145. Psychological baggage will stop any chance you have for good new relationships

You can’t bring an open, fresh perspective to mature dating when you’re holding onto resentments and hurts from a past marriage or relationship. Those feelings will surely affect any new relationship you try to form. So obviously the solution is to get past those hurt and confused feelings. But how?

The most direct, straightforward way I’ve found is what the masters have been teaching for centuries – investigate and see reality as it is. The only reason we feel painful thoughts of any kind – and the painful feelings that clearly follow those thoughts – is that we hold onto the idea that something shouldn’t have happened. Investigating just means asking yourself, “Since this has already happened is it true it shouldn’t have?” The answer is pretty clear. How are you possibly going to change the past? It’s over. Done. Period.

“Yes,” you may be saying, “she did what she did but that doesn’t make it right. It wasn’t fair to me and now I’m hurting. And you’re telling me I’m causing my own hurt? Come on!” What I’m saying may not feel loving and caring at first, so asking a person to face that they’re responsible for their hurt doesn’t necessarily get applause. No rave reviews for that! But we’re not looking for quick and temporary fixes here. We’re looking for long-term peace and inner joy.

So let’s deal with truth here. The truth, any time we’re hurting psychologically – any time! – is that our own thoughts are the cause, never what someone else has done. Your partner or wife may have done something you consider wrong, let’s say she had affairs and now you’re divorced and bitter.

When we look realistically at life what do we see? Do people have affairs? Yes. Is it a fact of life? Yes. Did it happen? Yes. Can you change it? No. The reality is your partner had affairs. You know it was meant to happen that way because life just is. If it can happen to anyone anywhere it can happen to any of us can’t it?

Then you can ask yourself: How do I feel when I think it shouldn’t have happened? Usually the answer is: miserable. Another question: How would feel if I didn’t have that thought?” The consistent answer is: a lot more peaceful. So then take a look at that original thought: “My wife should not have had affairs” and turn it around: “She should have had affairs.” How do you know that? Because it happened. Simple as that. That’s dealing with reality isn’t it? You’re no longer dealing with false statements. Now you’re dealing with what is. You can ask yourself why she would do it until you have no more breath to ask but you’ll never get the answer. So forget trying to figure it out. Instead, you can put that energy into just dealing with life as it is now.

We’ve been taught all our lives to view life according to a lot of ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ and therefore argue with it when it isn’t the way we want it. But that’s crazy when reality stares you in the face so unmistakably. In this universe what happens happens. Without our judgments and stories there’s no deep, lasting pain associated with it.

Sure, if your wife leaves you for another man there will be feelings of loss. But if you don’t mentally leave yourself over and over by playing that scene of your wife and her affairs you’ll soon see that life is about change and it’s obviously time for your life to change. Again, how do you know? Because it happened. Reality is reality. What is, is. Period. Stop arguing with it and be at peace and able to move on. Harbor judgment and feed it by playing it over and over again and you prolong your misery. Suffering is always optional.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer