83. Fear of rejection is a bad habit, and it takes all the fun out of mature dating

Fear of rejection is a bad habit. That sounds pretty blunt doesn’t it? But have you noticed that fear is always based on memories of the past and, except for an immediate danger, it has nothing to do with reality? By reality, I mean just “what is” in any moment. As for the past, it’s dead. It’s over. It’s nothing more than a thought. Do you really want to let it rule your life?

Eileen is a woman I dated a few years ago who said she enjoyed my company, yet she hardly ever asked me to do anything with her. When we spent time together it was usually because I asked her. When I discussed this with her she realized that almost unconsciously she was afraid I might turn her down. She also told me I’d done nothing that would lead her to that conclusion.

Her fear was from events of the past that she had laid onto her current dating situation with me. She was an example of how allowing past memories to influence our present lives is nothing more than a bad habit. We remember the hurt we felt in the past, we conclude we don’t want to feel hurt or humiliated in the future, so we protect ourselves and withdraw. In doing that we begin to live a restricted, pinched up life.

When someone turns us down we call it rejection. But if we live spontaneously and drop the old memories there really is no way to be rejected. Without a label, a happening is just a happening, whether it’s rain when you hoped for sun, or someone saying they don’t want to date you any more. It’s only when we decide to take the event personally that we can feel rejection. No one else can do that to us. We can only do it to ourselves. Let’s say that Eileen had asked me to do something I really wouldn’t enjoy, and I had declined. Would that be rejection? Only if Eileen said it was.

I have another friend, Jolene, who asked me to attend the symphony with her one evening. She’s a cheerful, good-natured, attractive woman and I would have enjoyed spending an evening with her. But I also knew I wouldn’t be a good companion for her at the symphony because I don’t enjoy that kind of music very much. I wouldn’t be enthusiastic and I wouldn’t be someone she could share that experience with in the same way she could share it with someone who loved the symphony. I explained this to her when I declined her invitation. Her response was to say she appreciated my authenticity, and she seemed to feel no rejection at all.

If you find yourself fearing rejection you might just notice what you’re thinking. Chances are high that you’ve overlaid the past onto the present just like an old blanket. In that case, you miss the present because you’ve covered it up, and you’ve also allowed a dead and gone past, which now is nothing more than an illusion, to dictate life for you now. Of course you lose, 100% of the time then. If you don’t take the risk for fear of rejection you have no chance of getting what you want.

On the other hand, if you do take the risk, at least two things could happen. First you might get a “yes”. And even if you get a “no”, what have you lost? You’re in the same spot aren’t you? Fear of rejection means not asking and therefore not getting what you want. Asking and getting turned down also means not getting what you want. Is there a difference?

What does the “no” mean if it comes? It could mean anything, from something similar to what I felt about the symphony to a “no” from someone who has a stomach disorder and worries she might not make it to the bathroom on time if she went out. Whatever the reason, the reality is someone said “no”. It happens, whether it’s being turned down for a loan, a job or a date. That’s reality. That’s life, and without our judgmental thoughts it’s just the way it is. No big deal unless you make it so. As the Zen saying goes, “Don’t worry, be happy.”

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer