298. Let the outcome of your dating be as it is and you’ll find joy in the adventure

When we feel heartache and disappointment in dating it’s always our own thoughts that cause us to hurt. But that’s hard to see. We’ve been conditioned to believe that it’s what someone else says or does that causes our emotional pain. We think it’s because they’ve deceived us or lied to us or rejected us that we’re hurting.

Karl Renz, a spiritual teacher from Germany, who shares his understanding with people in many European countries, says it this way: The mind itself creates the problems it struggles to solve.

“But how is it possible,” you might ask, “that our own minds create the hurt we feel, when we can prove, for instance, that our date or partner deceived us?” Obviously, we think, it’s their deceit that makes us hurt. But in reality their deceit doesn’t make us hurt. It’s only when we think they should not deceive us that we hurt. In other words, it’s our story or our belief about their action that makes us hurt, not the action itself.

So the mind creates our suffering by believing that “what is” should be different. Then the mind struggles to relieve the pain by trying to change the other person, make them wrong, etc.

As we date in these mature and senior years it’s natural there will be times when things don’t go the way we expected. Your date loses interest in you, or you find she’s not the person you thought she was. You might be lied to or cheated on. You may begin to see that your date is trying to control you. A woman I know was dating a man who wanted to marry her. He told her, “If we were together I’d still let you continue the volunteer work you now do.” Clearly, she knew that kind of control wouldn’t work for her.

These incidents may be disappointing or painful. But if they are it’s because we want life to go the way we think it should go rather than simply seeing that it always goes the way it goes. It’s always our own mind that creates our problems by resisting “what is”. Then the same mind tries to solve the problem that never existed except in our thought-story.

But without our stories we can see and accept that life is just what it is. We can begin to trust that what happens is meant to happen because the Energy that powers everything must know what it’s doing, even if it seems to our limited minds that it doesn’t. Then dating takes on a whole new look. It becomes an interesting exploration and adventure, a chance for new and exciting experiences. And we don’t have to own or worry about the outcome. Let the outcome take care of itself and just have fun living.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

297. See which way the wind blows with your dating and you can be happily content

Did you know that baby wolves in the far north live or die depending on the wind? Literally. I saw it on a nature program on TV the other night. (And you won’t believe how this ties into mature dating! ) Here’s how it works.

The wolves are born in the spring and nurse from their mothers until early summer. Then they need solid food, which for the wolves are the caribou that inhabit the same terrain. The problem is the baby wolves can’t travel far and if the caribou herds don’t travel near them there’s no food for the young ‘uns.

What causes the herds to travel in a certain direction? Mosquitoes, believe it or not. They’re so fierce in the summer months that the caribou herds travel into the wind to keep the mosquitoes away from their faces. So their direction of travel is determined by which way the wind blows. If that takes them away from the wolf dens there’s no food for the wolves and the young ones don’t survive.

So it’s a story that reads like this: Baby wolves can’t live without solid food after a couple of months. Why is there no solid food? Because there are no caribou. Why aren’t there caribou? Because the herds are moving in other areas. Why don’t the wolves follow them? Because the babies are too small. Why do the caribou travel in other directions? Because of swarms of mosquitoes. Why do mosquitoes dictate which way the caribou travel? Because caribou travel into the wind to keep mosquitoes away from their faces. Why does the wind blow in a certain direction? Who knows? If you were a meteorologist you could probably trace this back further but eventually you’d come to “I don’t know.”

Now, how the heck does this relate to mature dating? This way: I know from experience that a lot of seniors I’ve dated and know spend a lot of time in anguish, trying to figure out why something happened. They think if they can figure out why, they may be able to come up with a solution: “Oh, he didn’t call me after two dates. Why? I revealed too much about myself too soon. Obviously that was the wrong thing to do.” Solution: “Make sure I hold back and try to say only what I think men want to hear.” You get the idea I’m sure.

The point is this: The question “Why?” is wasted effort. Everything causes everything. In other words, you can try to trace any happening back to its cause and you’ll never find one. We could even get back to, “Why is there a world or a universe?” When you give up questioning why, you also give up the need to try to manipulate circumstances to control the outcome you want. So much effort and turmoil!

It’s much more natural in life and in dating to simply be an observer rather than a questioner. Life is the way it is. How can we know it shouldn’t be another way? It isn’t, that’s all. Should that guy have called again? No, because he didn’t. End of story. End of anguish and effort and suffering. Life obviously has other plans for you.

As that ancient Chinese spiritual text, the Hsin-hsin Ming (The Mind of Absolute Trust) says, “When one is free from attachment all things are as they are, and there is neither coming nor going. When in harmony with the nature of things, your own fundamental nature, you will walk freely and undisturbed.”

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

293. She wanted an explanation she didn’t get, and was upset

“Will you tell me why you don’t want to come to dinner?” Kathleen asked. She had invited me to dinner after we had agreed to go for an afternoon walk. We’d met 6 weeks earlier and had gotten together several times. But I wasn’t ready then to come to dinner so I had thanked her and declined. I told her I didn’t want to explain any reasons but that I felt it was best not to do that right now.

“Well, I know I’m responsible for my feelings and you’re responsible for your feelings,” she said. “However, I do feel that sometimes people owe me an explanation. Are you saying you won’t explain? I’d just feel more comfortable if you told me why,” Kathleen said. “Yes,” I said, “I understand you’d like an explanation but as you said, I’m not responsible for your feelings and I’d prefer not to have to explain myself.”

Kathleen went on to say that this kind of response from me wouldn’t work for her and said if I held to my view we’d need to end further contact, which we did. In a conversation with her several weeks earlier she had told me about a married son of hers who lived some distance away who wouldn’t agree that her dog could come with her for a week-long visit in their home. She told me she was irritated and angry about that and that “it took me quite awhile to get over that.” So I wasn’t too surprised over her reaction to my lack of explaining things to her satisfaction.

In both these cases Kathleen obviously felt she had a right to get what she wanted, and was upset when it didn’t happen. Her reactions and responses were typical of many relationship problems that stem from expectations and rights people think they have over other people. But do we have rights over how others live their lives?

The actuality of real life tells us we like to be able to live our own lives without judgment and condemnation. So when we try to interfere with the way others live aren’t we trying to control them in ways we don't want to be controlled?

If you’re upset because your date or partner doesn’t explain his activities, you can relieve your stress by asking yourself, “Do I know how he should live his life and does he owe it to me to explain why he does what he does?” If you’re not happy with his behavior toward you it doesn’t mean you have to understand. You only have to see that this is reality and take whatever steps are right for you, accordingly.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

286. Questioning your thoughts may seem too simple to end mature dating pain – but it works!

When I speak of questioning your thoughts to end the turmoil, desperation and pain that can come with mature dating I understand it’s easy to discount the idea. The one complaint from people is that this is too simple. We’re conditioned to think that we’ve got to put out a lot of effort to make changes in our lives. It’s the “no pain, no gain” idea.

But when we see that all the painful emotional issues of our lives come from our thoughts, questioning those thoughts to see how true they are might make a little more sense. All our lives we’ve heard how life should be: “People shouldn’t do bad things to other people.” “Our dating partners should always be honest and true to us.” “We shouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.” “I’m never quite good enough.” We’ve picked up these ideas but are they true? Doesn’t it hurt when we think those thoughts? If we really look, and see the truth, do we still hurt?

Take any one of those statements above and we can see, with a little investigation, that they may not be true at all. For instance, “I’m not good enough.” How many of us think that about ourselves – at least some of the time if not virtually all the time. It’s a program that runs in the background of our lives almost without our recognition, until we start looking at how that single idea shapes our actions. Because of it we may be constantly trying for other people's approval, for instance. We may be always struggling to be somebody better than we think we are, wearing the mask of an actor. We’re not free when we’re not living authentically. It’s not fun. And in the end it never works.

But inquiry brings us back to the truth: Are we really not good enough? By whose standards? What’s “good enough”? Do we really need more approval than we’ve got? What I see so clearly is that every one of us has exactly the approval we need at any moment. All you have to do is see the approval you’ve got and you know that’s what you need – because you’ve got it.

Or what about the belief that we shouldn't hurt someone's feelings. What god gave us that power? Don't we decide our reaction to what someone says or does? When you think you can hurt someone's feelings you've made yourself responsible for what you have no control over. Sure, we can be kind, knowing some people hurt their own feelings based on our words. We can be considerate but we don't have to be dishonest to protect them. Their feelings are not our job or within our power.

The universe always works the way it does. That’s reality. Storms happen. People get sick. Things live and die. Change occurs. Life turns out different from the way we thought it would, even day by day. We think we’re going to answer the phone and we trip and fall and break an ankle. Oops? Who’s in charge here? Well, it’s obviously not us.

Yet we want to think things should be our way. That’s an innocent myth. Things should be the way they are. How do we know? This is it. Questioning always gets you to reality if you’re willing to be honest. With reality comes peace and happiness. We can opt for that or we can insist on our way and suffer.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

280. Believe a partner should be monogamous when she’s not and you'll suffer

What we know in mature dating doesn’t cause us to suffer. What we believe is the source of all the emotional and psychological pain we feel. Knowing is reality. Belief is a story we’ve learned. That applies to any belief. It’s our story. Let’s say you find that your partner is not being monogamous. That’s what you know. Now, let’s say you believe she should be monogamous. That’s your story and the split-second you believe that story your pain begins. Your belief and your pain come side by side, self-created.

Pain hurts but there’s a gift in it as well. It’s the signal telling you that your thinking is off track and inviting you to play Private I and investigate to see whether your belief is really true. Seeing reality and ending our pain is that simple.

In this case, you’d simply ask, “Is it true my partner should be monogamous when she’s not?” Obviously, what’s happening is true, not what you believe should be happening. Do people have affairs in this world? Is that part of the reality of life? Can we know for sure that our partner should be monogamous? In the larger picture of life are we absolutely sure we know what’s best?

If you still think your beliefs are right you could ask further questions: Does my partner have a right to live her life her way? Do I have a right to demand that she live it my way? Who decides how I get to live my life? Who gets to decide how she lives her life? With simple questions, given honest answers, you find that life is a series of happenings, all things changing, all things coming and going. Can we know something or someone shouldn’t go? Who are we to decide we know best?

Though I didn’t have the understanding of life that I do now, when my wife died, one thing seemed really clear in the midst of all my emptiness and pain: She was supposed to be gone. I knew that because when I looked around she wasn’t here any longer. Somehow, that knowing was clear: It was supposed to be, because it was. All life, I see now, is like that. Reality rules.

When we simply witness life as it is, without our stories, we don’t suffer. You can argue with reality all you want, but all you’ll ever get is heartache and pain. It’s madness to argue with what is. Drop the resistance and judgment, see it the way it is, and pain is gone. Suffering is always optional.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

279. Living in our make-believe world makes for a lot of suffering in dating

Most of the time we live in an unreal, make-believe, invisible world – a lie of our own creation. We wake in the morning and create our world out of our thoughts and beliefs. Here’s what I mean. Louise has been dating a guy and suddenly, without warning, he says he wants to date someone else. She’s crushed, and agonizes for months over what went wrong and why he isn’t with her any longer.

Marie has the same experience. She’s been dating a guy and without warning he tells her he’s ending the relationship. Marie, however, sees the reality of life and knows to just witness it as it is. If she has doubts or sadness she questions herself to see if it’s true that the relationship should have turned out the way she expected or hoped, instead of the way it did. With some clarity she sees that she doesn’t know the big picture and she can’t be positive that this relationship should have continued.

In fact, she can be positive that it should not have continued… because it didn’t. Living life without emotional suffering is seeing that life is just the way it is. Suffering would only occur for Marie if she thought it should be her way rather than the way it is. She would have to think that she has a voice in the matter, when in fact she’s simply being lived, as is everything else.

Once she realizes life happens the way it happens she can easily take it in stride and simply enjoy the next experience, the one that always replaces whatever disappears. This is clarity, peace and happiness. And it all comes from questioning our beliefs and seeing reality as it actually is. All our stories then end and all the suffering is gone without a story.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

268. Your insecurities can have you living in mature dating hell

The desire for security drives a lot of actions in life, and it sure shows up regularly in dating, especially in these mature or senior years. We want things pinned down. We want to know what’s going to happen next. We want things buttoned up and firmly fixed so we’ll know where we stand. We don’t want any painful surprises.

Veronica is a friend of mine who recently began seeing Chet, a man who had been divorced many years ago and has been alone since then. She told me she and Chet had been together three or four times and were getting along great. But apparently Chet was feeling uneasy. He called my friend and said he wanted to discuss some things that were important for him. He said he needed to know: Was she really invested in knowing him? How serious was she? Why didn’t she call him more often? What did she see their relationship looking like? He said he just wanted to know so he wouldn’t waste a lot of time and emotional energy on something that might not be going any place.

Chet’s concerns aren’t abnormal. But are they realistic? Would he really be able to feel secure if he had some answers? The truth is that life has no security, and we all know that when we examine it closely. You can have the most permanent, secure love relationship in the world and your partner gets killed in a traffic smashup. Or dies of cancer. Or finds someone new.

When we want security it’s because we think we have some control over life – our life. We want to prop it up and make sure it looks exactly the way we want it to look. But that’s a myth. There just ain’t no such thing, have you noticed? Life unfolds as it does and it doesn’t care a whit about our opinions and desires. Whatever this intelligent energy is that expresses itself through all the intricate functioning of our bodies and the planets is dictating the whole show.

We can watch it unfold in peace, and be in heaven. Or we can push and shove and try to control things and live in hell.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

261. When one myth about mature dating drops a whole host of others drop with it

What happens in dating is the only thing that could happen because that’s what did happen. There’s one operating principle (many call it God) in this world so how could it make a mistake? We can’t have a problem with dating and relationships unless we believe our thoughts about them. This morning I was talking with a woman about these ideas and she said, “I just keep repeating these dumb mistakes.” I asked her, “Can you really know what you did was a mistake in the big scheme of the world?” After pondering the question a bit she said, “No, I don’t really know that.”

She had believed her thought that some action she took was a mistake, and along with that came her judgment that it was dumb. But when “mistake” goes do you notice that “dumb” goes with it? “Mistake” was never real so it can’t stand up to scrutiny and serious questioning. And “dumb” was also just a myth tied to the first myth. When one goes the other goes… and that’s not even true. They don’t actually go because they were never there in the first place. It was all illusion.

That’s how the mind works; it appears to make real something that was never real in the first place, such as a statement like, “I should have a partner.” With that come thoughts like, “There must be something wrong with me.” “I have to find ways to be more attractive.” “If I just put on a happier face maybe then I’d find a partner.” Each statement is like the judgment “dumb” above. It’s the fantasy child of a fantasy woman, the first belief: “I should have a partner.”

The way you know you don’t need a partner right now is that you don’t have one. Tomorrow you may have a partner but in this very moment what you have is what you have, and fighting it is creating a war with reality that you’ll always lose. Without that war you just have life, as it is, which is totally satisfying once we give up the idea that it should be our way rather than the way it is.

Sometimes people ask me, “Does that mean I shouldn’t put my profile in the personals to find dates and a partner?” The answer is no, you simply do what you’re moved to do as part of the functioning of the world, but without needing a particular result. The joy is in the happening in the moment. You simply enjoy the process, watching the mystery of life unfold and realizing that you’re part of the unfolding along with everything else. No one ever put us in charge; we just thought so.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

259. You can’t lose when you see dating as it is, a delightful adventure

This morning I read a comment written by a 70-year-old woman who was saying that being older is not as good as being younger. As you read that do you notice that this is a woman who’s adding a slight stress to her life by arguing with reality? If you question whether something that subtle is stressful put yourself in her shoes a minute and ask yourself two questions:

1. How do you feel emotionally when you think the thought that life isn’t as good as it once was? Just feel that for a moment.

2. How would you feel if you paid no attention to that thought and just let it disappear into wherever it came from? Feel that one.

Even hypothetically, doesn’t question #2 feel better? Living happens, aging happens, spouses die or leave, we find ourselves alone in life. If you think it shouldn’t be this way isn’t that a bit like thinking if you drop a plate in mid-air it shouldn’t hit the floor? You just make yourself miserable.

The articles in this blog don’t say you can find a partner and here’s how to do it. What these articles say is that whatever happens in your dating you can enjoy life with a sense of well-being and contentment when you go with life as it is. Thoughts come and go by themselves. You can only have one thought at a time so any time there’s a new thought, which is every second or more, you’ve also lost the last thought.

If we buy into certain thoughts and nurse them and feed them and pay attention to them because we think they mean something we just create a lot of suffering for ourselves. I’m not even really talking about acceptance here, because to have acceptance you also must have non-acceptance and rejection. I’m only talking about being, before thoughts, before judgments, before attachments. Just see life as it is and you’ll have no pain. Then mature dating is a wonderful adventure and you can’t possibly lose.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

256. There’s one thing in your life that will make dating peaceful and happy always

Everything in the life we know is transitory, changing. We search for new experiences, new sensations, new objects, new loves – anything we think will make our lives happy. Yet every single time they fall short because every experience of happiness leaves us sooner or later, and it’s usually sooner. When it goes we’re back to the search again.

Psychologists tell us there are people who are addicted to romance, or to sex. They find a new romantic partner and in that first blush of romance they’re thrilled. But then the rose fades and they’re disappointed. So they’re off for a new romance. It’s a constant circle of win and lose for them. Relationships with any object, whether it’s a new plasma TV, a new car or a new partner, will always leave us wanting. The thrill is short-lived and transient. Nearly everyone on earth lives their whole lives on this wheel of win/lose, then win and lose again. We strive for something, get it, and then lose the joy it temporarily brought.

There’s good news, however, and it applies directly to dating. The good news is that there’s one thing in your life that has never changed and is always peaceful and happy because it doesn’t take us out on a search again. That one thing is awareness or what we could call presence. You have a sense of being present. You know you exist. That knowing you exist isn’t a thought or belief. You don’t have to think if someone says, “Do you know you are?” Through all the changes in your life – the physical, emotional, mental, and experiential changes – that sense of being, that knowing that we’re present, has never changed. It’s never been affected by any circumstance or experience.

That sense of being or simple awareness is who we all are. No one could say “I’m not” because even to say the words you’d have to “be”. But when we learned the idea that we’re a separate person who has control in life, that’s when our troubles began. “Being” just watches life without judgment, desire, opinion or interpretation. It’s what you feel when you’re immersed in gazing, without thought, at a sunset or mesmerized by a project you’re deeply engrossed in. Small babies live in this empty beingness all the time, never discontent unless they're physically uncomfortable.

The times when we’re in emotional pain over dating are the times when we think we’re in control and believe our thoughts – thoughts that something should be different. That’s why questioning and investigation is so useful. It helps us realize that we don’t really know the answers to life, even our life, which we thought we knew. Eventually we begin to see that anything we add to that awareness of “I am” is trouble. Because that’s when we start dividing things into two – man/woman, good/bad, lucky/unlucky, right/wrong, should/shouldn’t, good/evil, pretty/ugly, etc. Immediately we’re judging that life one way – our way of course – is good and the other way is bad. Even at the moment it looks good to us we only have to wait awhile and it’ll be bad. We all know this. This is nothing new to anyone. The moment we’ve created right we’ve also created wrong. With “good” we’ve created “bad”. But there’s no such thing, except in our thoughts. We put the labels on and then suffer because of them.

To be at peace, content, and happy is as simple as just noticing that every thought, experience, or object appears somehow. What does it appear in? It appears in the clear space of presence or being. The being/awareness is the silent, still background that allows for everything without judging or rejecting anything. We live in that natural state of being or presence when we just witness life as it is. The alternative is to follow thoughts and beliefs out into the world of wants and needs and that never-ending win/lose wheel.

Whenever you have a disturbing thought you already know, from direct experience, that it will change. The mind jumps from one thought to another like a monkey in a tree. But the empty, space-like awareness that allows for thought is never affected and is always content and happy. That’s your true nature and it can watch thoughts without sticking to them or believing them. How could they be real when they’re changing all the time? Their fickleness is proof of their falseness.

When you live in presence/awareness and bring that to a relationship you’ll always be happy, no matter what’s going on with the relationship. Because whatever is going on is just another changing object that appears in the never-changing, always-content beingness of life. That's called living happily and harmoniously with what is.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

255. Dating heartaches are about what we THINK not about what happens

Every item I’ve posted in this blog is trying to show you how seeing reality lifts you immediately out of any suffering associated with mature dating. This isn’t theory. It’s not something I’m asking you to believe. This is about the way the world really works. And if you’d like you can check it out for yourself. In fact, that’s the only way you can prove it to yourself and experience the peace you get from investigating.

For some years I tried to believe a concept that’s quite popular: We create our own reality. The way it’s most often used, it means that you get what you think. So if you focus on positive thoughts about what you want in life you’ll get it. Seminar leaders and authors tell you it’s so easy: just don’t ever think of what you don’t want and always focus on what you do want. If you apply that to dating in these later years of life you’d have the partner you want if you just hold your tongue right, make sure your socks are straight, and focus on already having that special person in your life as though it had already happened. That’s the way, the experts say.

The problem is, it doesn’t work. Some people’s lives are destined to be successful in society’s terms – wealth, possessions, status, power, etc. They’re the ones who tell us how they did it and how we can all do it too. But try as I might – and I worked hard at it – those ideas never paid off. Nor do they pay off for most of the folks who read the books and pay handsome fees for the seminars. Why? Because, as I’ve now realized, Life is living us, not the other way around. Thoughts or no thoughts, visualization or no visualization, there is no “little me” who could be in control. It’s a myth.

Not one person on earth has any independent power to take a single breath or create a single thought. The Life Force or God, if you want, obviously came into form and sustains itself as form every moment. Humans are one of the forms. We’re the instruments as life is lived through us. We don’t see that though. We want so badly to be in control that we keep trying, failure after failure, to make life work our way because we’ve been told all our lives that God gave us free will. Even if we had free will would we know what to seek, what's really best for us?

Happiness is the bottom line we’re all seeking. To be happy by concentrating on what we want we’d have to have the power to control our thinking wouldn’t we? Yet who can do that? Who can stop thinking? Do you know where the “off” switch is? When your thoughts are so painful why not just stop them for awhile? No one can do it. That’s why we like sleep so much. Thought stops and therefore emotional pain stops because it all stems from believing our thoughts.

Investigating life as it really is, however, helps us see that when we just love life the way it is we have no psychological suffering. Resisting life by judging, interpreting, comparing, setting one thing against another is always painful. When we see that life is the way it is, and we stop trying to tell God what to do we’re happy. God, by the way, is another term for “what is”. How can we know God? Just notice everything you take in with your senses. That’s God. What else could it be?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

249. Mature dating is a fun adventure when we live in harmony with the way of it

Dating in your senior or mature years is really not much different from any other aspect of life. It’s one slice of life. However, the struggle, strife and suffering that most people experience in everyday life is often magnified and brought to the fore when we’re dating because romantic relationships are so dramatic and intensely personal. The pain of a lost love can be like no other pain.

That’s why it’s so helpful to see that we can back off from life and not take it personally when we realize that we’re being lived and we really have no control. Then it’s a matter of just flowing with life as it happens rather than trying to fight or control what happens.

If these are new ideas to you I understand; they can sound crazy. They did to me too, at first. However, nothing I had ever done relieved the emotional hurt I often felt when life didn’t go my way. And when I read about what the sages have been teaching throughout the centuries it seemed to me that they might just have something. Those who saw the light (enlightened?) were from all parts of the world, all cultures, all centuries, and they all had come to see the same thing, with no input from each other because there wasn’t the communication in those days that there is today.

What they all saw, simply put, is that some Life Force – call it God if you like – is energizing itself into form, and we humans, like every other form in existence, are among the objects brought into existence.

We’re being lived. If you don’t think so try to make yourself do nothing, for example. You can’t do it. Try not breathing. You can’t. Try not thinking. You can’t. Try not blinking your eyes or sneezing or hiccupping. It just can’t be done. What moves your hands when you express yourself as you talk? What just made you swallow? Obviously we’re not in control of this “me” we think we are. Even the very idea of “I” or “me” is no more than a thought. No one has ever located a Me anywhere. This so-called Me has no individual power. It can’t exist for a split second without the power that enlivens it and animates it. So how could it be in charge of how life should go?

Seeing that, what the sages taught is to just relax, see life as it really is, and flow with it. Realize that what happens is obviously supposed to happen, for no other reason than that it does. You’re stood up for a date? Obviously you were supposed to spend that time doing something else. How do you know? Because the time is available and you’re going to fill it some way, whether you like it or not. Your honey decides to leave you? It must be that you’re supposed to be alone for awhile, or be available to meet someone else. Again, how can I know that? Simple. Because that’s what is and you can’t argue with it. You can think it should be different. You can wish it would be different. But in the end, it just is the way it is. So why spend all that energy and misery resisting the way it is? That's insanity, and a lot of suffering.

Flowing with life the way it is may sound like caving in and giving up but it’s not. It’s a vital, snappy, full-of-life, active way to live. It’s a not-doing that begins to recognize the intelligence-energy of the universe as it is. You begin to see the fullness of life that’s always been present and is available for us to realize when we stop trying to control life. And though we're not the doers everything gets done.

In this realization you’re not succumbing and folding up with your tail between your legs. And you’re not crawling into bed to bawl your eyes out and be depressed because life let you down. Instead, you’re watching with amazement as life unfolds in the way it does, which might be much different than you had expected. What a mystery! What a delight! Life sparkles amazingly when we just see it as it is, and realize we're being lived right along with everything else. We're actually that living power showing up now as a human. What a miracle as it changes every second! Dating can be exciting, adventuresome and fun when we simply live harmoniously with the way it is. What the heck! Might as well since life is going to be the way it is whether we like it or not. We don’t get a vote, have you noticed? In fact, there is no independent "we" to ever have had a vote in the first place. How can a drop of ocean spray vote against the ocean?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

248. Are you a controlling person? You may be surprised when you answer this question

You probably don’t think of yourself as a controlling person, and you may be right. But if you answer this question honestly you’ll know. The key to this way of knowing yourself may surprise you. The question is this: Do you ever get defensive when someone criticizes you? Yes or no, what’s your answer? I’m asking you to stop and honestly answer with just one word, yes… or no.

If you said yes you’re controlling. Here’s why. The moment you get defensive you’ve not only lost your peacefulness but you’re trying to control what someone else thinks of you. Right now you may be saying, “What the heck is he talking about? That’s crazy? It has nothing to do with wanting to control; I’m just saying what’s true.” Yes. And you’re trying to get the other person to see you the way you see you. Isn’t that wanting to control how they think and feel in that moment?

If you’re in a relationship where you get criticized you don’t have to feel hot and bothered by that criticism at all. When you feel that hot feeling of defensiveness start to well up inside you just stop for a second and ask yourself, What’s real here? What’s real is that the one criticizing you is making sounds we call words. And we see that the words are judgmental so we call them critical, which makes sense. She may not even believe them but that makes no difference. Without adding an opinion or interpreting in any way you can hear critical words coming at you.

Some years ago I dated, for a time, a really nice woman who got jealous at times. When she did she would sometimes make some cutting remarks. One of those cutting statements was, “Oh, you just have a need to be needed by other women. That’s what boosts your ego.” I didn’t see myself that way at all but I also didn’t need to defend myself. Why would I try to change what she believed? She had the right to believe whatever she wanted to believe.

Besides, the moment I tried to change her mind by defending myself I would have lost my peace of mind and I’d have lost that battle. I have no control at all over her mind, nor should I have. Being defensive and trying to control someone isn’t right or wrong it’s just not very wise because it’s like trying to control the weather. It’s hopeless.

You may choose not to spend time with people who put you down and criticize you but you don’t need to judge them either. Why would you do that? Have you criticized others before? I have, and in the heat of my hurt or anger at that time I was doing the best I knew how. Well, so is everyone else. They’re confused, that’s all. Usually their confusion includes their belief that you’ve done something that makes them hurt. They think you’re responsible for their feelings. You can see their confusion with kindness or you can feel hurt and get defensive. Being defensive is never peaceful. Seeing reality, without a story, is always peaceful.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

241. If your mature dating includes expectations you’ll suffer unnecessarily

The search for more happiness is why people want to date and find a partner. We expect that we’ll be happier with someone than without someone, especially as we get older. I saw an article recently reporting that the first world map of happiness was produced recently. Denmark came out on top. The Danes have ranked first in European satisfaction surveys for more than 30 years. One of the main reasons, according to researchers, is that as a nation Danish people have low expectations of life. While there were other reasons, the study authors said one thing was clear – the higher the expectations the deeper the disappointment when they’re not met.

The Ancients have been trying to tell us for eons, it seems, that we’re happy when we simply see that what we have is what we need, without expectations. They say, question your thoughts and beliefs about what would make you happy and see if you know they’re true. Can you definitely know you’d be happier with a date or partner right now? Do you know this person you’re now with is the right one, and you should never part?

The sages advise us to look at reality, without our unexamined beliefs and stories. For example, one ancient Chinese text, the Hsin Hsin Ming says,

Gain and loss, right and wrong: such thoughts must finally be abolished at once. If the eye never sleeps, all dreams will naturally cease. If the mind makes no discriminations, the ten thousand things are as they are, of single essence. To understand the mystery of this One-essence is to be released from all entanglements.

The idea, of course, is to trust the One-essence intelligence of the universe as it is, to realize that we’re being lived as one expression of that One-essence. That essence that breathes us, beats our hearts, and keeps the planets in place is harmony and perfection in action even when we don’t recognize that.

The Tao Te Ching, another ancient Chinese spiritual text, has this to say:

When people see some things as beautiful other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good other things become bad.

… Things arise and [the Master] lets them come; things disappear and [the Master] lets them go. [The Master] has, but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect.

And the Ashtavakra Gita, a revered East Indian spiritual text shares this:

As the air is everywhere, flowing around a pot and filling it, so God is everywhere, filling all things and flowing through them forever. (The One-essence.)

When will men ever stop setting one thing against another?
Let go of all contraries. Whatever comes, be happy and so fulfill yourself.

…With resolute dispassion free yourself from desire and find happiness.

Clearly, spiritually wise men and women through the ages are saying it’s our beliefs or stories about what should be that cause our suffering, not the reality of life as it is. Hopes and expectations are another way we look to a future we think we want, without really knowing what’s best for us. Can we really tell That which created us what we need?

Dating can be based on expectations, which will surely be dashed at some point, or dating can be just another interesting aspect of living, just as going to a park or enjoying a sunset. Dating is a way to be with a friend, which may develop into permanence.

The future will take care of itself, no matter what we think. One way to live is to want the future to be your way, and be miserable when it’s not. Another way is to simply see that life shows up one moment at a time, and to relish the mystery and surprise of it as it is. Life will always be as it is, just as it’s always been. Happiness is to live in harmony with that reality and date playfully – content, peaceful, and relaxed. When you don’t expect anything you can’t lose anything. Life without seeking is joy.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

240. With no dating agenda you’ll have easy fun instead of fear and nerves

If you’re nervous before you meet a date or partner you know you’ve got an agenda for that meeting and you’re afraid it won’t work the way you want it to. If there was nothing to lose you wouldn’t feel nervous. What’s the biggest thing people are afraid of losing in dating relationships? Their sense of self-worth.

They define themselves by what other people think of them so their fear of rejection can be huge. Conversely, when you don’t need anyone’s approval you spend time with a date and enjoy the adventure and the unfolding of whatever happens. That makes dating fun rather than an effort and struggle.

Many singles are so focused on winning approval from a guy or gal that it’s no wonder dating in these mature years is such a chore. If you believe you need appreciation or approval from a date that belief will probably show up in your body as fear and nervousness. If so, that’s a time when you could investigate honestly to see if those thoughts you’re holding are really true.

When you look you see that we never have any control over what someone thinks – about us or anything else. So why bother about what they think? That’s their business, just as what you think is your business. “I need her approval,” is that true? “I need him to think I’m great,” is that really true? Aren’t you paying an awfully high price if you believe self-created lies like those? Reality would never agree with you.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

235. Give up control and see what a fun adventure mature dating can be

Have you ever noticed how much most of us try to control life? That idea is so habitually pervasive that we don’t even notice it. Yet when we’re trying to control and can’t succeed it leaves us with an ongoing stress and uneasiness that serves as the background for all our waking moments. We carry that disappointing grayness with us everywhere.

Here are just a few examples of how we try to control situations pertaining to dating:
o We work hard to say the right thing or look the right way so our new date will approve of us. (We’re trying to control what they approve of.)
o With anger or withdrawal we try to make our partner live the way we want them to live and be who we want them to be.
o We lie and spread on compliments we don’t believe so we can get something from our partner.
o We fail to say no when that would be honest so we can gain the favor of our partner.
o Our partner ends our connection and we feel sad and hurt because we can’t make life be the way we want it to be.
o We use jealousy as a tool to try to control who our partner allows into her life.

In these ways and countless others we make ourselves miserable by trying to control life, without realizing that life is living us and we have no more control than a flower has over when it opens or a tree controls when leaves bud in the spring.

If this doesn’t make sense question just the ordinary everyday happenings in life and things might look different for you. How much control did you have over the weather today, or the instant you fell asleep last night, or the moment of your birth or your height, eye color or hair thickness? Did you control when you last got sick or the last thought you had? If control really worked wouldn’t we have pretty much everything the way we want it by this age in our lives?

Life has been as it is for centuries before we got here and will probably continue for centuries after we’re gone – all without any control by us. Don’t you think we’ve come on the scene pretty late to exercise any control over how life decides to be? Since we, as humans, are another expression of life just being itself maybe we could just notice that, and watch instead of trying to control. If you try this you’ll be amazed at how simple life is and how happy you’ll be while dating at this age of your life. The stress, anxiety, worry, disappointment and despair can all be gone. If they show up again they’re just the perfect signal to remind you that you’re trying to control life again.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer