4. "He rejected me" - but don't you get to decide that?

You've briefly met someone and agreed to become better acquainted over coffee. He's supposed to call you in the next few days. You never get that call. Or you've gone out a with her a few times but now she consistently has an excuse for not setting another date. Or someone has just honestly told you they feel you're not a good match and they’re not interested in seeing you again..Whatever the situation, you tell yourself you've been rejected. That's how we often feel about ourselves when someone doesn't want to see us again -- that we're useless, unworthy, a reject... and who knows where else the mind will go with that? But let's stop for a minute and question that. We believe the other person has rejected us. But is that really true? I have a good friend in another state who recently placed her profile on an internet dating site. She had some interesting email exchanges with a guy, and a couple of delightful phone conversations. They had arranged to meet for coffee. He called the day before and said he needed to change the plans and that he'd call back in a few days. She never heard from him again. When we talked she said, "Well, I guess I got rejected." And she immediately began ticking off things she might have said that would have turned him off. She thought it was her fault. And she was hurting. But let's look at the reality. Without any thoughts added to it, what happened is this: A man said he'd call and didn't. That's the reality. But then the story gets added: “I got rejected.” But stop! How did that thought get in there? Were you really rejected? Isn’t it a fact only that he didn't call? Maybe he's in the hospital. Maybe he died. Maybe he’s on an emergency trip. There could be a thousand reasons why he didn't call. The truth is, we just don't know. If we stick to what we do know, however, it's pretty simple. We know he didn't call. That's it! He didn't call. Was he supposed to call? Obviously not. He didn't. That's the reality. When it's raining is it supposed to be raining? Yes. How do we know? It is. The stories we tell ourselves nearly always hurt: I'm defective. I'm inadequate. I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, articulate enough, tall enough... and it can go on forever. We can stew over those thoughts for days. And what's the cause of all our hurt? Thoughts. Worse than that, they're thoughts we don't even know are true. How do you feel when you believe those thoughts? You hurt don't you? And how would you feel without your added stories? Maybe a whole lot happier and more peaceful.I've had the good fortune to see life from a different view, thanks to the help of some teachers who see clearly. And in my own dating I've now realized there's just contentment and peace when I simply stick with what's real. Real is "what is," and nothing more. No story, no pain. It sounds too simple. But it works.