210. Faulty self-beliefs can ruin your dating and your happiness

What we think of ourselves affects our whole view of life, including our dating relationships of course. I know a woman – I’ll call her Loni – who seems to see her whole life through a negative self-image. I was at a meeting one time, talking to a friend of mine, and happened to glance up to see Loni. Later she called me to ask why I was laughing at her. It turns out the moment I glanced at her I apparently was laughing with my friend. Loni knew I was laughing at her. That’s a pretty extreme example of a negative self-image but we all know that how we view ourselves colors our entire world.

Yet for most of us that self-image seems pretty solid; it becomes a thing, like a pair of colored glasses we wear every day. Every morning we get up and our glasses go on automatically. We’re looking at everything through that colored lens. Through the lens life looks like this: “Joe didn’t ask me for a second dance last night so obviously he thought I wasn’t good enough for him.” “Jill talked about her cousin’s great education so obviously she thinks I’m not very bright because I don’t have my doctorate.” It’s clear that our view of the world is all a projection based on our view of ourselves.

Since our self-image affects our dating so much maybe it’s worth taking a good look at it. What is a self-image, after all? We take it for granted that it’s who we are. But is that true? After all, when you look you can’t really find something called a self-image. If it’s real where is it located? It’s only a bundle of thoughts or mental images we hold about ourselves. And in fact that bundle of thoughts isn’t even consistent so how real can it be? Sometimes we think we’re pretty wonderful. At other times we think we’re complete losers.

If we examine those self-image thoughts what are they? It turns out they’re nothing more than ideas or concepts we picked up throughout life that we’ve believed in and made real for ourselves. A third-grade teacher didn’t praise your drawing the way she praised Jennie’s so there’s a label you stick on your forehead. It reads, “I’m not talented”. The kids laugh at your book report in the 6th grade. There’s another label; this one reads, “I’m stupid”. It doesn’t take long before your whole body is plastered with labels and if you read them it’s clear that you’re nothing but a loser. The proof is right there in the labels, see?

We’ve been living with them for years so they must be who I am, right? But is that true? All we have to do is investigate to find out. Is it true you’re not talented because that teacher didn’t happen to praise your work? Are any of those other self-image beliefs actually true? When you really look and be honest with yourself you see the fallacy of those beliefs. You see through that whole self-image illusion; you see it’s nothing but a sham.

Seeing reality – the truth of life – is powerful because when we see through the innocent lies we’ve been telling ourselves we don’t have to live with the suffering they cause any longer. Then we simply see life for what it is – events happening. Events that are no longer interpreted through an illusory self-image filter. Without our self-image projections the fact that Joe didn’t ask for a second dance means nothing more than the fact that it’s windy today. Life is what it is. Ah-so! Your contented happiness isn’t affected at all.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer