84. Without interpreting and judging, mature dating is an easy adventure

When we put labels on things, and judge them from a self-centered viewpoint, we usually cause ourselves a lot of pain. A simple example would be this. John has dated Mary a couple of times, then she tells him she doesn’t want to continue. John could interpret that from a self-centered perspective and feel hurt, telling himself all kinds of stories such as “she should have given herself a chance to really know me,” or “I shouldn’t have told her so much about my background.” Or he could see things as they are – Mary doesn’t want to date him any more – and simply accept that as the way it is. No story, no pain. After all, can he really know his interpretation of Mary’s action is right? Can he know he shouldn’t have revealed his background? If he really digs into it he’ll probably see that he can’t know those things at all. That’s just the mind trying to answer the question “why”?

The Tao Te Ching is a Chinese spiritual work from the time before Christ, consisting of 81 short verses of wisdom. It’s a classic that’s widely revered for the clear understanding of life it expresses, though at first some of its meanings may be hard to grasp. Its wise words apply to all of life, and in this case to the experiences we have in mature dating as well. Depending on our viewpoint we can have fun, happy experiences, or pain, as we date.

The mind is good at dividing and labeling, and with our thought-generated interpretations we suffer. Here’s an example of what the Tao Te Ching says about that:

When everyone recognizes beauty as beauty there is already ugliness.
When everyone recognizes goodness as good there is already evil.

In other words, we live in a world of duality – right/wrong, good/bad, beauty/ugly – when we label things. As soon as we say something is “good” we’ve automatically created something “not good”. If it had no opposite, there would be no “good”, only “what is”, which is what you’ve got without the label we put on things.

Later in the Tao Te Ching, author Lao Tzu says:

The nameless is the origin of heaven and earth.
Naming (the mind) is the mother of the ten thousand things.

You could call the “nameless” the Source of all that is, or the Absolute, or God (the God of your understanding). What Lao Tzu is saying is this: Without labels, things are as they are, simply originated from that One Source, which he calls the nameless. Then the mind (naming) comes in, and now we’ve got labels for everything. The labels, of course, are usually based on “I like” or “I don’t like”. Or we interpret: “She doesn’t want to date me any more and that means… (here we add whatever meaning our mind comes up with).

But without labeling, interpreting and judging, a fact is just a fact, just like rain is just rain. Rain isn’t good or bad, it just IS. How do you get past the idea of labeling and judging everything? By becoming self-aware. By just noticing – when you’re feeling emotionally hurt – what your thoughts are. You’ll notice you’re resisting something “as it is”. What do you think should be “your” way rather than the way it is? Do “you” really know what should be? Is it possible that “what is” is the perfect unfolding of this Infinite Intelligence and we’re just so small we don’t see the big picture? Do we think we know more than God?

Reality, without our label and story, isn’t painful. The only suffering comes when we don’t accept reality just as it is. Eventually you may see that there’s not even a “you” to make a judgment – that “you” is just another one of the objects of life. The One Infinite Source is just pretending to be “you” for awhile, as it pretends to be a tree, a thought and the wind.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

83. Fear of rejection is a bad habit, and it takes all the fun out of mature dating

Fear of rejection is a bad habit. That sounds pretty blunt doesn’t it? But have you noticed that fear is always based on memories of the past and, except for an immediate danger, it has nothing to do with reality? By reality, I mean just “what is” in any moment. As for the past, it’s dead. It’s over. It’s nothing more than a thought. Do you really want to let it rule your life?

Eileen is a woman I dated a few years ago who said she enjoyed my company, yet she hardly ever asked me to do anything with her. When we spent time together it was usually because I asked her. When I discussed this with her she realized that almost unconsciously she was afraid I might turn her down. She also told me I’d done nothing that would lead her to that conclusion.

Her fear was from events of the past that she had laid onto her current dating situation with me. She was an example of how allowing past memories to influence our present lives is nothing more than a bad habit. We remember the hurt we felt in the past, we conclude we don’t want to feel hurt or humiliated in the future, so we protect ourselves and withdraw. In doing that we begin to live a restricted, pinched up life.

When someone turns us down we call it rejection. But if we live spontaneously and drop the old memories there really is no way to be rejected. Without a label, a happening is just a happening, whether it’s rain when you hoped for sun, or someone saying they don’t want to date you any more. It’s only when we decide to take the event personally that we can feel rejection. No one else can do that to us. We can only do it to ourselves. Let’s say that Eileen had asked me to do something I really wouldn’t enjoy, and I had declined. Would that be rejection? Only if Eileen said it was.

I have another friend, Jolene, who asked me to attend the symphony with her one evening. She’s a cheerful, good-natured, attractive woman and I would have enjoyed spending an evening with her. But I also knew I wouldn’t be a good companion for her at the symphony because I don’t enjoy that kind of music very much. I wouldn’t be enthusiastic and I wouldn’t be someone she could share that experience with in the same way she could share it with someone who loved the symphony. I explained this to her when I declined her invitation. Her response was to say she appreciated my authenticity, and she seemed to feel no rejection at all.

If you find yourself fearing rejection you might just notice what you’re thinking. Chances are high that you’ve overlaid the past onto the present just like an old blanket. In that case, you miss the present because you’ve covered it up, and you’ve also allowed a dead and gone past, which now is nothing more than an illusion, to dictate life for you now. Of course you lose, 100% of the time then. If you don’t take the risk for fear of rejection you have no chance of getting what you want.

On the other hand, if you do take the risk, at least two things could happen. First you might get a “yes”. And even if you get a “no”, what have you lost? You’re in the same spot aren’t you? Fear of rejection means not asking and therefore not getting what you want. Asking and getting turned down also means not getting what you want. Is there a difference?

What does the “no” mean if it comes? It could mean anything, from something similar to what I felt about the symphony to a “no” from someone who has a stomach disorder and worries she might not make it to the bathroom on time if she went out. Whatever the reason, the reality is someone said “no”. It happens, whether it’s being turned down for a loan, a job or a date. That’s reality. That’s life, and without our judgmental thoughts it’s just the way it is. No big deal unless you make it so. As the Zen saying goes, “Don’t worry, be happy.”

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

82. Do you think it’s your job to supply your partner’s wants and sacrifice your own?

Is it all right to want what you want in a relationship? Or, to have a happy relationship, do you always need to give in to the other person? Some years ago I was talking to my friend Mellisa about this. She was a single woman in her late 50s at the time, and her counselor had just introduced her to the idea that it’s OK for her to be happy and to ask herself what she wants. “That’s a totally new concept for me,” she said. “It’s a shocking revelation, actually, to think I don’t have to please the guy I’m dating all the time. I keep thinking that to have a good relationship I have to find out what the guy wants and then provide that to the best of my ability.”

She said she realized that she’s so accustomed to pleasing others that she didn’t really even know what she wanted? As you read this, that same scenario may not fit you exactly, but you might find certain elements are true for you too. If you’ve ever felt that you’re giving up yourself in your relationship you might have bought into the same pattern of thinking. After all, why wouldn’t you? It’s a pervasive way of seeing life in many parts of our society and our families. It’s not uncommon to have picked up the notion that to think of ourselves first is selfish and unchristian.

Mellisa and I went on to discuss the results that occur when someone tries to take care of another person’s wants before considering their own. You’ve probably noticed that when that happens the situation looks like this: Person A tries to learn what B wants and give in to that, even if it’s not what A wants. B is happy and A may be happy too, at least in the beginning. You hear statements, in a new relationship, like, “I don’t care what we do as long as I’m with her.” But we all have natural characteristics that aren’t comfortably thwarted. After giving in for just so long to our partner we begin to wonder, “When is it my turn to get a little bit of what I want?”

At that point we’re saying to ourselves, “I’ve done a lot for him and he doesn’t seem to be doing anything for me.” And in that moment we’ve placed ourselves in a victim role; we’re expecting the other person to make us happy. As soon as you expect something from someone so you can be happy you’re a victim of their action. You’re like a cat, hopelessly waiting to be fed. Our reasoning is, “We’ve been struggling as hard as we know how, to make him happy, and he should be doing the same.” If the surrender you’ve been doing isn’t returned resentment soon builds.

Do you see how phony and inauthentic it is when you try to please everyone else first in the name of being noble and good? Instead, if we can be self-aware we’ll begin to see our natural inclinations, our natural likes and dislikes – the individual characteristics we’re all born with. When we follow those natural tendencies we’ll normally be content.

“But,” you say, “what if I tell my partner what I really want and she doesn’t want that? She may leave.” Yes, she may leave, and that may be painful for a short time. But would it honestly ever work in the long run when you’re giving in all the time to try to please someone else, then expecting him to please you in return? Seen that way, it’s a guessing game on both sides isn’t it? You’re trying to guess what your partner wants and fullfill that, and you’re expecting your partner to guess your needs and supply them. That’s pretty crazy isn’t it?

It’s like saying, You feed me and I’ll feed you. Why not just each feed yourself? You don’t really expect someone to know your wants and preferences nearly as well as you know them yourself, so why not just give yourself what you want? That lets your partner off the hook, takes away all the expectations and leaves you both free to just be yourselves. If you can’t be yourself in your relationship where can you be you? If you’re always stifling the real you to please someone, how long will that last before you explode?

Instead of thinking that satisfying your own desires is not loving, consider just the opposite. Maybe it’s the most loving thing you can do, because you’re not putting that burden on someone else. And you’re not blaming and resenting them if the job doesn’t get done well because now you’ve taken responsibility for yourself. To me, that’s living in integrity and love.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer