3. You "need" a partner, is that true?

Joanie, a friend of mine, had been single again for about six years. She was worried. "I really want to find a man to be with," she told me. "After all, I'm showing signs of age and who will want me when I'm older and less attractive?" She was constantly asking questions, such as, "You're a man, tell me what do men want? Should I call him, or would he think I'm too pushy? I said I'd like to meet his family. Do you think that'll turn him off?" She was always carefully trying to do and say exactly the right thing so men would want her. She felt her life could not be complete without a man. Her desperation was beginning to show. "I try so hard," she said, "and yet I don't seem to really connect with the men I'm interested in."That's not a surprise is it? When you really "need" someone in your life it follows that you're also just as surely going to try to control and manipulate them. You might not think of it as manipulation, but when you're being phony to get something you want, aren't you trying to push things your way? You might be extra-nice to make sure you get asked out again. Or you don't share your beliefs about life for fear they'll conflict with those of your date, and that person won't be interested in you any longer. If you think about it honestly, when you're not being authentic isn't it always because you want something? You're not being honest. That's manipulating. But you might ask, "As a senior in the dating world again how can I pretend I don't want a partner when I really do? That would be a lie. I do care. I want a partner." You may feel that at this age you have to give up the real you and wear a mask to get what you want.The whole approach is based on this bottom-line belief: A partner in my life would make me happy. But let's look a little deeper. As Socrates said so many centuries ago: Know thyself. So let's question that assumption: A partner would make you happy, is that true? Can you absolutely know that having a partner right now in life would be the best thing for you? Do you really know how the Universe should be operating? Maybe -- just maybe -- God (the Supreme of your understanding) knows what He/She/It is doing, and this isn't the time for you to find a partner, no matter how hard you try.You want to control your life, but can you? Are you really in charge? Do you breathe yourself? Do you beat your own heart? Do you consciously grow your hair, digest your food, move the cells around your body? Do you even control your thoughts? If you say yes, ask yourself, "If I controlled my thoughts would I ever choose to have unhappy thoughts?" Or when you're feeling a lot of stress wouldn't you just turn off thinking for awhile? Do you know where the "off" switch is? Do you wake up in the morning and say, "Well, let's see, I guess I'll start thinking now?" As my friend, Byron Katie says, "If you do, it's already too late."Seeing life clearly, we may begin to realize that the "we" we think we are is not the reality. The little ego-me we think is in charge really isn't. If we don't control our own breathing or our own thinking, and we don't even know what muscles to activate to more our arm, can we automatically assume that we should know how our life is supposed to go? As one spiritual teacher says, "Who do we think we are to tell that which created us how to run his creation?"When we look "out there" and think that someone "out there" will make us happy aren't we making ourselves victims? (By "victim" I mean putting our happiness in the hands of someone else.) And what victimizes us? Our thoughts. We think we have to have a partner to be happy... until we examine that belief for a bit.On the other hand, when we look inside and tell ourselves the truth, we can probably say, "I guess I'm not supposed to have a partner right now... because I don't." That's the reality isn't it? Maybe it'll change tomorrow. But for right now, why not just go with "what is" and be content, rather than arguing with what is, and being miserable? If you notice, your discontent doesn't get you a partner. Furthermore, you're the only one who hurts. Is it worth it?And consider what happens when you DON'T feel desperate for someone in your life. Do you think your dating would be a lot more relaxed? Maybe dating would be more like a dance. Dancing has no purpose other than the dance. We're not trying to get to the other side of the floor faster than anyone else. We're just dancing. Because... we're dancing.We can date in the same way. The outcome will be what it is, and we trust that the Universe knows what it's doing. Dating is then an adventure. Without an agenda and a goal it can just be fun again. The Universe is operating it's own way whether we like it or not anyway. So we may as well flow with it. Then we feel peaceful. Then we feel happy. And wouldn't potential partners rather be with a free, happy person than with a controlling, manipulating, clinging one? Would you guess "yes"? Me too.