90. Without opinions and judgments happiness in mature dating is easy

Since we were very young we’ve been programmed to think that when we get what we want we’ll be happy. Even in the face of the lie that actual living shows that belief to be, we still somehow think that’s how life works: “Get what I want and I’m happy. Don’t get what I want and I’m unhappy.” In the case of being single in these mature years we often think we need a partner or a mate to be happy.

Yes the Wise Ones throughout the centuries have told us the opposite. An ancient and revered Chinese spiritual text of the 14th century, is called the Hsin-hsin Ming, or The Mind of Absolute Trust. It’s several pages long and written in the form of short statements about how to live an awakened or enlightened life of contentment

The very first statement of this honored writing says this: “The Great Way is not difficult for those not attached to preferences.” What the author is obviously saying is that when we simply see the reality of life as it is, when we don’t think it should be “our” way instead of the way it is, we’re at ease with life.

He goes on in other parts of the text to say, “To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind.” And, “When one is free from attachment, all things are as they are and there is neither coming nor going. When in harmony with the nature of things, your own fundamental nature, you will walk freely and undisturbed.”

So let’s take a look at this ancient wisdom in terms of mature dating. Can that understanding from centuries ago apply to the day-to-day disappointments, frustrations and psychological hurts of seeking a new mate at this stage of life? For me, the answer has been a definite Yes. Here’s why. Most of my life I lived with the belief that things should go my way. If they didn’t I was unhappy, sometimes in deep pain. After all, I shouldn’t have been divorced, I was a good husband and father. I shouldn’t have been widowed, I had a beautiful second marriage and I should have been able to enjoy Karen’s warmth and love into old age.

Now I’ve been single more than 11 years when I thought I’d be in a new marriage within a few years. Many friends have been divorced or widowed in those years and they’re coupled with a new mate already. What’s wrong?

Well, what I’ve now learned, after following the pointers of those Wise Ones from the past and today, is that nothing is wrong. Life simply lives itself and we as humans are part of the expression of that One Essence that shows up as everything that is. That Intelligence Energy or Supreme Power keeps the solar systems in place as well as beating my heart and breathing my lungs. It (God is a word many use) obviously knows what It’s doing, even when from our self-centered viewpoint It appears not to. Seeing that, it’s now easy for me to see that if I was supposed to have a new spouse now I would.

So, applied to senior dating here’s the bottom line. What’s supposed to happen is happening, not because it’s “supposed to” for some righteous or moral reason but “supposed to” because it IS. For you and me it’s simply a matter of seeing reality as it is, to begin to find more peace and happiness in our lives. In truth there is no “you” and “me”. Instead, there’s just a body that was brought into existence and is being lived AS an apparent individual. It’s that false notion of being a separate individual that causes us to hurt because we take the thoughts that show up for all of us, and try to make them our own. We add our opinions and judgments – judgments that argue with “what is”. The moment we argue with what already is we hurt.

Someone ended a relationship with you? That’s The Power expressing Itself that way. You haven’t found the right partner yet? That’s The Power expressing Itself that way. A tornado ripped through a neighborhood and killed 87 people? That’s The Power expressing itself that way. What else could it be? When surrendering to “what is” happens then we simply see Life as it is. And when we’re not arguing with Life and fighting reality we’re in the place of being fully present to every experience as it happens, whether it’s relishing the smell of a rose or fully devouring the delicious taste of a tender kiss.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer