196. Dating is suffering if you’re mentally in your date's business

Happiness is an inside job. It’s always an inside job. Our happiness is never dependent on what someone else does or says. They have a right to live as they want as long as they’re not imposing on others. Our judgments about what they do or say are what cause us problems and hurt. The problem is in here, not out there. And it can never be fixed out there.

The author and teacher, Byron Katie (www.thework.com), talks about the three kinds of business in the world: mine, yours and God’s. A hurricane is God’s business. If your partner goes out with someone else, that’s his business. If you get angry and jealous because he went out with someone else that’s your business. Through investigation and seeing reality you can fix your pain. But you can’t fix him.

Everyone, including your partner, has a right to live their own way. You may feel crushed and heartbroken because he chose to date someone else. But your heartbreak is your only business. What he does is still his business. That’s reality. Only when we argue with reality do we hurt.

Are we sure he shouldn’t have chosen to spend time with someone else? Do we think we know how the universe should run? Just as the weather should obviously be what it is, your partner should have done what he did just because, you notice, it happened.

It’s hard to get used to the idea that we aren’t in control of life. Instead, life is living AS us, and moving and acting exactly as it wants to through each of us. We can go along peacefully and enjoy the adventure and the mystery, or we can kick and scream as we try to force it our way.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer