156. Looking “out there” she couldn’t see reality and her own answers

In my last article, #155, I wrote about Muriel wanting more from her relationship with Jeff, when he simply wants to be friends. As it turns out, we later exchanged several emails about her situation since she was asking what I thought was wrong with Jeff - and men in general - because he doesn’t want to commit to a romance and marriage.

I suggested that to find peace she could simply see reality (Jeff wants only a friendship) and stop trying to figure out why Jeff does what he does. Obviously the reason she wants to figure him out is to counteract his reasoning and thereby change his mind. But if she simply sees that Jeff wants only a friendship, without adding her story and questions, she could then choose to have the friendship he wants, or she could choose to move on. Either way she wouldn’t be waiting for him to change so she could be happy.

As we dialogued by email, however, I saw again that it’s sometimes quite difficult for people to simply see reality and stop thinking about how life should be. It takes a willingness to let go of your old thinking. For example, when I suggested seeing Jeff just as he is she responded with things like, “He puts a lot of pressure on me. For instance, he says, ‘You can cure your diabetes yourself and get off medication. I can’t marry you til you do.’ And he has said several times, ‘I won’t marry a woman who drinks coffee. Have you stopped?’” She thinks it’s unfair for him to feel that way about her. But isn’t “unfair” just her judgment? Isn’t he, in fact, just being Jeff? Doesn’t he have the right to think and feel what he wants?

If she wanted to relieve her own suffering about this I again suggested she forget about what Jeff wants and just see the truth and deal with that in a way that serves her. Her response: “You seem to be saying, ‘I don’t care what happens to you as long as I am peaceful and happy.’” In fact, I’m saying just the opposite. I’m not saying “don’t care about the other person” I’m just saying when we see them as they are and stop trying to change them that is caring about them.

In the next email she wrote, “I still think it is a male thing to avoid relationships.” Again I realized we were talking about apples and oranges. Trying to figure out why men do what they do (and Jeff in particular) can never bring peace. But seeing that they behave or think in certain ways is again just seeing reality as it is. It may seem to be true that some men won’t commit, but if that were the case for all would there be men and woman getting married every day?

Our thoughts about what should be will always bring us pain because at the same time it’s saying that what is is not right. However, when we see what is as just the way it is and stop fighting it we can live in harmony with the world. We want others to change so we can be happy. But we could just skip the middle man (the person we want to change) and provide our own happiness. After all, it’s nobody else’s job.

When we clearly see life and other people’s action just as they are our actions will then flow effortlessly from that clear seeing. But when we’re putting all our energy into trying to guess or second-guess another person, who’s there for us? There is no clarity in swinging in the wind based on what someone else is doing or not doing.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer