12. A clue: All emotional suffering is from thought

Do not seek the truth.
Only cease to cherish opinions.
- Sang-Tsan

Throughout history the Ancients have seen that the reality of life is that the world is what it is. It rolled along on its own long before we ever arrived, and will continue long after we’re gone. Yet we come along and think we know how it should be: My grandkids don’t come over often enough. The woman I’m dating works too many hours. He drinks too much. She’s too much of a flirt. And on and on it goes.

What I like about authentic teachers is that they don’t ask you to believe them. Instead, they say check it out for yourself. Have a good look. Does your opinion about how things should be really have an effect? Do we really know how it should be? Would it be kinder to let others be who they are? That doesn’t mean we have to be with them, but we also don’t have to try to change them. That’s not our job, and it’s controlling and manipulative.

We say, “Don drinks too much.” Is that true? Isn’t that like saying the sun shines too bright, or the sky is too blue? What’s the truth? The sun is as bright as it is, isn’t it? And the sky is as blue as it’s supposed to be, obviously. That’s it. Also Don drinks as much as he does. Without your opinion you just see the facts don’t you? That doesn’t mean you don’t help Don if he wants help and you’re moved to do so. But the results of that help are not your business.

Do we really know that if things were the way we thought they should be they’d be better? I think we’ve all had times in life where we’ve said, “Wow, that was a real blessing in disguise.” Other times we see no benefit for a certain happening. But do we really know even then?

In short, can we know more than God, or whatever you want to call that Intelligence-energy that is the One Source from which all things arise? Our thoughts aren’t a problem. After all, what created those thoughts of rejection and disagreement that you might have? Did you? Or are they just thoughts, meant to disappear into the same source they came from, like a cloud in the sky? All we need to notice is that they’re part of the happening of the world, always changing. We just don’t need to be attached to them as “mine”.

11. "Where there's no jealousy there's no passion." - What???

Ginny was set to perform in a local amateur variety show. The show ran for a week. She was proud of her talent and looking forward to her performances. My friend Roy had dated Ginny for a couple of months, and naturally was sharing her enthusiasm. One evening she told him about other friends she had invited to see the performance; several of whom were men she knew.

Roy expressed delight for her that she could share this proud experience in her life with friends who would also come to see her perform. But her reaction surprised him. There was a long silence, he told me, and he knew something was wrong. Ginny finally said, “Did you hear me that two of the people who are coming to see me this week are single men I know?” When Roy said yes he understood that, she responded with scorn, “Roy, where there is no jealousy there’s no passion,” she said. Further discussion revealed that she was hurt because he was feeling no jealousy. To her, jealousy would have been proof of his interest in her. Roy didn’t continue to date her long after that.

He later told me, “I just don’t live in that world. Why would I be jealous when I know it makes her proud to have friends come and see her sing?” Of course, her jealousy was a turn off to him. “I’m not interested in someone who clings to me and thinks she owns me,” he said. “If there can’t be freedom to have friends of either sex that’s not the kind of relationship I want.”

Realationships aren't ownership

The whole incident reminded me of how we’ve been conditioned in our society. Especially in the years when we were young, it seems to me, there was a real emphasis on exclusivity and ownership in relationships. Maybe it’s still that way for most of society, I don’t know. That jealousy is supposed to pass as love I guess: The more jealous you are, the more you love me.

To me, that’s a business contract: I’ll do this for you IF you do this for me. I’ll love you IF you don’t talk to other men. I once invited Theresa, a woman I was dating at the time, to a dance where there were large, round tables that seated four couples. We didn’t know any of the couples but talked to them at the table during the evening. Later in the evening Theresa went to the restroom, and it happened that the husband of a woman sitting near me was also gone for a few minutes.

Music for the dance was a big band orchestra and they began playing a great Glen Miller tune; we both said it was the perfect dance song and decided to dance it together since neither of us had a partner at the moment. There was nothing more than just a dance, a chance to enjoy the music. But when I got back to the table Theresa had returned and was clearly upset. When I asked her about it she said how rude she thought it was that I’d dance with another woman when she was there as my date.

I was surprised. When you really care for someone don’t you want for them what they want? With a little investigation into her own thoughts, Theresa might have realized that instead of falling into the old, conditioned response of jealousy, her reaction might have been different. Maybe she could have noticed I was having fun, and simply delighted in that. When I returned to the table she might have shared in the joy rather than wishing I’d sat alone at the table while a great dance piece played. Would you guess her reaction drew me closer to her? It’s like saying, “I’ll get mad at him/her so they won’t do THAT again! Boy, that’ll make them want to be with me.” Oh, really?

10. You’re impressive… or are you?

Have you ever been with someone who’s working hard to impress you? It’s so obvious. I know a woman like that. Jane is in her 50’s, bright, articulate, single… and lonely. When she’s in a group, especially around men, she struggles to be funny and clever and noticed. Clearly she’s putting out a lot of energy to be liked. When you’ve been with someone like that are you impressed? Does it ever work?

Yet, you may also be one who’s pretentious and posturing much of the time, especially around people in a dating situation. Maybe it’s just in subtle ways but you know you’re doing it when you notice how much energy it takes from you. You try to hold that phony smile in place, you try to use notable expressions.You avoid expressing an opinion that could conflict with someone else’s. You laugh when you don’t really want to and painstakingly keep your mask propped up.

Somehow we’ve grown up with the idea that to make a good impression we have to appear to be more than we are. It’s as if who we are isn’t good enough. We think they won’t like us and they won’t give us the approval we want if we don’t impress (press on) them with our value to them. We want them to walk away thinking that the fraud they met is who we really are.

It’s a lot of work. And for what? Why would we need to impress someone? We must think they have something we need: They can bestow or withhold approval. But is that really true?  The whole scene is really a sham. Is their approval or disapproval anything more than just an opinion they have? Does that mean you’re worthwhile or worthless?  No. Look at it this way: Two people listen to some music. One thinks it’s great, the other thinks it’s terrible. Is either right? No, the music is just the music. The same with you. Some like you, some don’t. But that has nothing to do with you. You’re just you.  

Even if we did succeed at getting approval by impressing someone, what did we really win? Well, we got someone who approves of our mask and costume. But they don’t know the person inside the costume. In short what we end up with is a lot of stress while we live the lie that we really do need someone else’s approval, and then the added stress of wearing our gussied up costume to get that approval.

And that’s not all. We’ve also got the long-term stress that every time in the future when we’re with that person, we have to wear the costume again. We have to keep it dusted off and looking glittery and gleaming all the time. Can it be done? Doubtful, very doubtful. Sooner or later your new friend will get to know who’s inside the costume. Will they then approve or disapprove? If they stay in your life that’s the way it is. If they leave, that too is the play of the Universe. If we see that reality of life suddenly our stressful “I need you to like me” game is ended. Life then is just about “being.” Wouldn’t dating be easier and more fun if you could just “be yourself” instead of having to “be someone better?”