97. Don’t try to cover the earth in leather, just wear shoes

How do you know when you have a problem in your dating relationship? It’s easy, you’re hurting emotionally. Even though we think of relationships as a “we” kind of partnership there really is no such thing as “we”. That’s just a word describing two people. And that’s the key, it’s always two people, two individuals each with their own thoughts and feelings. Any problem any of us ever has is always a solo affair: “I hurt”.

Often people feel victimized by their partner in a relationship. “If she would only change then I wouldn’t have to hurt,” is the way it seems. But as long as we look to the other to make us happy we’re always victims. We’re like a yo-yo on a string – up, down, up, down.

Solving problems in a relationship is always about coming back to your own peace, no matter what’s going on with your partner. If you approach a problem in the relationship with the idea that you have to fix it and make the relationship continue you’ll find you’re trying to take responsibility for a “we” that doesn’t even exist.

You can only be responsible for your own clarity and you really can’t do a thing about the other person. He may want to inquire into his own behavior and views of life so that judgments can drop or not. But if you expect him to do that or demand that he do that so you can have the relationship you want you’re pressuring and manipulating him and you’re also leaving yourself in pain.

The question of bringing peace to the world was once asked of the great Indian sage Ramana Maharshi. The maharshi, realizing the questioner was not at peace within himself said, “You’re like the man who wants to cover the earth in leather rather than just wear shoes.” In other words, take care of your own peace first, then you have peace to give.

In relationships it’s the same, I notice. When we take care of our own peace we can come to our partner from a place of love, not a place of manipulation or resentment or judgment. We don’t know what causes another person to say or do what they do. We do know, however, that what’s happening is reality at the moment. If we see it as simply “what is” in life at that time we’re no longer fighting and resisting life. It’s the natural way to peace.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer