109. Happy mature dating can be summed up in a few words: When it rains I let it

When we know what mature dating should look like and what our experiences in dating should be like, we’re going to suffer. Actually, that’s true of all of life, of course. We don’t know how it should be. So dating is easier and more of a lighthearted, playful, relaxed adventure when we can just watch how it is.

There was an item in a book I was reading the other day where a guy from Florida was saying to a group that when he catches a cockroach in his house he prays for it then kills it. The group laughed, of course. Then he went on: “One day I caught a cockroach and I threw it outside so it could live. In a second or two a lizard come out and ate it!”

Another man in the group said obviously that was good for the lizard and bad for the cockroach. He went on to recount how when he was in India he gave money to one beggar and not to another. Why? It just happens that way, he said. I’ve had the same experience in giving money to a homeless person. I give to one person and not to another. Why? The mind can come up with answers but deep down we all realize we really don’t know. Some years ago I was with a spiritual teacher Rajiv Misra from India one day and asked him about that. His answer was, “When it’s his money you’ll give it to him.” And reality says that’s true. When I give him money it’s no longer mine.

My friend Byron Katie tells the story of her house being robbed once. Her ex-husband was very upset but she was telling him, “It obviously wasn’t our stuff any longer. How do we know? We don’t own it any more. They do.” Life lives under its own rules and when we don’t fight them we live comfortably and at ease. We can simply be present to the moment – the way life is. Sometimes we’d call it good and sometimes we’d call it bad. But without labels it’s just what it is.

Dating in these later years of life can often be the birthplace for a lot of stress, disappointment and hurt. We want what we want when we want it, and we’re not happy when we don’t get it. In short, we want a loving, wonderful partner… NOW! But how do we know what should happen? The guy who threw the cockroach out of his home obviously thought it should have a chance to live. Nature, on the other hand, had its own idea. Nature obviously thought the lizard needed a meal.

When we give up the idea that we know how our lives should be, and just follow the obvious and percolate along in the mystery of life we don’t have problems. The Beloved seems to know what it’s doing. If we want to know what should happen, all we have to do is look and see what’s happening. It’s only when our judgments come in about how dating should be that we’re in misery. I have a little sign on my refrigerator that sums this all up in just a few words. It says, “When it rains I let it.”

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer