96. To keep him she did what he asked but lost her freedom

It’s not unusual at this mature stage of life, to have a strong desire for another partner. Some of us have been with a partner virtually our whole adult lives and now, through death or divorce, we find ourselves alone again. There seems to be good reason why those who have studied relationships say it’s a good idea not to get too involved too fast. If we do we may be operating from need rather than a natural instinct to simply share life with someone. And need is nearly always manipulative.

That was true of a friend of mine a few years ago. Judy is a very attractive, well-educated, bright and articulate women in her 60s who was dating a man a few years ago. This guy, who was among the socially elite and who was around her age, apparently wasn’t what I’d call emotionally mature. His apparent insecurities propelled him to ask Judy not to have contact with any other men, even her male friends who were just buddies.

I found out about this when I placed numerous calls to her just to chat, as we often did, and got no responses. I began to wonder if she was sick or something. Finally I got a short call telling me she had agreed not to communicate with any other men and she was honoring that comittment she’d made.

I was actually stunned because I’d always seen Judy as quite independent and self-reliant. But obviously she was willing to give up her freedom to be herself to get the approval of this man. The relationship didn’t last too long, which isn’t surprising, because the guy proved to be controlling in other ways also. But the point I saw so clearly is how easy it is for us to think we need someone in our lives and think we can squelch our natural ways by giving ourselves up to get that someone.

That’s a high price to pay. Desire has its other side which is disappointment. If you think something or someone will make you happy you’re bound to feel that disappointment. Happiness doesn’t come from getting something. We feel it when, for a short time after we’ve attained something, there’s no wanting, no pressure to be on the move looking for the next thing to make life exciting or acceptable.

Next time you feel a strong need to have someone in your life you might consider questioning that desire. Can you really know that would make you happy? Is it possible the Universe is giving you exactly what you need if you simply witness what happens in life without trying to make life go your way? This phantom “I” that we think we are really doesn’t exist and isn’t running this show we call “me”.

The thought, “I’m doing…” or “I’m deciding…” is really only a thought. Doing happens as the One Spirit expresses itself AS a person called Mary or Chuck and it’s easy to assume we’re the doers. But hearing happens before you think “I hear” and seeing happens before you have the thought “I see”. Since the Universe is breathing you, beating your heart, hearing and seeing you, maybe it’s also on the right track in terms of when you should have a partner in your life. Trust and acceptance may give you a lot of peace, and a chance to just date and have fun while being your natural self, without pretense and without giving yourself away.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer