171. Do you “throw good money after bad” when a relationship clearly isn’t working?

Why don’t we quit when we see it isn’t working in a relationship? We’ve all heard numerous stories of women physically beaten in a relationship, who go back time and again. Each time her guy apologizes on bended knee and each time she accepts him back, only to be beat up again. Sometimes this violence ends in death.

There’s an interesting article in the current issue of TIME online about the psychology behind not cutting your losses and losing even more. It was written in response to the president’s recent announcement that he wants to throw another 20,000 troops into the Iraq war.

Psychologists quoted in the article say that it’s very hard for us to give up once we’ve invested so much into some situation, whether it’s a losing business, a losing war or a losing relationship. Psychologist Eric Stone calls the pattern a “sunk cost”. In some way we know a resource that’s already been spent can’t be reclaimed but somehow we don’t recognize it. Instead we feel if we just throw more into it we’ll somehow recover what we’ve lost.

Of course you probably recognize that that’s really the ego wanting to be right or not wanting to lose. It could cause a George W. Bush to throw more money and lives into the sink hole of Iraq and it could cause any of us to throw more time and suffering into a relationship that simply isn’t working.

Psychologists speak of this as almost a given. The human species, they say, grew up in the same world as all other species – a world of limited resources. Apparently once we spend our precious hoarded capital – emotions, time, or money – it bothers us not to get a return. Somewhere in our primal wiring, we thus developed a defensive tendency to do precisely what we shouldn't do when faced with the risk of serious waste: throw more into the hole. They also say that eventually we all finally realize we’ve given enough and we just give up the ship. But sometimes we give up so late that the price we’ve paid is astronomical.

There’s another way of looking at life, however, that doesn’t involve the ego-me and all its wants. That way of seeing deals with reality, not hopes, desires and dreams. It means simply seeing life as it is, not as we wish it were. After all, it's our judgments that something should be different that cause us to see life in a skewed way and suffer.

Seeing reality as it really is is always more kind than suffering from the prolonged pain of wishing, hoping and wanting what isn’t. When we see clearly that the Life Force is the energy behind all life we’re much less likely to get trapped in thinking there’s a “me” that knows what’s best. We can let go of the “damned the losses I’m going to win yet” thinking that only could come from self-centered thinking.

In practical terms how is this clear seeing done? It’s really just a matter of seeing “what is” without our interpretation or resistance. In clear seeing there’s not a “person” there who wants something. It’s seeing without a judgment, just seeing.

A helpful way to see clearly is to start with any belief you have and question it, openly and honestly. A woman I know of in her early 60s is in turmoil over whether to stay in her 40+-year marriage or not. Her husband has had affairs and isn’t willing to pursue counseling.

Let’s say, hypothetically, her belief might be that this time it’s going to change. Here’s where the simple question, “Is that true?” can be very effective? Does she know he won’t change? No, she couldn’t know that. Does she know he will change? She couldn’t know that either. But without trying to interpret or second-guess the matter, what’s the reality? The reality is that he’s had a number of affairs. Another reality is that he appears not willing to look deeply into himself through counseling or other means. So what would be your best guess that he’ll behave differently in the future? Unless he sees his apparent need to be admired by other women will his behavior likely change?

If this woman sees this clearly she may be more able to recognize that it’s time to stop the marriage. On the other hand she keeps talking of the family not being together any longer, the grandkids not being able to come to the same house and visit Grandma and Grandpa, etc. The dream can carry us a long way, but it never carries us to truth. Instead, it carries us through months or years of suffering, only to end in finally giving up after all, with greater losses. In an earlier time of my life I lived this pattern more than once. Maybe you have too.

Seeing clearly and being honest with ourselves doesn’t always appear easy. My experience is that it’s the shortest way to peace and happiness though. Continuing to “throw good money after bad”, can put us in a large, deep hole.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer