232. Look and truly see… do you really need their approval?

When we’re children we learn to define ourselves by what other people think of us. We get praise from parents, teachers and other authorities when we do what they want. And we get criticized when we don’t.

Unfortunately as grownups, even in our 50s, 60s and beyond, we’re still trying to get others to approve of us, especially when we’re meeting and dating. “Will he like my hair?” “Is this color too bright?” "What if she’s dressed up and I’m wearing jeans?” “Gosh, maybe I shouldn’t have let her know I’m not always the confident guy I may appear to be.” It’s as though we’re saying to everyone, “Please like me so I can think I’m okay. Don’t disapprove of me because then I’m worthless.” That sounds like a silly exaggeration doesn’t it? But take a real look, if you’re interested.

Living with the need for approval takes so much energy and is so stressful. Worse, when we need approval so badly we can’t be our natural selves, so the person we’re with never gets to see the real “me”. We’re working so hard at doing it right that we’re being phony – sometimes so phony we hate ourselves later for giving in to what we didn’t want just to get approval.

While it’s easy to see how we got into the habit of thinking we need approval, it’s also easier than you might think to break it. All you need to do is question that habitual belief. If you look into it deeply you’ll probably see that what someone thinks of you has nothing to do with what you think of yourself. That is, unless you believe it matters. It’s all your own belief. You need someone’s approval, is that true?

I’ll throw in a little warning here: People often hear that investigating and seeing reality is the whole answer and they say, “Aw, it couldn’t be that simple.” If you’re thinking that I invite you to give it a try. Honestly look deep into the matter and see what’s really true for you.

Without that old belief think how much lighter and easier life would be. You’d just move smoothly and spontaneously through life, taking what comes, including anyone’s opinion about you. After all, they have a right to their opinions. And for them their opinions are right. But those opinions have nothing – not one thing – to do with you. If you really examine that carefully and see through the myth you’ve believed all your life it’ll be hard to be concerned about what anyone else thinks. You’re free then, and dating can be just a fun adventure.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer