198. What you see critically in others you’ll eventually see in your date too

I once met a woman who was attractive, literate, and bright, someone I thought I might like to get to know and possibly spend time with. We had met briefly by chance and later talked on the phone, with the idea of setting up a coffee date.

In that 20-minute phone conversation I had with her she talked almost entirely about what a bad guy her ex-husband had been. She had been married to him for about 12 years. According to her he was lazy, wouldn’t work regularly, criticized and demeaned her, was moody and foul, and more. I finally said, “You stayed in the marriage for a long time. Do you feel you were a participant in the marriage or just a total victim?” She was a victim she assured me; she took no responsibility for anything.

Immediately I knew I didn’t want to pursue getting to know her further. When you see life clearly you see that any time anyone blames others for their own lack of happiness they’re simply projecting their feelings on to that other person. With this woman I knew that if we spent time together and she got unhappy with me she’d be blaming me in the same way she blamed her former husband. If you see deception or anger in just one person you know that eventually you’ll see deception and anger in someone close to you who makes you unhappy.

Projection happens because we see everything through our own filters. If my filter is blue I see others as blue. Someone else has a red filter and sees the same person as red. In mature dating, when there’s no judgment about another person (no filter) we simply see them as they are – not right or wrong, good or bad. Then we naturally move toward or away from them because they’re either a fit for us or not. We place no blame “out there” and we remain happy and at peace “in here”.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer