139. Accepting ‘what is’ means sometimes compassionately sharing the other’s pain

If your dating is more than just seeing a person once or twice you’ll probably be sharing some things in greater depth as you get to know each other better. As mature and senior daters we’ve all experienced painful times in our lives, through divorce or loss of a spouse, or through disagreements and possible alienation from some of our adult children, or for many other reasons. It’s not unusual when we’re dating to want to share some of these painful experiences with our date or partner.

The other person, however, may not be so ready to hear as you are to share, and sometimes you may feel you haven’t really been understood. You feel pushed away and closed off. What could have been a bonding in your relationship can instead be a rift and a separation.

Years ago I was at a conference and heard a prominent Catholic priest and nationally-recognized author tell this story. He had a young woman friend who had been hospitalized with a serious medical condition. In the hospital she was frightened and suffering emotionally, and she later told the priest that there was one person out of all her visitors who really made a difference for her when she was feeling so hurt and vulnerable.

When the priest asked what this man did the woman replied, “He didn’t try to tell me it’ll be all right and he didn’t try to fix me,” she said. “He showed me he understood because he just got on the floor (figuratively) and cried with me.” The woman felt seen; she felt someone was willing to share where she was at the moment.

I think we so often shy away from just listening when the other person wants to share their feelings with us, probably because we don’t want to know they’re in so much pain or distress, and we don’t know what to do with our own feelings. So we try to steer people away from saying what they authentically feel. Instead we tell ourselves we’ll make them feel better by saying it’ll be over soon, or time heals all things, even when we know those papered-over comments don’t feel good when we’re in their situation.

Yes, time does heal. “But who’s going to be with me right now while I’m hurting? You obviously aren’t because you’re trying to get me to look at something else when what I want is not to feel so lonely in this deep hurt, fear and confusion I’m feeling. I want someone to be here with me, not trying to talk me out of my real experience at the moment.”

Telling someone things will be better in the future is something like hearing someone talk about their pain, then pointing out the pretty bird on the tree limb outside the window. They don’t want to talk about pretty birds right then. They want to be heard and seen and understood. They want someone to treat them with enough respect to honor their pain and feel it with them and cry with them, not ‘fix’ them and try to distract them in patronizing and condescending ways.

There are certainly situations where some people seem to wallow in their pain and they want someone to wallow with them. I’m not talking about that. That’s enabling them to stay stuck. I’m talking about times when genuine feelings just seem to need to be shared. After you’ve listened completely and with compassion your date or partner may feel great relief. Then there’s no need for them to continue to replay the painful times again and again. In the process you can’t help but develop a closer bond and a deeper appreciation for each other. It’s the love of real caring and support. And it happens when you’re able to simply be present to ‘what is’, without trying to control life and make it different than it is.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

138. Do you really feel happier when you’ve made sure you’re right and your date is wrong?

I ordered the Special, a sandwich with a bowl of soup, at a small deli a few months ago. One woman in this small restaurant was making and serving the sandwiches. When she brought my order to the table the soup was missing so I politely reminded her of that. When she said I hadn’t ordered soup I explained what I thought I had ordered from the reader board. It turns out that the hand-written board was a little confusing and I hadn’t ordered what I thought.

In the process of explaining what my order actually was this sweet but kind of crusty woman said, “I’m right, you’re wrong, get a clue.” I laughed out loud, as I’m chuckling now while I type this. She was right and she really wanted me to know that.

Unfortunately, in our dating relationships we often have a strong need to be right and prove the other person wrong. It could be about a conversation you had earlier that you’re sure you remember correctly, or any other incident. The point is some people really want to make sure you know they’re right.

If you have a tendency to do this ask yourself, does it work? Does it ever pay? Most likely your date or partner feels diminished or humiliated if you prove yourself right. Or at the very least they probably don’t appreciate your insistence on making them wrong. And if you look inside you’ll probably find you don’t feel so good yourself. Don’t you feel happier and more peaceful when you’ve made someone smile and feel worthwhile? Do you feel somewhat diminished yourself when you have to make someone small so you can feel worthwhile?

Just observing how we feel inside makes it pretty clear that our true nature is caring and compassion. It’s not ridicule, derision or unkindness. We probably don’t intend to be mean but we’re so intent on appearing superior – or at least being equal and worthy – that we belittle someone in the process. The funny/sad thing is that we don’t feel superior at all when we stop to look. We can actually feel pretty stupid.

You’ll notice that people who have a good sense of themselves don’t need to make anyone wrong. They see that we’re all human and sometimes we make mistakes in memory. So what? Once you’ve seen the reality of this you may not need to be “right” any longer. You’ll probably have a more pleasant time dating, wouldn’t you think?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

137. Taking risks can be a way of loving yourself and delighting in a new adventure

Several years ago I went as a single to a ballroom dance. I was sitting through one number because it was Latin music I didn’t know how to dance to. A woman came up and asked me to dance. We’d never seen each other, and it felt good to have her ask. She wasn’t particularly pretty or a skilled dancer, but I said ‘yes’ and we had a good time, even though I didn’t really know what I was doing. It was a chance to meet a person I probably wouldn’t have met.

She was an attorney out to have fun and obviously she wasn’t going to sit around the sidelines hoping someone would ask her to get on the floor. No. She decided to take charge and control her own happiness. I can’t imagine any man at the dance who wouldn’t have wanted to dance with her, just because she asked.

Somewhere in our society we got the idea that a man can control his destiny by asking for what he wants, but a woman can’t. There may have been a reason why that made sense in the past. But I can’t think of any reason today, can you? Women want and deserve equal rights. Yet so many ‘mature’ or ‘senior’ women still don’t recognize they can assert their equal status by just changing their attitudes about old roles. Every man I know has been turned down for a dance or a date when he’s asked, at some time in his life, probably many times. I've sure had my share of turn-downs.

You might be surprised, though, at the women over the years who have told me they won’t ask a man to dance or to go out because they don’t want to be rejected. They say it’s scary to risk being turned down. But is that worse than not having the opportunity at all? Asking and being turned down doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. In fact, it probably has nothing at all to do with you. No man who’s even a little bit caring about people is going to turn a woman down because she doesn’t look right for a dance. Come on now, it’s just a dance.

As for a date, it is possible that a person you ask to go out just doesn’t feel you’d be a fit together? In that case, honesty is the best policy. Being turned down doesn’t really have anything to do with you at all. I met a woman who I later called and asked about dating and she told me her daughters had recently moved away from home and she needed some space to herself, without being encumbered by anyone else. We had been introduced by a friend and had a first meeting with the idea that we might spend some time together.

Our coffee meeting went well I thought and she seemed like a nice person I’d like to get to know. I’m not sure whether she changed her mind because I didn’t strike her right, or whether in fact she just needed time alone. But it didn’t matter. I didn’t take it as a reflection on me at all, and you don’t need to either if it happens to you. It just means it wasn’t meant to be, and that’s all it means.

The sad thing about all this is that we limit ourselves by rules and roles imposed by others. “They” say it’s not the proper way. Who is “they”? And why should their voices be heard above our own? The key is to follow your heart. What would you like to do, ask someone to dance, or meet for dinner or a movie? Then ask.

Every day we fall into the old habits of limiting ourselves because of what others have told us or what we’ve come to believe about ourselves. But you can question those beliefs, including the belief that if I’m rejected I won’t be able to handle it. Is that really true? What’s the worst that could happen? Most of those old admonitions aren’t true and may never have been true for us. But we’ve unconsciously bought into them. And they leave us emotionally ragged and poverty-stricken when we live by them.

We go around saying we want love. But are we expecting that to come from someone else? Getting love is our job. Why not step in and love ourselves? We treat ourselves well by following our hearts, that intuitive voice that says, “Let’s do this.”

If you had a grown daughter would you tell her, “It’s okay to go to a dance, Honey, but I’d sure be disappointed if I knew you had asked a man to dance.” Or would you discourage her from asking a man out? Of course not. You’d encourage her to live to the fullest and have a good time. But for you, it may look different. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. I’ve never asked a man to dance before. It would just seem so odd.”

Sure, it might seem odd. But taking risks is a part of life for all of us. No one feels comfortable doing something they’ve never done before. But we can push out and do it anyway. What can you lose, except your fear of doing it? Chances are you’ll be delighted with the result. You’ll meet a new person, have a chance to dance or date when you would have been sitting on the sidelines, and best of all, boost your own self-esteem and self-confidence.

Every time we push out into new territory for ourselves, we win, even if the result doesn’t turn out to be what we expected. Why do we win? Because we’ve achieved one more thing in our lives, jumped one more hurdle, opened up to one more experience. And every experience is a new adventure.

Living is about flowing with life, not cutting off life. If your intuitive sense says asking someone to dance or date sounds interesting, why not go for it? Only memories of what has happened or what you ‘should’ do could cause you pain. Drop those wispy memory-thoughts and what’s left? Just the adventure of living spontaneously and freely. And maybe meeting the guy of your dreams.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer