69. What’s true? Q. and A. about truth in a relationship

In Article #68 I wrote about how our opinions and judgments cause us so much pain when they argue with reality. I used as an example a woman who tells her guy she’s leaving a relationship. He thinks she should stay with him, and he could get relief from his pain by questioning that, I wrote. A reader responded: “…if a relationship that was real is suddenly sabotaged by a person… why are we supposed to call (that) ‘truth’”?

I had written that the guy could question his belief that she should stay with him. Here, we’re not talking about the truth or untruth of her statements or reasons for leaving. That has nothing to do with it. What we’re talking about is the truth of “what is”. What is, is that she said she’s leaving. That’s the reality, no matter how you cut it. The question is, can we really know that reality shouldn’t be, and that our way (she should not leave) is the best thing?

Reality is what’s true because it’s happening. Any opinion about whether it should be happening is a judgment or a thought. That thought isn’t real or valid. It’s just a pattern of energy. What is actually the case, however, is what I call truth or reality. You can’t argue that it’s not because it is, just as you can’t sanely argue that it shouldn’t be because it is. When she walks out the door, you can’t argue that she walked out the door. The question then is examining how the real world works. People walk out sometimes. That’s the way it is. Should they stay? Obviously not because they left.

In the same way, if it’s raining today should it not be? Well, clearly it should be raining because it is. Or another way to say it may be, ISNESS reigns (no pun intended).We can argue that it shouldn’t be and be miserable. Or we can see “what is” as it is and be more peaceful. I’m reminded of the quote: “Know the truth and the truth will set you free.” The truth is what’s happening, not what we want to happen. The same reasoning applies to the woman walking out. Do we even know that in the long run it would absolutely be best if she stayed? I’d say no. You can’t know the big picture of the universe so you probably can’t say you know better. Meanwhile, when you argue with “what is” you’re always in pain. When you see it as simply reality, as it is, you feel much less pain. For more about the questioning process I’m referring to read Article #19 or click on the Byron Katie link at the right side of the page.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

68. Thoughts can make a dating world of pain when we don’t question them

Whether you’re a dating senior in your 70s or a mature dater in your 50s your thoughts can create a lot of pain for you. In fact they’re the sole source of pain. We look to our mind to provide relief. However, if you think about it no one has ever found a mind. We have a brain, which stores memories and helps us assemble them for useful tasks. But no one has found a mind. Why? Because there is no such thing. Mind is just a word we use for a bundle of remembered thoughts.

We think we create those thoughts. But if that were true we could turn them off and on couldn’t we? We wouldn’t have hurtful thoughts for hours or days at a time if we could just turn them off. No, thoughts come on their own. You don’t know what your next thought is going to be until it shows up. You’ve probably been aware at times that suddenly you’re humming a tune in your head. You didn’t ask for that to show up. In fact, it may be a song you haven’t even thought of for a long time. And here you are with this tune playing happily in your head.

When we feel emotional pain how do we get relief? The sages and mystics throughout the centuries have taught that since a thought isn’t real we can question its validity. Thoughts come and go, sometimes very rapidly, so they have no real substance. Yet when we’re caught in them they seem solid. For example, let’s say the woman you feel in love with says she doesn’t want to be with you any longer. That’s extremely painful. But questioning it can help. Is the thought that she should stay with you really true? What’s the reality? Is she moving on? Yes. So that’s what’s real, not your thought. The thought is a fiction.

So can you absolutely know it would be the best thing for you to be with her? I actually mean, can you really know that? If you answer truthfully you’d probably say no, you don’t know for sure, since none of us knows what’s best for our future. Then another question: How do you live when you hold onto your original thought that she should be with you, and now you see it’s not even true for sure?

Probably with a lot of pain. Without that thought, “she should be with me,” what do you feel? Probably a lot more peaceful because now you’ve seen reality. We honestly don’t know what should happen, though it feels like we do.

I recently had an experience where thoughts seemed to overwhelm me – thoughts of love and thoughts that brought pain. Even with this kind of questioning my painful thoughts seemed to stick for awhile. In the moment of inquiring the pain was gone, but then the thoughts would flood back in and I’d have to question again. So it’s not always a snap to feel peace right away when you investigate and see the truth.

But it’s only in seeing the truth that we’ll ever get rid of the pain. After all, when you think about it, that’s what happens after weeks or months of a loss. We finally begin to realize that life does go on without that person. In fact we may have met someone that’s a better fit. Thoughts can hold you hostage. But you don’t have to let them. See the reality that this universe has its own plan and it doesn’t always match ours. And see that no matter how we resist, the universe always gets its way. So why not flow with “what is”?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

67. She turned men off by her need for approval

Some years ago a woman friend in her 60s was telling me about how she felt a constant, low-level ache inside because she didn’t feel loved and approved of. She noticed that she was always striving to be extra nice to people and to do what she thought they might want, so they’d give her a few scraps of approval. She was single and realized this was affecting her dating life immensely. She knew she was turning men off by her needy behavior.

I think that happens a lot. As little people we don’t know enough to discriminate between someone who’s telling us the truth about ourselves and someone who’s blistering us with their judgmental criticism. So to survive we do the best we can, and we usually create some form of what we’d now call manipulation. We try doubly hard to be good, to please others so they’ll think well of us. Our whole concept of ourselves is put together from the things we take in from others since we don’t yet have the ability to filter what they say through the lens of reality. As children anything they say to us is true.

If a parent tells you you’re stupid, you think that thought over and over and build what seems to be a hard fact: you’re stupid. If a teacher tells you your purple cows aren’t right you know you have no artistic talent. And so it goes. I saw the movie about Johnny Cash’s life yesterday. It was clear he fought his dad’s harsh judgment about him virtually all his life, even after he was a huge music success. He never felt he was good enough.

Virtually none of us gets through childhood without hearing negative things about ourselves. We assume those things to be true so that’s the self-image we carry around as us. Even when we get beyond childhood we continue to hear the echo of those negatives statements from ourselves. I used to say, “When I grew up I took over the job of beating myself up.” We’ve heard we’re stupid, we put the thought into a little garbage bag and as adults every time we do something that doesn’t work we grab our little bag, pull out the “you’re stupid” garbage and remind ourselves again – “Yep, you’re stupid.”

The question then is how do we live life now without that baggage from the past? How do we get rid of that faulty self-image so we can approach life and dating with spontaneity and freshness and authenticity? What we can do is question to learn the truth. Whatever you think about yourself, is it really true? A woman I know was told as a child by her mother that she had piano legs. She didn’t feel good wearing dresses. When she investigated, though, she realized it wasn’t true at all. She didn’t have thin legs but they were certainly shapely. She began to wear dresses and felt quite feminine.

The point is, whatever you believe about yourself – whatever it is! – question it. Beliefs are just thoughts from the past that we’ve held for awhile. They’re dead, not alive like the present moment is. So do we want to believe these ill-formed, dead concepts or do we want to see what’s true right now? If you keep looking you may even see that the very concept of a “me” is just another thought. With that, you simply notice from your pure, unchanging reality, what life is, with no opinion, no judgment, no good or bad self-image. Just life living itself.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer