107. “Why?” may be the wrong question but “what?” can lead you to dating ease

There may come times when you want to investigate your own behavior in a relationship that’s causing you to suffer. Harry says something and you immediately feel hurt and get defensive. You may intuitively know it’s not Harry’s fault that you feel hurt. Something inside just got triggered and hurt rushed in, unbidden and unwanted.

The tendency for most of us, I’ve learned, is to start asking ourselves why. Why am I hurt so easily? Why do I get so angry and defensive? Why did I have a mother who was so critical and made me feel worthless when I was small? Why do those same feelings come up that used to come up with my late wife when we had a problem?

Unfortunately, “why” questions always keep us stuck in a psychological morass. They keep us going in circles of self-recrimination and self-denial – often based on an ego-me that wants to be right. We start trying to find ways to force ourselves to remain calm in the future through will power. Yet, we’ve probably all seen that will power doesn’t work. If it did, we’d have had the problem solved long ago.

There is a question that works, however, and will lead to reality and peace. That question is “what?”. What happened? Just that. Very simply, what happened? Without our twist on it, without our spin, without adding how we think it should have been, what happened? When there’s clear understanding of reality as it is, without our judgment, the problem we thought we had dissolves on its own. It’s like going to the lake to get a bucket of blue water. Once we see that it’s not blue, even when it appears to be, we don’t need will power not to take our bucket to the lake again. Understanding pierces through the illusion and we never try for blue water again.

It’s the same in any situation when you’re hurt. Harry said some words and without our judgment of them or him where can there be a problem? Just like there can be no problem with a pink tulip – unless we think it should be yellow. Then there’s a problem. So “what” is a useful question. What is the truth here? What do I think should be my way instead of the way it is? Do I know that for sure? What’s my life like when I think I have all the answers to this matter? Do I really have the big picture and know on a larger, long-term scale what’s best? Is it possible the Universe is playing itself out perfectly, just because it is? What would my life be like if I didn’t have that belief that’s causing me to hurt? When we see things as they are we realize it’s crazy to argue with reality. And “what is” is always the reality.

[If you’d like a more thorough way of investigating reality to get out of suffering see Article #19 in the November 27, 2005 archives in this blog or go to www.thework.com and read about Byron Katie’s simple method called The Work.]

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer