10. You’re impressive… or are you?

Have you ever been with someone who’s working hard to impress you? It’s so obvious. I know a woman like that. Jane is in her 50’s, bright, articulate, single… and lonely. When she’s in a group, especially around men, she struggles to be funny and clever and noticed. Clearly she’s putting out a lot of energy to be liked. When you’ve been with someone like that are you impressed? Does it ever work?

Yet, you may also be one who’s pretentious and posturing much of the time, especially around people in a dating situation. Maybe it’s just in subtle ways but you know you’re doing it when you notice how much energy it takes from you. You try to hold that phony smile in place, you try to use notable expressions.You avoid expressing an opinion that could conflict with someone else’s. You laugh when you don’t really want to and painstakingly keep your mask propped up.

Somehow we’ve grown up with the idea that to make a good impression we have to appear to be more than we are. It’s as if who we are isn’t good enough. We think they won’t like us and they won’t give us the approval we want if we don’t impress (press on) them with our value to them. We want them to walk away thinking that the fraud they met is who we really are.

It’s a lot of work. And for what? Why would we need to impress someone? We must think they have something we need: They can bestow or withhold approval. But is that really true?  The whole scene is really a sham. Is their approval or disapproval anything more than just an opinion they have? Does that mean you’re worthwhile or worthless?  No. Look at it this way: Two people listen to some music. One thinks it’s great, the other thinks it’s terrible. Is either right? No, the music is just the music. The same with you. Some like you, some don’t. But that has nothing to do with you. You’re just you.  

Even if we did succeed at getting approval by impressing someone, what did we really win? Well, we got someone who approves of our mask and costume. But they don’t know the person inside the costume. In short what we end up with is a lot of stress while we live the lie that we really do need someone else’s approval, and then the added stress of wearing our gussied up costume to get that approval.

And that’s not all. We’ve also got the long-term stress that every time in the future when we’re with that person, we have to wear the costume again. We have to keep it dusted off and looking glittery and gleaming all the time. Can it be done? Doubtful, very doubtful. Sooner or later your new friend will get to know who’s inside the costume. Will they then approve or disapprove? If they stay in your life that’s the way it is. If they leave, that too is the play of the Universe. If we see that reality of life suddenly our stressful “I need you to like me” game is ended. Life then is just about “being.” Wouldn’t dating be easier and more fun if you could just “be yourself” instead of having to “be someone better?”