122. Questions about my statement: “People don’t love, they want something”

I was questioned about my meaning when I wrote in a recent article about romantic relationships that, “People don’t love, they want something.” The person who questioned me said she felt that even though people sometimes have problems in the best of relationships they don’t stop loving their partner, even when they’re angry.

So let me clarify a bit. When I said “People don’t love, they want something” I was speaking of unconditional love. No strings attached. Not wanting anything back. Having strings means to me that you love but that love is only acted out when your partner meets your conditions and demands.

To me it’s easy to say the words, “I love you”. But the actions of love are what count, not the words. When we love someone it seems to me that means we honor them by letting them freely be who they are. We treat them in kind and respectful ways even if they’re not living life the way we would live it.

When our partner is doing what we want, it’s easy to behave in loving ways. However, when we withdraw or get angry and punishing toward our partner if we don’t get what we want, that’s not what I call love in action. That’s “give me what I want” in action. That’s why I say people don’t love, they want something. What they want can be anything from, “I don’t want you talking to another man at a party” to “I want you to agree with my political views”. When the partner doesn’t toe the line we let them know by yelling, withdrawing, being sullen, etc. The range of manipulative actions anyone can take toward another is almost endless. Often our action toward our partner is designed to hurt them where we know they’re most vulnerable.

To me, any time we let our partner know we don’t like their behavior by not speaking, withholding touch, being sarcastic, saying hurtful things, etc., we’re not loving. We’re trying to control and get our way instead. Conditional love is a power play. It says, “I’ll be caring toward you if you give me what I want.”

As I look at relationships, including my own behavior in the past, I notice that most people don’t really love openly and without strings. We “love” when we get what we want and withdraw “love” when we don’t. The question is, does it work? Most of us use this behavior innocently. It’s what we learned to do as a means of survival in the past, usually in our childhood. It’s become a habit because we haven’t learned to investigate our beliefs.

By questioning ourselves the manipulation we felt we needed drops away by itself when we see that our basic assumptions are probably not correct. Is it true that our lady is cheating on us when she enjoys conversation with another man? Do we really know our partner should behave the way we would behave in the same situation? Is it really true that we always know best what should happen and how anyone else should act? Or is it more true that our partner just does what she does and that’s the way it is because the universe operates as it’s obviously meant to?

We don’t need to judge ourselves if we see we’ve been manipulating, and we don’t need to judge others for that behavior. We’re just seeing people do the best they knew how. Now, however, they may notice it hasn’t worked in the long run to make their relationships more loving and warm so maybe they’d want to question.

What I see is that manipulative, controlling, unloving actions drive a wedge in relationships. Does your woman really want to love you more when you get mad and yell at her because she danced with a guy at the wedding? Probably not. Judgment and manipulation is nearly always more painful for the one who judges. Freedom for both partners to be who they are leaves both in a feeling of openness, warmth, respect and caring. That’s what I call love. St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians says it pretty well.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer