? Have they worked in the past? Finally, are you even really sure that having a partner would, in fact, make you happier?

If you’re honest you may answer no to those questions. You may realize you can’t really know for sure. When you look at your own life your efforts in the past often haven’t brought what you’d hoped for. Maybe you see that your dreams of happiness when you got what you wanted didn’t really bring the lasting happiness you thought it would.

Yet, how do you live when you hold onto your “happiness” beliefs and you don’t even know they’re true? Isn’t it usually painful when we live every day longing for a future that never comes? How would you live if you didn’t have that story running: “I need a partner.” If, instead, you simply saw that life at every moment is giving us exactly what we need, how might that feel? More peaceful? In fact, is there any good reason to hold onto your assumed ideas? Might there be a reason to let that idea, “I need a partner” just drop? The only cause of suffering is our thoughts. Maybe it’s worth examining them. Consider how peaceful you are in dreamless sleep. No thoughts, no suffering. In sleep you’ve surrendered your thoughts and ideas and just let the Universe run itself for eight hours. Maybe you want to consider that while you’re awake also, with the knowledge that the Universe is running your love life just like it's breathing you and beating your heart. It might even know better what you need than you do!

5. Don't be the movie, be the screen

"Don't be the movie, be the screen." A strange title, huh? What I mean is this. The movie of life is always changing. And as we live, the simple awareness - or beingness - that we are, knows that the content is always changing. But the awareness itself is steady, peaceful, never-changing, just like the movie screen. The problem is that we've forgotten who we are.

We feel anger and we say, "I'm angry." Or "I'm hurt, I'm sad, I'm devastated." Then a short time later something we like happens and we say, "I'm happy." Are we really? How could our thoughts be who we are, when they keep changing? Which one is the real you? The thoughts, I'm hurt or sad, are just thoughts. They're fickle. We think they define us. But what they really do is jerk us around because we attach to them and make them ours. In reality, thoughts come and go. You don't ask for them. They show up on their own. They don't mean anything; they have no substance. You can't take your stand on them.

Where we can look, instead, is to the awareness or the "unchanging" that allows the changing thoughts to exist. That unchanging is the pure knowing or seeing that you ARE, that you exist. You don't have to think to know that you are. Because you are, thoughts have a place to show up. But that pure knowing, or awareness, is never tainted by the thoughts that show up in it. The thoughts have no more significance than clouds passing in the sky.

Most of us live this way: One day on a date we're complimented and we feel great. Another day we're stood up, and we feel terrible. Will the real "me-feeling" stand up? Which is accurate? Obviously, neither. If we simply let it all go, and just turn inside rather than outside, to the pure sense of I-amness, or awareness, there's no problem. The pain has only been our attachment to our thoughts.

When thoughts of "it should be this way" or "I want it that way" show up, we can get entangled with them, start believing them and we'll hurt. Or we can just allow things to be the way they are, by turning inside and watching from that pure awareness that we are. Then, like the movie screen that never burns or gets wet no matter the movie, we just remain as the clear awareness, watching life unfold. There, is peace. There, is ease. There, is simple presence and joy.

4. "He rejected me" - but don't you get to decide that?

You've briefly met someone and agreed to become better acquainted over coffee. He's supposed to call you in the next few days. You never get that call. Or you've gone out a with her a few times but now she consistently has an excuse for not setting another date. Or someone has just honestly told you they feel you're not a good match and they’re not interested in seeing you again..Whatever the situation, you tell yourself you've been rejected. That's how we often feel about ourselves when someone doesn't want to see us again -- that we're useless, unworthy, a reject... and who knows where else the mind will go with that? But let's stop for a minute and question that. We believe the other person has rejected us. But is that really true? I have a good friend in another state who recently placed her profile on an internet dating site. She had some interesting email exchanges with a guy, and a couple of delightful phone conversations. They had arranged to meet for coffee. He called the day before and said he needed to change the plans and that he'd call back in a few days. She never heard from him again. When we talked she said, "Well, I guess I got rejected." And she immediately began ticking off things she might have said that would have turned him off. She thought it was her fault. And she was hurting. But let's look at the reality. Without any thoughts added to it, what happened is this: A man said he'd call and didn't. That's the reality. But then the story gets added: “I got rejected.” But stop! How did that thought get in there? Were you really rejected? Isn’t it a fact only that he didn't call? Maybe he's in the hospital. Maybe he died. Maybe he’s on an emergency trip. There could be a thousand reasons why he didn't call. The truth is, we just don't know. If we stick to what we do know, however, it's pretty simple. We know he didn't call. That's it! He didn't call. Was he supposed to call? Obviously not. He didn't. That's the reality. When it's raining is it supposed to be raining? Yes. How do we know? It is. The stories we tell ourselves nearly always hurt: I'm defective. I'm inadequate. I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, articulate enough, tall enough... and it can go on forever. We can stew over those thoughts for days. And what's the cause of all our hurt? Thoughts. Worse than that, they're thoughts we don't even know are true. How do you feel when you believe those thoughts? You hurt don't you? And how would you feel without your added stories? Maybe a whole lot happier and more peaceful.I've had the good fortune to see life from a different view, thanks to the help of some teachers who see clearly. And in my own dating I've now realized there's just contentment and peace when I simply stick with what's real. Real is "what is," and nothing more. No story, no pain. It sounds too simple. But it works.

3. You "need" a partner, is that true?

Joanie, a friend of mine, had been single again for about six years. She was worried. "I really want to find a man to be with," she told me. "After all, I'm showing signs of age and who will want me when I'm older and less attractive?" She was constantly asking questions, such as, "You're a man, tell me what do men want? Should I call him, or would he think I'm too pushy? I said I'd like to meet his family. Do you think that'll turn him off?" She was always carefully trying to do and say exactly the right thing so men would want her. She felt her life could not be complete without a man. Her desperation was beginning to show. "I try so hard," she said, "and yet I don't seem to really connect with the men I'm interested in."That's not a surprise is it? When you really "need" someone in your life it follows that you're also just as surely going to try to control and manipulate them. You might not think of it as manipulation, but when you're being phony to get something you want, aren't you trying to push things your way? You might be extra-nice to make sure you get asked out again. Or you don't share your beliefs about life for fear they'll conflict with those of your date, and that person won't be interested in you any longer. If you think about it honestly, when you're not being authentic isn't it always because you want something? You're not being honest. That's manipulating. But you might ask, "As a senior in the dating world again how can I pretend I don't want a partner when I really do? That would be a lie. I do care. I want a partner." You may feel that at this age you have to give up the real you and wear a mask to get what you want.The whole approach is based on this bottom-line belief: A partner in my life would make me happy. But let's look a little deeper. As Socrates said so many centuries ago: Know thyself. So let's question that assumption: A partner would make you happy, is that true? Can you absolutely know that having a partner right now in life would be the best thing for you? Do you really know how the Universe should be operating? Maybe -- just maybe -- God (the Supreme of your understanding) knows what He/She/It is doing, and this isn't the time for you to find a partner, no matter how hard you try.You want to control your life, but can you? Are you really in charge? Do you breathe yourself? Do you beat your own heart? Do you consciously grow your hair, digest your food, move the cells around your body? Do you even control your thoughts? If you say yes, ask yourself, "If I controlled my thoughts would I ever choose to have unhappy thoughts?" Or when you're feeling a lot of stress wouldn't you just turn off thinking for awhile? Do you know where the "off" switch is? Do you wake up in the morning and say, "Well, let's see, I guess I'll start thinking now?" As my friend, Byron Katie says, "If you do, it's already too late."Seeing life clearly, we may begin to realize that the "we" we think we are is not the reality. The little ego-me we think is in charge really isn't. If we don't control our own breathing or our own thinking, and we don't even know what muscles to activate to more our arm, can we automatically assume that we should know how our life is supposed to go? As one spiritual teacher says, "Who do we think we are to tell that which created us how to run his creation?"When we look "out there" and think that someone "out there" will make us happy aren't we making ourselves victims? (By "victim" I mean putting our happiness in the hands of someone else.) And what victimizes us? Our thoughts. We think we have to have a partner to be happy... until we examine that belief for a bit.On the other hand, when we look inside and tell ourselves the truth, we can probably say, "I guess I'm not supposed to have a partner right now... because I don't." That's the reality isn't it? Maybe it'll change tomorrow. But for right now, why not just go with "what is" and be content, rather than arguing with what is, and being miserable? If you notice, your discontent doesn't get you a partner. Furthermore, you're the only one who hurts. Is it worth it?And consider what happens when you DON'T feel desperate for someone in your life. Do you think your dating would be a lot more relaxed? Maybe dating would be more like a dance. Dancing has no purpose other than the dance. We're not trying to get to the other side of the floor faster than anyone else. We're just dancing. Because... we're dancing.We can date in the same way. The outcome will be what it is, and we trust that the Universe knows what it's doing. Dating is then an adventure. Without an agenda and a goal it can just be fun again. The Universe is operating it's own way whether we like it or not anyway. So we may as well flow with it. Then we feel peaceful. Then we feel happy. And wouldn't potential partners rather be with a free, happy person than with a controlling, manipulating, clinging one? Would you guess "yes"? Me too.

2. Question thoughts and find happiness - more basics

I've said our thoughts are the cause of our emotional pain. Throughout history, including today, there are a few wise people who have seen this. We call them sages, or awakened ones, or enlightened beings. Really, they're just people who have seen the reality of life, and take it as it is. Many of them have shared their insights.And what do they say about the reality of life? It's this simple: What happens, happens. It's simply a fact. For example: It's raining and we have a picnic planned. Those are pure facts. No problem so far. Just the facts, Ma'am! But now we come along and add a story. And that story nearly always comes with feelings, often negative. We started off with rain on a picnic day. No problem. Now we add the story, "What the heck is this damned rain about? The forecast was for sunshine. It's not supposed to rain." All of a sudden what have we got? A problem. We've added a judgment to the facts, and that colors everything. How do we feel when we think what is shouldn't be? Terrible. We hurt.Does it change the fact that it's raining? Obviously not. Does it change our level of happiness? Oh definitely. You might argue, "Yes, but it's raining and I'm not happy about it. You want me to just suck it up and pretend I'm happy when I'm not?" That might seem like the only way, but it isn't.Instead, we might just question that thought, "It shouldn't be raining." Is that true? The reality is pretty simple. It should be raining. How do you know? It is. Period. We're insane when we argue with that reality. Instead, however, if we just flow with "what is", what happens? A couple of things, actually. First, we're not spending energy on being upset with something that doesn't really give a rip whether we're upset or not. Second, we can simply see reality as it is. We stop arguing with it and ahhhh... peace. And third, we're left with energy we would have wasted being upset that we can now apply to finding a solution.We're not trying to change the rain. And we're also not trying to change our feelings through will power: "I'll just decide not to be upset," doesn't work, and we all know it. Instead, all we're doing is just seeing life the way it is. Our idea that it shouldn't be raining was an illusion. It was a lie. What's the truth? It's raining. When we simply see that truth, or see through the illusion, we also realize there's nothing to change. Because the illusion wasn't real in the first place what could there be to change?. It was all just smoke and mirrors.
So, let's apply this to dating. You have Tuesday afternoon plans with Janie. At the last minute one of her grandkids needs to be picked up from school. Janie gets the call to pick up happy little grandkid. And you get a call saying plans for the afternoon are off. You can be disappointed, frustrated, feel you're not important enough or a whole range of other emotions. Or, you can see the reality: Janie isn't available for the afternoon. That's a fact. Period. How do you know it's supposed to be this way? Simple. It is. On a sunny day, how do you know the sun is supposed to be shining? It is. How do we know gravity is supposed to pull everything to earth when we leave it in mid air? It does. Do we argue with that? They'd put you in the funny farm wouldn't they?
Seeing reality (without our added story of should and ought) always leaves us content and without a problem. When there's no judgment we're just left with "what is, as it is". Where was the problem, except in our thoughts? Any time you're feeling emotional hurt and suffering you can know it's because you're resisting something. You've decided something shouldn't be the way it is, and instead it should be your way. Well -- good luck! Have you ever noticed that the universe never asks for your opinion? It doesn't care what your input is. It rules... every single time. You can argue with it, and be crazy. Or you can see reality (what is) and be happy. Notice our happiness doesn't have a thing to do with what's happening out there? It's all about only what's happening in here. Think: "I don't like... I don't want... It shouldn't be this way" and you hurt. See: "What is, is" and there's ease and a quiet contentment. Weren't those sages wise?

1. Mature Dating Without Pain - A Few Basics

Why is this dating thing often so painful at this stage of life? It seems that all the emotions we went through in young life often still pop up? We can feel betrayed, deceived, jealous, angry - and a whole range of painful emotions. Sometimes it's fun and delightful. But often that doesn't last long. And even when it is fun, isn't there often that subtle, background fear that this will end? What's going on here?Let me share a simple fact that I learned later in life, that you may not have considered: All our pain -- all of it! -- comes from our own thoughts. And we thought it was the other person! Or the situation out there! For example: He didn't call when he said he would, and he should have. She lied, and she shouldn't have. He danced with someone else, and that's just not right when he's out with me. He must not care. She doesn't respect me. And on and on it goes. We want them to make us happy. Even worse, we lay our happiness at their feet. We say, in effect, I give you all the power to decide my happiness. If you do this I'll be happy. But if you do that I'll be unhappy. We set ourselves up as victims. Isn't that nuts? But we've done it in innocense because we haven't known better.Are we really at the mercy of others? Haven't we, instead, failed to notice that the way we think it should be is the cause of our suffering? The reality is, life happens as it happens. People do what they do. It rains when it rains. That's it! End of story. When you think it should be sunny, and it isn't, you suffer. When you think she should be in your life and she isn't, you suffer.You've noticed, I'm sure, that the operative word is think. We judge something as right or wrong when we could just see it for what it is. It doesn't even take effort to let go. When we see clearly we see that what we thought "should be" was just an illusion. We took our stand on something that never was. It was a fantasy. You don't have to let go of an illusion. You just see through it.What happens when we judge? We always hurt. And when we don't? Well... there's just peace. No problem. It's what is and we leave it alone. Try this question when you're hurting about a dating situation: Should it be the way I think it should be, or should it maybe just be the way it is? Which feels more peaceful, more loving? Do we really know the long-term consequences of anything, including what's happening in our dating life? Is it possible it should just be the way it is?