82. Do you think it’s your job to supply your partner’s wants and sacrifice your own?

Is it all right to want what you want in a relationship? Or, to have a happy relationship, do you always need to give in to the other person? Some years ago I was talking to my friend Mellisa about this. She was a single woman in her late 50s at the time, and her counselor had just introduced her to the idea that it’s OK for her to be happy and to ask herself what she wants. “That’s a totally new concept for me,” she said. “It’s a shocking revelation, actually, to think I don’t have to please the guy I’m dating all the time. I keep thinking that to have a good relationship I have to find out what the guy wants and then provide that to the best of my ability.”

She said she realized that she’s so accustomed to pleasing others that she didn’t really even know what she wanted? As you read this, that same scenario may not fit you exactly, but you might find certain elements are true for you too. If you’ve ever felt that you’re giving up yourself in your relationship you might have bought into the same pattern of thinking. After all, why wouldn’t you? It’s a pervasive way of seeing life in many parts of our society and our families. It’s not uncommon to have picked up the notion that to think of ourselves first is selfish and unchristian.

Mellisa and I went on to discuss the results that occur when someone tries to take care of another person’s wants before considering their own. You’ve probably noticed that when that happens the situation looks like this: Person A tries to learn what B wants and give in to that, even if it’s not what A wants. B is happy and A may be happy too, at least in the beginning. You hear statements, in a new relationship, like, “I don’t care what we do as long as I’m with her.” But we all have natural characteristics that aren’t comfortably thwarted. After giving in for just so long to our partner we begin to wonder, “When is it my turn to get a little bit of what I want?”

At that point we’re saying to ourselves, “I’ve done a lot for him and he doesn’t seem to be doing anything for me.” And in that moment we’ve placed ourselves in a victim role; we’re expecting the other person to make us happy. As soon as you expect something from someone so you can be happy you’re a victim of their action. You’re like a cat, hopelessly waiting to be fed. Our reasoning is, “We’ve been struggling as hard as we know how, to make him happy, and he should be doing the same.” If the surrender you’ve been doing isn’t returned resentment soon builds.

Do you see how phony and inauthentic it is when you try to please everyone else first in the name of being noble and good? Instead, if we can be self-aware we’ll begin to see our natural inclinations, our natural likes and dislikes – the individual characteristics we’re all born with. When we follow those natural tendencies we’ll normally be content.

“But,” you say, “what if I tell my partner what I really want and she doesn’t want that? She may leave.” Yes, she may leave, and that may be painful for a short time. But would it honestly ever work in the long run when you’re giving in all the time to try to please someone else, then expecting him to please you in return? Seen that way, it’s a guessing game on both sides isn’t it? You’re trying to guess what your partner wants and fullfill that, and you’re expecting your partner to guess your needs and supply them. That’s pretty crazy isn’t it?

It’s like saying, You feed me and I’ll feed you. Why not just each feed yourself? You don’t really expect someone to know your wants and preferences nearly as well as you know them yourself, so why not just give yourself what you want? That lets your partner off the hook, takes away all the expectations and leaves you both free to just be yourselves. If you can’t be yourself in your relationship where can you be you? If you’re always stifling the real you to please someone, how long will that last before you explode?

Instead of thinking that satisfying your own desires is not loving, consider just the opposite. Maybe it’s the most loving thing you can do, because you’re not putting that burden on someone else. And you’re not blaming and resenting them if the job doesn’t get done well because now you’ve taken responsibility for yourself. To me, that’s living in integrity and love.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer