148. Seeing life “as it is” makes dating happier and easier

The other day I was in a small retail store, talking to the cashier as she checked me out. She was describing her family’s plans for the Fourth of July. Another cashier overheard the conversation and immediately chimed in disapprovingly with, “You couldn’t catch me on the roads during the Fourth!” It wasn’t even her conversation yet she felt a need to weigh in from her point of view.

Often I hear people saying, “I would never do – such and such,” that they’re criticizing someone else for doing. Somehow we think we’re the reference center for life as it should be, according to us. In dating this can cause you a lot of suffering because you’re automatically judging anyone who doesn’t live life the way you live it. You make yourself unhappy with your judgments because others don’t measure up, and you know they should measure up.

It goes like this: “George said he’d call and he didn’t. I would never make a commitment like that and not follow through.” But George isn’t you. You may even think that everyone who’s decent or kind or loving, or whatever label you put on it, would say or behave like you do.

That’s a habitual way of thinking that most in our society have picked up as we've gone through life. It’s what we do best – judge others. Have you ever noticed, however, that your judging always hurts you? It never feels warm, open and free when you judge. Have you ever seen anyone smiling openly while they’re judging? More likely you see them scowling, tight-lipped and grim-faced. Isn’t that a clue to what judging feels like inside?

I don’t know about you but I was immediately repelled by the woman who jumped into our July 4th conversation with judgment and a scowling presence. I always tend to move away from people like that. I don’t need to judge her; she’s fine the way she is but I prefer not to be around her.

If you happen to catch yourself thinking or saying, “I would never do what so-and-so does,” you might want to notice that you’re using yourself as the reference point for how life should be. We each have our way of living and others have their way. Life just is that way; we’re not all the same, nor should we be expected to behave the same. If you judge by comparing others to yourself you may want to notice whether it feels peaceful or not. You might be more peaceful, and also more pleasant to be around as you date, by just asking yourself, “Is it true I know how that person should be? Just because I’d do it differently does that mean I’m right?” If you let go of “I’m right” and “my way” thinking and just see life as it is you might find yourself having a lot more fun too. When judgment is gone what’s left is simply observing life as it is. And seeing life as it is never makes us suffer.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer