294. We shape our dating life like cookies from a cookie press

When you see a star-shaped cookie you know it’s been made with a cookie press. A lump of dough is placed in the back end of a tube, then squeezed out through a disk pattern in the front end that shapes it into a star to be baked as a cookie. The original lump of dough looks entirely different after it goes through the shaping disk of the press.

That’s how most of us deal with what we experience in life much of the time. We innocently and unconsciously shape it into a pattern, based on our own beliefs, without realizing that we’re no longer dealing with the fact of a situation. Our self-shaped story is painful to us because it argues with the facts. We’ve pressed “what is” through our cookie press.

For example, a friend of mine, in her 60s, told me recently that a man she’d been dating suddenly stopped calling. When she called him and left a message he didn’t respond. Immediately she began to feel that he wasn’t interested and that she was unworthy and had failed again as a desirable woman. She had shaped her own story and was no longer dealing with reality, which is that the man hadn’t called or responded to her calls.

Without realizing it she had put his action of not calling through her cookie press and it came out as “He doesn’t want to talk to me so I must not be okay.” But she didn’t know that for sure. Maybe instead he was injured and hospitalized, maybe he was sick, maybe he had a family emergency and had to suddenly leave town.

Even if she could confirm that he wasn’t interested in her any more does that need to be painful for her unless she puts that thought through her cookie press and comes out with an “unworthy cookie” story? Where does that “unworthy” idea come from except her own belief – her own self-created story? He could even say, “You’re not worthy of me,” and so what? That would be his perception, and he has a right to it. But if you push it through your cookie press and believe it means you’re worthless you’re now hurting because of your own fantasy. You’re no longer dealing with reality.

The mind is a wonderful slave but a terrible master. Every emotional pain we ever have occurs because we put facts through our cookie press and believe what comes out the other end. We forget that the star cookie isn’t really a star, it’s cookie dough.

This is why the sages have consistently said, “You’re not in the world; the world is in you.” We each create our own world, pressed out through our own cookie presses. If you want to live more happily and have more fun in these mature dating years just notice when you’re hurting emotionally – feeling disappointed, empty, worthless, jealous, angry. Then ask yourself, “Where have I taken what’s real and shaped it into my story?” It’s always the story that makes us hurt because it’s not true.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

293. She wanted an explanation she didn’t get, and was upset

“Will you tell me why you don’t want to come to dinner?” Kathleen asked. She had invited me to dinner after we had agreed to go for an afternoon walk. We’d met 6 weeks earlier and had gotten together several times. But I wasn’t ready then to come to dinner so I had thanked her and declined. I told her I didn’t want to explain any reasons but that I felt it was best not to do that right now.

“Well, I know I’m responsible for my feelings and you’re responsible for your feelings,” she said. “However, I do feel that sometimes people owe me an explanation. Are you saying you won’t explain? I’d just feel more comfortable if you told me why,” Kathleen said. “Yes,” I said, “I understand you’d like an explanation but as you said, I’m not responsible for your feelings and I’d prefer not to have to explain myself.”

Kathleen went on to say that this kind of response from me wouldn’t work for her and said if I held to my view we’d need to end further contact, which we did. In a conversation with her several weeks earlier she had told me about a married son of hers who lived some distance away who wouldn’t agree that her dog could come with her for a week-long visit in their home. She told me she was irritated and angry about that and that “it took me quite awhile to get over that.” So I wasn’t too surprised over her reaction to my lack of explaining things to her satisfaction.

In both these cases Kathleen obviously felt she had a right to get what she wanted, and was upset when it didn’t happen. Her reactions and responses were typical of many relationship problems that stem from expectations and rights people think they have over other people. But do we have rights over how others live their lives?

The actuality of real life tells us we like to be able to live our own lives without judgment and condemnation. So when we try to interfere with the way others live aren’t we trying to control them in ways we don't want to be controlled?

If you’re upset because your date or partner doesn’t explain his activities, you can relieve your stress by asking yourself, “Do I know how he should live his life and does he owe it to me to explain why he does what he does?” If you’re not happy with his behavior toward you it doesn’t mean you have to understand. You only have to see that this is reality and take whatever steps are right for you, accordingly.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

292. A love companion can never fill your emotional void or make you happy

Some years ago I dated a woman for a short time who was very successful in her career but she admitted that when it came to relationships she always ended up choosing the same kind of person and it was a disaster. On the outside her two husbands and other committed dating companions she had had were quite different. But on the inside, it turned out, they were pretty much the same. They all filled a hole in her for a short time but eventually the game was up and things flew apart.

Until we understand that always the primary relationship we have is with ourselves, we’ll be looking for another person to complete our lives or make us whole and we’ll never be happy. Successful relationships don’t work that way. Unless we bring a healthy, happy emotional grounding to any relationship we’re always going to be victims of that person we choose.

We end up manipulating our partner or date because we think we need to keep them in place so they’ll continue to give us what we lack. If they don’t show love in the way we think they should, for instance, we get scared. That fear can turn to anger with our partner for betraying us. Or we may find we’re bending ourselves into a pretzel to do everything we think our partner wants so we won’t be abandoned. Both are just different forms of manipulation. And of course it pushes your partner away because you’re expecting them to do your job, which is to make yourself happy.

What it comes down to is that we attract to ourselves the kind of person who fills the hole in us. For example, if we’re needy we attract a care-taker. If we’re controlling we attract a pushover. It’s simply the nature of how life works, this time showing up in relationships: you can’t have up without down or in without out. And you can’t have needy without a care-taker. But the care-taker and the pushover can only exist in that environment for so long, then all hell breaks loose when they can’t stand their roles any more.

Then the needy, or controlling, or care-taking one moves on to the next date or partner and the cycle repeats, complete with all its pain. Seeing it this way it’s clear that relationship problems aren’t ever about “them.” Any emotional hurt we ever feel is always about us. That’s why we get such a huge payoff when we’re willing to look honestly at the realities of life and question our beliefs. If we’re needy we can look to see if it’s true that we can’t take care of ourselves. If we’re a controller is it true we need to control so we won’t feel fearful and insecure? One question you might ask, for example, is this: Is there security in this world?

If you’re a person who seems to end up with the same kind of problem in virtually every romantic relationship you have, you can stop all the pain by just turning inside rather than jumping to someone outside to make you feel good. Find out the truth of who you are and stop telling yourself the lies that keep you victimized. Finding someone to fill your emotional holes just ain’t never gonna work!

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer