1. Mature Dating Without Pain - A Few Basics

Why is this dating thing often so painful at this stage of life? It seems that all the emotions we went through in young life often still pop up? We can feel betrayed, deceived, jealous, angry - and a whole range of painful emotions. Sometimes it's fun and delightful. But often that doesn't last long. And even when it is fun, isn't there often that subtle, background fear that this will end? What's going on here?Let me share a simple fact that I learned later in life, that you may not have considered: All our pain -- all of it! -- comes from our own thoughts. And we thought it was the other person! Or the situation out there! For example: He didn't call when he said he would, and he should have. She lied, and she shouldn't have. He danced with someone else, and that's just not right when he's out with me. He must not care. She doesn't respect me. And on and on it goes. We want them to make us happy. Even worse, we lay our happiness at their feet. We say, in effect, I give you all the power to decide my happiness. If you do this I'll be happy. But if you do that I'll be unhappy. We set ourselves up as victims. Isn't that nuts? But we've done it in innocense because we haven't known better.Are we really at the mercy of others? Haven't we, instead, failed to notice that the way we think it should be is the cause of our suffering? The reality is, life happens as it happens. People do what they do. It rains when it rains. That's it! End of story. When you think it should be sunny, and it isn't, you suffer. When you think she should be in your life and she isn't, you suffer.You've noticed, I'm sure, that the operative word is think. We judge something as right or wrong when we could just see it for what it is. It doesn't even take effort to let go. When we see clearly we see that what we thought "should be" was just an illusion. We took our stand on something that never was. It was a fantasy. You don't have to let go of an illusion. You just see through it.What happens when we judge? We always hurt. And when we don't? Well... there's just peace. No problem. It's what is and we leave it alone. Try this question when you're hurting about a dating situation: Should it be the way I think it should be, or should it maybe just be the way it is? Which feels more peaceful, more loving? Do we really know the long-term consequences of anything, including what's happening in our dating life? Is it possible it should just be the way it is?