92. When you’re a robot you destroy relationships and your own peace

When your VCR or your oven is programmed it can only function according to the instructions it’s been given. It has no choice. Click one button and it just goes through its programmed steps automatically. That’s functional and useful when we don’t want to spell out instructions to the machine each time we use it.

That same kind of programming in you isn’t so functional in your life, however. You may not even be aware of your own programming until you’re dating, or in a relationship, however. Then all hell can break loose. What’s functional in a piece of equipment is usually extremely disfunctional in our personal lives. But amazingly the method works the same way, whether it’s a piece of equipment or a human being.

The programming for many of us has happened in childhood, when we were innocent and simply doing what we could to survive, both physically and emotionally. We used the best tools we knew at the time and sometimes they worked. We might have been mad at Mom so we sulked in the corner and wouldn’t speak to her. Mom might have given in and we got what we wanted. So it worked. We all know hundreds of examples of this kind of manipulation or self-protective behavior we used when we felt vulnerable and powerless.

You’ve probably been in relationships in the past and noticed that your partner could push the buttons that would bring on those same feelings of vulnerability and powerlessness. Now, as you’re dating again as a mature man or woman you’d think most of us have gotten beyond these fear-caused flareups. But it isn’t true. An event today can trigger those same childhood, programmed responses that popped up automatically in the past. The funny thing is that our reaction often has very little to do with the current event and nearly everything to do with the memories programmed into us years earlier. In fact, in those circumstances we’re like a robot. The button gets pushed, we go through our programmed routine and then when we’ve finally settled down we often notice with astonishment that we were behaving just as we did when we were five, only in a mature body. Whew!

Relationships can end with blowups like this and you might actually be feeling it’s all the other person’s fault. If they just hadn’t done or said what they did you wouldn’t have reacted this way. So you move on to the next relationship and – oh my god! – the same thing happens. Different circumstances, different buttons being pushed, different behavior and words, but same kind of reaction. In fact, it feels the same inside you; you’re hot, your palms are sweaty, your stomach is churning. Same ol’ stuff! You might start to notice, you have no more freedom than that VCR or a robot.

So you’re stuck! Or are you? Let’s say you’ve noticed that someone else in the same circumstances didn’t react at all. I have a friend who was talking to neighbors recently. The husband said something to his wife that triggered hot feelings in my friend. She thought he was rude. His wife, however, responded calmly and without apparent anger. Apparently nothing got triggered in her; there was no programming.

There’s one simple key to all this and it can be stated in one word: Thought. Somewhere between a behavior or word trigger and your robotic flareup in response to it there’s a brief gap. And that gap is where your thought pops in. It’s here where you could be self-aware instead of letting the conditioning or programming take over. You could ask yourself, for instance, if you’re certain you really know the truth about the situation. Is the response you’re about to boom out with really based on knowing reality? Or is it based on the story you’ve added to the situation?

To stop in that gap between the happening and your response to it you have to be conscious, in the moment, present. In that presence you have the chance to notice whether or not you really know what you’re doing. Or you can be on automatic and watch yourself destroy relationships and your own peace and happiness.

A final note: You may not always be able to catch yourself in the “heat of the battle” as they say. But you can always review any situation later and inquire enough inside you to see that you may have added your own story to simple facts. Bringing yourself to honesty and awareness in that way eventually leads to inquiring in the moment of a happening. With that sort of investigation it doesn’t take long until you’re free. You’re no longer run like a dummy by your programmed thoughts. All that programming has only ever been nothing more than thought. But isn’t it amazingly powerful when we don’t stop to question and see the truth?

SEE ARTICLE #19 FOR A POWERFUL METHOD OF SEEING REALITY WITHOUT A STORY

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer