98. When your love is truly love, you’ll only say: “Come dance with me.”

I ran across two short poems recently by the 14th century Persian poet and mystic, Hafiz. They’re about love and acceptance. The first is: “Even after all this time the sun does not say to the earth, ‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the whole sky.”

The second one is shorter: “God only speak four words, ‘Come dance with me.’”

They reminded me of romantic relationships. Is what most of us call love really love? Is it really unconditional – totally accepting and nonjudgmental? What happens, for instance, when you say you love someone, yet erupt in a volatile flash in moments? Is that love in action? As mature daters we’ve had some years to get to know ourselves. Yet, for many, the proverbial stuff hits the fan when we get triggered by a partner. A casual date usually doesn’t light our fuse. We just walk away. But when there are real feelings we’re more vulnerable, thus more easily and quickly hurt. Unless we’re awake, that is.

It may seem that years of experience in living would have given us some wisdom and calm to keep our personal mountain from exploding. But a fiery flash can be set off pretty quickly when a supposedly mature (emotionally as well as in years) person’s buried, personal hurts are touched.

For example, if you were teased for being overweight as a kid, that might be a seriously sensitive topic for you. Even though you’ve slimmed down, if someone even mentions a word that vaguely suggests you’re fat – ka-boom!, you’re ready for a fight. We all know the defensive feelings when the hot wire of our egos is touched, usually innocently, by someone close to us or whose admiration we want.

A little investigation, however, could allow us to drop those sensitive ego-born defenses if we simply look to see what’s really happening. If you really want to get to the crux of a statement someone makes it simply consists of sounds coming from their mouths doesn’t it? The sounds are formed into words we and the speaker know.

But at this point we can cause ourselves pain or we can be at ease with life as it is. There are two questions here, it seems to me. One is this: Do we really know what our partner means when they use a word in a certain way? Do they mean what we would mean if we were using that word? Instead of being so quick to judge and condemn we could just see that we don’t know.

The second issue is that even if the speaker does mean what we think they mean, do we need to build defenses and get mad? Don’t they have the same right to their opinions as we do, even their opinions about us? Or, unlike the sun, do they “owe us” only what we want to hear. Who knows?, maybe what they’re saying is the most useful thing we could hear – something only a true friend would say. And if we choose to feel hurt it could mean we’re not very firm in our own self-acceptance. If we were, what would we need to defend?

When we stop putting our own meaning-labels on words, and when we stop deciding how life “should” be and start accepting it as it is, we might be a lot more calm. An open conversation might show that what we thought someone meant wasn’t even close to what they were really saying. Finally, we may realize that what we both want in a relationship is just the nonjudgmental ease of being to say, “Come dance with me.”

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

97. Don’t try to cover the earth in leather, just wear shoes

How do you know when you have a problem in your dating relationship? It’s easy, you’re hurting emotionally. Even though we think of relationships as a “we” kind of partnership there really is no such thing as “we”. That’s just a word describing two people. And that’s the key, it’s always two people, two individuals each with their own thoughts and feelings. Any problem any of us ever has is always a solo affair: “I hurt”.

Often people feel victimized by their partner in a relationship. “If she would only change then I wouldn’t have to hurt,” is the way it seems. But as long as we look to the other to make us happy we’re always victims. We’re like a yo-yo on a string – up, down, up, down.

Solving problems in a relationship is always about coming back to your own peace, no matter what’s going on with your partner. If you approach a problem in the relationship with the idea that you have to fix it and make the relationship continue you’ll find you’re trying to take responsibility for a “we” that doesn’t even exist.

You can only be responsible for your own clarity and you really can’t do a thing about the other person. He may want to inquire into his own behavior and views of life so that judgments can drop or not. But if you expect him to do that or demand that he do that so you can have the relationship you want you’re pressuring and manipulating him and you’re also leaving yourself in pain.

The question of bringing peace to the world was once asked of the great Indian sage Ramana Maharshi. The maharshi, realizing the questioner was not at peace within himself said, “You’re like the man who wants to cover the earth in leather rather than just wear shoes.” In other words, take care of your own peace first, then you have peace to give.

In relationships it’s the same, I notice. When we take care of our own peace we can come to our partner from a place of love, not a place of manipulation or resentment or judgment. We don’t know what causes another person to say or do what they do. We do know, however, that what’s happening is reality at the moment. If we see it as simply “what is” in life at that time we’re no longer fighting and resisting life. It’s the natural way to peace.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

96. To keep him she did what he asked but lost her freedom

It’s not unusual at this mature stage of life, to have a strong desire for another partner. Some of us have been with a partner virtually our whole adult lives and now, through death or divorce, we find ourselves alone again. There seems to be good reason why those who have studied relationships say it’s a good idea not to get too involved too fast. If we do we may be operating from need rather than a natural instinct to simply share life with someone. And need is nearly always manipulative.

That was true of a friend of mine a few years ago. Judy is a very attractive, well-educated, bright and articulate women in her 60s who was dating a man a few years ago. This guy, who was among the socially elite and who was around her age, apparently wasn’t what I’d call emotionally mature. His apparent insecurities propelled him to ask Judy not to have contact with any other men, even her male friends who were just buddies.

I found out about this when I placed numerous calls to her just to chat, as we often did, and got no responses. I began to wonder if she was sick or something. Finally I got a short call telling me she had agreed not to communicate with any other men and she was honoring that comittment she’d made.

I was actually stunned because I’d always seen Judy as quite independent and self-reliant. But obviously she was willing to give up her freedom to be herself to get the approval of this man. The relationship didn’t last too long, which isn’t surprising, because the guy proved to be controlling in other ways also. But the point I saw so clearly is how easy it is for us to think we need someone in our lives and think we can squelch our natural ways by giving ourselves up to get that someone.

That’s a high price to pay. Desire has its other side which is disappointment. If you think something or someone will make you happy you’re bound to feel that disappointment. Happiness doesn’t come from getting something. We feel it when, for a short time after we’ve attained something, there’s no wanting, no pressure to be on the move looking for the next thing to make life exciting or acceptable.

Next time you feel a strong need to have someone in your life you might consider questioning that desire. Can you really know that would make you happy? Is it possible the Universe is giving you exactly what you need if you simply witness what happens in life without trying to make life go your way? This phantom “I” that we think we are really doesn’t exist and isn’t running this show we call “me”.

The thought, “I’m doing…” or “I’m deciding…” is really only a thought. Doing happens as the One Spirit expresses itself AS a person called Mary or Chuck and it’s easy to assume we’re the doers. But hearing happens before you think “I hear” and seeing happens before you have the thought “I see”. Since the Universe is breathing you, beating your heart, hearing and seeing you, maybe it’s also on the right track in terms of when you should have a partner in your life. Trust and acceptance may give you a lot of peace, and a chance to just date and have fun while being your natural self, without pretense and without giving yourself away.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer