297. See which way the wind blows with your dating and you can be happily content

Did you know that baby wolves in the far north live or die depending on the wind? Literally. I saw it on a nature program on TV the other night. (And you won’t believe how this ties into mature dating! ) Here’s how it works.

The wolves are born in the spring and nurse from their mothers until early summer. Then they need solid food, which for the wolves are the caribou that inhabit the same terrain. The problem is the baby wolves can’t travel far and if the caribou herds don’t travel near them there’s no food for the young ‘uns.

What causes the herds to travel in a certain direction? Mosquitoes, believe it or not. They’re so fierce in the summer months that the caribou herds travel into the wind to keep the mosquitoes away from their faces. So their direction of travel is determined by which way the wind blows. If that takes them away from the wolf dens there’s no food for the wolves and the young ones don’t survive.

So it’s a story that reads like this: Baby wolves can’t live without solid food after a couple of months. Why is there no solid food? Because there are no caribou. Why aren’t there caribou? Because the herds are moving in other areas. Why don’t the wolves follow them? Because the babies are too small. Why do the caribou travel in other directions? Because of swarms of mosquitoes. Why do mosquitoes dictate which way the caribou travel? Because caribou travel into the wind to keep mosquitoes away from their faces. Why does the wind blow in a certain direction? Who knows? If you were a meteorologist you could probably trace this back further but eventually you’d come to “I don’t know.”

Now, how the heck does this relate to mature dating? This way: I know from experience that a lot of seniors I’ve dated and know spend a lot of time in anguish, trying to figure out why something happened. They think if they can figure out why, they may be able to come up with a solution: “Oh, he didn’t call me after two dates. Why? I revealed too much about myself too soon. Obviously that was the wrong thing to do.” Solution: “Make sure I hold back and try to say only what I think men want to hear.” You get the idea I’m sure.

The point is this: The question “Why?” is wasted effort. Everything causes everything. In other words, you can try to trace any happening back to its cause and you’ll never find one. We could even get back to, “Why is there a world or a universe?” When you give up questioning why, you also give up the need to try to manipulate circumstances to control the outcome you want. So much effort and turmoil!

It’s much more natural in life and in dating to simply be an observer rather than a questioner. Life is the way it is. How can we know it shouldn’t be another way? It isn’t, that’s all. Should that guy have called again? No, because he didn’t. End of story. End of anguish and effort and suffering. Life obviously has other plans for you.

As that ancient Chinese spiritual text, the Hsin-hsin Ming (The Mind of Absolute Trust) says, “When one is free from attachment all things are as they are, and there is neither coming nor going. When in harmony with the nature of things, your own fundamental nature, you will walk freely and undisturbed.”

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

296. When we stop believing our thoughts dating can be another simple phase of life

Have you known people who get lost in their worries at times and just go deeper and deeper into pain and confusion? We sometimes hear people say they need to get hold of themselves. We can see their thoughts have taken them for a deeply painful ride.

It’s easy to do. About a year ago I was with Pete, a friend of mine, when he got a call from his daughter-in-law, Julie. She had just returned from an overseas trip and was to be met at the airport by her husband, Pete’s son. But the guy wasn’t there to meet her and Julie wondered if Pete knew where he was.

Within minutes Pete was almost a nervous wreck. His son always carried a cell phone and was very responsible. He’d certainly have been there to pick up his wife who had been gone for several weeks, Pete assured me. The next thing I knew Pete was in real turmoil as he worried about what happened to his son. About an hour later he got another call. His son had arrived and was just fine.

A few weeks ago this same Pete talked to me about another matter, this one involving a woman he’s been dating. He had tried to set up something with her and hadn’t gotten any response from her for several days. “This just isn’t like her,” he said. Immediately he knew she must be tired of him and he wondered aloud why she didn’t just tell him she didn’t want to see him any more rather than avoid him. He was in a world of agony and anguish.

A few days later he swung by her house and she met him at the door. She was her usual self, friendly and warm, and unhesitatingly invited him in. During the ensuing conversation it turns out that he had sent her an email and thought he had asked for a response. She, on the other hand, didn’t realize he wanted a response and thought that plans were already firmed up. It was all a misunderstanding.

In both incidents – his son not showing up at the airport and his conviction that this woman had unceremoniously dumped him – it was only Pete’s futurizing thoughts that caused him so much suffering. To this day he doesn’t know why his son wasn’t at the airport.

Even when we get proof that we can’t believe our thoughts, as Pete did twice, we still believe our thoughts. We know a relationship shouldn’t end. We know our date shouldn’t be rude to us. We know we should have a partner. Yet it’s only because we believe we know how the world should work rather than seeing how it does work that we live in such emotional pain and turmoil. When will we ever live comfortably in the not-knowing and simply be with what is, watching it unfold, peacefully and painlessly moment to moment? After all, that’s really the only truth there is.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

295. If you want painless dating in these mature years try this

Because dating, even in these mature years, is so personal and it so easily pin-pricks into our self-worth issues we can often have heart-wrenching pain and suffering as we go about meeting new people and attempting to find a new partner. In these articles I’m suggesting what is a radical idea to most people, and it’s this: All – and I stress the word all – of our emotional suffering comes only from our thoughts.

Nearly everyone thinks suffering comes from the outside. In dating we think it’s caused by what our date or partner says or does. But when we look closely we see that thoughts are the cause. We see what is, think it shouldn’t be that way, and suffer. In short, we make up our own stories, our own fairy tales and fantasies about how life should be. We believe our story, and since we can't get our way and change what is we hurt.

A simple example: You’re at a dance with Joe. Joe decides to dance with another woman and you’re hurt. It’s your thought, not Joe, that caused your pain because if you didn’t know Joe was dancing with another woman you wouldn’t hurt at all. So it’s not his act but your thought that makes you hurt.

“Yes,” you might say, “but when I find out he’s dancing with another woman it hurts because that obviously means he’s not very interested in me.” But if you didn’t believe your story that he’s not interested in you would you still be hurting? Maybe you find out that he felt sorry for a woman he’s seen sitting alone all evening. He cared and just wanted to give her a chance to dance. His dancing with her had nothing to do with you. You could still choose to hurt because you might feel he still shouldn’t have danced with her. You might still think if he really cared about you he wouldn’t do that. But that would be entirely your projection. Can you really be sure that Joe isn’t just caring about someone and that it has nothing to do with his lack of interest in you? If you turned it around you might even feel more love for Joe because you can see what a caring, thoughtful man he is.

To me, the simple proof that it’s always our own thoughts that cause us to suffer is this: When we go to sleep at night there’s no suffering, except possibly in a dream. We may be in the middle of horrendous heartache when we go to bed. But when we fall asleep where is the pain? The circumstance hasn’t changed but we’re not projecting our interpretations and judgments onto it during those sleep hours.

We think we know how life should be, and especially how our life should be. If someone we love leaves us we know they shouldn’t. We know we could be their perfect partner, and we feel the emptiness and craving for their love because we think we know how it should be. To relieve that pain ask yourself if you can be certain that your thoughts are true.

Can you absolutely know life should be your way? Is it possible that the Power behind your breathing and heartbeat, and that keeps the stars in place, knows what it’s doing? Are you 100% sure that this woman who left you would be your best life partner? How do you feel when you stop believing you know best and just see life as it really is? There is peace and simple happiness. Then dating is an interesting, fun adventure. And isn’t that what you really want? – happiness right now?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer