11. "Where there's no jealousy there's no passion." - What???

Ginny was set to perform in a local amateur variety show. The show ran for a week. She was proud of her talent and looking forward to her performances. My friend Roy had dated Ginny for a couple of months, and naturally was sharing her enthusiasm. One evening she told him about other friends she had invited to see the performance; several of whom were men she knew.

Roy expressed delight for her that she could share this proud experience in her life with friends who would also come to see her perform. But her reaction surprised him. There was a long silence, he told me, and he knew something was wrong. Ginny finally said, “Did you hear me that two of the people who are coming to see me this week are single men I know?” When Roy said yes he understood that, she responded with scorn, “Roy, where there is no jealousy there’s no passion,” she said. Further discussion revealed that she was hurt because he was feeling no jealousy. To her, jealousy would have been proof of his interest in her. Roy didn’t continue to date her long after that.

He later told me, “I just don’t live in that world. Why would I be jealous when I know it makes her proud to have friends come and see her sing?” Of course, her jealousy was a turn off to him. “I’m not interested in someone who clings to me and thinks she owns me,” he said. “If there can’t be freedom to have friends of either sex that’s not the kind of relationship I want.”

Realationships aren't ownership

The whole incident reminded me of how we’ve been conditioned in our society. Especially in the years when we were young, it seems to me, there was a real emphasis on exclusivity and ownership in relationships. Maybe it’s still that way for most of society, I don’t know. That jealousy is supposed to pass as love I guess: The more jealous you are, the more you love me.

To me, that’s a business contract: I’ll do this for you IF you do this for me. I’ll love you IF you don’t talk to other men. I once invited Theresa, a woman I was dating at the time, to a dance where there were large, round tables that seated four couples. We didn’t know any of the couples but talked to them at the table during the evening. Later in the evening Theresa went to the restroom, and it happened that the husband of a woman sitting near me was also gone for a few minutes.

Music for the dance was a big band orchestra and they began playing a great Glen Miller tune; we both said it was the perfect dance song and decided to dance it together since neither of us had a partner at the moment. There was nothing more than just a dance, a chance to enjoy the music. But when I got back to the table Theresa had returned and was clearly upset. When I asked her about it she said how rude she thought it was that I’d dance with another woman when she was there as my date.

I was surprised. When you really care for someone don’t you want for them what they want? With a little investigation into her own thoughts, Theresa might have realized that instead of falling into the old, conditioned response of jealousy, her reaction might have been different. Maybe she could have noticed I was having fun, and simply delighted in that. When I returned to the table she might have shared in the joy rather than wishing I’d sat alone at the table while a great dance piece played. Would you guess her reaction drew me closer to her? It’s like saying, “I’ll get mad at him/her so they won’t do THAT again! Boy, that’ll make them want to be with me.” Oh, really?